Monorail

In response to Ian's bleak outlook on the options available to all of us in light of increasing gas prices, I would like to present an option on behalf of our old friend Lyle Lanley...

Monorail
Monorail
Monorail
Monorail
MONORAIL!

Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?

MONORAIL!

I hear those things are awfully loud...
It glides as softly as a cloud.

Is there a chance the track could bend?
Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

What about us brain-dead slobs?
You'll be given cushy jobs.

Were you sent here by the devil?
No good sir, I'm on the level.

The ring came off my pudding can.
Take my pen knife, my good man.

I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

MONORAIL!

Petroleconomics

Gas prices have hit record highs as we approach the summer "driving season". Averages around the country hover around $3/gallon and, according to the media, if the prices continue to rise the Earth will suddenly, inexplicably explode.

I listened to a piece on NPR this morning about how some poor, small business owner was going to have to rethink having his 3/4-ton Silverado as his daily commuting vehicle. I'm supposed to feel sorry for this knucklehead? I've heard people say we must go hybrid or take public transportation. Here are some facts:

Hybrids:
Hybrids are the new rage. As such, customers usually pay a significant markup on the sticker price for these vehichles. Hybrids, on average, sell for a $5000-$6000 premium over their combustion engine counterparts. EPA mileage estimates for the Honda Civic Hybrid sedan are 49/51 compared to 30/38 for the standard Civic sedan. Even though EPA mileage estimates are wildly innaccurate for hybrids (EPA estimates are not based on actual miles driven, but instead on emissions! Given that hybrids naturally have fewer emissions due to the very nature of the vehicle it is only logical that their EPA estimates are erroneously high. Hybrid owners ofter complain of such after purchase and mileage estimates are more in the 33-35/37-39 range.), assuming a 13-gallon fuel tank and $3/gallon, a full hybrid tank would net you 637 city miles, or $0.06/mile, and the regular civic 390 city miles, or $0.10/mile. That's a net savings of $0.04/mile. Assuming you drive 400 miles/week (a high average), that works out to a savings of $832/year in gasoline costs. Given the premium you pay, you would need to own the vehicle for ~7 years to offset the price premium with your fuel savings. Futhermore, I would wager that about 40% of hybrid owners purchased their vehicles solely to use the HOV lanes for commuting with only 1 person in the car. I'm pretty sure I'd rather see 2 or 3 people in a regular Civic than 1 jackass is his hybrid, and I'm pretty sure it would be much more economical.

Public Transportation:
Homer Simpson once famously said, "Public transportation is for suckers." He may have been on to something there. When I took a job downtown 2 summers ago we crunched some numbers to determine whether we'd save money by taking the metro to work as opposed to driving. This assumed 1 fill-up per week and $200/month for parking when driving. Given that metro gouges you for an extra 30% to ride during rush hour (which, shockingly, is when we both leave for and from work), we determined that gasoline prices would have to reach ~$5.40/gallon before the metro became less costly. This doesn't even take into consideration the convenience factor, e.g. missed trains and/or buses, controlling your own schedule, etc... I figure these are worth at least another $1-$2/gallon. So maybe once gas hits $6/gallon, I'll rethink my current driving habits.

Here's the bottom line: America is spread out. Most cities don't have viable public transportation systems. People live in suburbs. Cars are a necessary tool in the American lifestyle. Yeah, gas prices are high, but hybrid alternatives are more expensive in the short- to mid-term and unproven in the long-term. Public transportation can be just as costly and is usually at a loss of convenience.

I think I'll just wait it out. Once all the damn hippies start buying hybrids, the demand on gas will lessen and I'll be a viking...

Television Characters I Would Like in Office Instead of Actual Politicians

If you've read this blog even sparingly since its inception, you are already well aware of my thorough disdain for politicians, the media, hobos, and rattlesnakes (in that order). As I attempt to escape from the reality that is my life through television, I've become increasingly aware that I would feel much more comfortable with some of these fictitious characters leading our country over their actual, office-holding dopplegangers. Here are those characters, with their appropriate office:

David Palmer (24), President of the United States of America: Was there any doubt? Unquestionably the best television president of all-time, with the potential to be the best real president of all-time. Intelligent (book), intelligent (sneaky), unemotional, able to make the tough decisions, over 6-ft tall.

Dr. Jack Shephard (Lost), Vice President (alternately, Surgeon General): Not quite president material (a bit too emotional), but smart, crafty, trustworthy, over 6-ft tall.

John Locke (Lost), Secretary of State: A bit too wacky and philosophical to hold any real office, but he's smart and saavy and can be engaging when necessary in a way that influences others in a positive manner. Plus, he has a lot of knives.

Jack Bauer (24), Secretary of Defense: Two Jacks are better than one, especially if both are over 6-ft tall.

Asst. D.A. Jack McCoy (Law & Order), Attorney General: If possible, I would have him amend the constitution such that only people named "Jack" were lawfully able to hold public office.

Joe Swanson (Family Guy), Director of FBI/CIA:Who says cripples, ahem, leg-challenged cannot lead meaningful, productive lives? Who? That guy over there? Consider him dead...

Gil Grissom (CSI), National Science Advisor: A fantastic logician and analytical mind. Bonus points for working with dead people which would put him at ease with the likes of Arlen Spector and Strom Thurmon.

Eric Cartman (South Park), Senator: There are way too many hippies and religious nutjobs holding political office. Eric Cartman would be a breath of fresh air.

Marge Simpson (The Simpsons), Congress: Just the right amount of humility and honest-to-goodness skepticism. Huge, blue, beehive haircut would give her clout as everyone knows Congressmen with larger hair are given more regard. Plus, it puts her over 6-ft tall.

Other options for Congress: Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Arthur Fonzarrelli (aka The Fonze or Fonzie), Michael Knight, Bo and/or Luke Duke, Matlock, Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith, Captain "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, Lieutenant Templeton "Face" Peck, Sergeant Bosco "B.A." Baracus, Gumby, Popeye, Morticia Addams

Young Reds win again!

So the Reds are hot right now - winners of their last 4. I watched the game on ESPN GameCast today during work, and watched both Tuesday night and Sunday's games on FSN and was pleased at the team's performance in their last games. Keeping in mind, the Nationals aren't the best team out there, but they aren't the worst either. The Reds have been beating up on the teams that they should beat - Marlins, Pirates, Nationals, Brewers, Cubs. They went 1-2 against the Cards, but then you can' expect them to sweep St. Louis.

The young talent on this team has really impressed me. Brandon Phillips (.360) was a HUGE pickup, Felipe Lopez (.294) has made most Reds fans say Barry who?, and the Ryan Freel (.274) is consistently on base and stealing a few (8 SB). Adam Dunn (.234) doesn't have the hottest bat, but his 22 walks gives him the highest on-base percentage (.419) on the team. And then there's Edwin Encarnivore (.279) , named for how he's eaten up the opposing pitching in April. 22 RBI's and 8 doubles has made him a force.

The Reds can always hit, that's never been in question. But with the addition of so-far stud Bronson Arroyo, even the loss of Eric Milton has gone mostly unnoticed. Arroyo and Harang are pitching deep into games, giving the bullpen lots of rest and making sure when they're needed there won't be any excuses of "overuse". Even a new guy from Triple-A, Ramirez, came up and pitch a 7-inning gem the other night. We've even converted 8-of-10 save opportunities.

Again, I say it's only April. There's a lot of time for the Reds to crash and burn. But there's a few differences this year. 1) The Reds pitching is getting them wins, not just the hitting. 2) Junior has taken his injury early this year, and the Reds continued to win even while he was gone. (Hopefully his injuries are done now) 3) The Reds are winning at home and away. 4) I want the Reds to do good.

I love the Reds and hope they contend this year and every year. But in staying with my realistic thinking, I believe the most I can hope for is a .500 finish and no firestorm sell-offs of talent. I see the core of a very good, very young team (Encarnacion, Lopez, Phillips, Dunn, Kearns, Junior, Arroyo, Harang) and I hope the new Reds owners see it too.

The Iceman Cometh

Sorry, I've been on vacation. So when I got home yesterday and heard high school junior Jimmy Clausen had verbally committed to Notre Dame I was ecstatic. But before I allowed myself to get too crazy and buy plane tickets for the next 5 years to the BCS title game locale, I remembered one haunting name...


Ron Powlus


Clausen is supposed to be the greatest thing since sliced bread and his brothers were all pretty decent college QBs. Over the past 2 years he's thrown 88 TDs to only 11 INTs while leading his team to a 27-0 record. But people forget Powlus's hype. He was supposedly the best high school quarterback ever! Some predicted he might win 3 Heisman's while at Notre Dame.

Weis is shaping up to be a pretty good college coach, is recruiting well, and has a strong history with QBs - Tom Brady, Brady Quinn (possibly premature). But Lou Holtz already had 1 national championship under his belt when Powlus arrived, perennial top-5 recruiting classes, and was no slouch with QBs himself - Tony Rice, Rick Mirer, Kevin McDougal.

All I'm saying is this - the kid's still in high school! It certainly bodes well, but let's not count our chickens before they've hatched. High school "prodigies" flame out more often than they live up to the hype. My guess: Clausen will be average, but his big name will allow Notre Dame to recruit the other stud athletes that will put them over the top.

World Cup Soup #3

The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.

Romeo wore Adidas...
and Juliet wore Puma!

Today's entry concerns the age-long feud between Adi and Rudi Dassler. Both were brothers growing up in Herzogenaurach, Germany in the 1920s. They worked at the family shoe factory as expert cobblers before WWII tore their country apart. Somewhere along theat road, they became bitter enemies. After the war, Adi founded Adidas and Rudi founded Puma.

Thus began one of the most bitter rivalries in the business world. Two global shoe companies on opposite sides of the river in the same small German town. The feud spawns many hilarious tales. Adidas families will not marry Puma families. Puma bars refuse drinks to those wearing Adidas. Local gangs fight for turf in their gear. The stories are endless.

Perhaps the biggest battle will be fought this summer as each company fights to kit the World Cup champion in their home country of Germany. Adidas seems to have the advantage with Germany, Argentina, France, Spain, Japan and Trinidad & Tobago. But Puma has the numbers supplying 12 nations as opposed to Adidas' 6. Sponsering Italy and the Czech Republic, Puma may not have a winner, but they do have all of the African teams locked up - an eye to the future. Personally, my money is on Nike supplying the champ. Of course, my heart is still with Adidas.

Safe Happens

Have you had a chance to see these new Volkswagen Jetta commercials?



Let me just say wow, these bad-boys are intense. There was a movie a few years back called Adaptation that had a scene similar to these commercials; a grotesque car accident that occurred out of nowhere. I don't know whether I should go and buy a Jetta, or just never drive again. Also, I love how they cut everyone off right before they finish saying, "Holy ....".

Further Evidence

Still The One

I was recently forwarded a picture that shook me to the core. Apparently, through some freek of nature I was formerly a member of 70's soft rock supergroup Orleans. How could this happen? I'm not sure. Perhaps I was drugged, forced to grow a long beard and transported through time before being brought back to the present with retrograde amnesia. I think that's the only possible explanation for this album cover!


Who is Orleans? Orleans is a 1970s soft rock band, best known today for such hits as "Dance With Me" and "Still The One". The band was founded in January 1972 in Ulster County, New York by Wells Kelly, John Hall, and me Ted Heffernan (aka Larry Hoppen). The band took their name "Orleans" because they needed a name for the band at a show and didn't know what else to use. The name has nothing to do with New Orleans, so history tells us. But is it a coincidence that I now live in New Orleans? The way I see it, after recently emerging through the time portal, all I could coherently think of was my city of origin. Presto – a band is named!

So look closely at this photo and ask yourself, "Does that guy on the left really look like Ted with a full beard?" I think you'll come to the same conclusion that I have. You might also ask yourself, "Are these guys naked?" The answer is NO, we had pants on! By the way, this album was nominated as one of the 10 worst album covers of all time. What did this site have to say about my former bands' album cover? Here you go:

If I ever ‘wake up into a dream’ where I am surrounded by a bunch of naked male hippies, it had better be the result of a toxic snakebite and/or a fever-induced coma. Again, I have to ask the obvious question; who decided that an album cover featuring hairy naked dudes would sell music? Especially when some of the guys look way too happy, while a couple are noticeably uncomfortable. They snapped the picture when the guy in the middle was saying, “Hey, Julian, we aren’t all like you and Viceroy. Where is your other hand? I need to see them both. That was the deal.” I have no idea what this music is like, but at least we know where boy bands came from.

Big Weekend for ND Football

The rumor mills are churning regarding a "major recruit" having a press conference tomorrow at the college football hall of fame in glorious South Bend, IN. All signs point to Mr. Jimmy Clausen committing to ND. What does this mean for ND? Well, put it this way, after Jimmy commits he is going to bring some of his friends as well, ie the best high schoolers in the nation. If you aren't excited you should be. Oh yes, it is also the annual Blue-Gold spring game. And lastly, I present to you, The Shirt 2006:

Television Apocalypse Is Upon Us

I heard this recent report and almost cried. When will the bastards stop!!! Philips has recently applied for a patent for its new technology that inserts a special tag into digital television. So what does this new tagging technology allow the TV and cable networks do? Well, it will allow stations to tag commercials and freeze your TV during those commercials. Seriously - you will not be able to change the channel during commercials! Even worse, it will prevent DVRs (TiVo) from fast-forwarding during commercials - even recorded shows!

Apparently, the TV format in Europe is already capable of accepting these new tags. US TVs are a little different, but they can easily be adapted. If this ever happens, I will cancel my cable subscription and use my TV as a movie screen exclusively. Bridget, this is your field. You have to make sure this patent never happens!

Tom Cruise is a Father... but still f$%#ing insane

They decided to name the girl Suri which, given all the other exotic (and by 'exotic' I mean 'certain to get them beaten savagely in 10 years') names other famous people have been giving their children lately and Cruise's penchant for insanity, seems downright normal by comparison.

However, try saying the girl's complete name... Yeah, you see it now? Suri Cruise... SuriCruise... Syracuse. Tom Cruise named his daughter after a formidable Big East basketball program. What a fucknut. Go Orange!

World Cup Soup #2

The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.

Today's item focuses on the "dramatic" unveiling of the Golden Ball. Adidas has sponsered the World Cup since 1970, providing a tournament ball every four years that celebrates the host nation in some way. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell Questra was supposed to celebrate when the USA hosted in 1994! This year, the official match ball is dubbed Teamgeist as an homage to the German hosts. Not bad. I liked the design and even ordered a mini version to give to Ava for her 1st birthday - her 1st soccer ball (insert awwwwwwww here).

The funny part is that Germany decided to make a special World Cup Final edition - the Golden Ball! It's official name is Teamgeist Berlin. Never before has the final match had such a unique ball. To unveil the top secret ball, there was a "bizarre ceremony" at the Brandenburg Gate in which Franz Beckenbauer unwrapped the ball surrounded by Greek warriers. Huh? Is it just me or does the rest of the world have a strange knack for making an event creepy or weird when they are seeking drama? Anyway, this ball will soon be for sale for $200 or so. Buy yours soon before they run out!

Sports Related Anger Study

As the baseball season opens, and the NFL draft approaches, I am constantly reminded of my loyalty for 2 specific sports franchises, the Cincinnati Reds and Notre Dame football. In particular, as I listen to the Reds win or lose, or see highlights of Reggie Bush or Matt Leinart run and pass against Notre Dame, my anger level waxes and wanes at alarming levels. In fact, I charted my anger level in relation to the performance of the teams in question:

As one can see from careful study of the charts seen above, my anger level normally hovers around the 1-2 mark. This captures my general disdain of Albert Pujols, USC, and people in general. However, after Cincinnati or ND suffers a defeat, my anger level immediately and significantly increases. The main difference between the two different sports is that in baseball games are played almost daily, therefore my anger level decreases rapidly correlating with my anticipation of another game. However, in regards to ND football, games are played on Saturdays, thus my anger level stays relatively high throughout the week. Interestingly, my anger level after a loss actually increases on the Friday and Saturday before the next game due to negative highlights and articles on the Internet constantly reminding me how painful the previous week's loss actually was.

What does this study reveal? I will, without question, die of major heart attack following a loss of one of these two sports teams. After careful scientific analysis I have come to this conclusion, and will prepare for the inevitable.

The Gospel of Judas

In case you have not heard, a new gospel has been uncovered that paints the disciple Judas, the one who handed Jesus over to the Romans, in a much more favorable light. According to this new gospel, Judas did not turn Jesus over because of greed, avarice, or jealousy, but because Jesus asked him to do so in order to fulfill his mission on earth. So instead of the familiar betrayal story Christians have believed for millennia, Judas could have been following a very difficult mission, one of which Jesus deemed the other disciples incapable.

Frankly, I think the implications of this new gospel are both staggering and obvious. For almost ten years now my buddy Shane has donned the nickname 'Judas' because of his propensity to advocate the phrase 'bros before hos' but then ditch the 'bros' in favor of the 'hos' if even the slightest odds of scoring were apparent. If the account of Judas in this new gospel is true, then I need to find a new nickname for Shane, and 'Judas' has been such a good nickname for so long I'm somewhat at a loss. Maybe something like 'Benedict Arnold', but that just seems unwieldy. 'Benny'? Jesus Christ on a cross, this thing is rocking my world...

The Reds New Uniforms

Check out the replica navy blue caps that the Reds wore throughout the 30's - 50's. Per Ian and uniwatch they are bringing back navy as an alternate color after this season.



I think I may have to get one and beat the bandwagon crowd. Buy here.

The Cincinnati Reds Will Be RED Again

Yeah, so I read the Uni Watch on ESPN's Page2, sue me. Anyway, this week they actually had some great news:

Two weeks ago Uni Watch saluted the Royals for ditching all their ill-advised black trim and urged the Mets and Reds to do likewise. That prompted this dispatch from a reputable Reds source who prefers to remain anonymous: "The Reds' new ownership group is ready to dump black as one of the team's colors as soon as the 2006 season is over. If they didn't have so much black and red merchandise, they would have made the switch for this year. The best part? Navy blue is going to be the new third color, like in the days of old."

Hell yeah, baby! I've been against those damn black uniforms (not only for the Reds, but for ND, Duke, and all the other black uni bandwagoneers) for years. It's about damn time.

You Magnificent Bastards!

So Part II of South Park's 'Cartoon Wars' aired last night on Comedy Central. The catch, the whole thing had nothing to do with Family Guy but rather censorship. Trey and Matt are fucking geniuses. They get everyone all hot and bothered over Family Guy and choosing cartoon sides (this blog was no exception) and then sucker punch us with the real issue.

So the question at hand is this: did Comedy Central actually censor the cartoon Mohammed?

I can see it both ways...
1) CC was okay with the image, but Trey and Matt still showed the black text in order to make a point about censorship after having their Trapped in the Closet and Mary Bleeding from the Ass episodes pulled after protests from Scientologists and Christians, respectively.
2) CC pussed out and Trey and Matt concocted an elaborate 2-part episode as a big, "Fuck You!" to the directors.

Either way, I've said it before and I'll say it again, South Park rules...

New NRA Spokesman

Ian's recent post about his drive to work forced me to post my experience today while dropping Ava off at daycare. I'm on vacation, so I wasn't actually driving to work! Anyway, I have to read and learn way too much in medicine, so when I drive, I listen to ESPN Radio, no NPR for me. Mike and Mike are hilarious.

Today, they played an audio clip that I swore was fake. It was about a DEA cop who was giving a lecture to kids in school about not using drugs. He was very proud of the fact that he was "the only one in the room who can use a Glock." Of course you are, they are all 10 years old! Anyway, the video is awesome as he proceeds to shoot himself in the foot with his "unloaded" Glock. I'm not sure which part is funnier, the fact that he limped on (and I mean limped) and switched his lecture focus to gun safety, or that when he tried to show another gun, the kids gasped, "NOOOOOO!!!"

It was a real video, and of course it is circulating on the internet. The cop is suing everybody to get it pulled - but not yet! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you DEA Cop.

Damn Hippies

UPDATE: Here's a link to an outstanding article by a professor at MIT criticizing the global warming alarmism -> Critique of Scientific Alarmists

UPDATE 2: If you have not read State of Fear by Michael Crichton, do so immediately.

There were back-to-back stories on NPR this morning as I was driving into work that I thought were rather ironic.

The first was about California making greenhouse gas 'target' levels into laws. Everyone interviewed said this had to be done for the sake of the environment and future generations, well, everyone except the companies responsible for creating the greenhouses gases, that is.

The second was about sea lions on the Pacific coast that were wreaking havoc with the salmon and sturgeon business. You see, sea lions had become a protected species in the late '70s and now that their populations have returned to normal levels they're hungry. And guess what sea lions normally eat? That's right, fish! So now folks were planning to start sea lion 'management' programs, i.e. hunting and killing, in order to protect the fishing industries.

If you don't see the irony, I'll spell it out for you. The greenhouse piece was about hippies facing what they considered to be a terrible, current environmental problem in the present. The sea lions piece was about hippies that had faced and dealt with what they considered to be a terrible, current (in the late '70s) environmental problem and how that had come back to bite them in the ass and will lead to the same end result that got them here in the first place.

My point? Hippies are morons and should not be able to make decisions that affect people outside their hippie communes. Seriously though, people always seem to think we know what's best for the environment and that without our intervention the whole world will go to shit. Guess what? The Earth has been around a lot longer that humans have and will be around a lot longer after we're gone. We don't really have a solid grasp of the long-term repercussions of our environmental initiatives and "protection" policies. And even though we may have policies in the United States, they don't elsewhere. You think some Chinese farmer gives a shit about greenhouse gases when he's driving a car and has his own television for the first time in his life? America wouldn't be the prosperous, powerful country it is today if we hadn't screwed the environment for the past 100+ years. And now that we've "learned" the folly of our ways we try to force restrictions on other countries in the name of saving the environment and are aghast when they give us a big "F#$% you!" and take the money instead.

Bottom line: "saving" the environment won't make a squat of difference for our kids, for their kids, for their kids or for their kids. When it may make a difference is 1000 or so years from now and frankly, I couldn't care less about people 1000 years in the future. What it will do is cost a buttload of money now and drive prosperous business and industry out of the United States and into countries that are more realistic about their living conditions today.

Oh, and the Reds won 9-2 yesterday. Six(6)! home runs including a grand slam and another by Arroyo. Arroyo is currently on pace for 62 home runs this season. Suck it, Cubs...

Cartoon Wars

I laughed out loud when this week's South Park synopsis showed up on my TiVo guide: Cartman and Kyle are at war over the popular cartoon, "Family Guy." Kyle loves "Family Guy" and hates Cartman. The two boys embark upon a mad chase across the country and the fate of "Family Guy" lies with the first boy to reach Hollywood.

Classic! Not only did I wonder which show would prevail, I wondered how our family would ally themselves in this all-out war for satirical cartoon supremecy. Ian has already declared his man love for South Park numerous times, including a blog post below. Colin seems like a devoted Family Guy fan. But we'll see how everyone stands up to be counted. To help those in this tough decision, here are some brief show descriptions, straight from TV Guide.

South Park
An animated adult series about four potty-mouthed, trash-talking grade schoolers living in a Colorado town. Rude, crude and seriously funny, it became an immediate hit after its Comedy Central debut in August 1997, inspiring some guest voice appearances by series fans (among them, George Clooney), a feature film and any number of weak cartoon imitations.



Premiered August 13, 1997
10 Seasons
1 Feature Film (Academy Award Nominee)
Never been cancelled
TV-MA

Family Guy
Nihilistic animated antics of the grousing Griffins, including dad Peter, who's stupid, lazy and nasty; mom Lois, who's none of the above; teenagers Meg and Chris; sassy baby Stewie, who's wise (and a wise guy) beyond his year; and family dog Brian, the smartest of the lot. Series creator Seth MacFarlane voices many of the regular characters, as well as a variety of guest characters. Fox canceled the show, then resurrected it in 2005 after it became a top-selling DVD.
Premiered January 31, 1999
4 Seasons
No Feature Films but DVD releases available
Cancelled once, but resurrected due to popular demand
TV-14

So who will win this war? Well, South Park has made it a two-part cliffhanger. We'll have to tune in next week to find out. Right now, everyone needs to stand up and be counted for their side. As far as I'm concerned, this one can only end one way:

The List

Have you ever been flipping through channels late on a Saturday night or on a lazy Sunday afternoon and stumbled across a movie and just stopped? It's usually not the best movie ever made; in fact, in some cases it may be one of the worst. But there's just something about it that renders you unable to turn the channel. I have a list of such movies, and a new one has just been added this weekend. Here it is:

• Road House (1989)
  This would fall into that 'worst' category mentioned above, but it is certainly entertaining. From Swayze meditating in a barn loft, to Locke's dad from 'Lost' running a dive bar, to an unusually hot Kelly Lynch, this movie has it all.
  
  Lasting Line: "No matter how big a man, you kick him in the knee... he'll fall."
  Alternate: "A polar bear fell on me."
  
• Red Dawn (1984)
  What can I say, there's just something about Swayze in the '80s. I usually turn this off after the first Wolverines ambush montage because it tends to get a little dusty in the house when Jed's carrying Matty through the town at the end. As a result of this movie, I always formulate possible escape plans whenever I enter a place I've never been before.
  
  Lasting Line: "Wolverines!"
  Alternate: "Avenge me, boys! Avenge me!"
  
• Escape from New York (1981)
  John Carpenter is a god. This may be a poorly acted and cheesy sci-fi movies, but it's a pretty cool concept. And Ernest Borgnine's turn as 'Cabbie' is outstanding.
  
  Lasting Line: "That's the Duke of New York. A-#1"
  Alternate: "David-14 is... AIR FORCE ONE!"
  
• The Thing (1982)
  This came hot on the heels of '81s Escape and Carpenter got a better budget. Kurt Russell is awesome as MacReady and the supporting cast is stellar. Whereas Escape was one of the cheesier sci-fi films, this is one of the best. When that dude's chest cavity opens up and bites off the guy's arms... classic.
  
  Lasting Line: "I don't know if any of you guys are one of those... things, but I know I'm not."
  
• Hoosiers (1986)
  No defense necessary. If you don't like this movie, you're a Russian or played for the 1952 South Bend Central team.
  
  Lasting Line: "I socked him a good one, didn't I coach?"
  Alternate: "Progress is... indoor plumbing."
  
• The Natural (1984)
  Again, no defense necessary. Just an awesome movie.
  
  Lasting Line: "... and when I walk down the street people will say, there goes Roy Hobbs, the best to ever play the game."
  Alternate: "I should've been a farmer."
  
• The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
  People really rag on Steven King sometimes for bad books to movies, but I think the good far outweigh the bad. Sure, there were Graveyard Shift and Needful Things, but there were also Misery, Stand By Me, Cujo, and Carrie. Shawshank is the best of the lot.
  
  Lasting Line: "Hope is a dangerous thing."
  Alternate: "I've been known to acquire things from time to time."
  

And that's the list. Anytime, any channel, and I'm on board. Some others that were close, but don't make the cut: The Goonies, Empire Strikes Back, Predator, and Clash of the Titans.

I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!

I remember watching this cartoon every Saturday morning. It was one of the best cartoons ever. Well, now it is awesomer and f^%$ing hilarious...

Banned Bookstore Basketball Names

For your enjoyment, a (somewhat hard to read) list of banned Bookstore Basketball team names from the past three year:

Censored List

I was rejected one year for 'Team Suck'. No innuendo implied, my team just sucked and I wanted people to know.

Colin and Kevin once made the coveted Top 10 list with the gem, 'Five Guys Who Know a Guy Who Pooped His Pants'. The beauty was, that guy wasn't even me!

Oh My God! Bird Flu!

I read an article today that said in January of this year alone almost $2billion has been spent to combat avian bird flu. Since 2003, 108 people have died from avian bird flu - that works out to about ~40 deaths/year. Scientists admit it's "hard for humans to catch... But it's clearly going to happen and the only way you can prepare is to build your houses with structure".

Ah, nothing like unfounded conjecture and posturing to induce mass hysteria and make a story. Why don't we start preparing for when the Sun explodes or for when belligerent aliens try to take over our planet instead? That may be money better spent.

For references, some other death tolls¹ to consider before calling avian bird flu a 'pandemic':

Commercial Airline: ~169 deaths/year or 1 in 1,568,000
Lightning: ~62 deaths/year
Pig Attack: ~40 deaths/year
Shark Attack: ~10 deaths/year
High School Football: ~6 deaths/year
Vending Machines: ~2 deaths/year
Hockey Puck: ~0.17 deaths/year
Ian Strangling Reporters and Scientists Who Jump to Unfounded Conclusions in Order to Cause Mass Hysteria: ~20 deaths/year (and rising)



¹ - All statistics from deathdata.org and apply to US/Canada only.

Nintendo record book

OK, so this was amazing when I saw it. Check it out. This video is of some guy beating SuperMario Brothers 3 in 11 minutes. No joke.

So when all of you tell your kids they are wasting their lives playing video games, remember this video clip. This kid has definitely wasted his life.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/smb3beat-r.html

Heffernan Homes

Some of you may have read the email about my grand plan for us to form Heffernan Inc. and purchase a vacation home that our family can use for years to come. It may seem hard to take a simple idea like that and make it a reality, but to help, check out this link HGTV Dream Home 2006. It is almost ideal. Perfect design, awesome location in Lake Lure, NC and plenty of nature and woods around. The only change I would make is to put it on the lake with a dock. Just an idea to get the ball rolling. Another past dream home was in St. Mary's, GA. This one may be even better although you can see I'm a little partial to the woods. 5 or 6 years and we need to get this rolling!

Before we look too far into the future, I wanted to take the time to revisit the past. Never forget your roots. So here you have it... The official Heffernan Home History, complete with current satellite imagery!

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802 15th Ave
Marlinton, WV 24954

Residence: 1974 to 1976

Notable Facts: Mom and Dad's first home. Ted was born here, and barely escaped West Virginia with his young life. Big surprise that Google only has regional satellite imagery!

Google Maps Image: Well, let's hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route.

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1823 13th St
Eureka, CA 95501

Residence: 1976 to 1977

Notable Facts: Ian lived in California for only a year, but he still wears his state pride on his sleeve. Cheap seafood, Ted's first memories, and a long way from family back east.

Google Maps Image: I prefer Map Quest.

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728 E Woodside St
South Bend, IN 46614

Residence: 1977 to 1985

Notable Facts: I think we may have stayed with Grandma and Grandpa for a while before moving in here (Blizzard of '77). Bridget is born. Mom and Dad decide 2 boys and 2 girls would be perfect so try again - and get twin boys, Colin and Kevin! Heffernan Family is complete - for now. The Beanys across the street teach Ted and Ian how to play sports - and swear. The Belchers next door always kept our balls when they went in their yard. Battles with the Slavinskas family (pool + rocks = angry Linus).

Google Maps Image: That's a good one too.

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10461 Edgerton Rd
North Royalton, OH 44133

Residence: 1985 to 1986

Notable Facts: Our year in Cleveland. A huge yard that backed onto the Rocky River, and of course Heffernan Wonder! If you follow the river on the map, you can see it with a little imagination! Site of the greatest Christmas ever - GI JOE christmas! Voltron was a good runner-up. Not friendly to cats. Oscar hit by a car and Rascal disappeared without a trace. I'm still betting on the cistern.

Google Maps Image: Google Maps is the best.

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546 E Altgeld St
South Bend, IN 46614

Residence: 1986 to 1990

Notable Facts: Heffernans take over the neighborhood for the first time. Empire includes all of Altgeld and Victoria streets and is funded by a paper route and lawn mowing. Anyone crossing us is sternly punished. Hoover and Policki are some of the unfortunate ones. Homebase for 2 of the 3 greatest Heffernan adventures - the Great Western Tour and Kevin's Solo Tour of DC.

Google Maps Image: True that.

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6914 Copperglow Ct
Cincinnati, OH 45244

Residence: 1990 to current

Notable Facts: Current Heffernan compound. Home for longer than all other homes combined. Still hanging on by a thread despite multiple recent flirtations with the realtor. Too many memories to count.

Google Maps Image: Double True!

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