The Royal Heffernans


Quite possibly the best family ever

Friday, January 29, 2010

My Christmas Shopping Is Done!


You're all hoping I get you in the exchange next year, aren't you?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Davies Back for WC?


Amazingly, Charlie Davies - the USMNT player that was in a horrific car accident in DC last summer that left one dead and Davies will multiple broken bones - may actually be back in time to feature in this summer's World Cup in South Africa. A must read article here. If you don't believe me, here's an excerpt...
Today, Davies looks very much like he did before the accident. The swelling in his face that was so evident during his interview with ESPN last November has subsided, though a shorter haircut reveals the scar he has from ear to ear arcing over the top of his skull. That scar came after doctors peeled his face off down to his chin in order to repair the multiple fractures that left his facial bones a shattered mess.

Can you say holy f&*king s#%t!? If this guy is back and playing at the level he was before his injury, which is to say, better than any other attacking option the US has, it will be nothing short of a miracle. God Speed, Charlie!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Car (SUV) Shopping


So Teresa and I have finally started our search for the new Columbus Heffernan mobile. "Elaine", my 2004 Hyundai Elantra, is getting a little long in the teeth, and with Samantha, we just have too much stuff and need more space when traveling. I'm sad about this, as Elaine is paid off, and I like the cheaper insurance rates from a nice sedan. But I'm looking forward to a new car. I, like every male Heffernan, like buying things, and getting new toys.

So I've started doing some research on SUVs. Mini-vans entered the conversation for about 45 seconds, until Teresa flatly refused to drive one. Atta-girl! So SUVs it is. I want to buy an American SUV, because frankly it's typically the only car class that American car makers put our great vehicles. But the SUVs I was seeing were way too expensive, and the ones I could afford Teresa didn't like because they look too much like a truck. So I started of thinking I wanted either a Toyota Highlander or Honda Pilot. I want a third-row SUV, and Toyota and Honda make the best cars out there, so their SUVs must be pretty good.

I did a little research and found that not to be the case. Teresa mentioned a Buick Enclave and while it's a little more than we thought to spend at first, we could make it work. Then I heard about the new Chevy Traverse. It's built on the same frame as the Enclave and the GMC Acadia, but it's a little cheaper. It also was rated higher than the Acadia and just slightly lower than the Enclave. And the best thing of all is my salary will go to support a US company (doesn't happen very often anymore).

My future vehicle???

I'm not going out and buying today - heck I probably won't make a move until May at the earliest. But I can say that I'm happy that my first choices are all American-made vehicles. Now I just hope that Chevy still exists this summer...


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Too. Much. Video.


There is a problem with the internet today. Everything needs to be flashier, louder! More video! More Flash! It's getting really annoying.

Last night I was looking at CNET and I saw a story titled 'Best iPhone Apps'. I said to myself, "I have an iPhone. Let's check out their recommendations." But just before clicking the link, I read the actual text of the link - Watch the playlist. "Watch"... the "playlist". Watch... a list. That's right, CNET would prefer (not only prefer, but require, as there's no alternative text version of this story) I watch - at their annoyingly drawn out pace - something that would be infinitely more easy to read. I passed, because I can't stand CNET's smug on-air "talent".

It's the dumbening of America, folks. Why read a list of ten items when you can have someone else read it to you? Next up - bionic arms that will cut your food and feed you, because lifting your own arms two feet to supply yourself lifesaving sustenance is for suckers. Sometimes I hate technology...

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Primal Terror


Is it sad to admit that I'm deathly afraid of clowns? Let's put it this way, simply writing this post has my heart racing because of my innate fear of other humans dressed up in loose-fitting, colorful outfits, painted faces, and brilliant-colored hair. It's not natural, and, frankly, it's not funny. I don't know who can get any kind of enjoyment from watching these vile creatures caper around, jumping into my face and making unusual noises.

My therapist says I need to confront my fears, so I'm blogging about clowns. I think if I did anything more tangible I'd wet myself. I've put together a list of the scariest clowns I've ever seen for your enjoyment and my personal therapy:

#5: James van der Beek as Punchy the Clown (Final Draft)
I've never seen this movie, but was apparently told it was extremely scary. The clown is dead and comes back to life to kill all the people who ever laughed at him. Again, another reason why not to interact with a clown - they kill you if you laugh at them! That's definitely not funny.

#4: John Leguizamo as The Violator (Spawn)
A fat, murderous, spawn of of the devil disguised as a clown. Does anyone think there's a reason why the minions of Hell are all either disguised as politicians or clowns? Let's just says I think there's an infernal pact between Hell and clowns.

#3: Heather Ledger as the Joker (The Dark Knight)
Heath Ledger impersonates a clown. Heath Ledger dies. Coincidence? I think not. It's been scientifically proven that if you laugh at a clown you will die. I read it in The National Inquirer, so it has to be true.

#2: The Clown (Poltergeist)
Everyone remembers Steven Spielberg for such cute creatures as ET, Ewoks from Return of the Jedi, and Gizmo from Gremlins. But arguably his most famous creature, and certainly his most terrifying, is the Clown from Poltergeist. I still see that damn thing haunting my dreams. You know what else reminds me of the Clown is the "Colin" doll. I'm pretty sure I had a "Kevin" doll at one point, but it's uncanny resemblance to that damned Clown from Poltergeist is the reason there is no "Kevin" doll today.

#1: Tim Curry as Pennywise the clown (Stephen King's It)
Tim Curry is a very scary dude. He honed his terror-making skills as the Lord of Darkness in Legend and became the personification and mental image of the devil for an entire generation. He then perfected his ability to instill all-consuming fear as Pennywise. Curry completed what Spielberg began - destroying the fun and family friendly perception of clowns. Pennywise did everything a clown does: had a colorful outfit, honked horns, made jokes, and was generally jovial and fun - right up to the moment he ate your face and swallowed your soul. I remember watching It with mom one time and I asked if I could sit with her to watch it. I was 26.


In order to round out my therapy, here are some other scary images of clowns for your enjoyment. Feel free to scream, wet yourself, or never come back to the blog. I don't care, as long as you NEVER patronize a clown ever again, I feel I've done my job. Have a nice day!



I'm totally putting this picture above my bed so Sam never comes to sleep with us. Of course, I'll never sleep, either.



Is this funny? Who finds this guys cute?



What sick parents does this kid have? He is now destined to become the next Jeffrey Dahmer.

Tim Curry is the master of Hell.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Decision Made


Avatar. It's been talked about in reverential tones for years as James Cameron worked in top secret. The film reportedly cost in the neighborhood of $500m to make, with Cameron having to invent new technologies in order to meet his vision. So far it has made over $1b worldwide in ticket sales.

I remember reading a bunch of the original script on Aint It Cool years ago. I thought it was okay. As the release got closer and trailers started popping up, I was cautiously optimistic, but reserved my judgement. Then I heard about the paper-thin story line and cliched plot and told myself I wasn't going to see it. Then I heard Colin and Dad rave about the 3D over New Year's and almost went to go see it on the spot (Steph called me on this). But now after reading TMQ's take on Avatar I'm out. I've decided to make Avatar my Titanic - the biggest movie in the world, possibly of all-time, that I haven't and never will see.

It was a tough decision - probably helped by a comparison of Avatar to Pocahontas where a synopsis of Disney's Pocahontas was modified to literally only replace character names with those from Avatar and otherwise was spot on - but I think I can hold strong. As the CGI effects continue to get "better", I find myself firmly in the uncanny valley and less comfortable with whatever is putting them in front of me. Part of it is also that it just sounds dumb to me, awesome 3D effects or not.

Awww, who am I kidding - I just want to be the guy that says, "Never seen it" when everyone is going on and on about Avatar. If that isn't sound reasoning, I don't know what is...

Monday, January 04, 2010

Whawhat??? Willis Tower?


So I was reading an article about the newest tallest building in the world that just opened in Dubai. The Burj Khalifa tops out at 2717 ft. Check out some video to truly see the size of this monster. It is ridiculous!

As an aside, it compared it to the tallest building in America - the Willis Tower! What, did some city build a new skyscraper? Nope. They renamed the Sears Tower. When did this happen? Man, am I out of the loop for news. Also, how sad that the tallest building in America is now named after a British insurance broker.