Ted the Elder

Yesterday, May 7, our eldest brother turned 31. Some say that life is over once you hit 30. I say nay, life isn't over until you hit 31. Luckily for Ted, he has accomplished much in his 31 years. Here is a small sampling...

First Bodyslam at age 8: The victim was a full 4 years his senior, but made the mistake of angering Ted by hitting him across the back with an umbrella whilst walking home from school. Also the first appearance of the underbite, angry jaw thrust which would install terror upon the Heffernan boys for years to come. Ted would go on to bodyslam 1429 victims before getting married, at which point the bodyslammings mysteriously stopped and were replaced by hugs.

Hero: When we were little, I pushed our younger brother Kevin down/off the stairs and he broke his arm. A few weeks later, while in a full arm cast, Kevin accidently fell into our swimming pool. Ted, forsaking himself, immediately jumped in and pulled Kevin to safety. He then proceeded to bodyslam Kevin on the pool deck for his stupidity and for making him get his sweet MacGregor sneakers wet.

Only Player in MSL to ever receive a perfect '10' rating: Before every season, MSL (Michiana Soccer League) would give every player in the league a rating from 1 to 10 based on past performance in order to assure no teams were stacked. Ted was the only one to ever receive a perfect '10'. That team, Mrs. T's Pierogies, went on to win the city championship (the first from the southside of South Bend to ever achieve such a feat in league history) behind 2 Ted goals in the championship game.

Nuclear Scientist: In between graduating from the University of Notre Dame and attending medical school, Ted took some time off to get a Masters Degree in nuclear engineering, or some other such ridiculously difficult field. The work he did post-grad at a nuclear plant in Dayton was classified, but I believe it had something to do with creating the perfect home A/V setup by powering everyday Sony stereo equipment with weapons-grade plutonium.

Doctor of Radiology: Obviously, nuclear engineering was not challenging enough for Ted so he went to medical school to specialize in arguably one of the most difficult and competitive fields - radiology. He now is responsible for looking at 2-3 X-rays per day in between posting on this blog and playing golf.

Fantasy Baseball/Football Champion 4 Years in a Row: Our fantasy baseball league had to be disbanded because Ted was an utter juggernaut. He had the savvy and eye for talent of a shorter Billy Beane and the ruthlessness of less mustachioed Stalin. He took no prisoners and settled for nothing less than first place, until I dethroned him in football 2 years ago that is. As punishment for such insolence, Ted FedEx-ed me a severed horse head with a note stapled to it and written in pig's blood that simply read, "You"...

Creator of Life: No joke, Ted created a living, breathing human being! I know what you're thinking, "You, sir, are a fucking liar." But it is the truth. This little miracle turns 1 in nary 2 weeks time and from what I hear is already making father proud by bodyslamming stuffed animals and household pets.

Bodyslammer, hero, soccer star, scientist, doctor, fantasy maestro, maker of human beings - Ted has accomplished more in 31 short years than most will accomplish in 38-40 years. Further, by the time he reaches the ripe, old age of 40 I am absolutely positive he will have done what it takes the average human 47-49 years to achieve. Because that is Ted - approximately 17% better and more efficient than the rest of us.

Happy (belated) Birthday, Ted!