Liz and Colin are Cursed

Well Liz and I are going on a trip tomorrow, so everyone should
know what this entails: an equal combination of bad weather and terrible luck. Exhibit 1, our June trip to Disney World, the happiest place on earth. Many people will tell you that in Florida rain is always probable, but usually subsides in the late afternoon and evening and gives way to sunny skies. Well it didn't happen when we were there. It rained. All day and all night. It wasn't very magical.




Exhibit 2, our trip to beautiful San Diego in April. We arrived in the morning to overcast skies. I promptly informed Liz that the haze will burn away around noon, and sunny skies will prevail. Well, the sunny skies did not prevail. We took a taxi ride to the San Diego Zoo and our driver told us that it usually only truly rains in San Diego about 6 days a year. We were there for 3 days. It rained all 3 days. I took the liberty of checking the weather report the day we left. It was sunny and 72.


Please look to the right for an Exhibit of our Christmas trip to New Orleans in 2004. Don't see anything you say, that's because we didn't get there on Christmas as scheduled. According to Dr. Rodriquez it didn't snow in New Orleans for over 50 years on Christmas. Can you guess what happened next. I'll save you the suspense, Liz and Colin book flight to New Orleans. New Orleans has first major ice storm in recorded history. Colin and Liz sit in airport on Christmas day. It was awesome.


Our lack of luck when traveling extends beyond just poor weather,
we just have all around bad luck. For instance, lets look at our trip to Las Vegas during the spring of 2004. It was cold in Chicago so we were looking forward to basking in the heat of the desert by our pool at our hotel-casino. As soon as we checked in I asked what the pool hours were, and was informed that the pool was under construction for the week. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well I think what happens in Vegas sucks.


As stated in the beginning of this post Liz and I are going on a trip. Again we risk life and limb to travel to beautiful Southern California and Disney Land. Believe it or not it looks as though the weather might not cooperate. Looks like chilly temperatures and cloudy skies on the coast. But wait, warm weather awaits inland during our trip to Disney, right? Wrong. Again, cold and overcast. I did have hope when I learned that Ian and Steph were coming that the weather would be nice. Apparently they are the ying to our yang when it comes to travel weather. However, it looks like our yang is going to rain all over their ying.

Well, who knows what is going to happen. Maybe it will be sunny, warm, and gorgeous all weekend long. Wouldn't that be nice.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Liz and I are going to Hawaii for
our honeymoon. I am pretty sure the weather will be nice for that. At least that's what I am hoping for.

RIP Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant (Fresh scent)

After 15+ years of mutual friendship, this weekend I applied, for the last, time Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant Deodorant (Fresh scent). We had a good run together, what with me always smelling good and feeling confident going into anything from a final exam, to a first date, to a big meeting. I really thought that Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant Deodorant (Fresh scent) would be the only deodorant in my life.

Well, the relationship started to turn sour a few years back. I would notice unsightly "caking" on the under-arms of my favorite, most worn t-shirts. Next thing I knew I felt unsure of myself going to the office or a friend's house for dinner. I realized this may not be the storybook tale I had always assumed it would be.

It all ended on Christmas Eve 2005. I went to the store to pick up supplies for artichoke dip and next thing I know, I'm putting a stick of Old Spice High Endurance Deodorant (Original scent) into the basket. And you know what? I don't feel guilty. My confidence is back and Old Spice has that great theme song.

We had a good run, Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant Deodorant (Fresh scent). I will always love you...

The Reds Kick Ass

That's right, the Reds kick ass. That's all I have. Oh yeah, unicorns kick ass too.

Intelligent Design - Officially Debunked!

Anyone not reading the comments to the posts is missing half the fun of this site. I encourage more comments. On a similar note, I would like to nominate Chuck Norris as the patron action hero of our site. I'm sure Dad would argue that we are an Ah-nuld family, but Tom Rench's comments are rock solid. Finally, I think we should consider Tom as a Royal Heff cousin. His comments to the prior post were priceless and deserve a full post. I almost pissed my pants! Here you go...

Evolution is VERY TRUE and is scientifically proven. Exhibit A: Chuck Norris.

Here's some random Chuck Norris facts to chew on:

1)Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

2)According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

3)Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

4)Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5)As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

6)The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

7)Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

8)Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9)Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

10)If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Game. Set. Match.

Intelligent Design - God, We're Stupid

Intelligent Design (ID) v. Evolution. Why is this even an issue. Isn't there something in the Constitution or Bill of Rights about separation between church and state? Listen, I know that evolution is only a 150 year old theory, but theories are backed by scientific evidence and can be verified multiple times by independent research. I can't just create the 'Theory that Ian Heffernan is the coolest person in the world', however likely that may be. In order for that to be considered a theory we'd need to round up everyone in the world, measure their coolness factor (if such a thing was possible), and demonstrate that it was less than mine. And even then we would still need to test every newborn human to verify that my coolness factor was greater. Difficult, yes, but attainable. However, one couldn't even consider ID a hypothesis because it is impossible to prove or disprove. It is faith, which is by definition, a belief in something that cannot rest on logical proof or material evidence.

There are many differences between a scientific theory and faith, but one of them is that faith is not taught in the science classrooms of our public schools. I went to Catholic school for 16 years. In our religion classes we learned about the bible and all the world's religions (which have surprisingly similar creation stories if one were so inclined to do the research). In our science classes we learned about the theory of evolution. My teachers were smart enough to stress that evolution was still a theory, but they never even attempted to put ID in the same discussion or on the same plane as evolution. It was either evolution or we're really off track.

If private or parochial schools want to teach ID, I guess one can't complain. Afterall, people have a choice to not send their children to private schools. Public schools are another matter. Sometimes there is no choice to be made. ID has no place in public schools.

I'm not offended by the concept of ID as much as I am by people calling it an alternative to evolution. So what if my great¹⁰⁰⁰-grandfather was a chimp? That just explains why I like bananas, climbing trees, and throwing my poo so much. But of course I'd like to think that our lives are not random chance, that there was some spark to get this ball we call Earth rolling, but it's likely we'll never be able to prove that. What we can prove - and, more importantly, test - is evolution. And until that changes, evolution is not only the best choice for explaining how we came to be, it is the only choice.

The fact that this discussion must even be taken to the courts is an embarrassment. It's an embarrassment to me as a Christian, as a logician, and as an American. Those responsible for pushing this issue should be ashamed. Another example of the dumbening of American society...

Political Rant #1

So I was watching a rerun of the always excellent Colbert Report on Comedy Central last night in which he interviewed Katrina Vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation and staunch Democrat, when I came to a decision - I am apolitical.

I had a sneaking suspicion of this this past November during the Virginia gubernatorial elections. I was being bombarded with political messages on TV, radio, and in print. People kept asking me for whom I was going to vote. So I did the research and looked into the records and stances of the leading Democrat and Republican. Guess what? Their platforms were identical. They could've jumped party affiliations and it would have made no difference. Yet they visciously attacked one another in their ad campaigns. Personal attacks, not political. I made an informed decision not to vote. As I listened to Vanden Heuvel last night I realised that she had allowed her political convictions to skew her entire outlook on life. I would wager that if you told her simply that you are a registered Republican, and nothing more, she would hate you for that fact alone.

I guess I just don't understand how people can care so deeply about these trivial political matters. I guess I am a Republican in theory - in that I believe in a smaller government - but the association ends there. Did I vote for George Bush? Yes. Twice. Do I regret those votes? Almost everyday. Do I thank God that Al Gore and/or John Kerry is not president? Almost everyday. In today's political society is there really any difference? 99 out of 100 politicians are egomaniacs that just love to here themselves speak. They accomplish nothing. Every time a meaningful law is introduced that appears to be passable in the House, one million riders are attached that have nothing to do with the original and are simply tacked on for personal gain. The result is one of two outcomes: 1) the law passes with ridiculous stipulations attached like $5bil to build a bridge spanning Alaska and Siberia or 2) the law gets shot down. It's a joke. In reality they should just change the political parties to 'For' and 'Against' abortion, because, let's face it, that's really the only difference these days.

People try to make things so black and white, but that is never the case in real life. Reality is always found in the gray areas in between. Am I for or against abortion? As a lifelong Catholic and educated (or so I like to think) man, I truly believe that life begins at conception - you cannot quantify life. But ask me again, after I've just found out that my 13 year old daughter or my wife or my sister has been raped and is pregnant, and I would definitely feel differently. Am I for or against capital punishment? I think it's barbaric and has no place in civilized society. But I also don't think that a person convicted of murdering children deserves to live - his life is forfeit. Maybe that makes me spineless for not taking a stance, but I refuse to allow the media's oversimplification of the issues to alter my better judgement.

What it boils down to, unfortunately, is that our elected officials, by and large, don't care about us. They care about their power, about seeing themselves on television, about their own pride, and about their legacy. They take months off at a time then return to work and vote themselves a pay increase. They are interchangeable cogs in what has become a flawed and broken machine. They have gone from being servants of the people, representing our best interests, to rulers of the people, representing their own.

But it's not entirely the fault of the politicians. The media can share a large portion of the blame - what with their red states and blue states and their general dumbing of America with the tripe with which they polute our airwaves and print. And I guess you can't forget the American populace in general. Americans are increasingly stupid these days. They're more concerned with Jessica and Nick than the elections in Iraq.

I don't say this because I don't like America. Quite the contrary, I love America. I would die for our country. But here's the thing - and this is for everybody - this shit is not easy. A strong, functioning democracy takes a lot of work. You can't just coast on your laurels - and this is across the board. Politicians - I don't care what you did in the past or what your party has accomplished. You work for me! I write your paycheck! Quit dicking around with my money. Media - Quit trying to make everything so simple. Life is not simple. I know you may not be able to devote two pages to Paris Hilton if you spend extra time covering both sides of an issues, but so be it. You'll only hurting yourselves because, eventually, people will realize all your stuff sucks. People - Quit being so damn stupid. Turn off American Idol and read a book. Don't vote for someone because you like his or her hair or because you share the same religion. That's not an informed vote!

Ohio State - The Florida State of the Midwest

Today the NCAA released its inaugural Graduation Success Report, or GSR for short. According to the NCAA's web site:

"The GSR is a new NCAA measurement that improves the federally mandated graduation-rate by including transfer data in the calculation. It was developed in response to college and university presidents who wanted graduation data that more accurately reflect the mobility among students in today's higher education climate."

Translation: schools were excited because their graduation rates should theoretically rise under the newer guidelines.

I submit for your approval the GSR records for the football teams at three "football" schools - Florida State, Ohio State, and Notre Dame.

School	GSR	Fed Rate
Florida State	52%	46%
Ohio State	54%	49%
Notre Dame	96%	85%

As the data shows, Ohio State (the NCAA officially omits the leading 'The' for Ohio State University) just edges out Florida State. Meanwhile, Notre Dame's graduation rate is almost better than Ohio State's and Florida State's rates combined! Bravo, Ohio State administrators, your prize football team is an absolute embarrassment to the great state of Ohio and to college athletics in general (I don't feel the need to single out Florida because it's already an embarrassment in every way conceivable).

Notre Dame may just win the Fiesta Bowl by forfeit - I'm not sure the Ohio State football team could find Tempe, much less Arizona, on a map...

Ohio State is a Joke

As we all know, the Fiesta Bowl is fast approaching. Our esteemed opponent is none other than THE Ohio State University. What the hell is it with that whole THE thing anyway? It really annoys me, since Ohio University was actually founded first, in 1804. THE Ohio State University didn't come along until 1870. Come to think of it, a lot of things annoy me about THE Ohio State University. Here is my own Top Ten List of Reasons Why Ohio State is a Joke. I know Rench has been waiting for this post!

10. The Horseshoe is NOT a horseshoe
In case you didn't notice, tOSU put permenant seats in the south end zone. You don't see me calling Monster Park by its old names San Francisco Stadium at Candlestick Point, 3Com Park or Candlestick Park.

9. What's the deal with the damn nuts
I don't get it. Are they supposed to make you happy? Maybe they have some magical power to ward off evil spirits. Perhaps a token to ensure fertility. Obviously, if used improperly, things can go horribly wrong.

8. Unfrozen caveman linebacker
Look at that face! How can Brady Quinn's sister be going out with him? As in a related post below, I'm still wondering why he had $3000 cash just sitting in his apartment. Start the Sloth chant now: Baby Ruth, Baby Ruth, Baby Ruth!!!

7. Sweatervest is a lying cheat
This guy is the most two-faced lying figure in college football since... Well, Bobby Bowden is still around. Anyway, at least Bowden isn't a cheat! tOSU has been dodging scandal ever since Tressel arrived. Don't forget he left Youngstown State with a scandal as well.

6. Obnoxious Ohio State fans
These guys are just stupid. Ever get into an argument with someone really dumb? You know the feeling. You just can't win it, so don't even try.

5. The obsession with Michigan
The Michigan game is the Super Bowl for tOSU. Cooper wins 10 games a year but can't beat UM consistently, so he's out. The obsession really goes beyond rational thought. The funny thing is Michigan really doesn't care about it as much!

4. Maurice Clarett is a scumbag
This guy almost single handedly destroyed college football with his lawsuit against the NFL. That was right after he almost single handedly destroyed tOSU's football program proclaiming boosters gave him cash. That was right after his $50000 SUV got robbed of $20000 worth of goods. Good work with the Broncos this year!

3. Brutus the Buckeye wrote his own book
This mascot is just downright scary. Now that he has written a book, my only hope is that he never, ever utters a spoken word.

2. Woody Hayes likes to fight
Dec. 29, 1978. tOSU is up against Clemson in the Gator Bowl. Clemson picks off an OSU pass and Woody Hayes punches the player! He also punched his own player for trying to stop him. He is fired the next day. That's the greatest coach in Ohio State history.

1. The best damn copycats in the land
tOSU has a little tradition that the band performs at every game. They spell out Ohio in fancy script letters - creatively known as Script Ohio. So, I really love the origins of this tradition. The first Script Ohio (actual photo) was performed at Ohio Stadium in 1932 - by the Michigan marching band!!! AWESOME! The greatest tOSU tradition was started by it's biggest rival.

Show Me The Money!

I am sick and tired of all the stories about the "poor college athlete." Not a month goes by that I don't hear some story about Johnny Linebacker. Poor Johnny can't get a job because he has a scholarship. He is forced to eat mac and cheese, drive a broken down old car and cannot afford new clothes. The issue is whether college athletes should be paid. Of course, the undertone provided by the media is that the greedy NCAA money machine should share a piece of the pie with it's athletes. A recent series of events has really brought new perspective to this issue.

First up is A.J. Hawk, star linebacker for Ohio State, our upcoming opponent in the Fiesta Bowl. Of course, everyone by now has heard that he is dating Brady Quinn's sister. So how does this poor schlob get our QB's sister to go out with him? A recent incident in Columbus may shed some light on this issue. Hawk, center Nick Mangold and another roommate lost $3000 and other items worth thousands of dollars when their rented campus-area house was burglarized last month. The stolen items included two laptop computers worth $3500, DVD movies worth $1425, video games worth $750 and a $500 watch. Not to mention they had $3000 CASH sitting around! Must be tough to be a football player for the Bucks!

Next is a story about Section 8 housing. We all know it as "the projects." A recent law was passed closing a loophole by which college athletes qualified. You see, these poor athletes can't get jobs, so they have no money. Of course they qualified for Section 8. So why in heaven would they want to live in the projects? Because they still got paid a stipend for room and board by their university! I don't know what room and board costs these days, but when I went to school, it was upward of $12000. That's a nice little paycheck! You might ask, why is this so wrong? Well, when players from such schools as Virginia Tech and Nebraska applied for housing, local poor families were put out on the street! Good work guys.

Another good story revolves around college Bowl season. Remember when we were in school (ND) and the players came back after the Holidays sporting all their awesome Bowl gear? I used to be so jealous of the awesome sweatshirts, hats and gear with the Bowl logo on them. Well, the NCAA upped the ante. Bowls are now allowed to give $500 worth of gifts to each player. PSP, iPod and DVD players are now standard gifts. Wondering about the Fiesta Bowl gift package: Sony PSP, Bulova watch, commemorative football, Fiesta Bowl dart board and snack-filled duffel bag.

Finally, the main issue for me is that these athletes get a free education! Do you know what I would do to not have student loans? I still rememeber working at least 40 hours every week during the summer in college, sometimes 16 hour shifts. At the end of the summer, I would write Mom and Dad a big fat check for school. They then took that check and wrote an even bigger check to pay for the rest! These athletes have it made! Some of them get it, and take advantage of their opportunity. But if I have to listen to one more media talking head say that college athletes should be paid...

Heffernan Family Events - Vol. 2

The Heffernan Family is defined by its history together and apart. Well-known to us, but maybe not to everyone are the family members and all those other people, places, and events that serve to make up our own unique family identity. This post if an effort to detail the people and events that make us the Royal Heffernans.

Mom's Sunday Tirades

Sunday’s were a time of relative ease at the Royal Heffernan home. An early mass time, usually 7:30 or 8AM was the norm. It wasn’t unpleasant, and afterwards there would be breakfast at a nice restaurant or someone would cook the eggs, biscuits, and sausage patties at home. Then, depending on the time of year, it would be a leisurely morning of Dutch First division soccer, and a quick nap.
Well, those were the very rare Sundays. Usually, once mass was over (literally), mom would begin planning the chores and tasks. The car ride home from mass would be defined by the jobs laid out by mom for all of us to do. It wasn’t as if mom was really congenial about this; things were done her way, or the screaming began. Dusting, laundry, stripping beds, cleaning bathrooms, putting away clothes, and on and on. By 9:30AM, you would have thought you stepped into the workhouse of Oliver Twist. I really don’t recall a Sunday before I was 15 years old where mom wasn’t pissed off at one of us for something.
A lot of time it was Bridget and Colin who inspired the most violent responses from mom. Usually not Ted or Ian, as Ian always did his chores well, and Ted, well, we all learned not to yell at Ted. And even though Bridget and Colin inspired the ire of mom, they were so damn good at disappearing that it usually fell on Ian and I. To this day Ian and I are the “best cleaners” of mom’s children. I don’t know if that’s a good title or not, but man can I clean a bathroom!
Mom’s tirades were fact for nearly 15 years, but have since moved more into the realm of legend and memory. It’s tough to image mom, sweet Mrs. Heffernan, the leading lady of the Royal Heffernans as anything but a kind, loving, compassionate woman. Six days of the week you’d be right. But there was always Sunday. And mom just wasn’t the same on Sunday.

Heffernan Family Events - Vol. 1

The Heffernan Family is defined by its history together and apart. Well-known to us, but maybe not to everyone are the family members and all those other people, places, and events that serve to make up our own unique family identity. This post if an effort to detail the people and events that make us the Royal Heffernans.

Dad teaches us all to curse through do-it-yourself home repair jobs

We all remember those wonderful weekends when, at mom’s request, dad would try and fix something around the house. Almost never did things go as planned, and most of the time they went horribly wrong. It was during those times that Heffernan children learned the fine art of cursing.
Mom would usually require at least one of us kids to help out dad, and usually we were eager to help. The prospect of putting in a new sink, or building a deck, or rewiring an outlet, all for the benefit of house, home, and family, were attractive. However, the attraction was quickly lost when we heard the first grumblings of dad. A few deep breaths, a muttered word or two, and then… a tirade at which Ralphie himself would have covered his ears.
Those were usually the points when any “extra” help vanished. Obviously Colin was long gone, and unless you were directly involved, you left as well. Sometimes mom would make us go back, and when we objected, she’d just say “Cover your ears, he needs help.” Help he did need, but usually it was help from himself. In the end dad usually made things work. He built two decks, redid the majority of cable and phone lines in Copperglow, did a significant bit of plumbing in his time, and even managed to chop up the oak tree without dying (though it was touch and go there for the two guys holding the ladder).
Dad always kept up a steady string of “colorful” language once the first problem was found in any project. And it was usually at that point that mistakes were made: making the seal too tight, hitting every finger on his left hand with the hammer, cutting the wire a hair too short, and countless runs to the hardware store for supplies ex post facto. It didn’t help that the hardware stores never had the necessary supplies, so a second trip was required – as it was required for God to damn the required item not in stock, the store to which we went to obtain the item, anyone in any way responsible for the store not having the item, and dad himself for needing the item in the first place.
Dad, of course, never forgot to include himself in his tirades. In that he taught his children humility. “Blame the idiot holding the hammer,” I heard him say once after he couldn’t hammer a nail in straight. He always remembered to include himself when telling God that something (or someone) needed damning. I learned a valuable lesson from him: you can yell and scream and curse at people and inanimate objects all you want, but you have to include yourself, too.
Dad is the reason why Heffernan’s love doing home projects. If you happened to marry a Heffernan male, dad is also the reason we’re so creative in our solutions when something goes wrong. Dad is also the reason why when a mistake comes up, you can tell the severity of the problem by the expression. The following is the severity level by expression, per Dad:

Crap – minor problem, easily solved with a little extra time
Damn – unforeseen problem that can be easily solved with extra time and supplies
God damnit – any problem caused due to your own mistake
Shit – major problem, only moments before catastrophic failure of some jerry-rigged contraption
Fuck – major setback; the plan has gone terribly wrong due to poor planning

That being said, dad’s desire to always do things himself (attributable to lack of money and/or lack of common sense) made do-it-yourself men out of all of his sons. We’ve all learned valuable lessons of what and what not to do for home repair jobs. We also learned the fact that a little extra money spent up front, yields large dividends in the end. And lastly, we learned that do-it-yourself projects require planning, organization, and a steady stream of cursing that provides valuable information to our spouses and children about the current status of the project.

Who Dey?!!!!

On November 4th, 2005 members of the Cincinnati Bengals and famed musical artist Bootsy Collins collaborated to create one of this year's great music videos, Fear Da Tiger. The song, released in October, features players Duane Clemons, Ben Wilkerson and Stacy Andrews rapping lyrics they penned themselves. "The Bengals are doing their part," Collins said. "I'm just trying to do mine." Collins' wife and business manager, Patti Collins - who was a Ben-Gal in 1984 - says they hope to make "Fear Da Tiger" available in stores and give a portion of the proceeds to the FreeStore/FoodBank. This video is freaking sweet. Thank you Cincinnati Bengals for not sucking this year, and thank you Bootsy Collins for giving me something to do at work today.

Fun with Federline

In case you were wondering, Mr. Britney Spears' brake calipers are worth more than your life. Yes, this chooch had the audacity to purchase (well, he didn't purchase anything... ever... in his entire life) custom, personalized brake calipers for "his" Ferrari. But the best is saved for the second photo - read the fine print on Mr. Spears' collar. You may need to read it several times to verify, but it does indeed say "Holla @ Yo Damn Self". This is only topped by the fact that Mr. Spears is apparently going golfing (note the golf bag) in this apparel. First, who made this shirt and why? Second, I'd commit ritual suicide before wearing that shirt and camouflage pants anywhere, much less a golf course. Third, can someone please tell this guy YOU ARE NOT BLACK!!! Finally, I've been trying to think of a word that best describes Federline and I think I've found it - douchebag. Doesn't he just ooze "douchebag" whenever you see that cornrowed head of his? Maybe it's just me...

Matt Leinart Consumes Alcohol

As the photographic evidence below shockingly illustrates, Matt Leinart has, on at least 1 occasion, overconsumed. Apparently, this is a big deal. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I guess it's supposed to be embarrassing or something, but if you ask me - if a 32 year old former Heisman-winning college quarterback wants to drink a few beers and hook up with semi-attractive 19 year olds... more power to him. That's not embarrassing. Embarrassing would be if that girl was really Reggie Bush wearing a wig and the jealous girl in the background was actually LenDale White. That's embarrassing. Fortunately for Leinart, Bush, and White USC has made sure all those pictures were destroyed...

16-0: Should They or Shouldn't They?

That's the question everyone is asking now that the Colts, at 13-0, have clinched home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs. However, the question really should be - Should the Colts give up on the rest of the regular season? Because there is no guarantee that even if the Colts play all their starters from here out they go 3-0 against San Diego, @Seattle, and against Arizona. Ok, so Arizona is a sure thing, but San Diego is fighting for a playoff spot and Seattle will be looking to wrap up home field advantage in the NFC. Bottom line, I don't think the Colts make it through the next two weekends regardless of whom they start.

You can equate this situation to condoms, abstinence, and STDs. In this scenario, an injury is your chlamydia and the theory of resting your players down the stretch is the condom of the NFL - it will reduce the odds of players getting hurt, but it's not fool proof. The only 100% proven method for players not getting injured/chlamydia is abstinence, i.e. not playing them at all. And there is no way Dungy would do that because they'd all be rusty going into the playoffs. And that doesn't even take into consideration practice, which we'll call fellatio for our purposes here - often overlooked, but just as dangerous. Who's to say Manning, Edge, or Harrison won't go down on a Wednesday?

No, the question here is whether or not the Colts should keep doing what they've been doing for the past 14 weeks, which is win - and win convincingly for the most part. If you ask me (or Ozzie Guillen), you don't change a thing over these next 3 weeks. Your team is playing better than anyone else in the league right now and they're on one helluva roll. Why mess with that mojo? Of course the ultimate goal is always the Super Bowl, but the NFL can be a bitter mistress. If it ain't broke don't fix it...

Dan O'Brien, You Broke My Heart

I am not quite ready to discuss the Sean Casey trade, but here is a picture which clearly shows my love for The Mayor. You can see above Liz napping on my bed in college (or is she upset over hearing the news that The Mayor was traded?), and above the bed is my poster of The Mayor. I loved that poster. Edit - I beat Liz severely for having shoes on the bed.

Say It Ain't So, Mayor

I think a little piece of Colin just died. Sean Casey, the heart and soul of the Reds was just traded to the Pirates! It's a sad state of affairs when we have 4 starting OF players and end up trading our 1B and captain, the Mayor. So who did we get? A southpaw starter named Dave Williams. 3 years removed from shoulder surgery and boasting a red-hot 4.41 ERA last year, Williams biggest claim to fame is that Tony Larussa thinks he's good!

Somehow, I don't think this guy is the answer. I also don't think we're done dealing. Either Griffey or Dunn will be gone for another lackluster starter soon. Sorry Colin. If you end up boycotting MLB and the Reds, I'll take your satellite radio!

Playoffs, Schmayoffs

So now that the BCS bowls have been decided comes the inevitable crying about the BCS system. Boo hoo, Oregon didn't get in. Waaah, Florida St. got in with 4 losses. Here's the fundamental problem with any playoff scenario (and the NCAA bowl logic, in general) - biased rankings. You can never have an honest playoff without someone crying about getting left out. Even in the NCAA Basketball tournament you have "bubble teams" that get bounced to the NIT and feel ripped off.

The common thinking approach is to have a playoff with the top 8 teams. You think choosing the top 2 is difficult? Things get a lot messier and you move further down in the rankings. The final BCS standings this year are as follows:

1. USC 12-0
   
2. Texas 12-0
   
3. Penn State 10-1
   
4. Ohio State 9-2
   
5. Oregon 10-1
   
6. Notre Dame 9-2
   
7. Georgia 10-2
   
8. Miami 9-2
   
9. Auburn 9-2
   
10. Va. Tech 10-2
    
11. West Virginia 10-1
    
12. LSU 10-2
    

As you can see USC and Texas are the clear cut #'s 1 and 2, but things get pretty ugly fighting for that #8 spot. Go with the BCS standings and the Big East has no representatives and the SEC, whom many (but not me) consider the toughest college football division, gets only 1 representative in Georgia. Put simply, the super conferences - Big 10, Pac-10, SEC, ACC, Big 12, and Big East - would never agree to a playoff system in college football without guaranteed representation, i.e. money.

The current system of deriving these rankings is also ridiculous in light of the coaches poll voting results being released today. Listen, I know I'm a little biased towards Notre Dame, but you'd have to be a fool to not have them ranked in your top 6 or 7. Steve Spurrier had Notre Dame ranked 14th! Ty Willingham and Mike Bellotti both had them ranked 9th (not that they had hidden agendas or anything). In last week's coaches poll Notre Dame was ranked higher than Oregon by 26 points. Neither team played this past weekend, but somehow Oregon leap-frogged Notre Dame in this week's coaches poll by 15 points! Huh? So let me get this straight - last week you thought Notre Dame was better, neither team played this weekend, and now, after you've had a chance to sleep on it, you think Oregon is better? Have I got that correct? People will never allow a completely unbiased, all-computer ranking system because they feel, with justification I think, that the computers can't properly account for a team's ability. And they'll never dump the computers because you have yahoos like Steve Spurrier ranking Notre Dame 14th because Charlie Weis ripped on him before the season started.

So until you can create a reliable ranking system that determines which teams are included in the playoff and until you can get the conferences to accept the fact that they may miss out on guaranteed money every year you'll never have a playoff. Personally, I'm fine with the current system. It gives us the game we want to see 8 out of 10 times. And if a team gets gypped? That's why the AP broke free - they'll automatically anoint the left-out team the co-national champion out of spite. Short of that, the best option would be to dump the BCS "series" and just have the title game which would rotate every year like it currently does. All the other bowls can go back to their previous affiliations and there's no crying about being left out of the so-called "big money" bowls. Oh, but then the actual Bowl Committees will get mad... You just can't win.

World Cup Soup #1

Damn am I jealous! This is a huge week for Bridget, Bryan, Ian and Steph. Oh yeah, it is also a pretty important week for US Soccer. Of course I'm talking about the worldwide spectacle that is World Cup 2006. The World Cup will be held in Germany next summer and all these lucky bastards will be there rooting on the Red, White and Blue. German beer, cuckoo clocks, autobahn, schnitzel - did I say beer? Oh yeah, there will be some good games too!

So the spectacle begins this week with the World Cup Draw. First is the annuncement of the seeded teams on Tuesday. 8 lucky teams will get seeded to almost ensure a free pass to the second round. Germany, as host, is guaranteed a seed. The seven other seeds will be decided after FIFA has had a chance to count the bribes. Sorry, I mean after FIFA has been able to decide the relative footballing merits of competing nations. This will be achieved following "various criteria such as the FIFA/Coca-Cola World Ranking." That is an admission that world ranking alone will not suffice. That would be far too simplistic. USA is currently sitting at #8. Do you really think we'll get a seed? It is always best to be cynical when dealing with FIFA, so we should accept that the internal discussions will begin with the eight seeds FIFA prefers, and then they will juggle the criteria to justify their choices.

Next comes the official draw on Friday. Hosted by Heidi Klum, additional performances will be made by Columbian pop phenom Juanes and magician Hans Klok! Come on, are they really going to have a magician perform at the draw? Is that how FIFA plans on making its groups work out just as they want? I can't wait to see this unfold. The little glass balls picked from the jars... Actually, I can. I'll just read about the results in the paper the next day. But this is exciting, because it determines USA's chances to advance, and our family's travel plans.

Finally, I would be remiss if I failed to mention perhaps the most intriguing aspect of the upcoming World Cup. US Soccer has allowed Nike to redesign our logo. The old US Soccer shield has been replaced by a scary looking snake with the logo "Don't Tread on Me." I'm not sure that is such a great idea given recent Nike redesigns of Virginia Tech, Miami, Florida and Oregon uniforms. Each of those jerseys cursed the teams to losses. I can live with the new logo, as long as Nike doesn't put different color sleeves on our kits!

So watch with awe, fascination and a measure of suspicion on Tuesday and Friday. I would wish those with game tickets good luck, but I am still bitter.I hope it snows while you're there!

Thanksgiving Hit List, Revisted

So, sadly, Thanksgiving has come and gone for another year. And as I shed a single, gravy-laden tear at the passing of my favorite holiday I reflect upon the damage done to my stomach. I'm not going to lie - over the last 5 days I ate more food than any healthy and rational human being should and probably could for that matter. I know I talked a pretty big game before the holiday, but I think I was able to back it up. Here's how it went down:

Skyline - 4 cheese coneys, with. Plus 3 bowls of oyster crackers and half of my wife's 3-way.

White Castle - Unfortunately, I just did not have the intestinal fortitude to stomach sliders, although I did lobby for them on several occasions. In it's stead, I had a reuben and 2 potato pancakes at Izzy's, quite possibly the best corned beef in the world.

Turkey - Not one, not two, but THREE(3) turkeys were cooked and eaten this year. A Heffernan family record! For those keeping score at home, they were 23lbs, 21lbs, and 13lbs. That's almost 60lbs of turkey! Gobble, gobble, indeed. Kudos go to Rival® for their excellent countertop turkey roaster, without which none of this gluttony would have been possible.

Fixings - Mashed potatos, sweet potatos, stuffing, green bean casserole, succotash. Not only did I help make them all, I ate them all.

Apple Pie - ...and custard, and pumpkin, and cherry, and blueberry, and pecan. If I could give multiple, fruit-encrusted checks, I would.

Alcohol - It gets a check, but not as big a check as I would've expected. I think we were all so full of turkey there was practically no room for booze. Sad, but true.

All in all, a wonderful holiday. Got to see the newest Heffernan addition, little Ava. Got to chill with the entire family by the fireside. Got to excel in the turkey bowl for another year. And got to indulge in my favorite foods. Now begins the long, painful week of withdrawl and purging. I feel like a recovering heroin addict breaking out into occasional gravy-sweats and turkey-induced shaking fits. But so is life for a Thanksgiving dynamo such as myself. Until next year - Vini, Vidi, Voro...

Are You Kidding Me!?

So Notre Dame played and beat (a fact obviously overlooked by sportswriters) a game Stanford team this weekend. There wasn't much shake-up elsewhere on the college football landscape so you'd assume the rankings would stay the same for the most part, right? Wrong. Somehow, Notre Dame dropped in all three(3) human polls - #6 to #7 in the AP and Coaches, #5 to #7 in the Harris. In all three polls Ohio State jumped Notre Dame even though Ohio State did not play this weekend! No other teams in the top 10 had any movement.

This, put simply, is a joke. It is a spineless and cowardly response by sportswriters and coaches to all the whining by Ohio State and Oregon fans over the past few weeks. How can you punish a team for winning a game on the road in which they had over 300 more yards of total offense than their opponent (663 to 335) and in which they held their opponent to -11 rushing yards? Did Notre Dame look ugly? Yes, they did. But Stanford's record belies their talent and ability - much like some of Notre Dame's other opponents this season (MSU, Michigan, Purdue, Tennessee). They have decent talent, a good coach, it was their final game and a shot to salvage a sub-par season, and they had an emotional boost as this was to be the final game ever played in Stanford stadium. But here's the thing - Notre Dame still won the game. And if their kicker hadn't been wearing a Forrest Gump-esque brace on an obviously still-injured kicking leg this game would have never been in question. Notre Dame's poor kicking game directly resulted in 7 lost points for Notre Dame and 7 points for Stanford from a kick return touchdown. That's a 14 point swing. That's a 45-24 Notre Dame victory and three years back on my expected lifespan.

I get it - everyone who's opinion matters (at least with regards to the collegiate rankings) hates Notre Dame. But Notre Dame is going to a BCS bowl whether you like it or not, so dropping them 1-2 places in the polls isn't going to make a difference... hopefully. Notre Dame should earn a BCS bid because they won 9 games and will most likely finish in the top 12 of the BCS rankings (unless the sportswriters keep this crap up). With the exception of the national title game (and even that one to an extent), the BCS bowls exist solely to make money and, love or hate them, Notre Dame makes lots of money. If you want to cry foul about BCS bids talk to the conferences, where there still exists the possibility that a 4-loss Florida St. team can "earn" a BCS bid by knocking off Va. Tech in the ACC title game, a 4-loss Colorado team can "earn" a BCS bid by upsetting Texas in the Big 12 title game, and West Virginia "earned" a BCS bid by winning a Big East conference so weak that it took UConn knocking off South Florida to secure WVA's title. You can say what you will about Notre Dame, but you can't say they aren't deserving.

Mega-church melee

Have you seen all of these evangelical Christian mega-churches popping up everywhere? The ones that buy 20,000-seat stadiums to offer services. I'm sure you have, as the monstrosities spring up anywhere a large collection of disenfranchised worhippers live. These Churches apparently give meaning to the lives of their worshippers by letting them see the power of faith in JE-SUS.

Here in Cincinnati, we have a few mega-churches that bear mentioning. Solid Rock Church on I-75N near Traders World is a new mega-Baptist church that many might call beautiful. It is a stone and column structure built on a man-made lake near the interstate, with plenty of open space and green grass inviting the lonely and lost to come find "The Way." Also inviting those same people is a "Giant Jesus" rising out of the ground as if from the grave. Giant Jesus is truly giant, with arms nearly 65 feet in height and a span of 42 feet between hands. Though Solid Rock Church's congregation is not overly large, its grandiose King of Kings statue has left little doubt as to its pastor's dreams.

The Crossroads Community Church is another mega-church in Cincinnati that has expanded dramatically in the past year. It originally took over a HomeGoods store on Madison Ave. and Ridge Rd. Since that time, Crossroads has added on nearly 4 times, and from Kevin's meager opinion, it looks as if the facility (because it's no longer a single building) has probably quintupled in size. Crossroads now features helpful traffic directors on Sundays, no less than 50 staff members (as per their website), and a congregation of thousands that believe the non-denominational Church has brought back the meaning to their otherwise uneventful and dissatisfying lives.

Now, Kevin is obviously not a fan of the mega-church means of providing spiritual nourishment. Kevin enjoys his Catholic faith, instilled in him by his parents through many years waking up for 7:30AM mass. Kevin believes that mega-churches are large gatherings of suckers bent on giving money to a few people who call themselves "pastors" and in return receiving the love and peace of JE-SUS. Personally, Kevin feels that JE-SUS will love you whether you give money or not, but hey, Kevin is just a simple man.

However, over the weekend another simple man (that is not Kevin) took offense to the Pastor Billy Joe Daugherty of Tulsa, OK. The man, we'll call him Parishioner, approached Billy Joe and managed to get off a strong right jab before he was taken down by security. While no reports as yet tell why the pugnacious parishioner punched Daugherty, Kevin believes the reasons are threefold:

1. Daugherty refused to drive the evil spirits from Parishioner's body.
2. Parishioner's wife and daughter had left him to enter Daugherty's personal harem.
3. After thousands of dollars in donations to Daugherty's church, Parishioner was enraged that he had only achieved Operating Thetan level III.

Kevin says kudos to you, Parishioner! Kevin's only regret was that the left uppercut that was the second part of the combo never landed. Honestly, do these Churches really have the power of faith they claim to have? If Billy Joe Daugherty really had the power of JE-SUS beside him, do you think Parishioner could have landed that punch? Or if he had really been a follower of Christ, shouldn't Daugherty have let Parishioner hit him again? JE-SUS did tell his true followers to turn the other cheek! Mega-churches may be the new wave of religion, but Kevin believes that this recent episode just goes to show that Jesus doesn't like mega-churches any more than Parishioner.

'Tis the Season - Only 40 Days Left!!!

The following is an actual conversation between Father John I. Jenkins, president of the University of Notre Dame, and myself, Class of 1997.

Jenkie: Well, it's that time of year for the Notre Dame family.

Ted: Holidays?

Jenkie: Of course, but that's not what I mean. I'm talking ND football.

Ted: Oh right! We're going to the Fiesta Bowl! Weis has us back in form for a BCS spot in only his first year. We are AWESOME!

Jenkie: Yes Ted, we rock - even more so than the one Peter built his Church on. But that's not the point.

Ted: So who is it going to be Padre? Are we going to get Penn State, Ohio State or Oregon? What word do you have from the big man upstairs?

Jenkie: Well, Father Hesburgh is recovering from a bad fall, so he isn't really thinking about football right now. Besides, all pious Notre Dame faculty are thinking of more important things.

Ted: I mean God! Any ideas about who we'll face?

Jenkie: Of course, God says that it doesn't matter. We should just be proud of playing our best football and look forward to any worthy rival in Tempe. But...

Ted: I knew it! What else are you getting?

Jenkie: Getting back to the point of my first statement...

Ted: Yeah, it's that time of year, I know. What is it!?

Jenkie: Well, only the most important thing. It's time to make your annual contribution to the Notre Dame Alumni Association!

Ted: I should know better than to talk to a CSC priest.

Jenkie: Our football team is really good! I gave you your new coach - despite a public outcry!

Ted: But I have to pay $100 now since I graduated in 1997!

Jenkie: But think about the ticket lottery. You would be able to buy tickets for next years home games!

Ted: But I might not be able to make any. Besides, most people never get what they want anyway!

Jenkie: Think about the chance to go to the National Championship game next year. God says we're a lock! So does Hesburgh.

Ted: I would be there! Where is it?

Jenkie: The Fiesta Bowl - again.

Ted: Tempe, again! Can't we ever play anywhere else?

Jenkie: We have a pretty good track record there! Just go ahead. Click the link and donate. It's your obligation! Remember, donations must be received by December 31, 2005 to be eligible for next year.

Ted: Okay padre, you got me.

Jenkie: Can I interest you in a Sorin Society membership? It's only $1000.

Ted: Uh, no.

Reactionary Reporting

Gotta love how quickly sportwriters forget the past. Here's a quote from ESPN.com's Dan Shanoff,

"Fresno gave USC its toughest game of the season"

Ummm. I watched this game. USC was up by 2 touchdowns at several points in the game. Fresno St. fought back, sort of, but still would've needed a last gasp touchdown AND a 2 point conversion just to send this game into overtime. Reggie Bush alone but up over 500 yards of offense against Fresno. Here's a helpful formula for sportwriters at home:

Scoring 42 on USC ≠ Challenging USC

USC averages like 87 points per game (± 37 points). There's no doubt they can score. That's why all you forgetful sportwriters kept proclaiming them the best offensive college football team of all-time. Remember?

Meanwhile, USC needed their own last-second heroics to beat Notre Dame just one month ago. If they don't convert a 4th and 9 from their own 30 and Matt Leinart doesn't intentionally fumble out of bounds with 3 seconds left and Reggie Bush doesn't illegally push Leinart in for the winning touchdown as time expires, no one cares that Fresno hung 42 on USC Saturday night. But whatever, I'm not bitter or anything...

SLUUURP!

... that was the noise emanating from Jim Nantz and Phil Simms every time the camera focused on Peyton Manning in Sunday's game versus the Bengals. Seriously, can people please stop drooling over the reincarnation of Dan Marino, i.e. all stats, no rings. Yeah, great, Peyton calls all his plays no-huddle and changes them every time at the line. Awesome, Peyton can audible and make checks to keep the defense off-balance. We get it. Peyton's an above-average quarterback in the NFL.

I love how the announcers are always saying, "Look how winded the defense is! This no-hubble offense just doesn't let them make adjustments and substitutions!" when the Colts run that no-hubble offense. Don't you think the offense is pretty fucking tired too?! I mean, they're the ones having to concentrate as Peyton audibles through a half-dozen different plays signaled via some sort of epileptic mime song-and-dance that combines elements of Indian smoke signals, American Sign Langauge, and semiphore. Last I checked, the Colts aren't making any substitutions either. Are they on some sort of freak conditioning program that makes them impervious to fatigue during football games? What am I missing here? Ask Edge James is he's not tired after Peyton audibles 8 straight running plays up the gut.

The other thing I don't understand is Peyton's wanton disregard of his coaching staff. Phil Simms calls it respect and responsibility and leadership, I call it defiance and arrogance. He blatantly ignores his coaches' decisions and Simms proclaims his the reincarnation of Christ:

Exhibit A: Midway through the 2nd quarter, Colts up 21-17 and facing 4th down just inside Bengals territory. Colts head coach Tony Dungy began to send on the punt team. Peyton, with his giant head (both literally and figuratively), vehemently waived them off the field and went for it. RESULT: Colts 1st down (and eventual touchdown)
Exhibit B: 4th quarter, Colts up 42-34 and deep in Bengals territory, Dungy tries to send in some offensive substitutes and Manning disgustedly waives them back to the sidelines. RESULT: Bengals stuff Colts and force a field goal.

The consequences of Manning's decisions aren't as important as the fact that he got away with them and his utter contempt in doing so. NFL quarterbacks are, by nature, cocky. They must be in order to gain the respect of their team and handle the scrutiny that comes with the position. But on one side you have Tom Brady, who is a helluva quarterback, who listens to his coach, makes great play after great play, and has 3 super bowl rings and on the other you have Peyton, with his NFL records, making all his own calls, defying his coaches and owning 0 rings. You think Belichick or Parcells or Gruden would put up with Peyton ignoring their calls? He'd be sitting pine for a few plays just out of principle. The look on Mannings's face in both cases showed that he has no respect for the decisions of his coaches. Dungy, for his own sake, better tighten the reigns on Peyton or the Polians may begin to think he's expendable. I mean, who's running the show - Dungy or Peyton? Because by all appearances the Colts coaching staff has zero say in how their offense is managed.

So now we have another week of Manning ass-kissing now coupled with talk of a possible undefeated season by the Colts. Whoopee! Add to that the 9 million or so interviews that Nick Buonicotti is bound to give saying how great the '72 Dolphins were and I am officially in hell...

Hollywood - Friend or Foe?

In recent years, Hollywood has become stuck in a rut. Following a pattern as formulaic as some of its sorry excuses for entertainment, the movie year begins in March. This is the preseason. The big studios release low budget action titles, romantic comedies just in time for Valentines Day, and long shots, hoping for lightning in a bottle. Without the imposing mega-budget hits to compete with, one stand-out could earn a bundle of cash. Recent examples of the springtime hit include action flop XXX: State of the Union, romantic comedy Hitch, and who could forget Constantine.


The next Hollywood season is summer. As everyone has now realized, summer is the time of year Hollywood throws a ton of "blockbuster" releases out. Each weekend, a new title is carefully wedged into release in a careful plan to be the #1 movie for that week. Of course, only 2 or 3 movies hold onto that spot because a bigger and badder blockbuster is always ready the following week. Of course, each movie comes complete with a fast food tie-in, action figures for sale at Toys-R-Us, and a video game. The goal of the studios is to create the Holy Grail of the film industry, "The Franchise." A big enough hit means sequels and more money! This list is long, but this summer offered us The Revenge of the Sith, Fantastic Four, War of the Worlds, and Jennifer Aniston's fav Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

After the summer season comes the worst time of the year, late summer. These are the pseudo-blockbusters that were so bad, the studios knew they couldn't compete in the summer. They usually were pushed back from an earlier release date and most should have been pushed back to NEVER! This year offered The Dukes of Hazzard, The Cave, and perhaps an all-time worst nominee Stealth.

A brief pause in the year ensues before 20 horror genre flicks are released leading up to Halloween. The big winner this year was Saw 2, but only because Freddy Kreuger, Jason Voorhies and Michael Myers have overstayed their welcome with 26 titles between them!

Finally, the winter movie season arrives with the "Oscar contenders." The studios rush to release the artsy hits critics drool over and swing their Oscar compaigns into high gear. This year the competition is tough with Munich, Syriana, Walk the Line, and The Producers all tying to be the next Million Dollar Baby. The season concludes with the Oscars in February hosted by either Billy Crystal or a complete boob.

However, every once in awhile we do get a surprise. One of the best movies ever shocked the world with a Spring release, The Matrix. Warner reimagined the Batman franchise in style with Batman Begins this year. Scream almost single handedly brought the horror genre back to life. Finally, winter is the season for Peter Jackson's annual release - King Kong this time around. That guy is golden.

So why do I bring this up? Every once in awhile, a movie captures the imagination. The build up makes you mark opening day on your calender. You brave the crowds to see the show that first night. Then, the movie actually delivers! In the upcoming year, some big releases are planned. Mission: Impossible 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, The Da Vinci Code, X-Men 3 and Transformers. However, I defy you to show me any trailer that makes your hair stand on end like the teaser for this one. Will it deliver? I don't know, but I'll be there June 30, 2006 to find out. Click the picture below to see this one. Yes, that's Brando. Yes that's John Williams score! AWESOME!

SEC - Chicken or the Egg?

So this past weekend was a big one for SEC football. Alabama, ranked #4, had its BCS title hopes on the line at home against 5th ranked LSU and 9th ranked Georgia was hoping to stay in the BCS picture against #15 Auburn. Being that I live it Virginia, albeit northern Virginia, I was subjected to both of these games on television and came to this conclusion - the SEC stinks.



Whenever the so-called college football experts speak of the SEC it's all about defense - tough defense, swarming defense, and my personal favorite "punch you in the mouth" defenses. And the statistics seem to back that up - the SEC has 5 teams in the top 20 for scoring defense in 2005 - Alabama (1), LSU (4), Auburn (7), Georgia (10), and Tennessee (19). In addition, the SEC also boasts 5 teams in the top 20 in total defense - Alabama (3), Florida (8), LSU (9), Tennessee (12), and Auburn (15).

Pretty impressive, right? Well, have you ever heard the old saying, "The best offense is a good defense"? In the case of the SEC it's more like "The best defense is an incredibly inept and floundering opposing offense quarterbacked by Helen Keller's less physically talented, blinder, and lesser known sister".

If one were to look at the 2005 offensive statistics (and believe me, in the case of the SEC they are offensive), the SEC has only 3 teams in the top 50 in scoring offense - Auburn (15), LSU (39), and Georgia (tie 48). In addition, they only have 3 teams in the top 50 in total offense - Auburn (23), Georgia (26), and Vanderbilt (48). There are 12 teams in the SEC, boasting such storied programs as Alabama, Georgia, LSU, Florida, Tennesse, and Auburn - and the 3rd most prolific offense belongs to Vanderbilt? Really? Vanderbilt? Seriously, the Commodores? Where's that high-flying offense of Urban Meyer's at Florida? What happened to pre-season #3 Tennessee?

My hypothesis - the SEC's defenses look better than advertised because they're playing against high school level offenses week-in, week-out. Do I have any proof to substantiate this hypothesis? Precious little besides my own well-honed college football eye and the results of one game pitting a highly rated SEC defense against a highly rated non-SEC offense, Tennessee v. Notre Dame. Now granted, Tennessee is having a down year (although they were ranked #3 in the pre-season so how bad could they really be? Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver? I hear someone choking...), but that's more due to the fact that Danny Ainge and Rick Clausen would both be backups on my flag football team and Gerald Riggs, Jr. lost his leg in a tragic tractor combine accident in week 4 (or he just sprained an ankle, the SEC injury reports are notoriously vague). So Tennessee comes in to South Bend needing a win to right their sinking ship and keep hope alive for a bowl bid and all Notre Dame does is hang 27 offense points on them (42 overall) and sends them home with their tails between their legs. An SEC-based (or -biased, take your pick) media member tried to bait Tennessee head coach Philip Fulmer after the game by asking how he thought Notre Dame would fair if it were a member of the SEC. Probably hoping for an answer along the lines of, "Hoo golly, Bobby John! They'd stink worse than a skunk dun got hit by momma's Chevy and served fer dinner!" Translation: Their fancy pants offense would get eaten alive by the SEC defenses. Instead he got, "I think they'd be one of the elite teams in the league every year". Translation: They'd probably kick the crap out of everyone else like they just kicked the crap out of us. Oops! That backfired...

There's a reason why the SEC team has been on the outside looking in for BCS title contention the past few years - Auburn, LSU, and Alabama this year (before losing to LSU) - it's because they voters aren't buying the whole "The games are low scoring because our defenses are so good... We swear!"-excuse. The voters (and computers for that matter) see the SEC for what it is - a passed by league that still hasn't adopted the forward pass as a viable offensive option and tries to live on its past laurels and reputation. Once they switch this thinking though (and shy away from quarterbacks name Brodie, Cody, Billy Joe, and Shane) they'll be a force to be reckoned with due to their ability to recruit talent based on reputation, idyllic campuses, and a willingness to look the other way when boosters buy athletes (and by athletes I mean male football players) new SUVs. Until then however, the USCs, Texas's, and Notre Dames of the world will hang 40+ on them any day of the week and twice on Sunday (just once on Sunday for Notre Dame - because they're at church). Enjoy the Outback Bowl, SEC!

Irish Emotion

As we arrive at the November portion of the ND football schedule, the Irish are looking good for a BCS bowl. Will it be Fiesta or Orange, Tempe or Miami? Tough call, but I for one am hoping for a Catholics vs Convicts IV matchup. Despite our turnaround, watching a Notre Dame game still is an experience. A series of emotions are evoked which are universally shared by those who love the Irish, and universally ridiculed by those who do not! Now that we have almost a complete season under our belt, and I felt it appropriate to summarize the Irish Emotions below.

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Preseason Joy

Not to be confused with our matriarch, this is the feeling we all share beginning in the spring around the Blue Gold game. It continues on through the summer as we recieve our tickets won through the lottery, and builds to a frenzy as fall practice begins. This is the time when anything is possible; National Championship, Heisman Trophy, preseason rankings, top recruits signing up. It's one of the best times to be an Irish fan.

Emotion personified: Charlie Bucket

1989: We are defending National Champs, and have everyone returning, including Heisman candidate Tony Rice. It almost makes you want to sing, "I've got a golden ticket!"

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Expectant Satisfaction

This is when we get those nice wins against Navy, Purdue, Washington and others. It feels good to watch the game, but you can't be too happy because you were supposed to win it. Watching the game is a pleasant experience, and maybe you even flip around to check some other scores during commercials. Afterwards, you are able to carry on like any other normal day.

Emotion personified: Charles Montgomery Burns

1996: Navy game on Nov 2, my senior year. A nice 54-27 win on the road. Excellent Smithers, it's all going according to plan!

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I Can't Watch This Anymore

This emotion, pioneered and perfected by Dad, occurs when the trainwreck seems imminent. You see the little mistakes, and they begin to add up. Something bad is coming and you just can't take it anymore. Not dissimilar to watching a bad horror movie, you yell at the screen, get up and walk away. For most Irish fans, this occurs somewhere just after halftime. For Dad, 8 minutes into the first quarter.

Emotion personified: Gone fishing

2005: Tennessee game on Nov 5. After ND gets out to an early lead, Tennessee ties it at 21 in the third quarter. It was a great 4th quarter Dad!

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Terrible Loss Rage

These are the losses that sting. Not your loss to Michigan at the Big House, or a tough loss on the road in West Lafayette. I'm talking just getting your hat handed to you. It's so bad, you just can't turn it off. Maybe the next few days you're embarrassed to wear any ND gear out in public. Eventually, the sting fades and anger builds up. These are the losses that usually lead to a coach getting the axe. They also lead to my former roommate throwing knives and breaking videos!

Emotion personified: The Incredible Hulk

1985: Miami game on Nov 30. Jimmy Johnson pours it on, scoring early and often at Miami. The final score is 58-7. Gerry Faust resigns after the season.

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Glorious Victory High

These are those great games during which time stops, the stars align and the luck of the Irish leads to jubilation. Everything goes our way leading to pure joy. Typically dubbed The Game of the Century, ESPN Gameday is usually nearby. Very closely related to Terrible Loss Rage, the distinguishing factor is that we win! Post-game celebrations are the stuff of legends. Winning a Heisman also fall into this category.

Emotion personified: Wilbur "Shooter" Flatch

1992: JoePa and the Nittany Lions come to South Bend Nov 14 during a snowstorm. Trailing late, Rick Mirer leads a 4th quarter comeback capped by a TD pass to Bettis and a two-point conversion to Reggie Brooks for a 17-16 win. Recovering alcoholic assistant coaches everywhere jump around on their beds like crazy men!

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National Championship Ecstasy

Only occurring twice in my lifetime (only one of which I was old enough to be aware of), this is why we follow Notre Dame football. Ideally, any ND alum must drop everything and make a pilgrimage to the site of the title game. For those unable to attend, a HUGE party is thrown to watch the game. The party does not end until the next season begins. An unavoidable side-effect, this emotion causes all previously described emotions to intensify.

Emotion personified: General Zod

1988: ND beats Major Harris and the Mountaineers in the Fiesta Bowl on Jan 2 to win it's 11th consensus National Championship. Of course we were #1 in a final poll in 8 other seasons, but who's counting. All powerful and deserving of worship... Kneel Before the Irish!

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Going Toonces

The most dreaded of all emotions, this is reserved for those losses that will live on in infamy. It starts with the highest of highs, always closely following Glorious Victory High detailed above. Usually, you are still celebrating. Everyone is all smiles, and it's just a beautiful day to be Irish.

Soon, it becomes painfully obvious that something is wrong. The party is over, but there is still a chance to salvage the day. The tantalizing National Championship Ecstasy is still within reach. With new resolve, every fiber of your being focuses on the task at hand even while realizing that it's going to end very badly. Usually prayers are begun.

Then it's all over. Crash and burn. Tears are unavoidable. All clothing and paraphanelia associated with the game must be destroyed. Those around you speak at their own risk. Usually, one unusual occurance associated with the game bears the irrational blame. The polar opposite of National Championship Ecstasy, all other emotions are subsequently tempered - at least until the voices in your head stop!

Emotion personified: Toonces the driving cat

1993: After winning the most recent Game of the Century against Florida State the previous week, the Irish are ranked #1 and headed for a 12th national title. It all ends on Nov 20 when BC beats us 41-39 on a last second field goal. Damn you Tracy Weaver - it's all your fault for coming to that game!