Conference Call Hell

So I'm sitting here on a work conference call that occurs once a quarter. Unfortunately, the call is mandatory and I'm still low on the totem pole and my managers would notice and berate me if I wasn't on the call. Meanwhile, thos same managers don't attend because they know how painful these update calls can be. But I digress.

In an effort to get better attendance on these calls, Ernst & Young TSRS (my division) decided to give prizes away to persons actually on the call. Sadly, they didn't just want to pull a name out of a hat and give it to someone, they wanted to make it "fun." They decided to use the "Deal or No Deal" format to award prizes. This idea, while promising on paper because a fiasco for several reasons:

1. Because it was a phone call, I couldn't see beatiful models holding suitcases filled with money.
2. Someone who wasn't on the call won a prize! The prizes were for call attendees; someone explain to me how this happened?
3. The Howie Mandel impersonator had the personality of a brick.
4. I didn't win anything.

Attendance for this call was high - attention paid to the speakers on the call was, understandably, low. I have been on conference calls at a lot of different places and companies, and it's always the same. The details are boring and at too high a level for someone in my position, and the efforts to keep people like me on the call and interested are corny and embarrassing, and actually drive more people away from the call.

Unidentified woman on a conference call.

I propose the following formula to increase conference call interest and attendance across the country:

1. Everyone who attends is given a $25 gift card to Best Buy, Barnes and Noble, or McDonalds (for technophiles, bibliophiles, and fat people, respectively).
2. Conference calls cannot last longer than 45 minutes.
3. At least 15 minutes of the call is devoted to talking about national or international sports.
4. Presenters must not try to be humorous during their section of the call (there is nothing funny and no way to find any amount of humor when talking about testing database servers for appropriate setups).

These simple suggestion should help alleviate many problems with conference calls while simulataneously increasing attendance and motivation. Take it from me, I'm an almost-MBA.