Uncle Choo-Choo

Ava may have only met me twice, but with luck and repetition hopefully I can live forever as Uncle Choo-Choo (Ted and Ali - make sure Ava watches this a minimum of 14 times a day):

Take Him, Please!

I read a rumor today that Boston College was seriously considering hiring Bob Davie as head football coach to replace Tom O'Brien who recently left to accept the same position at NC State. Personally, I can't think of a better candidate, for two(2) reasons:

1. It would spare us the agony of his "color" commentary on ABC ("That's some big-time foot-baw there, Brent").
2. It would pretty much guarantee that Notre Dame would not lose to Boston College for the foreseeable future.

It's really a win-win as far as I'm concerned - unless you're a Boston College fan...

ND Wins the Close One

Notre Dame Students storm the court after a big win against #5 Alabama

Last year Notre Dame men's basketball lost 12 games by six points or less, and lost 5 times by shots in the last 2 seconds. They finished up last year with a 16-14 mark, nearly costing Mike Brey his job in the process.

Notre Dame pulled off two very large upsets this week. The first was against #19 Maryland, a perennial power in the ACC who frequents the Big Dance. The second was last night, against #5 Alabama, a team of very large and talented inside players. The Notre Dame squad's tallest player is Luke Zeller, is listed at 6'11", but I doubt he actually is that tall. In all, ND's reputation is an outside-shooting team - they live and die by the 3-pointer. But I watched last night's game, and while it's true, this team is different from the 1-and-done 3-point shooting teams of the past.

Russell Carter had a career night last night again 'Bama, making shots from every point on the floor. He was laughing after some of his makes. Alabama couldn't stop him. Kyle McAlarney and Carter were also driving to the basket and then either dishing it to a big guy, or kicking it out to Colin Falls for an open look at the basket. ND played nearly flawlessly for twenty minutes to end the first half and begin the second. At the end of the game they wavered, but a big shot by Carter sealed the deal for the Irish.

I loved watching ND last night. Teresa and I stayed up and held our breath at the end, and while ND came close to collapse, the pulled together and won a big victory. I'm not saying ND is #1, not by a long shot. But it's nice to see us play as well as we did against a Crimson Tide team with a reputation for 1) tough defense - no other team this year has scored over 70 points on 'Bama, and 2) strong inside play from 3 very good big men. Those big teams were our bane last season, so it nice to see ND get a resume building win. If we can win 10 games or so in the Ultra-Big East, the wins over 'Bama and Maryland should be enough to get us in the tourny.

Looks Like We Got Our Man?

Remember soccer? It's that sport that we were all obsessed with, oh, six months ago before the USA crashed out of the World Cup and college football began. Well, after the dismal showing in Germany, US Soccer fired head coach Bruce Arena and all has been quiet on the western front since. Until now. According to this article at Fox Sports, US Soccer will name Jurgen Klinsmann the next head coach of the US Men's National Soccer Team within two weeks. Ever since the World Cup ended, Arena was fired, and Klinsmann (who lives in the US and is married to an American) stepped down as head coach of the German team, most US soccer fans have been hoping for Klinsmann's appointment. Looks like we got our wish. Now we'll find out if Germany taking 3rd in WC '06 was a fluke or if Klinsmann is the real deal. That January friendly with Denmark just got a lot more interesting...

UPDATE: Looks like the penny-pinchers in the USSF have reneged on the deal with Klinsmann and will name Bob Bradley as an interim coach, with the possibility of making his appointment permanent. Good grief, you've got to spend some money to make some money...

Final Words on College Football

This is all I'm saying after the BCS bowl match-ups were announced last night - it's very difficult to get it right. Is Florida better than Michigan? Is Florida more deserving than Michigan? Who knows. What I do know is this - if Michigan had gotten the nod and then beat Ohio State then who's the national champion? How can you declare Michigan the national champion when Ohio State beat them 1 month ago?

Several other thoughts...

• ESPN.com is running a poll about the BCS match-ups. With about 100,000 votes tallied 54.7% think Notre Dame is the worst team in a BCS game. Really? Worse than a Boise State team who's toughest game was San Jose State? Worse than a Wake Forest team that snuck away with an ACC title because Miami and Florida State both had awful seasons. Worse than an Oklahoma team that won the worst Big 12 in history? Worse than a Louisville team that lost to Rutgers? Rutgers! Additionally, 64.9% think that LSU is going to blow Notre Dame out. Say what you will about Notre Dame, but remember they lost to #2 Michigan and #2 USC, not exactly chumps. This will be a great game.
  
• I am hearby declaring the Fiesta Bowl (Oklahome v. Boise State) this year's BCS snoozefest. No, wait, I mean the Orange Bowl (Louisville v. Wake Forest)! Oh, screw it, both games will be terrible and have a combined viewing audience of 16.
• The Rose Bowl (USC v. Michigan) has the potential to draw better ratings than the national championship game - especially since the AP will be chomping to give Michigan a split of the title should Florida upset Ohio State.

Christmas in (Early) December...

UCLA 13 - USC 9

I don't care about rankings and all this "we need to root for so-and-so to win so we look better" nonsense. If Notre Dame wins and USC, Michigan, Boston College, and the Sunshine State Triumvirate lose, then I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth - much like Lou Gehrig, less the amyotrophic lateral sclerosis...

The Folks Are All Right

Mom and I know you are all concerned about our financial well-being after we can no longer earn a living. What with Social Security in the tank, globalization eroding our standard of living, and the imminent collapse of social services across the nation (when was the last time you voted for a tax levy?) it's no surprise adult children fret about their parents' future. Until very recently, Mom and I had been counting on a nice little in-law suite above Ted's 4-car garage - in exchange, of course, for various domestic services rendered. However, we have hit upon a plan that will get us ever so closer to lifelong solvency.

This 21st century digital technology creates a lot of possibilities. Have you seen those Orville Redenbacher popcorn commercials - featuring Orville himself making a posthumous appearance? Marlon Brando continues to contribute, vocally at least, to the latest Superman movies, and the Empire Carpet guy will probably work forever in computer animation. So, we decided to apply our PC's time machine capabilities to the wonderful world of advertising, not so much for fun as for profit. A little edit here, some cropping there, and viola!

I'm not sure who the young lady is, but everyone should recognize that jovial mop-top in front. It's a little difficult to see, but I do believe he is wearing his famous cowboy boots, too.

Considering that we have 30+ years worth of photos, and visions of royalty checks start to dance in my head. We probably wouldn't even have to use any of the really embarrassing material. Unless, of course, it was for a truly unique opportunity like Apple iPods or Fanny Mae Candy. Anyway, kids, I think we're going to be fine. Just fine.

Top 5 'Staches

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, the Royal Heffernans ventured where no man should venture without much support. So together, the younger Heffernan's bonded together and grew mustaches. A bold plan was hatched and described in the previous post. As the weeks rolled past and the beards and goatees were trimmed down to mustaches, it was decided that there are only a few men who can truly pull off the 'stache. To honor those with great mustaches, I have compiled my very own Top 5 mustache wearers:

5. Super Mario
I can remember playing Super Mario Brothers with the mustachioed plumber himself. Mario was and still is a gaming icon, his 'stache selling games worldwide across no fewer than 5 gaming consoles from Nintendo (original, Super NES, N64, Wii, and Gameboy). Without the 'stache, there is little doubt that the Mario franchise would not have seen the sales and cult-like following it enjoys today. If mothers are looking to blame anything for their kids' addiction to video games, they need look no further than Mario and his 'stache.

4. George Eads (aka Nick Stokes)
When George Eads appeared on CSI with his mustache, it was the epitome of porn-star salutes. Eads, who plays CSI Nick Stokes, was heckled both on the show during filming by fellow CSI's, and off the show by co-stars and the media, for his adult-entertainment personification. All you need to do is look at his picture, dressed up in his CSI suit, and you can easily imagine George Eads/Nick Stokes as a porn star.

3. Rollie Fingers
Everyone wants the rolled 'stache, and Rollie Fingers is forever identified with it. Twirled up on the ends, every man wants it, but so very few can actually pull it off. Ted spoke of shaping his 'stache, but alas, none of us could pull off the shaped and looping mustache.

2. Tom Selleck
Tom Selleck did for the mustache what J-Lo did for butts - grew it big and made it look sexy. As Magnum, P.I., Selleck showed the 'stache for eight seasons, and made women order men with a hairy upper lip. Magnum got the girls while sporting the hairy chest and the bushy mustache, and simultaneously made every man emulate him through the 1980's. Unfortunately, the mustache-growing-mania meant a 'stache-backlash by anyone not old enough to grow a 'stache by 1986. Thus Magnum was both champion and goat of the mustache during the late 20th Century.

1. Thomas Heffernan III
Dad is Dad, but wouldn't be Dad without his mustache. Since growing his first mustache at age 8 (Heffernans blossom early), Dad has maintained his mustache throughout the next 48 years of life, with only a brief clean-shaven hiatus during his wedding to Mom back in 1972, for which mom was forever scarred. Dad has shown many what it means to sport the 'stache, and while many have tried to equal the quality of upper-lipmanship that Dad has achieved (myself included) it is concluded that there is only one Dad, and his mustache is King.

Respect The Mustache

Several months ago, the Heffernan boys got word from Mom that Dad had been considering the unthinkable - shaving his mustache. This rocked us to our core. We had no idea what spurred Dad to ponder this crazy idea. All we knew is that Dad had always had a mustache as long as any of his had been alive. The only time we had ever even seen Dad without his trademark 'stache was in pictures for his own wedding. So we decided to act in the only way we knew how - we grew our own mustaches!

The plan was hatched during the week of Colin's wedding, and formalized through a series of emails between brothers in the months leading up to Thanksgiving. The first critical step was wife approval. All wives reluctantly agreed on one condition - no mustache until Thanksgiving. Thus, each brother grew either a beard or goatee, slowly grooming it before the big day. Then, before arriving in Cincinnati for our family holiday, the mustache would be revealed! What follows is a brief description of each brothers' road to mustache glory...

Ted
The eldest Heffernan brother had sported a goatee several times in the past. Usually, this was a result of laziness with regards to shaving. It was often reserved for wilderness trips including the Boundary Waters and a prior Western road trip. This past experience served him well as he decided to sculpt a goatee into the mustache. Ted began his goatee on September 25, after his last 1st call as a radiology resident EVER! Over the next 7 weeks, the goatee grew in very nicely. He passed the dreaded "itchy" phase after a month and it was smooth sailing after that. His mustache was finally sculpted Monday night on November 20, to allow his coworkers the opportunity to see the fruit of his labor. The 'stache most closely resembled a young Uncle Dan, with the corners curling below the corners of his lips.

Ian
Ian was the most reluctant of the Heffernan brothers in the mustache endeavor. Repeated emails questioning if we were still going through with this were answered with a resounding yes. Ian elected to go with a full beard in preparing his fledgling 'stache. He hated every minute of it as it became more and more itchy. When he finally trimmed the beard, the 'stache that remained was sure to get him a full search by airport security. The 'stache most closely resembled a young Magnum PI although not quite as bushy.

Colin
Colin was surely the most enthusiastic participant in growing a 'satche. According to his wife, he stroked his growing facial hair constantly, and discussion of possible 'stache styles dominated their evening conversations. Colin was also remiss to shave his mustache, unsuccessfully lobbying his brothers to keep them through Thanksgiving. The 'stache most closely resembled a young Uncle Terry, thin and long, extending well beyond the corners of his lips.

Kevin
Kevin also went with the full beard route. However, Kevin possesses a distinct advantage over his brothers - he has red facial hair! Thus, Kevin crafted a redbeard that would be the envy of any Notre Dame leprechaun. It was also the envy of his boss. Kevin proudly displayed his facial hair at work - even getting an ID photo taken with a full beard. His boss demanded that Kevin reveal the 'stache at work before leaving for Thanksgiving. Kevin complied and made that boss feel like a lesser man. This was truly an original 'stache. Thinner than the other Heffernan boys, it had the distinct advantage of being red.

So after finally arriving Wednesday night, the above photo was taken and the brothers went to sleep one last time with their 'staches. The next morning, Ian cracked and decided to shave. The rest of the brothers followed suit, Colin reluctantly, and the 'staches were no more. However, Dad never did get rid of his mustache. I think he got the message, thanks to a little help from the friends on our upper lips.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

God is Irish

#3 Louisville? Loss.
#4 Texas? Loss.
#5 Auburn? Loss.
#6 Florida? Win*...
#8 California? Loss.

The way I see it, Notre Dame wins out and they have one helluva good shot at the BCS title game.

Oh, and just as icing on the cake - Florida State is shutout at home 30-0 by Wake Forest, it's first home shutout in 33 years. And Miami loses to Maryland. Both teams are now 5-5. I wonder why we aren't hearing any stories about why those two schools can't compete at such a high football level with their stringent academic requirements. Oh yeah - because their players don't go to class... Is there any doubt God is a Notre Dame fan?


* = Florida didn't win as much as South Carolina lost. A blocked extra point, a 55-yard field goal negated because of a home field call, a blocked field goal, and another blocked field goal that would've won the game as time expired. Not a very convincing win at home against a South Carolina team that everyone seems to think is so good even though they're 5-5...

A.C. Liger

So I recently asked some of you for help with a new soccer team I'm forming. My initial idea was AWESOM-O FC, after the most famous robot in cartoon history. Unfortunately, a group of teammates shot that down. They came back with the funny, Man-chest-hair United. While I laughed, it's not a name I would want to be associated with for a whole season. Also, since we are coed, a few girls did take issue. I did give them props for their uniform badge idea - an inverted triangle with a tuft of hair!

So now I will unveil the official team name (if you haven't already figured it out)...

A.C. Liger

You might ask, "What in the heck is that?" Well, it's a little homage to Napoleon Dynamite. You may recall the brief scene when Deb takes a peek at Napoleon's sketchbook on the steps at school. One of the many immortal dialogue exchanges from the movie ensues:

Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

So check out our official team logo at the top, and our team badge. Our uniforms will be adidas Squadra II - Argentina style, with sky blue jerseys and socks matched with black shorts. It should be pretty awesome. Too bad most of the players have very little experience. Oh well, it will be pretty damn fun though! I'll keep you posted on our glorious accomplishments throughout the season!

Viva la Science!

I don't think I could state this any better, so I'll just paste this link:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/11/05/nosplit/nwarm05.xml

My only regret is that I didn't read this sooner and post before election day. I recommend checking back next week for the second part of Mr. Monckton's piece...

The Blind Taste Test

About a week ago Stewart Mandel, an si.com college football writer that I usually enjoy, wrote an article doing a blind comparison between Notre Dame and another unnamed team's schedule/record, a la college basketball tournament worthiness (this full article can be read here). His point being that Notre Dame's schedule and record compare more favorably to Boston College/a mid-teens ranked team than to the "elite" programs. Using Mandel's scientific method here are the schedules and records of three other 1-loss teams. Can you guess who they are?

Team 1:

Result	Opponent	Score
Win	No. 107	56-7
Loss	No. 1	24-7
Win	@No. 83	52-7
Win	No. 85	37-14
Win	I-AA	56-3
Win	@No. 17	28-10
Win	No. 75	63-31
Win	@No. 36	22-20
Win	@No. 59	35-31
Win	No. 51	36-10

Team 2:

Result	Opponent	Score
Win	No. 73	20-10
Win	No. 118	14-13
Win	@No. 67	24-13
Win	@No. 81	27-3
Win	I-AA	34-14
Loss	No. 23	27-17
Win	@No. 70	25-23
Win	@No. 102	24-17
Win	No. 21	21-14

Team 3:

Result	Opponent	Score
Loss	@No. 16	35-18
Win	No. 54	42-17
Win	I-AA	42-16
Win	@No. 34	49-21
Win	@No. 24	41-13
Win	No. 19	45-24
Win	@No. 28	21-3
Win	No. 46	31-24
Win	No. 45	38-24

Now, looking at those three teams I would think their schedules and records are pretty comparable. If forced to choose, I would say Team 2 has the most impressive resume and is most deserving of a national title shot.

Who are they?

Team 1 = Texas, currently ranked #4 in the BCS
Team 2 = Wake Forest, currently ranked #20 in the BCS
Team 3 = California, currently ranked #8 in the BCS

So why such the disparity? The obvious conclusion is that Wake Forest and California were punished early for lack of preseason hype and a first week stomping, respectively. Meanwhile, Texas was highly regarded to start the season and although they suffered an early-season whipping at home by Ohio State pollsters were hesitant to punish them for the loss.

My first point is this - teams aren't be responsible for their schedule. All they can do is win the games they play. I know it's popular these days to rewrite history, but, like it or not, Notre Dame had the most difficult schedule through the first 5 weeks of the season and performed admirably over that stretch. Of all 1-loss teams, Notre Dame dropped the most in the rankings following their loss. Why is that? True, the were beaten pretty badly at home, but so was Texas. Mandel tried to prove that Notre Dame is more on par with a Boston College based objectively on schedule and record. That's just asinine. Does he honestly think that Boston College is as good or better than Notre Dame. By the same rationale does he think Texas, California, and Wake Forest are equals? Of course not.

My second, and final, point is this - pollsters are morons, and as long as they have a say in rankings and national championships prejudice, bias, and hypocrisy like above will be a constant in college football. The system is ready for, and in need of, change...

Conference Call Hell

So I'm sitting here on a work conference call that occurs once a quarter. Unfortunately, the call is mandatory and I'm still low on the totem pole and my managers would notice and berate me if I wasn't on the call. Meanwhile, thos same managers don't attend because they know how painful these update calls can be. But I digress.

In an effort to get better attendance on these calls, Ernst & Young TSRS (my division) decided to give prizes away to persons actually on the call. Sadly, they didn't just want to pull a name out of a hat and give it to someone, they wanted to make it "fun." They decided to use the "Deal or No Deal" format to award prizes. This idea, while promising on paper because a fiasco for several reasons:

1. Because it was a phone call, I couldn't see beatiful models holding suitcases filled with money.
2. Someone who wasn't on the call won a prize! The prizes were for call attendees; someone explain to me how this happened?
3. The Howie Mandel impersonator had the personality of a brick.
4. I didn't win anything.

Attendance for this call was high - attention paid to the speakers on the call was, understandably, low. I have been on conference calls at a lot of different places and companies, and it's always the same. The details are boring and at too high a level for someone in my position, and the efforts to keep people like me on the call and interested are corny and embarrassing, and actually drive more people away from the call.

Unidentified woman on a conference call.

I propose the following formula to increase conference call interest and attendance across the country:

1. Everyone who attends is given a $25 gift card to Best Buy, Barnes and Noble, or McDonalds (for technophiles, bibliophiles, and fat people, respectively).
2. Conference calls cannot last longer than 45 minutes.
3. At least 15 minutes of the call is devoted to talking about national or international sports.
4. Presenters must not try to be humorous during their section of the call (there is nothing funny and no way to find any amount of humor when talking about testing database servers for appropriate setups).

These simple suggestion should help alleviate many problems with conference calls while simulataneously increasing attendance and motivation. Take it from me, I'm an almost-MBA.

Subjective College Football Groupings

In professional sports it's become a fairly common practice to debate the winners of MVP awards. Pundits like to say that there should be two separate awards, one for the Most Valuable player and one for the Most Outstanding player because these two concepts are radically different and often are not represented by the same player. Well, after watching Louisville basically earn a place in the college football national title game with a victory over West Virginia last night I'm beginning to think college football needs to segregate it's national champion from it's best team.

At the start of every college football season pundits talk about who will win the national championship. Some teams get legitimate mentions because they are outstanding football teams. Some teams get lumped in based solely on having a reputation as a 'big' football school. Others are simply in the discussion because they have a good shot at going undefeated and folks assume that for some reason these teams should be included. It's all bullshit. Does anyone honestly think that should Louisville make it to the national title game they're more deserving than the loser of the Ohio State-Michigan game? Heck no! There's the national champion and then there's the best team. And just like in MVP awards, the two aren't always one in the same.

So here's my completely subjective college football groupings based on nothing other than who I think are contenders and who are pretenders.

LEGITIMATE TEAMS: These teams are here because if they play their game, no one outside the other teams in this group could beat them. They all deserve to be in the national title discussion.

• Ohio State
• Michigan
• Southern Cal
• Notre Dame

SURVIVING ON REPUTATION: In other years, any one of these teams could be in the legitimate teams group. This year they're not quite up to snuff, but still get mentioned because of name recognition.They're all capable of beating one another, but they'd need some help in beating any of the legitimate teams.

• Florida
• Auburn
• Texas
• Tennessee

POSERS: These teams have no business being in the national title discussion. The only reason they're here is because they happen to be in a BCS-affiliated conference and/or happen to have a shot at going undefeated in a mid-major conference. Either way, they're competitive with one another but would probably get spanked by any of the legitimate or reputation teams, provided those teams don't completely melt-down.

• Louisville
• West Virginia
• California
• Rutgers
• Arkansas
• Boise State

So there you have it. Completely arbitary. Absolutely debatable. But that's the way I see the college football landscape. To think of it in another way, try this - Take your favorite college football team and imagine they could play any of the above teams for a national championship. Would anyone pick a team not in the posers group? Or, imagine you could remove 5 of the teams above and the rest are put in a hat from which one is chosen randomly to play your favorite college football team for the national championship. Would anyone not choose all 4 legitimate teams and probably 1 reputation team? But it's just an opinion, but then again so is the determination of who gets to play for the national championship...

This Time It's Personal...

This past weekend Notre Dame handily defeated a pretty darn good Navy football team. I should know - I was there, and I was never really worried. So after a convincing win over a good team on the road I expected Notre Dame to move up at least 1 spot in the rankings, considering some teams had the week off, others lost, and some others were played pretty close. I was wrong. For the second week in a row, Notre Dame was jumped by a team that did not play after Notre Dame had won. Last week it was Florida, this week California. Once is ignorance, twice is personal...

After Florida jumped the Irish last week head coach Charlie Weis complained about the polls and wondered how a team "home eating cheeseburgers" could jump a team that played and won. That appears to have been a mistake, one for which the pollsters were more than happy to punish him, as the exact same thing occurred this week.

Since arriving in the college ranks Weis has been labeled as arrogant and aloof - that, combined with Notre Dame's reputation as being arrogant and aloof, being an independent, and having their own contract with NBC seems to have created some animosity in the college football world. I posted here a few months back about an article that said many coaches were rooting against Notre Dame in the Penn State game simply so that Weis would get his comeupance from fan-favorite Joe Paterno. Apparently, those coaches and pollsters are now doing what Paterno could not and are taking out their bias in a much more direct manner - via the polls. Folks will say this shouldn't matter because the Irish didn't move positions in the BCS, but remember, the AP and Coaches polls are both part of the BCS equation. If Notre Dame continues to be punished in those polls, it will eventually affect their BCS standing.

I've long been a fan of the college bowl system and the AP and Coaches polls. Mainly because when it got down to it, they were pretty accurate and objective. That is no longer the case. Pollsters are obviously attempting to punish Notre Dame where it hurts most - in the wallet...

OVERPRICED SPACE-ROOMBA AWAITING MORE BULLSHIT ORDERS

Mars Rover Beginning To Hate Mars

PASADENA, CA—After nearly three years of nonstop data collection, Spirit has begun transmitting obscene gestures and confusing rants.

I know a lot fo you probably read The Onion from time to time, which is really one of the funniest web sites around. However, this article made me laugh harder than I have in a long time. Honestly, I really do love space exploration. I used to read all about it when I was younger, considered aerospace engineering as a step to being an astronaut, know all about the obscure history (did you know the Soviets had a moon shot ready to beat Apollo 11, but the rocket blew up on the launch pad), and I even bought Tom Hanks' DVD set From the Earth to the Moon!

Thus, I closely followed the development, launch and landing of Spirit and Opportunity. But that was 3 years ago! It really is funny that these things are still rolling around the surface of Mars doing useless science, and engineers are posting riveting mission updates such as this epic, "Spirit Clears Away Dust, Gets New Software Upgrade." It is even funnier that there is a crew of highly educated scientists holed up in some bunker/mission control, living life based on Martian sols. That's right, they only work when it's daytime on Mars. Since Mars has a longer day than Earth, that makes for some pretty interesting work hours!

Alright, enough joking around. Read the article and laugh your butt off. Then, look forward to the next big space mission that doesn't include some rich dude shelling out $20 million to waste a seat on a rocket to the ISS. The new NASA launch vehicles are in development, and real space exploration will resume in the next 2 decades: Moon return by 2018 and Mars missions in the planning stages.

Heroes

The Hiro Nakamura of the future.

I don't know if any of you guys have been watching this show, but it's freaking awesome. I'm hooked on it like Whitney Houston on crack. NBC took an idea that everyone loves, comic book superheroes, and essentially turned it into a TV drama. The acting is very good, and they have a few people you'll recognize as well.

What's going on is that regular Joe's on the street are finding out they have super powers. Some are more super than others, but all are pretty cool. However, these people aren't going out and fighting crime like Spidey and Superman, they are trying to maintain their normal lives. However, there is a super-villain as well, though we don't know exactly what powers he has, and he is currently just starting to interact with the Heroes.

Here now is a run down of the Heroes and their powers:

Claire Bennet - a cheerleader from Texas, Claire is pretty much indestructible. In one episode, she wakes up and is cut open on an autopsy table. Pretty gross stuff. You may have heard the taglines of the show - "Save the cheerleader, save the world."

Nathan Petrelli - Congressman who can fly.

Peter Petrelli - Brother of Nathan, we just found out that he mimics the powers of any other hero he is around.

Niki Sanders (played by Ali Larter) - has an alter-ego she can't control. The alter ego is extremely strong and very brutal. Kind of like the Hulk, especially since the alter-ego only comes out when she's threatened.

Isaac Mendez - when he's high on heroine (and they show him with the spoon and needle), he can paint the future. His superpower is quite expensive. He just painted the death of Claire Bennet, and so we had the tagline again.

Hiro Nakamura - can bend space and time. He can teleport and move through time. He's still working on refining this ability.

Matt Parkma - the wuss of the show, and a cop to boot, he can hear people's thoughts. He also was beat down already by the bad guy.

Unlike Lost, this story can continue indefinitely because you can always come up with new villains and new heroes in a show like this. I'm excited about this because there can be lots of mini-stories for each hero, and also an over-arching story they all participate in, which is exactly what is happening.

It's a fun show, and so far it has had a small stupid factor. Plus, it's fun watching how these superheroes live their lives and use their powers. Hiro Nakamura was at a casino stopping time and winning lots of money, and Isaac Mendez writes a comic book about the superheroes mentioned above, though he didn't know they were real people.

If you don't watch it or haven't seen it yet, I recommend checking in on it - Mondays at 9PM. Also, every week NBC plays the most recent episode online at NBC.com. It's a great way to kill an hour if you have other things going on Monday night.

Don Criqui Rules

The NBC Contract. That phrase alone is enough for any Notre Dame fan to understand what you're talking about. It's the deal that shook down the thunder on the college football landscape back in 1993 and has provided us with the joy (and agony) of watching every Irish home football game for 13 years. This is the deal that essentially forced the concept of the Superconference with a championship game, and caused the conference shuffle that we have seen in the last 10 years. Notre Dame recently extended that contract through 2010, a shrewd deal for both parties as our team can't get any worse than the last 10 years!

However, it may be time to rethink some aspects of this contract. The product put on the air is Notre Dame. Don't you think Notre Dame should have some control over that? I am talking about the declining production value of the games. Does anyone remember the LAME electric guitar version of the fight song that NBC used for as long as I can remember? Thank God they finally got rid of it! Does anyone remember the original broadcast team? I do - Dick Enberg and Bill Walsh. Those guys were awesome! Who do we get now? Pat Haden, a damn USC grad, and Tom Hammond, who wishes he was calling the Kentucky Derby instead. I am so sick of listening to these losers every week. Can't we get somebody better? If ABC runs a merry-go-round in the booth for Monday night football based on ratings, that tells me something. NBC could improve ratings by hiring a better team.

Who cares if the guys are pro-ND. Hell, lets get some graduates! Does NBC really need to keep up an illusion of impartiality when it comes to these games? Face it, we're in bed together. Notre Dame knows it, NBC knows it, and the rest of the country sure as hell knows it! I'm not asking for John Madden and Al Michaels. I want them to bring in Don Criqui!!!

The Westwood One radio crew of Don Criqui and Alan Pinkett is awesome. Criqui graduated form Notre Dame, and we all know Pinkett did. I always loved Criqui's NFL calls. I listened to some of the UCLA game broadcast this weekend on Sirius while taking Ali to the airport. I also read numerous reviews about it afterwards. Apparently, Criqui and Pinkett were ABSOLUTELY RAILING on the Pac 10 officials throughout the game! That is awesome! They were holding Abiamiri on EVERY SINGLE PLAY, and Criqui pointed it out again and again. That's what I'm talking about.

The capper is Criqui's call of the final TD to the Shark. This call is F-ing amazing! It makes me jump up and cheer every time I listen to it. And so I present to you in all its glory, the Westwood One Radio Call of that play. Just listen to the excitement. We need that in the booth!!!

Creepy People

I am sure you have all seen the reports that John Mark Carr - of Jon Benet fame - has moved in with his father in an Atlanta suburb. Not surprisingly, the neighborhood has found out and is freaking out. I don't blame them. The guy hasn't been convicted of anything so he doesn't have to register as a sex offender with any local or state agencies, but hopefully the public will never let him out of its sight and we will always know where this creepy person lives - hopefully far away from my home.

Sadly, however, there are still 16 other creepy people living within one mile of my home. 16! Within one mile! Eek. You can do your own check of registered sex offenders in your area...here's the link to mine in FL (with creepy photos, detailed description of offenses, and specific addresses). Y'all know where I live, if you want to enter my address. I won't post it here for the creepy people to find.

http://offender.fdle.state.fl.us/offender/Search.jsp

I will have to do some re-con this evening because I am worried that some of these addresses are actually in my apartment complex. Good lord. And these are only the creepy people we have already caught.

Have You Ever Seen These Two People Together??!!

Have you ever seen the famous ESPN gambling analyst "Hammering" Hank Goldberg and the newest Heffernan in the same room at the same time? Why am I asking this question?

At my office we have an NFL pick-em league where every week you pick which NFL teams will win based on confidence points. We have had this league for the last 2 years, and for the last 2 years I have won the league exactly twice out of roughly 32 games. The interesting aspect of my 2 victories is the fact that for both victories I didn't make the picks, Liz did! In fact, her picks for this most recent week of NFL games can only be described as amazing. Please see the standings:

As you can see not only did she pick every game right, she also nailed the points for the Monday Night game to take home the victory! Everyone knows a Broncos - Ravens game will be a defensive dogfight! Kudos to Liz for beating the crap out of stupid CBOT workers.

Battlestar Galactica

The fall TV season is in full swing again. I am very pleased to find the number of "reality" shows has dwindled, and there are a lot of new interesting dramas on this season. I actually can't watch too many of them, but decided to give Studio 60 a shot. So far, so good.

However, one of the best shows on television debuts its 3rd season tonight - Battlestar Galactica. I caught on about midway through the 1st season of this show and have been hooked ever since. The Friday night time slot is usually a death blow to a show, but this suits BSG just fine. Being on SciFi also helps with reairings throughout the week. I can't really put my finger on why this show is so great, but I can say this - it certainly is. Everyone that watches it loves it, from sci-fi fans to regular folks to critics.

I think the strength of the show lies in the fact that it isn't just about outer space and a war with Cylon robots. That is only the premise. BSG uses that background as a canvas with which to explore fundamental human qualities. Past episodes have dealt with religion, politics, the black market, family issues and even abortion! I don't know how the writers pull off these topics on a sci-fi show, but they continue to so. After the bombshell ending of season 2, I can't wait to see what's in store this year.

A couple tips to all those considering watching. The miniseries that started the show, as well as seasons 1 and 2 are all available on DVD - right up to tonight's episode. It's a great way to catch up, especially if you have Netflix or Blockbuster. There is also a "Story So Far" recap available online at SciFi.com that covers the highlights. For those who are already fans, make sure you check out the Webisodes available at SciFi.com. They cover the resistance movement on New Caprica since last season's finale. A great lead in to the new season.

Watch this show! It's worth the hour!

Google Calendar is Awesome

If you guys are using Gmail, and if you aren't you should be, then you should also use Google Calendar.

It's easy to set up, you can keep track of your schedule from anywhere, and you can add other people's calendars as well. I set up my own and also track an ND football calendar so I don't forget about any games. Give it a try and look me up.

Planting The Flag

I was there. Colin was sitting right next to me. September 18, 2005. Michigan State comes to South Bend and shows Charlie Weis why emotion is such an important part of college football, to the tune of a 44-41 OT loss. That game was brutal, and the flag planting at the end of the game was absolutely classless. Michigan State players, fans and its coach John L. Smith should be embarrassed by such a poor display of sportsmanship. Why a gang of ND players didn't pound them is beyond me.

I have heard excuse after excuse since that day from Sparty. First, that these were younger players who didn't know any better. WRONG! Seniors and a co-captain were a part of this event. How about MSU was ticked that ND didn't give up the megaphone trophy awarded to the winner each year. WRONG! The award is never given out at the game, and the flag planting occurred the second the game ended.
How about payback for ND doing the same thing the previous year. WRONG! This was never even suggested in articles and blogs after the 2004 game or any other game in the past. Finally, surely John L. Smith would never condone such behavior. WRONG! An on-camera interview during the game had this gem regarding his feelings about the flag, "My boys didn't know where the 50 yard line was. That's what really bothered me!" What a total a-hole!!! I almost broke my TV when Brent laughed at the comment. Muskberger needs to be shot.

The other issue is that of motivation. Both teams denied that the event provided any motivation to the other team. MSU attempted to deflect the flag incident by claiming Weis stated that he would never lose to Michigan State again. Did Weis say it? I don't know, but I'd be willing to wager a few hundred that he did. So what. Promising your boosters that you'll do well? What a big slight against poor, disrespected Sparty! John L. said the flag incident was not in his teams mind. Weis refused to admit it was motivation.

However, after our remarkable comeback victory, 3 things became clear:

• First, Weis now understands the power of emotion with his team. The Michigan game last week finally drilled home that lesson to Charlie. Never again will we go into a game with the cold, business-as-usual attitude of the NFL. Weis obviously used the flag-planting as a motivational tool, although he will never admit it to outsiders.
• Second, Weis is all class. After our emotional victory, our players and coaches walked right to our fan section and sang the Alma Mater. No flag plantings or showboating of any kind.
  
• Third, John L. Smith has zero class and and his players reflect that. After the game, three of his players immediately stood at the 50 yard-line standing guard against a possible Irish flag planting. What does this tell me? That Smith actually had a gameplan for losing. That he absolutely used the flag planting as motivation.

In summary, John L. Smith has no class, is a liar, and is a terrible coach to boot! Sparty will collapse again this season after losing their "Super Bowl," and Smith will get the pink slip he so much deserves. What a great victory. This picture circulating the web summarizes my entire argument. CLASSIC!

Why So Quiet??

So Teresa and I were in attendance at the ND-Michigan game Saturday. And after the Ndukwe INT and following ND TD, there was little to nothing to cheer about.

A few things that I did note seeing the game "live":

1. Our WR's played AWFUL! McKnight and Samardzija were not running their routes. They were half-assing it all over the field. Brady overthrough McKnight several times because Rhema did not run out the routes. Also, McKnight dropped at least 3 balls, maybe more. I believe the "stone-hands" crew out there made Brady look even worse than he really was.
2. The OL is about as consistent as- well, they're not. They dominated Michigan at times, and then looked as porous as Colin's old underwear.
3. Darius Walker and Price (the punter) were the only good Irish players. Walker didn't get many rushes, but he did well with the short passes to him out of the backfield. Price probably stopped Michigan from scoring 100 pts because he was punting so damn well.
4. Our defense got tired. Yeah, Terrail Lambert got smoked several times, but we stopped Michigan when it was necessary and gave our offense a shot. But no first downs in the first and third quarter left our defense on the field too long and they were tired and prone to mistake and easy pickin's by the Michigan offense.
5. Lloyd Carr out-games Charlie Weis. Other than the special teams battle, Charlie got beat everywhere else. Lloyd Carr humbled Charlie like no one else. God I hate saying that.

During the fourth quarter, I've never heard Notre Dame stadium so quiet. The Michigan fans, maybe 500 strong sitting in the top stadium behind the south end zone started a chant of "Why so quiet" during a timeout. The remaing 65,000 ND fans (because at least 14,500 had left by this point), sat in unresponsive silence because there was no comeback to that chant. We got whooped and we knew it, and Michigan knew it. Those 500 fans could be heard clear as day in my seat in the north end zone. It was like there were 40,000 of them. "Why so quiet?" they asked? Because we were shown we're still not a national championship contender.

Rumors and Such...

Just read this:

Within his fraternity, Joe Paterno has plenty of friends this week. We're talking about guys who wouldn't mind at all if Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis gets knocked down a rung or two by Penn State on Saturday, even right out of the national-title race. No Division I head coach is going to come out publicly and say so, but they don't argue at all with that general assessment.
-- Philadelphia Inquirer

First off, I'm sure this is all about the lovable JoPa and his Coke bottle glasses and has nothing to do with Notre Dame getting tons of publicity and coverage and having their own television station. Second, Joe Paterno (and Bobby Bowden too, for that matter) is nothing more than a figurehead at this point in his career. Until last season's miracle turnaround the entire state of Pennsylvania was calling for his head, which is ironic since he hasn't called a offensive or defensive play in about 15 years. For all intents and purposes he's retired and just collecting a gifted salary.

Also, did anyone catch Michael Irvin's interview with Bobby Bowden last Monday before the FSU-Miami game? Here's a little gem from that conversation:

Irvin: Why did you let me go to Miami and not try harder to get me into this school?
Bowden: You wanted too much money.
Irvin and Bowden both laugh insanely...

You can't make stuff like that up. My question is why isn't either Florida State or the NCAA putting a muzzle on that idiot? Because you get the sinking feeling that it's probably 100% true...

The Sounds of Silence

Here are my comments on this past weekend's victory of Georgia Tech:

• Georgia Tech is vastly underrated. When you have the (undisputed) best WR in the country, a 4-year starting quarterback, and a RB that only transferred because he was behind the best RB in the country (Adrian Peterson) you have a good team.
• It was huge to win on the road against a good team to start the season. Whilst our next two opponents were playing Akron and Vanderbilt, respectively, at home, Notre Dame was able to beat Georgia Tech (1 of only 4 D-1A teams to play in a bowl game six years running) in their backyard.
• I hope the close win both builds character and knocks the team down a few notches from their offseason high horses.
• If you want to play the penalty game and say the (obvious) spearing call against GT was a gimme, remember the phantom hold called on Rhema McKnight on the first drive of the game. If that doesn't get called Notre Dame is up 7 about 2 minutes into the game and the entire dynamic changes.
• I don't know about you, but I lasted 3 minutes into the 2nd quarter before I had to put my TV on mute...
  

Notre Dame Is Back - BUT...

The 2006 Notre Dame football season is upon us. So what does the cover of every sports magazine and college football preview issue say? NOTRE DAME IS BACK. We really are. We have an amazing coach who gets Notre Dame, a strong team of upper classmen, two consecutive top recruiting classes, and a Heisman trophy frontrunner. Ticket applications are at an all-time high, hotels are charging $600 a night for game weekends (with a 3 day minimum stay), and every Irish game will again be nationally televised. Finally, we are ranked #2 and #3 in the top preseason polls and are a legit National Title contender.

All of this is amazing and I know we all are dying for the season to start. However, I just wanted to remind everyone what being back on top really means. There is no joy or happiness in being on top. The only way that happens is if we really win it all, which has happened once in my lifetime that I can remember ( I was a little young in 1977). Being on top means angst, doubt, anger and dispair. Every game is a must win. Blowouts mean our schedule is too weak, and we will get hurt in the polls. A close win is a portent of future collapse, and losses are absolutely devastating. Notre Dame is certainly back, but I don't know if I can take it!

So to get everyone mentally prepared for being back on top, we need to prepare for the inevitable letdown and ensuing dispair. By the way, November 20 and 30 are absolutely the worst days of the year for the Irish (fortunately, we play USC November 25 this year). I present to you...

The Bottom 10: Lowest Moments in Notre Dame Football

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#10 George Gipp Dies of Pneumonia

Gipp was the legendary Irish player under coach Knute Rockne. During his Notre Dame career, Gipp rushed for 2,341 yards and threw for 1,789, scored 21 touchdowns, averaged 38 yards a punt, and gathered 5 interceptions as well as 14 yards per punt return and 22 yards per kick return in four seasons of play for the Irish. He became Notre Dame's first All-American, elected by Walter Camp in 1920. Gipp died on December 14, 1920 at the ripe old age of 25. He contracted pneumonia after playing Northwestern 2 weeks earlier (on November 20) and never recovered.

The Bright Side: Rockne later uses Gipp's death to motivate his team with the most famous pep talk in the history of sports.

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#9 Rocket Ismail Loses the Heisman

Rocket was hands down the most exciting player in the history of college football. Any time he touched the ball, he had a chance to take it to the house. He single handedly won games against Michigan and Miami in 1990, and should have won us a National Championship by returning the final punt for a TD in the Orange Bowl. THERE WAS NO CLIP! However, the voters snub Notre Dame and give the Heisman Trophy to stat boy Ty Detmer of BYU. Did he play any real teams in his career at BYU?

The Bright Side: Ty Detmer gets his in the NFL. Rocket gets PAID in the CFL.

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#8 Notre Dame Gives Carson Palmer the Heisman

Apparently, Notre Dame can't earn a Heisman, but we can give one away! Notre Dame goes into LA on November 30, 2002, riding high at the close of Ty Willingham's first season. USC and Carson Palmer absolutely dismantle the Irish winning 44-13. Palmer passes for 425 yards and 4 touchdowns. Fresh off this complete annihilation of Notre Dame, Palmer leaps to the front of the Heisman race and wins in a landslide. The worst thing is that deep down, we all realize that Ty is not the answer.

The Bright Side: The Bengals draft Palmer and he turns the franchise around. Cincinnati Bengals: Super Bowl XLI Champions!

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#7 George O'Leary Resigns in Disgrace

In 2001, after the failed Davie experiment, George O'Leary left Georgia Tech to take over as the head coach for the University of Notre Dame. His coaching tenure was highlighted by... his hiring press conference. O'Leary never coached a day of practice, as he resigned five days later after he was discovered to have lied on his resume. On the resume, O'Leary claimed that he had earned a master's degree from New York University when in actuality, he only attended the school but never graduated. He also claimed that he had earned three letters in football at the University of New Hampshire, when the school claimed he had not even played in one game. Notre Dame is a laughingstock.

The Bright Side: He really wasn't the right match for the Irish anyway. He probably would have been slightly better than Willingham as coach and we would still be stuck with him and an above average team for several more years.

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#6 NCAA Probation

In 1999, the NCAA found Notre Dame guilty of a "major violation" of NCAA regulations after deciding Kim Dunbar had systematically given players money and gifts between 1993 and 1998. Dunbar was living with a player, with whom they shared a child. She basically supported him and his friends. Yeah, she was a scum bag because she embezzled the money from her company. However, we got nailed because she paid $25 to go to a QB Club luncheon making the NCAA consider her a booster! Notre Dame football was placed on probation by the NCAA for two years, and this piece of garbage, suitable only for toilet paper, was published.

The Bright Side: For this "major violation", Notre Dame only lost 1 scholarship for 2 consecutive years.

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#5 Don't Call It A Comeback

I threw this bone in there for Dad. November 30, 1974. Notre Dame goes up on USC 24-0. However, USC comes roaring back scoring 55 consecutive points! Davis, who had returned 2 kicks for TDs against the Irish 2 years before, scores 4 himself. In my worst nightmares, I can't imagine how I would feel watching 55 straight get run off against us. USC goes on to win the National Championship.

The Bright Side: I wasn't alive and never have to share in Dad's nightmares.

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#4 Gerry Faust Goes Out in Style

You guessed it, November 30, 1985. Gerry Faust has announced his resignation after years of mediocrity at Notre Dame. The Irish travel to the Orange Bowl for Faust's final regular season game against Miami. In a 58-7 whipping, Jimmy Johnson runs it up mercilessly against the hapless Irish defense. Watching the horror of this game is actually one of my first ND football memories. Sucks for me! Thirsty for revenge, the seeds of the Catholics vs. Convicts legend are sown.

The Bright Side: Lou Holtz arrives as head coach turning things around in 2 seasons before winning the National Championship in 1988.

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#3 The Push

In one of the greatest games in college football history, 2 time defending National Champ USC comes to South Bend expecting to smash the upstart Irish and continue their winning streak on the way to title #3. Notre Dame controls the game until we give up a miracle pass to Dwayne Jarrett on 4th and 9 for 61 yards. That hurt, but the clock running out making me think we won just ripped my heart out. Then, watching "The Push" steal victory from us was unbearable. I hate Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush.

The Bright Side: Even though we lost this one, deep down we all now know that Charlie Weis is indeed the real deal and the return to glory is imminent.

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#2 Knute Rockne's Plane Crashes

The greatest coach in the history of college football, Rockne single handedly put football and Notre Dame on the map. During 13 years as head coach, he oversaw 105 victories, 12 losses, five ties, and six national championships, including five undefeated seasons. At the peak of his coaching career, Rockne died in a tragic plane crash in Kansas in 1931. He had been visiting his sons at boarding school, when after takeoff the wing separated from the plane sending it into a nosedive before crashing into a rural field.

The Bright Side: Nothing makes a legend grow like an untimely death. Knute Rockne is canonized into college football lore, and the movie Knute Rockne: All-American is made later launching Ronald Reagan into the White House.

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#1 Boston College Ruins My Freshman Year

Every facet of this game just hurts to think about. Notre Dame is fresh off its victory in the Game of the Century against FSU in 1993. Now ranked #1, we are destined for the National Championship. Boston College comes to town (November 20) and pours it on. We look terrible, beaten. Then, we roar back to take the lead on a 2 pt conversion late in the 4th quarter, destiny seemed to shine upon us again! I am a freshman and the entire student section rushes the aisles in anticipation of rushing the field in moments. Then, I watch from the aisle as BC drives down the field and puts a field goal throught he uprights to win it with no time on the clock. The field gets rushed - by BC fans. Make the hurting stop!

The Bright Side: At least I didn't have to talk to Tracy Weaver who inexplicably came up to Notre Dame with Mom, Dad and Bridget that weekend.

Can't Wait for Saturday?

Here's a taste.

Game Week

The butterflies have officially started to flutter. Notre Dame is doing game-week practices for the season opener at Georgia Tech. That's right, the season is officially here! The quest for a National Title and Heisman Trophy begins Saturday. ESPN Gameday will kick things off at 10am. If Corso picks the Yellow Jackets, I will be a very happy man. I will be watching the game on foreign turf in Birmingham, AL with two 1 year-old girls. That doesn't mean I won't drop a few F-bombs!

If I Had 300 Million Dollars

The other day the missus told me she intended to have all holiday shopping accomplished by the end of September. After initially jumping back in fear thinking that my mom had somehow possessed my wife's body I started thinking about wish lists. Seeing as how my birthday is just 5 days before Christmas gift lists take on extra special meaning. As I went through my list I came to two sobering realizations:

1. I have expensive tastes.
2. My income is insufficient to satiate my expensive tastes.

That got me to thinking of what I would want if I did have the means. So here's the game - I win (solely) the next Powerball that hits the $300m barrier. What do I do with all that money? Here's how it plays out...

• Uncle Sam takes about 60% or $180m. Absolute shite, I should never have to pay taxes again so I sign up as a registered Republican to make sure this happens and purchase several politicians.
• I'd share the wealth with our immediate families. Parentals receive $5m/set, siblings receive $1m/family. Unfortunately we have two sets of parents and eight(8) siblings combined, setting me back a hefty $18m. You'd better appreciate it you ingrates...
• Real Estate. I'd buy a nice house on the leeward side of Maui and a good-sized house here in D.C. with ample yard. I'd also purchase 1000 or so acres in Montana abutting Ted Turner's ranch. I'd raise lions that would feed off Ted's bison and train them to accept a saddle.
  
• Rides. I've never been a fan of flashy cars (I aspire to one day one a Honda Accord), but if I had the money? Eh, why the hell not. The wife would get a top-of-the-line Range Rover decked out with every accoutrement possible, plus a machine gun turret. For me? An Audi A6 - sporty, yet luxurious - with a machine gun turret attached to match the wife's Range Rover. I'd also hire Ford to create a working version of 'The Homer' for my own personal enjoyment.
• Financial Services. No single financial institution would insure you for all that money, so I'd need to have diverse investments. I'd start by investing heavily in alpaca/llama farming (but far away from my lion ranch) - those things are a gold mine. I'd also buy a steel mine and work to perfect alchemy in order to chemically change the ordinary steel into gold. I'd also buy a gold mine... just in case.
• I'd setup a game park to hunt the most dangerous game of all - MAN! But I'd start by just hunting children. You don't just jump into hunting men - you have to work your way up...
• I'd pay Kevin Federline (in wife-beater t-shirts) to just go away.
• I'd found a hobo wrestling federation and make Crazy Hat Pete the president (he doesn't actually wear a hat, it's a beret). The show would be broadcast on the Oxygen channel.
• I'd hire an entourage to coat the ground before me with fresh rose petals so I never had to walk on common ground again.
• I'd purchase burial plots on the moon, with headstones visible from earth with the naked eye.
• I'd take up the most ostentatious hobby of them all - stamp collecting.
  

Who is...a SUPERSTAR?

This past Tuesday, I discovered that I'm better off relying on my brains and not my athletic prowess in contests from here on out. Gulp.

Formerly, I was a soccer SUPERSTAR (well, close to it, and I went to the World Cup), a basketball player (one season in fifth grade before all the kids got taller than me), a tee ball addict by age five (I cried until mom let me quit the team), a tennis pro consistently confused with Sharapova (I got a few cute outfits), a golfer (I got sun poisoning and refused to return to practice), a cheerleader (for the B team, and we were heckled by our own team. Seriously.), and an integral flag football team member (until it got too cold outside and I found I was just as happy eating leftover turkey from Thanksgiving). I also was a cross country runner and track SUPERSTAR in high school and college, and continued on to 5Ks and marathons as a young adult. Did I say SUPERSTAR yet?

I was so convinced of my athletic abilities up through the beginning of this summer that I organized and 'coached' a sand volleyball team consisting of associates from my office - a law firm. During the regular season, we played eight games...and lost eight games. No really. Out of 24 matches, we only came out on top in two and still lost those overall games 2-1. Most of us continued to play because we got free beer at a local pub after the games.

This past Tuesday, the local pub started a trivia contest which, of course, we entered. And won. SUPERSTARS! Who would have guessed that a bunch of lawyers would lose eight weeks' worth of volleyball games, yet come out on top in the first trivia contest they ever entered as a team? It was thrilling to win in trivia and know those years of watching Jeopardy! have paid off, but also disturbing to realize how badly we sucked at athletics these days.

I don't know if I'm ready yet to say goodbye to my years as an athletic SUPERSTAR. I keep telling myself that knowing the city in which 2/5 of Alaska's total population lives (Anchorage) is worth something at the end of the day.

Whatever Happened To My Hurricane?

Remember 2005 when we had a record number of hurricanes in the Atlantic, including the devastating Katrina in the New Orleans area? Remember all the media hype about how humans are influencing the environment which accelerates global warming which adversely affects global weather patterns which leads to disastrously frequent and large hurricanes? Whatever happened with all that?

Because as I sit here in Washington, D.C. on an unseasonably mild August morning (mid-70s), I can't recall hearing anything about any hurricanes this year, and we're already halfway through hurricane season. CNN has a special Hurricane Headquarters (hooray for alliteration) web site and you know they are just praying for another natural disaster, but so far mother nature isn't cooperating.

Could it be that, GASP!, human influence on the environment is less than we thought? Could it be that, GASP!, global warming isn't as severe as we thought? Could it be that, GASP!, we really have no f#$^ing clue about long-term weather cycles, what their frequencies and durations are, what affects them, and whether or not we are currently in the midst of one? Or could it just be that the Eastern seaboard and Gulf Coast are in for a rough couple of months?

I guess we'll find out over the remainder of the summer, but one thing is for certain - we know a lot less about (human influence on) global weather systems than we thought. So maybe before a bunch of ass-clowns like CNN host a web site about our impending doom during the 2006 hurricane season they should think twice...

Even More Serious...

Ian did highlight two very important news stories from the past week, but he neglected to discuss the two items that will have the most impact on our world.

The first is regarding a new movie release opening Friday - a little flick titled Snakes On A Plane. I predict this movie will open to packed houses making a run at Dead Man's Chest's opening weekend record of $135,634,554. No one can stop this movie. The internet support over the past year is unprecedented. The studio was wise and played up that support making the movie R-rated and including the now famous line, "I want these motherf%^$ snakes off this motherf&^$* plane!" after fans demanded it! I will be seeing it.

The next item is about a little bridge in Hungary. Budapest is in the process of building a bridge over the Danube in the northern part of the city. The government thought it would be a great idea to have an online contest allowing the public to nominate and vote for the bridge's name. As of last week, the #1 leading vote getter was... The Chuck Norris Bridge!!! This is awesome in so many ways. First, if you click on the link above, you'll see the site is entirely in Hungarian. No way stupid American internet geeks were voting for or even aware of the contest - it must have been Hungarians! Second, Chuck was beating all-comers by a wide margin, including the founder of Hungary! Finally, how awesome would it be for weary American travelers in Europe to come across Chuck Norris Hid (Hungarian for bridge) in the middle of Budapest! Alas, the widespread internet reporting of this phenomenon has rallied the people of Hungary to vote for Zrinyi Hid, a famous Hungarian historical family. Voting is still open, so get Chuck back on top!

On A More Serious Note...

There were a couple semi-serious news stories that surfaced over the last couple weeks that I wanted to address. But instead of a long-winded diatribe for each, I thought I'd combined them short and sweet to avoid getting all worked up and having my head explode.

The first story deals with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation donating over $287million for HIV research. I know, I know, how could I possibly see any wrong in this humanitarian gesture? Well, I wouldn't except for one little word - cancer. In the most recent statistics released by the CDC, cancer is the second leading cause for death among Americans with a staggering 22%. The top-10 leading causes for death account for over 83% of all deaths in the United States and HIV/AIDS is not among those top-10. Since the beginning of the AIDS epidemic (in 1981) an estimated 529,113 people have died from HIV/AIDS in the United States. That's slightly less than the number of cancer victims last year alone. All I'm saying is this - cancer is just as deadly, affects more people annually, kills more people annually, and is pretty much impossible to prevent. It's been around for ever and we're still no closer to a cure. By no means am I intending to belittle the HIV/AIDS epidemic, all I'm saying is couldn't some of that $287million gone to cancer research?

The second story just makes me sad - recent surveys show that less than 50% of Americans believe in evolution. That wouldn't be so troubling if those surveys were conducted in 1905, but these were done just last year! What is this, the middle ages? Are we going to excommunicate Galileo for suggesting that the Earth revolves around the sun? The line between government and religion is precariously thin and that is not a good sign, as I've stated on this blog previously; however, it is simply unconscionable to allow religious beliefs to interfere with science. Not only is it unconscionable it's simply ignorant and narrow-minded. Somewhere down the line your ancestor was a monkey (see the image in the post below). God didn't wiggle his nose and create you out of clay or an extra rib. The Genesis story is an allegory. Grow up and deal with it. Normally I wouldn't really care if people made a conscious decision to be morons, but since so many of these morons hold a seat in office I don't want to see science stagnate because these knuckleheads withhold funding based on theological beliefs. The only people who fear the advancement of science are those of little faith and, worse, those who have something to gain by keeping you in the dark...

The Fears of Colin

In Kevin's eloquent and touching best man's speech this past weekend at Colin's wedding he briefly touched on Colin's phobia of the singing, animatronic gorilla ringleader, named 'Fatz Geronimo', of the Showbiz Pizza Place band - The Rock-afire Explosion (and looking at that photo above, I can begin to understand why). Well, in an effort at brevity Kevin left out the majority of Colin's phobias which are now chronicled here, for your enjoyment.

• Ladybugs - No one is quite sure why, but these cute, tiny insects absolutely terrified Colin. Actually, if you were just to sing the song, 'Ladybuy Picnic' in Colin's vicinity he would break into tears.
• The Incredible Hulk (TV version) - It didn't take much, as soon as Bill Bixby, aka Bruce Banner, lost control of that tire iron and looked into the camera with those green eyes in the introductory sequence Colin was screaming. One can only guess if Colin ever saw the theatrical version released several years ago, but my guy says, 'No'.
• Thriller - Before Michael Jackson became a psychotic pedophile he was the coolest musician in the world, posing on the cover of the best-selling album of all-time in a white suit (sans shirt) with a white tiger cub. But Colin would never know this because as soon as that video started he vanished faster than Jacko's sanity in the mid-90's.
• Heights - Funny that Colin worked briefly as a roofer in college when he is severely acrophobic. The quintessential Colin roofing story begins with Colin beginning to slowly slide off the roof at one of his worksites. Colin became, quite literally, paralyzed with fear and was unable to even take the meager steps necessary to prevent himself from plummeting over the edge. It was not until a co-worker spotted Colin and reacted quickly by pulling him to safety that he was able to snap out of his trance. Colin spent the rest of that summer picking up discarded shingles from the ground.
• Girls - This, obviously, couldn't be mentioned at the wedding, but now that it's official and Liz can't get away (at least not without much legal hullaballoo) we should note that the coolest cat in town is also terrified of talking to girls. I once stumbled upon Colin writing out notes on 3x5 cards in high school. I assumed he was studying for a test and asked him what he was up to. He, rather sheepishly, responded that he was jotting down talking points as he was about call a girl and needed things about which to converse. That girl must've been puddy in his hands...

I'm sure I've overlooked several here, so feel free to chime in in the comments section with any phobias of Colin's that I've overlooked...