Immigration Update!

Last evening President Bush made a television appearance to outline his 5-pronged solution to immigration issues that would also result in transforming Americans into a super race of cyborgs fueled by a combination of petroleum, burritos, and clown shoes. For those that missed it, I recap here for you now because I care:

1. All Immigrants to be Distinguished by Wearing Funny Hats
   So that we may differentiate the enemy from ourselves, all illegal aliens must wear a funny hat indicative of their nation of origin. For example, all Mexicans (and by 'Mexicans' I mean anyone from Central and/or South America) will be required to wear sombreros, all Irish will be required to wear little, green, leprechaun top-hats, Germans must wear hard hats with beer attachments, Scandanavians must wear Minnesota Vikings football helmets, and the French, if they can lift their lazy hands, berets.
   
2. Fire-Breathing Dragons to Enforce our Southern Borders
   If history has taught us anything, it's that immigrants hate and fear fire-breathing dragons. From the Romans to the Huns to the Incans to the Aztecs, nothing says "Please refrain from crossing our borders illegally" quite like fire-breathing dragons. Unfortunately, as we are all aware, the last fire-breathing dragon was struck dead in a horrific (and totally awesome) mid-air collision by a Boeing 757 over 9 years ago. So in lieu of actual fire-breathing dragons, rookie border patrolmen will dress in dragon costumes.
   
3. Neoe Ationne, Neoe Oiceve
   True Americans will recognize this as "One Nation, One Voice". Since our national language of English has become so fractured (and so poorly spoken by those who actually consider it their 'primary' language), English will be replaced by pig latin. Scholars are already underway translating the Star-Spangled Banner and the Pledge of Allegiance and hope to complete this task by 2017.
   
4. National Amnesty Day
   On July 4, 2006 (our Nation's 230th birthday) all illegal aliens are to gather at the El Paso,TX detention center where they will be given blanket amnesty and citizenship. Dude, it's totally cool, I swear. And no, that isn't a fire-breathing dragon hiding behind that desk...
   
5. Canada to be Annexed and Renamed "United States, II"
   Once this "merger" has been finalized (scheduled for September 3, 2006) all illegal aliens will be asked to kindly emigrate to our new, northern territory where they will receive all the maple syrup their freedom seeking hearts desire.