Heffernan Family Events – Vol. 3

The Heffernan Family is defined by its history together and apart. Well-known to us, but maybe not to everyone are the family members and all those other people, places, and events that serve to make up our own unique family identity. This post if an effort to detail the people and events that make us the Royal Heffernans.

Ted's teaching methods

He was the eldest son of the eldest son of the eldest son. He was Thomas Edward Heffernan IV, known to friends and family as “Ted.” A select few, however, knew him a little differently. Yes, he was still “Ted” to us, but he was also the Harbringer of Hopelessness, the Pendragon of Pain, and the Sultan of Suffering. You see, to his siblings, Ted was the oldest brother, and as eldest brother he had to guide and teach his siblings in the ways of life. While some brothers liked to compliment and challenge their siblings, Ted followed in the footsteps of such great real and fictional leaders as Josef Stalin and Sauron: Ted motivated us to better ourselves through pain and fear.
Ted had lots of cool stuff growing up. Most of the time, he had to share it with Ian, as they shared a room and a paper-route and bought lots of stuff together. However, Colin and I would often like to play with their stuff too, because, well, they had cool stuff! What 8-year-old doesn’t want to play with his older brother’s Nintendo? Unfortunately, Ted’s stuff was off limits to Colin and I, and if he found us messing with any of it, Ted would have to “teach” us about personal property.
Ted liked to do things his way. Go about daily life in the Heffernan family, you would know if something wasn’t being performed in the proper “Ted-way” by one of three not-so-subtle signs:

1. Ted would at least try to reason with you before he beat the holy hell out of you. By means of taunting, ridiculing, and verbal threats Ted cowered you into performing in accordance with the “Ted-way.”
2. Ted would give you “The Face.” This consisted of Ted projecting his lower jaw out for a serious under-bite and baring only his bottom teeth (never the top teeth, and that would have been poor dental hygiene). When “The Face” appeared, you had approximately 3 seconds before receiving a beat-down not since the days of Ralphie and the bully in A Christmas Story. More often than not the recipient of “The Face” would drop to the ground in the fetal position screaming out alternating phrases of “I’m sorry!” and “Not in the face!”
3. Occasionally a situation would arise in which a swift, uncompromising message would have to be delivered. Usually this meant that Ted had truly been bested in some fashion and the person who had bested Ted needed to learn to never do that again. In these no-so-rare occurrences, Ted would bypass taunting and “The Face” and go straight to the “Tedslam.” A Tedslam is when Ted would rush up on his victim student, pick them up in whatever means possible, and fall to the floor with the other person breaking Ted’s fall. It was an exceedingly painful lesson, for Ted’s student as well. Normally, when a Tedslam came into play, mom would step in and (usually) stop the violence. But every now and then she’d let Ted get away with it. Some lessons had to be taught, and Ted was a very good teacher.

And I guess it wouldn’t be fair to say that Ted only “taught” to his siblings. Ted beat up lots of people - family, friends, and village idiots. He beat up Daniel Hoover on the way home from St. Matt’s one day (I was so happy he wasn’t beating up me!) and he also threw Chad Slavinskus in a pool once. And I’m sure there were lots of other lessons he doled out over the years, but I am fairly certain this author had more classes with Ted than any other student. But at least he didn’t break my arm (thanks Ian).

Fiesta Bowl Gameday!!!

So of course it's time for the big game! I am getting really pumped - except for the fact that I have a real job and have to work today! So some quick math: 5pm EST kickoff means 4pm here in New Orleans. That sucks for me. So how am I going to watch? TiVo of course!!! By the way, I did eat my Lucky Charms this morning!

Go Irish!!!!!

Liz and Colin are Cursed

Well Liz and I are going on a trip tomorrow, so everyone should
know what this entails: an equal combination of bad weather and terrible luck. Exhibit 1, our June trip to Disney World, the happiest place on earth. Many people will tell you that in Florida rain is always probable, but usually subsides in the late afternoon and evening and gives way to sunny skies. Well it didn't happen when we were there. It rained. All day and all night. It wasn't very magical.




Exhibit 2, our trip to beautiful San Diego in April. We arrived in the morning to overcast skies. I promptly informed Liz that the haze will burn away around noon, and sunny skies will prevail. Well, the sunny skies did not prevail. We took a taxi ride to the San Diego Zoo and our driver told us that it usually only truly rains in San Diego about 6 days a year. We were there for 3 days. It rained all 3 days. I took the liberty of checking the weather report the day we left. It was sunny and 72.


Please look to the right for an Exhibit of our Christmas trip to New Orleans in 2004. Don't see anything you say, that's because we didn't get there on Christmas as scheduled. According to Dr. Rodriquez it didn't snow in New Orleans for over 50 years on Christmas. Can you guess what happened next. I'll save you the suspense, Liz and Colin book flight to New Orleans. New Orleans has first major ice storm in recorded history. Colin and Liz sit in airport on Christmas day. It was awesome.


Our lack of luck when traveling extends beyond just poor weather,
we just have all around bad luck. For instance, lets look at our trip to Las Vegas during the spring of 2004. It was cold in Chicago so we were looking forward to basking in the heat of the desert by our pool at our hotel-casino. As soon as we checked in I asked what the pool hours were, and was informed that the pool was under construction for the week. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well I think what happens in Vegas sucks.


As stated in the beginning of this post Liz and I are going on a trip. Again we risk life and limb to travel to beautiful Southern California and Disney Land. Believe it or not it looks as though the weather might not cooperate. Looks like chilly temperatures and cloudy skies on the coast. But wait, warm weather awaits inland during our trip to Disney, right? Wrong. Again, cold and overcast. I did have hope when I learned that Ian and Steph were coming that the weather would be nice. Apparently they are the ying to our yang when it comes to travel weather. However, it looks like our yang is going to rain all over their ying.

Well, who knows what is going to happen. Maybe it will be sunny, warm, and gorgeous all weekend long. Wouldn't that be nice.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Liz and I are going to Hawaii for
our honeymoon. I am pretty sure the weather will be nice for that. At least that's what I am hoping for.

RIP Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant (Fresh scent)

After 15+ years of mutual friendship, this weekend I applied, for the last, time Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant Deodorant (Fresh scent). We had a good run together, what with me always smelling good and feeling confident going into anything from a final exam, to a first date, to a big meeting. I really thought that Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant Deodorant (Fresh scent) would be the only deodorant in my life.

Well, the relationship started to turn sour a few years back. I would notice unsightly "caking" on the under-arms of my favorite, most worn t-shirts. Next thing I knew I felt unsure of myself going to the office or a friend's house for dinner. I realized this may not be the storybook tale I had always assumed it would be.

It all ended on Christmas Eve 2005. I went to the store to pick up supplies for artichoke dip and next thing I know, I'm putting a stick of Old Spice High Endurance Deodorant (Original scent) into the basket. And you know what? I don't feel guilty. My confidence is back and Old Spice has that great theme song.

We had a good run, Right Guard Sport Clear Stick Anti-Perspirant Deodorant (Fresh scent). I will always love you...

The Reds Kick Ass

That's right, the Reds kick ass. That's all I have. Oh yeah, unicorns kick ass too.

Intelligent Design - Officially Debunked!

Anyone not reading the comments to the posts is missing half the fun of this site. I encourage more comments. On a similar note, I would like to nominate Chuck Norris as the patron action hero of our site. I'm sure Dad would argue that we are an Ah-nuld family, but Tom Rench's comments are rock solid. Finally, I think we should consider Tom as a Royal Heff cousin. His comments to the prior post were priceless and deserve a full post. I almost pissed my pants! Here you go...

Evolution is VERY TRUE and is scientifically proven. Exhibit A: Chuck Norris.

Here's some random Chuck Norris facts to chew on:

1)Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

2)According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

3)Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

4)Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

5)As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

6)The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

7)Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

8)Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

9)Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

10)If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Game. Set. Match.

Intelligent Design - God, We're Stupid

Intelligent Design (ID) v. Evolution. Why is this even an issue. Isn't there something in the Constitution or Bill of Rights about separation between church and state? Listen, I know that evolution is only a 150 year old theory, but theories are backed by scientific evidence and can be verified multiple times by independent research. I can't just create the 'Theory that Ian Heffernan is the coolest person in the world', however likely that may be. In order for that to be considered a theory we'd need to round up everyone in the world, measure their coolness factor (if such a thing was possible), and demonstrate that it was less than mine. And even then we would still need to test every newborn human to verify that my coolness factor was greater. Difficult, yes, but attainable. However, one couldn't even consider ID a hypothesis because it is impossible to prove or disprove. It is faith, which is by definition, a belief in something that cannot rest on logical proof or material evidence.

There are many differences between a scientific theory and faith, but one of them is that faith is not taught in the science classrooms of our public schools. I went to Catholic school for 16 years. In our religion classes we learned about the bible and all the world's religions (which have surprisingly similar creation stories if one were so inclined to do the research). In our science classes we learned about the theory of evolution. My teachers were smart enough to stress that evolution was still a theory, but they never even attempted to put ID in the same discussion or on the same plane as evolution. It was either evolution or we're really off track.

If private or parochial schools want to teach ID, I guess one can't complain. Afterall, people have a choice to not send their children to private schools. Public schools are another matter. Sometimes there is no choice to be made. ID has no place in public schools.

I'm not offended by the concept of ID as much as I am by people calling it an alternative to evolution. So what if my great¹⁰⁰⁰-grandfather was a chimp? That just explains why I like bananas, climbing trees, and throwing my poo so much. But of course I'd like to think that our lives are not random chance, that there was some spark to get this ball we call Earth rolling, but it's likely we'll never be able to prove that. What we can prove - and, more importantly, test - is evolution. And until that changes, evolution is not only the best choice for explaining how we came to be, it is the only choice.

The fact that this discussion must even be taken to the courts is an embarrassment. It's an embarrassment to me as a Christian, as a logician, and as an American. Those responsible for pushing this issue should be ashamed. Another example of the dumbening of American society...

Political Rant #1

So I was watching a rerun of the always excellent Colbert Report on Comedy Central last night in which he interviewed Katrina Vanden Heuvel, editor of The Nation and staunch Democrat, when I came to a decision - I am apolitical.

I had a sneaking suspicion of this this past November during the Virginia gubernatorial elections. I was being bombarded with political messages on TV, radio, and in print. People kept asking me for whom I was going to vote. So I did the research and looked into the records and stances of the leading Democrat and Republican. Guess what? Their platforms were identical. They could've jumped party affiliations and it would have made no difference. Yet they visciously attacked one another in their ad campaigns. Personal attacks, not political. I made an informed decision not to vote. As I listened to Vanden Heuvel last night I realised that she had allowed her political convictions to skew her entire outlook on life. I would wager that if you told her simply that you are a registered Republican, and nothing more, she would hate you for that fact alone.

I guess I just don't understand how people can care so deeply about these trivial political matters. I guess I am a Republican in theory - in that I believe in a smaller government - but the association ends there. Did I vote for George Bush? Yes. Twice. Do I regret those votes? Almost everyday. Do I thank God that Al Gore and/or John Kerry is not president? Almost everyday. In today's political society is there really any difference? 99 out of 100 politicians are egomaniacs that just love to here themselves speak. They accomplish nothing. Every time a meaningful law is introduced that appears to be passable in the House, one million riders are attached that have nothing to do with the original and are simply tacked on for personal gain. The result is one of two outcomes: 1) the law passes with ridiculous stipulations attached like $5bil to build a bridge spanning Alaska and Siberia or 2) the law gets shot down. It's a joke. In reality they should just change the political parties to 'For' and 'Against' abortion, because, let's face it, that's really the only difference these days.

People try to make things so black and white, but that is never the case in real life. Reality is always found in the gray areas in between. Am I for or against abortion? As a lifelong Catholic and educated (or so I like to think) man, I truly believe that life begins at conception - you cannot quantify life. But ask me again, after I've just found out that my 13 year old daughter or my wife or my sister has been raped and is pregnant, and I would definitely feel differently. Am I for or against capital punishment? I think it's barbaric and has no place in civilized society. But I also don't think that a person convicted of murdering children deserves to live - his life is forfeit. Maybe that makes me spineless for not taking a stance, but I refuse to allow the media's oversimplification of the issues to alter my better judgement.

What it boils down to, unfortunately, is that our elected officials, by and large, don't care about us. They care about their power, about seeing themselves on television, about their own pride, and about their legacy. They take months off at a time then return to work and vote themselves a pay increase. They are interchangeable cogs in what has become a flawed and broken machine. They have gone from being servants of the people, representing our best interests, to rulers of the people, representing their own.

But it's not entirely the fault of the politicians. The media can share a large portion of the blame - what with their red states and blue states and their general dumbing of America with the tripe with which they polute our airwaves and print. And I guess you can't forget the American populace in general. Americans are increasingly stupid these days. They're more concerned with Jessica and Nick than the elections in Iraq.

I don't say this because I don't like America. Quite the contrary, I love America. I would die for our country. But here's the thing - and this is for everybody - this shit is not easy. A strong, functioning democracy takes a lot of work. You can't just coast on your laurels - and this is across the board. Politicians - I don't care what you did in the past or what your party has accomplished. You work for me! I write your paycheck! Quit dicking around with my money. Media - Quit trying to make everything so simple. Life is not simple. I know you may not be able to devote two pages to Paris Hilton if you spend extra time covering both sides of an issues, but so be it. You'll only hurting yourselves because, eventually, people will realize all your stuff sucks. People - Quit being so damn stupid. Turn off American Idol and read a book. Don't vote for someone because you like his or her hair or because you share the same religion. That's not an informed vote!

Ohio State - The Florida State of the Midwest

Today the NCAA released its inaugural Graduation Success Report, or GSR for short. According to the NCAA's web site:

"The GSR is a new NCAA measurement that improves the federally mandated graduation-rate by including transfer data in the calculation. It was developed in response to college and university presidents who wanted graduation data that more accurately reflect the mobility among students in today's higher education climate."

Translation: schools were excited because their graduation rates should theoretically rise under the newer guidelines.

I submit for your approval the GSR records for the football teams at three "football" schools - Florida State, Ohio State, and Notre Dame.

School	GSR	Fed Rate
Florida State	52%	46%
Ohio State	54%	49%
Notre Dame	96%	85%

As the data shows, Ohio State (the NCAA officially omits the leading 'The' for Ohio State University) just edges out Florida State. Meanwhile, Notre Dame's graduation rate is almost better than Ohio State's and Florida State's rates combined! Bravo, Ohio State administrators, your prize football team is an absolute embarrassment to the great state of Ohio and to college athletics in general (I don't feel the need to single out Florida because it's already an embarrassment in every way conceivable).

Notre Dame may just win the Fiesta Bowl by forfeit - I'm not sure the Ohio State football team could find Tempe, much less Arizona, on a map...

Ohio State is a Joke

As we all know, the Fiesta Bowl is fast approaching. Our esteemed opponent is none other than THE Ohio State University. What the hell is it with that whole THE thing anyway? It really annoys me, since Ohio University was actually founded first, in 1804. THE Ohio State University didn't come along until 1870. Come to think of it, a lot of things annoy me about THE Ohio State University. Here is my own Top Ten List of Reasons Why Ohio State is a Joke. I know Rench has been waiting for this post!

10. The Horseshoe is NOT a horseshoe
In case you didn't notice, tOSU put permenant seats in the south end zone. You don't see me calling Monster Park by its old names San Francisco Stadium at Candlestick Point, 3Com Park or Candlestick Park.

9. What's the deal with the damn nuts
I don't get it. Are they supposed to make you happy? Maybe they have some magical power to ward off evil spirits. Perhaps a token to ensure fertility. Obviously, if used improperly, things can go horribly wrong.

8. Unfrozen caveman linebacker
Look at that face! How can Brady Quinn's sister be going out with him? As in a related post below, I'm still wondering why he had $3000 cash just sitting in his apartment. Start the Sloth chant now: Baby Ruth, Baby Ruth, Baby Ruth!!!

7. Sweatervest is a lying cheat
This guy is the most two-faced lying figure in college football since... Well, Bobby Bowden is still around. Anyway, at least Bowden isn't a cheat! tOSU has been dodging scandal ever since Tressel arrived. Don't forget he left Youngstown State with a scandal as well.

6. Obnoxious Ohio State fans
These guys are just stupid. Ever get into an argument with someone really dumb? You know the feeling. You just can't win it, so don't even try.

5. The obsession with Michigan
The Michigan game is the Super Bowl for tOSU. Cooper wins 10 games a year but can't beat UM consistently, so he's out. The obsession really goes beyond rational thought. The funny thing is Michigan really doesn't care about it as much!

4. Maurice Clarett is a scumbag
This guy almost single handedly destroyed college football with his lawsuit against the NFL. That was right after he almost single handedly destroyed tOSU's football program proclaiming boosters gave him cash. That was right after his $50000 SUV got robbed of $20000 worth of goods. Good work with the Broncos this year!

3. Brutus the Buckeye wrote his own book
This mascot is just downright scary. Now that he has written a book, my only hope is that he never, ever utters a spoken word.

2. Woody Hayes likes to fight
Dec. 29, 1978. tOSU is up against Clemson in the Gator Bowl. Clemson picks off an OSU pass and Woody Hayes punches the player! He also punched his own player for trying to stop him. He is fired the next day. That's the greatest coach in Ohio State history.

1. The best damn copycats in the land
tOSU has a little tradition that the band performs at every game. They spell out Ohio in fancy script letters - creatively known as Script Ohio. So, I really love the origins of this tradition. The first Script Ohio (actual photo) was performed at Ohio Stadium in 1932 - by the Michigan marching band!!! AWESOME! The greatest tOSU tradition was started by it's biggest rival.