Primal Terror

Is it sad to admit that I'm deathly afraid of clowns? Let's put it this way, simply writing this post has my heart racing because of my innate fear of other humans dressed up in loose-fitting, colorful outfits, painted faces, and brilliant-colored hair. It's not natural, and, frankly, it's not funny. I don't know who can get any kind of enjoyment from watching these vile creatures caper around, jumping into my face and making unusual noises.

My therapist says I need to confront my fears, so I'm blogging about clowns. I think if I did anything more tangible I'd wet myself. I've put together a list of the scariest clowns I've ever seen for your enjoyment and my personal therapy:

#5: James van der Beek as Punchy the Clown (Final Draft)
I've never seen this movie, but was apparently told it was extremely scary. The clown is dead and comes back to life to kill all the people who ever laughed at him. Again, another reason why not to interact with a clown - they kill you if you laugh at them! That's definitely not funny.

#4: John Leguizamo as The Violator (Spawn)
A fat, murderous, spawn of of the devil disguised as a clown. Does anyone think there's a reason why the minions of Hell are all either disguised as politicians or clowns? Let's just says I think there's an infernal pact between Hell and clowns.

#3: Heather Ledger as the Joker (The Dark Knight)
Heath Ledger impersonates a clown. Heath Ledger dies. Coincidence? I think not. It's been scientifically proven that if you laugh at a clown you will die. I read it in The National Inquirer, so it has to be true.

#2: The Clown (Poltergeist)
Everyone remembers Steven Spielberg for such cute creatures as ET, Ewoks from Return of the Jedi, and Gizmo from Gremlins. But arguably his most famous creature, and certainly his most terrifying, is the Clown from Poltergeist. I still see that damn thing haunting my dreams. You know what else reminds me of the Clown is the "Colin" doll. I'm pretty sure I had a "Kevin" doll at one point, but it's uncanny resemblance to that damned Clown from Poltergeist is the reason there is no "Kevin" doll today.

#1: Tim Curry as Pennywise the clown (Stephen King's It)
Tim Curry is a very scary dude. He honed his terror-making skills as the Lord of Darkness in Legend and became the personification and mental image of the devil for an entire generation. He then perfected his ability to instill all-consuming fear as Pennywise. Curry completed what Spielberg began - destroying the fun and family friendly perception of clowns. Pennywise did everything a clown does: had a colorful outfit, honked horns, made jokes, and was generally jovial and fun - right up to the moment he ate your face and swallowed your soul. I remember watching It with mom one time and I asked if I could sit with her to watch it. I was 26.

In order to round out my therapy, here are some other scary images of clowns for your enjoyment. Feel free to scream, wet yourself, or never come back to the blog. I don't care, as long as you NEVER patronize a clown ever again, I feel I've done my job. Have a nice day!

I'm totally putting this picture above my bed so Sam never comes to sleep with us. Of course, I'll never sleep, either.

Is this funny? Who finds this guys cute?

What sick parents does this kid have? He is now destined to become the next Jeffrey Dahmer.

Tim Curry is the master of Hell.