Heffernan Family Events – Vol. 3

The Heffernan Family is defined by its history together and apart. Well-known to us, but maybe not to everyone are the family members and all those other people, places, and events that serve to make up our own unique family identity. This post if an effort to detail the people and events that make us the Royal Heffernans.

Ted's teaching methods

He was the eldest son of the eldest son of the eldest son. He was Thomas Edward Heffernan IV, known to friends and family as “Ted.” A select few, however, knew him a little differently. Yes, he was still “Ted” to us, but he was also the Harbringer of Hopelessness, the Pendragon of Pain, and the Sultan of Suffering. You see, to his siblings, Ted was the oldest brother, and as eldest brother he had to guide and teach his siblings in the ways of life. While some brothers liked to compliment and challenge their siblings, Ted followed in the footsteps of such great real and fictional leaders as Josef Stalin and Sauron: Ted motivated us to better ourselves through pain and fear.
Ted had lots of cool stuff growing up. Most of the time, he had to share it with Ian, as they shared a room and a paper-route and bought lots of stuff together. However, Colin and I would often like to play with their stuff too, because, well, they had cool stuff! What 8-year-old doesn’t want to play with his older brother’s Nintendo? Unfortunately, Ted’s stuff was off limits to Colin and I, and if he found us messing with any of it, Ted would have to “teach” us about personal property.
Ted liked to do things his way. Go about daily life in the Heffernan family, you would know if something wasn’t being performed in the proper “Ted-way” by one of three not-so-subtle signs:

1. Ted would at least try to reason with you before he beat the holy hell out of you. By means of taunting, ridiculing, and verbal threats Ted cowered you into performing in accordance with the “Ted-way.”
2. Ted would give you “The Face.” This consisted of Ted projecting his lower jaw out for a serious under-bite and baring only his bottom teeth (never the top teeth, and that would have been poor dental hygiene). When “The Face” appeared, you had approximately 3 seconds before receiving a beat-down not since the days of Ralphie and the bully in A Christmas Story. More often than not the recipient of “The Face” would drop to the ground in the fetal position screaming out alternating phrases of “I’m sorry!” and “Not in the face!”
3. Occasionally a situation would arise in which a swift, uncompromising message would have to be delivered. Usually this meant that Ted had truly been bested in some fashion and the person who had bested Ted needed to learn to never do that again. In these no-so-rare occurrences, Ted would bypass taunting and “The Face” and go straight to the “Tedslam.” A Tedslam is when Ted would rush up on his victim student, pick them up in whatever means possible, and fall to the floor with the other person breaking Ted’s fall. It was an exceedingly painful lesson, for Ted’s student as well. Normally, when a Tedslam came into play, mom would step in and (usually) stop the violence. But every now and then she’d let Ted get away with it. Some lessons had to be taught, and Ted was a very good teacher.

And I guess it wouldn’t be fair to say that Ted only “taught” to his siblings. Ted beat up lots of people - family, friends, and village idiots. He beat up Daniel Hoover on the way home from St. Matt’s one day (I was so happy he wasn’t beating up me!) and he also threw Chad Slavinskus in a pool once. And I’m sure there were lots of other lessons he doled out over the years, but I am fairly certain this author had more classes with Ted than any other student. But at least he didn’t break my arm (thanks Ian).