The Royal Heffernans


Quite possibly the best family ever

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Jennifer Love Hewitt Phenomenon


WARNING! Mentioning this woman's name near women can prove hazardous to your health


If you are a Heffernan man you are never at a loss for ways to irritate, annoy, or outright anger members of the gentler persuasion. But in recent years I have stumbled upon an interesting discovery that I have dubbed 'The Jennifer Love Hewitt Phenomenon' which basically states,
All women despise Jennifer Love Hewitt and, by extension, any person (be it male or female) who does not also despise her.
Here is an example of the phenomenon in action:
  1. While watching an an episode of the television show Lost with a female, mention how much you liked the man who portrays the character Jack (Matthew Fox) when he was on the television show Party of Five.
  2. Mention how you thought that Neve Campbell was attractive on Party of Five. This will undoubtedly receive concurring nods and words of assent from any female present.
  3. Then mention how you also thought that Jennifer Love Hewitt was very attractive, possibly surpassing Neve Campbell in attractiveness, on that same television show.
  4. Duck.
  5. Avoid invective, thrown objects, and laser beams emitted from said female's eyes.

It really is quite extraordinary when seen in action; however, I am at a complete loss for the rationale behind the phenomenon. Women typically take offense to men finding 'sluttier' celebrities (e.g. Britney Spears, Shakira) attractive, but usually agree when men compliment more 'wholesome' celebrities. I would place the star of such classic movies as Garfield the Movie and Garfield II: A Tale of Two Kittens firmly in the latter classification. So why women harbor such contempt towards her is nothing short of mind-boggling.

So try putting this phenomenon to the test the next time you can casually introduce Jennifer Love Hewitt into a conversation with a female friend as I would be interested in compiling more data in support of my theory. But beware, simply mentioning her name will likely cause you great emotional, and possibly physical, distress...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Bathroom Etiquette


I was using the facilities at work today when two gentlemen entered. One headed into a stall while the other moved to a urinal. They were conversing as they entered and, much to my chagrin, this conversation continued even as both gentlemen proceeded to do their business. When urinal-man finished he said his goodbyes to stall-man and walked out. It reminded me of one of the IT techs at my old company who I would occasionally catch talking on the phone while offloading in a stall. Now, I'm not going to go so far as Isaac Asimov's future vision of absolute silence and zero eye-contact in restrooms, but I do feel a moderate amount of decorum should be expected and maintained. Here are some ground rules...

  • Conversations should only be maintained if both parties are at the same type of plumbing apparatus. Same apparatus promotes a kind of brotherhood or kinship between respective parties. Both at urinals? Fine, yes, this has been an excellent game thus far. Both in stalls? That's okay too, and yes, those nachos are indeed spicy.
  • If conversing at a urinal eyes should remain directly ahead (if there are no dividing walls), allowing for occasional glances at your own hee-hee. It's not that it's gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), it's just that people don't like to be objectified and feel like a piece of meat.
  • No talking on the phone. Is that call really so important that it can't wait 3 minutes until you've had a chance to wipe your ass? Besides, you're not fooling anyone - that person on the other end knows exactly from where you are calling.
  • No peeing in the sink (or garbage can) unless it's a college bar... or you're really, really drunk. Either exemption moves this normally taboo action from mildly horrifying to awesomely hilarious.
  • If going #1 and the flushing mechanism, sink, and/or towel dispenser are not automated you don't need to wash your hands. People may find this shocking, but think about it for a moment. I'm a pretty meticulously clean guy. I know where my junk has and has not been. I am not privy to such vital information about the thousands of other people using the same facilities. Seriously, what seems like the more sanitary option - momentarily touching my junk and nothing (absolutely nothing) else or momentarily touching my junk and then touching three to four other bacteria laden objects that thousands of other hands that have handled thousands of other pieces of junk have touched? You are required to wash vigorously post deuce.
  • If you are required to flush, wait until after you've put the goods away. I always see guys at the urinal who flush mid-pee. What's the point of this? Not only are you transmitting whatever bacteria have taken residence on the handle onto your junk, but all that splashing from the flushing action is misting all over you. Frankly, this repulses me.
  • This last one is more of a tip. If you're at a big event and there's a large queue for the john, always take the line with the most teenage boys or middle aged men that look like dads. These two demographics are most likely not drinking, either due to age or driving restrictions. Avoid lines with little kids, drunk guys, and old men as all three will have difficulty in preparation and their duration is usually in question. If you fall into one of these latter three demographics, you're fucked, and I hope you're wearing a diaper...
So there you have it. Some simple rules to live by. Not only will you be a more polite restroom denizen, but they'll all help you enjoy a more pleasant restroom experience.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I Certainly Hope I Didn't Just Jinx Us


So I finally broke down and bought a US Soccer Men's National Team jersey. This comes hot on the heels of the team falling to Morocco 1-0 last night. By the way, were you aware that the abbreviation for Morocco is 'MAR' and not 'MOR'? Neither was I. Fortunately, JP Dellacamra reminded everyone about 47 times during last night's game; otherwise, I would've continued under my previous, and quite erroneous, assumption that the US was playing a warm-up match against the month of March.

Has this purchase doomed the US MNT?


Anyways, this is the first time I have ever ventured into jersey territory. I'm a die-hard Notre Dame, Cincinnati Reds, and Cincinnati Bengals fan and although I've dabbled in the t-shirt arena for some time I've never purchased, nor even claimed ownership of, an actual jersey for any of those teams. Yeah, so it's kinda blah, but as David Puddy famously said on Seinfeld, "You gotta support the team!"

So here's hoping that I haven't cursed the entire World Cup for the national team. But if I have, I can take solace in the fact that I'm not alone - the official US Soccer Store is sold out of practically every piece of men's apparel they claim to sell. So if you too want a jersey, you'd better head over to soccer.com soon!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Vernacular Has Come Full Circle


I've said it before and I'll say it again - the dumbening of America is well underway. At first I believed this was isolated to the younger generations who have been raised on the electronic teat of the internet, where information comes quickly and often inaccurately. But it appears this is now reaching farther.

For example, just today I read an article in the San Francisco Chronicle stating that Google will soon be offering "video ads" to customer web sites. Now, call me old-fashioned, but back in my day we used to call "video ads" commercials. Just because you're putting it on the internet doesn't take away from the fake that it's simply a commercial. Next thing you know they'll start calling cars "mechanical transportation devices". Looks like someone is flexing their Ivy League degree over at the San Francisco Chronicle.

A second, more awesome example came courtesy of the Indianapolis Star several weeks ago. Unfortunately, I was unable to dig up an electronic version of the article in question who's headline read - and I'm not joking - "Study Finds 1 in 3 US Residents is a Minority". Thanks for clearing that up for me, Indianapolis Star.

Monday, May 22, 2006

ESPN: Your Ship Has Sailed


This past weekend in DC was gorgeous - sunny, 75-degrees, and not a cloud in the sky. I spent both Saturday and Sunday morning and early afternoon doing some landscaping around the house. Each day I finished up, cleaned up, cracked a Miller Lite, and sat down to relax and pamper myself with some sports entertainment. That plan was ruined by ESPN and ABC.

I'm watching a track & field meet. It's the bell lap of the men's mile and about 5 guys are in contention. But instead of seeing the end of the race, I'm given Chris Berman (and really, is the balding mullet and white sports jacket fooling anyone anymore?) who's taking me LIVE! to Oakland where Barry Bonds is attempting to break Babe Ruth's home run record of 714 that was already broken by Hank Aaron 30+ years ago. Bonds is intentionally walked, but I am still forced to watch all four mind-numbing pitches. Berman apologizes and returns me to track & field where I hear Dwight Stone say, "Wow! What a finish!". Awhile later the men's 100m is about to get underway when again I'm interrupted by Berman who, before taking me LIVE! to Oakland, promises to interrupt any and all programming to see each and every "historic" Bonds at-bat. Mercifully, Bonds singles the first pitch to right field and I don't miss the 100...

This is just one of the many problems that are currently afflicting the once mighty king of sports television. If I'm not being bombarded by some athlete "chasing" some record (or, as in the case of Bonds, an athlete/cheater/felon chasing a record that is in actuality not really a record at all - unless the record is "Most Home Runs by a Fat, Dead, White Baseball Player"), I'm force fed New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox baseball games until I develop a speech impediment that prohibits me from properly pronouncing vowels and the letter 'R'. Last I checked there were 30 teams in Major League Baseball, not 2. At this point I'd rather remove my own wisdom teeth with a set of plyers than have to watch another "crucial" Yankees-Red Sox game in April.

ESPN is becoming the MTV of sports. MTV was a great concept - music videos 24/7. Then they got a game show. Then they did the Real World. Now MTV shows videos from 3am-4am EST. The other 23 hours are spent showing crap. ESPN is now making movies (I think the aptly title "3" indicates the number of people that actually watched this awful show) and has gone so far to given Stephen A. Smith - not to be confused with Stephen L. Smith - his own talkshow. To make matters worse, I think probably 12 hours of programming every day is committed to poke.

Whatever happened to the old ESPN line-up of fishing and hunting shows, followed by 4 hours of SportsCenter, followed by Strong Man competitions, followed by a baseball game, followed by SportsCenter, followed by prime time sports? Isn't that the formula that made ESPN the greatest television channel ever? No matter how much or how loudly Stephen A. Smith yells at me and no matter what the odds of the "river" being a 7 of Spades, I'm done watching this crap.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Immigration Update!


Last evening President Bush made a television appearance to outline his 5-pronged solution to immigration issues that would also result in transforming Americans into a super race of cyborgs fueled by a combination of petroleum, burritos, and clown shoes. For those that missed it, I recap here for you now because I care:


  1. All Immigrants to be Distinguished by Wearing Funny Hats
    So that we may differentiate the enemy from ourselves, all illegal aliens must wear a funny hat indicative of their nation of origin. For example, all Mexicans (and by 'Mexicans' I mean anyone from Central and/or South America) will be required to wear sombreros, all Irish will be required to wear little, green, leprechaun top-hats, Germans must wear hard hats with beer attachments, Scandanavians must wear Minnesota Vikings football helmets, and the French, if they can lift their lazy hands, berets.
  2. Fire-Breathing Dragons to Enforce our Southern Borders
    If history has taught us anything, it's that immigrants hate and fear fire-breathing dragons. From the Romans to the Huns to the Incans to the Aztecs, nothing says "Please refrain from crossing our borders illegally" quite like fire-breathing dragons. Unfortunately, as we are all aware, the last fire-breathing dragon was struck dead in a horrific (and totally awesome) mid-air collision by a Boeing 757 over 9 years ago. So in lieu of actual fire-breathing dragons, rookie border patrolmen will dress in dragon costumes.
  3. Neoe Ationne, Neoe Oiceve
    True Americans will recognize this as "One Nation, One Voice". Since our national language of English has become so fractured (and so poorly spoken by those who actually consider it their 'primary' language), English will be replaced by pig latin. Scholars are already underway translating the Star-Spangled Banner and the Pledge of Allegiance and hope to complete this task by 2017.
  4. National Amnesty Day
    On July 4, 2006 (our Nation's 230th birthday) all illegal aliens are to gather at the El Paso,TX detention center where they will be given blanket amnesty and citizenship. Dude, it's totally cool, I swear. And no, that isn't a fire-breathing dragon hiding behind that desk...
  5. Canada to be Annexed and Renamed "United States, II"
    Once this "merger" has been finalized (scheduled for September 3, 2006) all illegal aliens will be asked to kindly emigrate to our new, northern territory where they will receive all the maple syrup their freedom seeking hearts desire.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Sorry, the Princess is in Another Castle



Nintendo unveiled their next-generation gaming console this week at the annual E3 electronics and game convention. They chose a rather unconventional name, Wii, but I'm still interested. I haven't really played console video games since the Nintendo64, but I would consider the Wii for three(3) reasons:


  1. A new, innovative controller (called the nunchuk, as if that wasn't enough right there) is based on highly sensitive, embedded motion sensors. To play a baseball game swing the remote like a bat, to swing a golf club imitate the same motion. The nunchuk is supposedly smart enough to sense intensity of the movements, thus allowing a easy chip shot or a let-er-rip drive. It's also wireless so you don't have to worry about yanking the console to the floor in a fit of rage.
  2. The console will include a free online service that allows you to play the entire catalog of Nintendo games, from the GameCube to the N64 to SuperNES to the original NES. In addition, they'll also have a bunch of titles from the old Sega systems. Honestly, if you can't get excited about Super Mario Bros. 3, StarFox, and Sonic the Hedgehog I don't even want to know you.
  3. It's Nintendo! It's getting pretty ridiculous how cutthroat this business is with Sony's PlayStation and Microsoft's XBox. Frankly, I'm rooting for the underdog to knock them both on their asses. Plus, the Wii is what it is - a game console. It is not a complete home entertainment center and as such it will not cost $400-$500, which is kind of refreshing.


The Wii is expected sometime in 2006. I'd definitely wait to see how great and responsive the nunchuck controller actually is, but if reviews come back good who am I to say no to Zelda...

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Ahhh, Google


I would like to take a moment to say "Thank You" to the newly released Google Trends for allowing me to give a big "Suck It!" to religious zealots the world over.

In case you are not aware, Google Trends allows users to view search trends based on geography and language. Using this new tool I did a simple test on the most searched-for term on the internet - sex. The results can be viewed in the screen caps below.

Sex Results - World


Sex Results - United States


As you can clearly see, when including the entire world the result list was dominated by Middle Eastern countries... and Poland. When limiting the search to just the United States you have you typical sex-depraved cities of Elmhurst, IL, Oklahoma City, OK, Pleasanton, CA and Meriden, CT, but also Salt Lake City manages to wrap up a ranking of eighth.

We can obviously disregard Poland's surprising entry as they were likely to be either looking up a definition of sex or some sort of instruction manual for how it is done. However, I find the Middle Eastern and Salt Lake City representations interesting. Two regions that are mostly well-known for being the seats of religions which infamously disrespect women also seem to be some of the biggest sexual perverts. Two regions that constantly bash most of the world for being seduced and corrupted by western (American) culture seem to be guilty as well. Can you say hypocrite? Looks like someone's been calling the kettle black...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Greatest Team Ever?



Ian's tribute to my birthday made me realize a couple things. First, all my brothers' stories date back to before high school. There is a serious lack of good Ted stories after this. I think my friends in high school and college are dropping the ball, because plenty of ammo is available. Second, Mrs. T's Pierogies may be one of the all-time great teams in sports history. Why do I say this? Let me count the ways.

Dad was the coach. Dad listened to Ted and Ian, so we got to help run the team. Dad also was the enforcer. Anyone challenging his authority was quickly put down. The Wilson family was a bunch of loudmouths who challenged Dad's decision to bench Rocky frequently. That dude was a burnout at age 13! He deserved to sit, and they couldn't argue with the results. This also was the origin of the lawnchair. Dad standing up = raging lunatic. Dad sitting in a lawn chair = Michael Corleon pulling the strings.

Launching pad for Heffernan soccer greatness. Ted led the way by rolling through the MSA season. This led to a White River State Championship and four year starting status in high school. Immortality eluded Ted by a combination of factors: moving away the city he had conquered, knee and ankle injuries, the drive to also be valedictorian, and of course not being allowed to kick his PK barefoot against Summit. Ian's lifelong fascination with goalkeeper was born. He also made a White River appearance before ascending to greatness at McNick. Again, immortality eludes Ian as a devestating 1st round upset ends his senior year. Colin and Kevin were only ballboys for Mrs. T's, but they learned from their elders well. Perhaps they should have paid closer attention to Dad's lawn chair concept.

Jerry Gorka, Jeff Berbitsky, Vinh Le and a cast of misfits. Come on, with this group of guys, it appeared we had no chance. However, everyone knew their roles well and played them to perfection. Vinh was an out of control speed demon in the backfield. Frick was a great defender and Chris was a bruiser. Steve Cox was a great midfield compliment, and Jim Cressy was a scoring machine. Tim Gray was a dominating keeper, and even fought through a broken arm in the title match. Berbitsky was a nice balance up front scoring some key goals. And of course Jerry Gorka. CHALLENGE HIM, CHALLENGE HIM, CHALLENGE HIM JERRY! His trip during the championship is classic!

That was a great team. If anyone doubts it, I still have the championship game on VHS. We completely demoralized Auten Road Marathon. Here's a few stats and results to take you back. Compiled on Lotus 123 in 1989 during that dream season.


Monday, May 08, 2006

Ted the Elder




Yesterday, May 7, our eldest brother turned 31. Some say that life is over once you hit 30. I say nay, life isn't over until you hit 31. Luckily for Ted, he has accomplished much in his 31 years. Here is a small sampling...

First Bodyslam at age 8: The victim was a full 4 years his senior, but made the mistake of angering Ted by hitting him across the back with an umbrella whilst walking home from school. Also the first appearance of the underbite, angry jaw thrust which would install terror upon the Heffernan boys for years to come. Ted would go on to bodyslam 1429 victims before getting married, at which point the bodyslammings mysteriously stopped and were replaced by hugs.

Hero: When we were little, I pushed our younger brother Kevin down/off the stairs and he broke his arm. A few weeks later, while in a full arm cast, Kevin accidently fell into our swimming pool. Ted, forsaking himself, immediately jumped in and pulled Kevin to safety. He then proceeded to bodyslam Kevin on the pool deck for his stupidity and for making him get his sweet MacGregor sneakers wet.

Only Player in MSL to ever receive a perfect '10' rating: Before every season, MSL (Michiana Soccer League) would give every player in the league a rating from 1 to 10 based on past performance in order to assure no teams were stacked. Ted was the only one to ever receive a perfect '10'. That team, Mrs. T's Pierogies, went on to win the city championship (the first from the southside of South Bend to ever achieve such a feat in league history) behind 2 Ted goals in the championship game.

Nuclear Scientist: In between graduating from the University of Notre Dame and attending medical school, Ted took some time off to get a Masters Degree in nuclear engineering, or some other such ridiculously difficult field. The work he did post-grad at a nuclear plant in Dayton was classified, but I believe it had something to do with creating the perfect home A/V setup by powering everyday Sony stereo equipment with weapons-grade plutonium.

Doctor of Radiology: Obviously, nuclear engineering was not challenging enough for Ted so he went to medical school to specialize in arguably one of the most difficult and competitive fields - radiology. He now is responsible for looking at 2-3 X-rays per day in between posting on this blog and playing golf.

Fantasy Baseball/Football Champion 4 Years in a Row: Our fantasy baseball league had to be disbanded because Ted was an utter juggernaut. He had the savvy and eye for talent of a shorter Billy Beane and the ruthlessness of less mustachioed Stalin. He took no prisoners and settled for nothing less than first place, until I dethroned him in football 2 years ago that is. As punishment for such insolence, Ted FedEx-ed me a severed horse head with a note stapled to it and written in pig's blood that simply read, "You"...

Creator of Life: No joke, Ted created a living, breathing human being! I know what you're thinking, "You, sir, are a fucking liar." But it is the truth. This little miracle turns 1 in nary 2 weeks time and from what I hear is already making father proud by bodyslamming stuffed animals and household pets.

Bodyslammer, hero, soccer star, scientist, doctor, fantasy maestro, maker of human beings - Ted has accomplished more in 31 short years than most will accomplish in 38-40 years. Further, by the time he reaches the ripe, old age of 40 I am absolutely positive he will have done what it takes the average human 47-49 years to achieve. Because that is Ted - approximately 17% better and more efficient than the rest of us.

Happy (belated) Birthday, Ted!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Red October


I'm starting to feel it (which probably means its almost over). Maybe I'm just buying into the hype. The Reds are on a serious roll. They just closed out their best April EVER. How do they break in May? By going 4-1 against the Cards and Astros. We currently sit at 20-9 on top of the toughest division in baseball.

Our formula for success is simple. We always score a lot of runs. However, we have finally realized that Freel is awesome and needs to play every day - a perfect leadoff hitter. Also, Kearns is finally realizing his potential. Additionally, finding a new legit hitter in Phillips has been a godsend, especially with Griffey's annual injury coming in the first week this year.

However, the real key has been our starting pitching. Did I just type that? Yep. I said at the beginning of the season (on this blog) that if we had 2 starters pile up 200 innings and get 15 wins, we would be in it in September. Well, I give you Aaron Harang (5-1) and Bronson Arroyo (5-0). These guys are lights out right now. Harang just struck out 12 in Colorado last night. Arroyo has an ERA of 2.06. Milton is hurt, Wilson is in rehab, Williams has been improving, as has Claussen. Weathers has been servicable, and this Coffey guy has been amazing.

We always jump on ESPN for screwing us over, and rightfully so. However, the ultimate bandwagon network has now changed it's tune. Check out the recent MLB Power Rankings. We have now reached #4 jumping up from #24 when the season started. In addition, Kruk recently declared the Reds contenders on Baseball Tonight, and all agreed that we would be in the hunt this October. The only thing missing is Eric Davis as bench coach!

I'm getting so drunk this July when we play the Rockies at Colin's bachelor party!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Fun With Lost


I'm a Lost junkie. I'll admit it. So when they showed a 30sec commercial during last night's episode for the mythical Hanso Foundation, complete with a 1-800 phone number, I was all over it. Here's how it goes down:


  1. Initially the phone number didn't work, so when I got in to work this morning I checked out thehansofoundation.org. It had been completely overhauled.
  2. There are some informational pages that ask for passwords and logins and what-not, but none of them seem to work. Most intriguing is if you go the the 'Newsletter' section and try to signup. It breaks out into some freaky shit and asks for a password.
  3. When I tried initially entering a password, it told me to call the phone number from the tv ad section. Unfortunately the phone number from last night's commercial, 1-877-HANSORG, was not in the tv ad on the website. But since I remembered it from last night, I gave it a call.
  4. After a few busy signals I got through to some voice mailboxes for the Hanso executives. I didn't get any information I thought was useful, so I moved on to more desperate measures.
  5. Using my mad computer skilz, I determined the password for the newsletter section to be "breakingstrain".
  6. After that I get a message from 'Persephone' at the Dharma Initiative. Nothing informational, just tripe.
  7. After that I get a full screen movie of Hanso's prized 105 year-old chimp, Joop, looking - how to put this - not very Any-Which-Way-But-Loose-esque.
  8. If I try to login again, I get a message stating "Welcome Back! No new messages"


I don't think any of the other site logins currently work, because I always get a generic "timeout" message (plus, I have other ways of being pretty sure they don't work). So this appears to be it for now. I guess I'll check back on a semi-regular basis to see if there are any new messages.

So not only is Lost a great show, but they put together really cool shit like this outside to keep folks interested. Pretty sweet...

It's About Time


I just read that this September Lucasfilm, Ltd. will finally be releasing the original, theatrical versions of the classic Star Wars trilogy on DVD.

For a long time George Lucas had sworn that he would never do such a thing, stating nonsensical crap about the 2004 versions being the movies he always wanted to make, but never could. This, naturally, pissed off many a Star Wars fan (including yours truly) to no end.

The releases will be individually packaged, 2-disc sets containing the original, theatrical version as well as the shitty, 2004 "enhanced" version. They'll only be available for a limited time, September 12 - December 31, so I know 3 items that every Heffernan boy will have on his Christmas list.

Kind of makes me feel sorry for selling some schmuck the VHS versions for $200 a couple years ago. At that point everyone was fairly certain that the originals would never make it to DVD and this guy wanted an extra set to watch so that the tape wouldn't degrage on his other set. I don't know the more appropriate word for this guy - dork or sucker. Is "dorker" a word? How about "suckork"?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Did the Yankees Play the Red Sox Last Night?


It may be difficult to express via the information superhighway, but the title of this post smacks of sarcasm. Yes, the Yankees did play the Red Sox last night in Boston, and the Sox won 7-3. The game was aired nationally on ESPN Monday Night Baseball. I was not upset that this game was on national television, even though 2 of the best teams in all of baseball happened to be facing off, because the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry usually produces pretty exciting games. The game was actually pretty fun to watch, courtesy of Mr. Tim Wakefield, however after the game I was excited to watch Baseball Tonight in order to catch a quick glimpse of the Cincinnati - St. Louis game. However ESPN apparently had different plans. Instead of going straight to Baseball Tonight, they interviewed 2 Red Sox players after the game. After that they had an inning by inning summary of what happened in the game, the same game they just showed on national television. Next, they had the color man from the broadcast team that called the game give his analysis, of the game we just watched, and had an inning-by-inning summary of. Finally, to top it all off, every member of the Baseball Tonight crew gave their summary of the game, that we just watched. It was at this point that I began to think, well they must show highlights of the other games pretty soon, then ESPN decided to interview another Red Sox player.

Now I realize this was a big game between 2 big market teams. All I am asking is that ESPN tries to balance its baseball coverage to actually discuss the other teams that played. Yes, ESPN there are other teams besides the Yankees and Red Sox. If these teams don't make it to the World Series they actually DO still play the games.

I am getting sick and tired of ESPN becoming a media giant and losing touch with what they used to do so well; show highlights of games that I otherwise would not have been able to see. That's all I ask. Is that so hard?

Monday, May 01, 2006

Rare Body Expulsion Combinations Known to be Fatal


Our bodies, on occasion, have need to expel gases or chemical by-products or digested matter in order to remain healthy and in tip-top shape. In most cases these expulsions occur as individual, separate events. However, there are documented cases of these expulsions occurring simultaneously, causing great distress and sometimes even death to unfortunate souls. Here for you, the inquisitive reader, is a listing of bodily expulsions that can be potentially fatal when occurring simultaneously:

The Hicca-burp:
Occurs when a animal simultaneously hiccups and burps. Most commonly occurs in humans, dogs, brown bears (never black bears, oddly), pit vipers, and birds. The hicca-burp is rarely fatal in humans and other large mammals (except dolphins), but causes avians to instantly explode.

The Snough:
Eponymous of Sir Francis Snough, 4th Duke of Sandwich for his untimely demise. The snough occurs when one simultaneously sneezes and coughs. Oftentimes non-fatal, in rare instances (as was the case of Sir Francis) the snough causes one's larynx to explosively rupture. Unfortunately in the case of Sir Francis, his Adam's Apple rocketed across the dining table, striking the Duchess in the xiphoid process and instantly killing her as well.

The Snart:
Occurs when one simultaneously sneezes and farts. In most cases, the snart simply causes its unfortunate victim to defecate themselves; however, there are three(3) cases of snart-related deaths occurring in the Sudan that are still under investigation. Snarts, of course, cause instant death to fish who expel all their internal organs.

The Hivom:
Reported to have claimed the lives of Jimi Hendrix and Elvis Pressley, the hivom occurs when one simultaneously hiccups and vomits. The involuntary swallowing action of the hiccup counteracts with the explosive action of vomiting causing one to partially swallow their own vomit. Sometimes referred to as a "puke-burp" or "hicca-puke" by laymen.

The Vomoop
Proving fatal in 63% of occurrences, the vomoop occurs when one simultaneously vomits and defecates. Almost exclusively encountered by human males aged 18-23 the vomoop, if not fatal, is said to equal 10 successive groin punches in terms of sheer pain. It is also extremely messy as the victim often times awake covered in their own vomit and poo.