Bathroom Etiquette

I was using the facilities at work today when two gentlemen entered. One headed into a stall while the other moved to a urinal. They were conversing as they entered and, much to my chagrin, this conversation continued even as both gentlemen proceeded to do their business. When urinal-man finished he said his goodbyes to stall-man and walked out. It reminded me of one of the IT techs at my old company who I would occasionally catch talking on the phone while offloading in a stall. Now, I'm not going to go so far as Isaac Asimov's future vision of absolute silence and zero eye-contact in restrooms, but I do feel a moderate amount of decorum should be expected and maintained. Here are some ground rules...

• Conversations should only be maintained if both parties are at the same type of plumbing apparatus. Same apparatus promotes a kind of brotherhood or kinship between respective parties. Both at urinals? Fine, yes, this has been an excellent game thus far. Both in stalls? That's okay too, and yes, those nachos are indeed spicy.
  
• If conversing at a urinal eyes should remain directly ahead (if there are no dividing walls), allowing for occasional glances at your own hee-hee. It's not that it's gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), it's just that people don't like to be objectified and feel like a piece of meat.
• No talking on the phone. Is that call really so important that it can't wait 3 minutes until you've had a chance to wipe your ass? Besides, you're not fooling anyone - that person on the other end knows exactly from where you are calling.
• No peeing in the sink (or garbage can) unless it's a college bar... or you're really, really drunk. Either exemption moves this normally taboo action from mildly horrifying to awesomely hilarious.
  
• If going #1 and the flushing mechanism, sink, and/or towel dispenser are not automated you don't need to wash your hands. People may find this shocking, but think about it for a moment. I'm a pretty meticulously clean guy. I know where my junk has and has not been. I am not privy to such vital information about the thousands of other people using the same facilities. Seriously, what seems like the more sanitary option - momentarily touching my junk and nothing (absolutely nothing) else or momentarily touching my junk and then touching three to four other bacteria laden objects that thousands of other hands that have handled thousands of other pieces of junk have touched? You are required to wash vigorously post deuce.
  
• If you are required to flush, wait until after you've put the goods away. I always see guys at the urinal who flush mid-pee. What's the point of this? Not only are you transmitting whatever bacteria have taken residence on the handle onto your junk, but all that splashing from the flushing action is misting all over you. Frankly, this repulses me.
• This last one is more of a tip. If you're at a big event and there's a large queue for the john, always take the line with the most teenage boys or middle aged men that look like dads. These two demographics are most likely not drinking, either due to age or driving restrictions. Avoid lines with little kids, drunk guys, and old men as all three will have difficulty in preparation and their duration is usually in question. If you fall into one of these latter three demographics, you're fucked, and I hope you're wearing a diaper...
  

So there you have it. Some simple rules to live by. Not only will you be a more polite restroom denizen, but they'll all help you enjoy a more pleasant restroom experience.