The Bolton

If you're like me (trust me, if you're reading this blog you are), you gave up on Saturday Night Live 10 years ago. However, the shining star of SNL these days are Lonely Island and their awesome Digital Shorts. We all know the original classic, Lazy Sunday. Since then, they have had a series of awesome shorts including I'm on a Boat, the awesome trilogy D*ck in a Box, Motherlover and 3-Way, and one of the funniest I have seen J*** in my Pants.

There are many more, but here is one that is vastly underrated. Saw this for the first time and laughed my a$$ off! I present to you the tale of Jack Sparrow!

Wait, Smoking is Bad For You?

The FDA has released the official graphics for their new campaign of warning labels on every pack of cigarettes sold in the United States. I have two immediate thoughts:

1) Holy shit, can they print that?
2) Will they be selling a commemorative carton so I can collect all 9?

Here are the images that will start rotating on every pack sold as of September 2012. They will cover the back of the pack as pictured.

Pretty tame. Big tough guy quit smoking. Good for him.

Another tame one. Oh man, smoking is bad for kids. Come on, they don't smoke anyway!

Now we start to ratchet up the fear. People don't like to look at other sick people.
You know what else people don't like? Crying babies. Worse yet, crying babies born premature in an incubator!
Now the FDA goes all anatomical on us. Normal lung on the left. Your lung if you smoke this pack of cigarettes on the right!
Now it's game on. Second hand smoke kills, and nobody wants to see a grieving widow. This one hurts to look at.
Another shocker. Anyone who's ever been to a VA hospital has seen this. Most people probably have not. For those who don't know, this guy has a tracheostomy as a result of surgery for throat cancer. He likely uses an electronic voice box to speak, and also must smoke his cigarettes through his trach tube! That's right, mouth not required to continue to kill yourself!
Another disgusting image. Rotten teeth and lip cancer. I especially like how the mouth is designed to be in proximity to the cigarette as you pull it out of the pack. If only this one could be "scratch and sniff!"
The coup de grace. Corpse status post autopsy. To save cost, probably the same guy they took the lungs from pictured above! FDA needs to use it's government spending wisely - we have a budget crisis!!!

Swoosh!!!

Yours for the bargain price of $35!!!

We all know it. Some love it, some hate it. The Nike Swoosh turns 40 on June 18. I read a great article today on the history of Nike and the ubiquitous Swoosh, and found out some amazing facts. Click over for the full story.

• The Swoosh was designed by a freelance graphic design artist in 1971 for $35. Carolyn Davidson was friends with Nike founder Phil Knight and did work on business presentations for him prior to being asked to design a logo for his new brand of shoes.


• Phil Knight was a HUGE fan of adidas' classic three stripe logo for it's shoes. He had a very hard time accepting other possible logos that were not stripe based.

• Davidson designed the Swoosh in about a week (above), and when she presented it, Knight said, "Well, I don't love it. Maybe it will grow on me." He had a deadline for production so Davidson didn't even get to refine her design.

• Davidson worked as a low-level employee for Nike for a few years after designing the logo, but certainly wasn't a founding employee worth millions today (like Knight and his posse).

• In 1983, after Nike had clearly become a premier company, Nike president Bob Woodell suggested to Knight that they do something special for Davidson. They had a big surprise party for her, gave her a gold Swoosh ring with a diamond, and an unspecified number of stock certificates in Nike.

• Sources suggest the number of certificates in 1983 was 500. In 1983, that was worth $6,085. Allowing for the current price of Nike stock as well as stock splits since 1983, the value of her gift today would be $643,035.
  

Charleston, SC

So Samantha, Teresa, and I did a long drive down to Charleston, SC for a week-long vacation with the Paulus clan. Our week was spend in a rental-house in Kiawah Island, which is south and west of Charleston, as opposed to Isle of Palm, which is almost due east of the city. Here's a recap of various portions of the trip which may or may not impact our vacation in August.

Travel/Drive
From Columbus, we took US-33 (2-lane divided for most of the way) to just over the West Virginia border - took about 2.5 hours. We then picked up I-77 and took it due south through West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, and to Columbia, SC. Finally, we took I-26 to Charleston. The timer in my Traverse said it took us a little over 10 hours of drive time in the car to get to the Charleston airport, at I-26 and I-526. This does not include stopping for gas, period rest breaks, and other various stops. The traffic was fairly light, and speed limits were 70mph most of the way. We did this drive on Memorial Day weekend, and we did the final leg from Columbia to Charleston around 3 in the afternoon. At no point was I driving under the speed limit due to congestion, and there was only 1 work zone on the entire drive where I had to reduce speed. I believe this was the major area of concern for a vacation spot, so I think we can assume the best for driving in August.

Weather Conditions
Weather for us was high-80s, low-90s, and fairly humid most of the week. If you're on the beach, you won't notice humidity due to the fairly constant breeze, which was very refreshing while not being so strong it blows your umbrella away. Bring the sunscreen, but water temps ought to be extremely pleasant for us in August.

Water Temp
I didn't have a thermometer with me, but the water was never "cold". Most of the time, I would have considered it warm, and at high tide in the early evenings, it was downright hot! Our beach was about 10 yards at high tide, and closer to 50 yards at low tide. Water at low tide was only to my waist when I was roughly 50-yards offshore - probably the reason the water was so warm.

Charleston tour
We did go into Charleston for a day, which took us abut 75 minutes from Kiawah (should be closer to 30 minutes from IOP). We went to the Aquarium and the Market District, both of which were pretty cool. Sam enjoyed the aquarium, as there are some huge fish tanks in there you can just sit and watch all the big fish. The Market District was pretty similar to the markets in NOLA, but interesting to walk through all the same. I'm sure there's lots of other places to go, so feel free to throw out some suggestions.

All in all, it was a much easier drive, and awesome beach for the trip. For those of you flying, the airport will likely be a 30-45 minute drive from IOP. I'm sure you can figure out the distances. I'm looking forward to the Heffernan trip, and I know Sam is too! She wants to play with cousins for a week, not her mom and dad!

Their Grades, My Grades

The USMNT put in a strong opening game to the Gold Cup last night, knocking off a Canada team looking to beat the US for the first time in 3 decades 2-0. Here are the player grades from FoxSoccer. Here are mine...

(FoxSoccer Grades in parenthesis)

Tim Howard - 8 (8)
Outstanding, as usual. Although his second great reaction save of the night was his own fault for not pouncing on a loose ball inside his six.

Carlos Bocanegra - 6 (7)
I didn't think he got forward as much as usual, and he missed a sitter in the first half. Wasn't as effective on set pieces, but I'll take him (or anyone, really) over Bornstein every time.

Steve Cherundolo - 5 (8)
Cherundolo was abused by Josh Simpson all night. Simpson regularly went right around and past him in dangerous situations. He might be beginning to show his age (32) and I'm wary of him getting exposed further by the Mexican attack.

Tim Ream - 7 (7)
I love this call by Bradley. Onyewu is done. Ream is much more calm and collected, every bit as imposing, and doesn't make all the stupid fouls Onyewu does. On top of that, he knows all these MLSers in this tournament which makes him a smart choice assuming he keeps playing this well.

Clarence Goodson - 6 (7)
Good partnership with Ream for a player that keeps getting better. He seems a lot more comfortable knowing he's not going to have to clean up for Onyewu all night.

Landon Donovan - 6 (7)
Moves all over the place, and did a great job tracking back on defense and saving Cherundolo's ass. I'd like to see him be a little more selfish on the attack. He seems hesitant in the final third.

Jozy Altidore - 6 (8)
He scored a (lucky) goal and setup Dempsey's, but he just doesn't move well. Furthermore, every time he tries to take on defenders, he loses. Every. Time. And then he makes dumb fouls trying to win the ball back.

Michael Bradley - 8 (8)
The mercurial Bradley. You never know what to expect. Maybe it was having Jones - and his crazy speed and tackling - alongside him, but Bradley was great last night.

Jermaine Jones - 8 (7.5)
The best athlete to ever dress for the USMNT. He is faster and stronger than any player on the USMNT and, dare I say, anyone in CONCACAF. I hope his partnership with Bradley only gets better.

Juan Agudelo - 6 (5.5)
The scorecard won't look as favorable for him as it did Altidore, but Agudelo seemed more dangerous all night. He had great movement and was willing to try things on the attack that few of his teammates would.

Clint Dempsey - 8 (7.5)
As Colin said on Twitter last night, no one is even close to Dempsey on the USMNT. People give him a bad rap, but I still believe it's because he gets frustrated when players around him aren't up to his level. If you give him the ball and room to operate, anything is possible.

SUBS
Maurice Edu - 4 (5)
Huge drop-off from Jones.

Chris Wondolowski - 3 (4)
Token MLSer. I don't remember him touching the ball for almost the entire 30 minutes he played.

Sacha Kljestan - 4 (5)
Really? This guy is still on the team? I know he had a good season and Anderlecht, but his favorite move last night was holding up a pending attack and passing back to Ream or Goodson. Also, he looks exactly like Ethan Hawke.

The USMNT showed last night that it's capable of winning this tournament. The biggest concern is their lack of depth. Bradley is already carrying a yellow card and a lot of guys are coming off long seasons overseas. The subs last night (and over the weekend against Spain) showed the shocking drop-off in skill from our regulars to the backups. An injury or suspension here or there and the wheels could come off pretty quickly.

WANTED

If you see this... thing, do not stop to call 911 - RUN LIKE HELL FOR YOUR LIFE!

Every once in awhile, I steal an idea from another website. Although this one is on Deadspin, I didn't steal it! This is big news right here in Cincinnati, OH!

According to this local article on NKY.com, this is the official police sketch of a suspect that abducted a 75-year-old woman from the Crestview Hills Town Center (one of Mom's favorite malls) on Tuesday. She was sitting in her car in the parking lot in broad daylight with people all around. He stole her car, robbed her, tied her up and left her in the woods in Miami Township. The car was later recovered in Covington, KY.

This is big news locally, but this sketch has made it national. I mean, really? Was this drawn by a 9-year old fan of graphic vampire novels? 30 Days of Night: Queen City. I can't wait for that! This is absolutely horrifying! Maybe this 75-year-old victim has some memory issues. There is Stockholm Syndrome, in which you sympathize with and admire your abductors. Perhaps this is a Reverse Stockholm Syndrome!

It should tell you something that the Enquirer has not posted this sketch on their website. If I was the police chief, I'd crumble it up and shoot the 3-pointer into the trash with it. Then I'd make the sketch artist take out the trash for a month. Then again, when they catch this guy, I hope to God he looks as scary!

Irish Take Down Buckeyes!!!

In wake of Jim Tressel's resignation and the impending implosion of Ohio State's football program, I thought it hilarious that after all the shenanigans by Tressel and Ohio State, it was a Notre Dame man that brought him down.

The controversy surrounding OSU and Tressel has been swirling since December. As recently as March, the university president E. Gordon Gee said in response to questions if he had considered dismissing Tressel, "No, are you kidding? Let me just be very clear: I'm just hopeful the coach doesn't dismiss me." Well, all that changed this past weekend.

Sports Illustrated has been working on a story about Tressel and OSU for weeks. According the the article (released Monday):

Last Friday, SI informed Ohio State spokesman Jim Lynch of the new allegations and asked that Tressel be made aware of them. Lynch said the school would have some comment by the end of the day. No comment came, and on Saturday, Lynch told SI to contact Tressel's lawyer, Gene Marsh, for any response from the coach; Lynch also said he could not confirm that Tressel had been apprised of the new allegations. The implication was clear: Ohio State was distancing itself from Tressel.

What we now know is that Tressel was summoned immediately to athletic director Gene Smith's office on Sunday after returning from vacation. A discussion ensued and Tressel was given a choice: resign or be fired. On Monday morning, he met again and turned in his letter of resignation.

So Notre Dame alumnus Gene Kelly dealt the final death blow to Tressel. The author of the article that finally brought down Tressel after months of controversy that was deflected NUMEROUS times by Tressel, OSU and the NCAA - George Dohrmann. Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, and you guessed it - another Notre Dame alumnus!!!

_________________________________

On a related note, I wanted to comment also on the nature of the issues surrounding Tressel and OSU. Many are suggesting this is an isolated compliance incident at OSU, and one that EVERY major BCS school has. The issue is Tressel's lies and coverup. While I agree Tressel's deceit ultimately brought him down, it is only a fraction of the overall problem.

Tressel is a hypocrite. He preaches honesty, integrity, faith and family. Yet he has disregarded these standards repeatedly throughout his career.

• As an assistant at OSU, he rigged a raffle so top recruits would win gear at a football camp - thus making them prefer OSU.
  
• At Youngstown State as head coach, he hooked up QB Ray Isaac with a booster who provided cash and cars to him and other players. The NCAA gave sanctions, but Tressel was gone to OSU.
  
• At OSU, he ran a football factory. Family and integrity were just buzzwords. Sure we all know about the tatoos, cars and memorabilia. But the most damning Tressel story I have read isn't an NCAA violation, but strikes a dagger in the heart of Tressel's supposed ethics.

Sammy Maldonado was a stud RB recruit to Ohio State. He was recruited by previous coach John Cooper and earned a letter in 2000, working his way to #2 on the depth chart. Going into 2001, he had a new head coach in Tressel. Inexplicably, he disappeared from the depth chart in August and got zero reps in practice. All he did were sprints at the end of practice. Understandably, he was upset. His mother even came to OSU and attended practice every day for two weeks, video recording her son standing on the sidelines holding his helmet. When he went to Tressel with his parents for an in-office meeting, they asked why he wasn't playing or getting practice reps. Tressel looked them in the eye and said he was making too many mistakes in practice, and a lot of blunders. His mother pulled out the video and called him a liar. The RB coach confirmed that she had been at practices, and they were removed from his office. That's how you treat family!

Furthermore, when Maldonado tried to transfer to close-to-home Maryland, he was shocked to find that of his 57 credits over 2 years at OSU, ONLY 17 WERE TRANSFERABLE TO MARYLAND! As a result, he has had to work hard just to transfer and earn his eligibility. OSU doesn't regard it's football players as students, only as athletes. They do whatever they can to keep them eligible with classes like HIV awareness, coaching football (taught by Tressel), remedial reading, remedial math, issues affecting student athletes, and even getting course credits for playing football!

Ohio State football is an absolute joke, and Jim Tressel is only part of the problem. People can make fun of Notre Dame and our football performance over the last 15 years, but I can tell you one thing: Notre Dame is preparing our football players to not only play football, but to have a career after football is done. We are doing things the right way. It has taken time to find the right man for the job, and I hope Kelly is finally him. However, we have NEVER sacrificed our principles to achieve instant success on the field. Unless Ohio State makes a commitment to overhaul their program, I will continue to give them the same respect they give to their own players' education.

Before and After

On the top you see a picture from Google Street View of an intersection in Joplin, MO from a few weeks back.

In the bottom you see a photograph of the same intersection taken after tornados ravaged Joplin on Sunday.

Two words come to mind. Holy. Shit.

Looking at that top picture it's nearly incomprehensible (at least for me) that the same area could ever possibly look like it does in the lower half. Apparently a few Joplin residents commented on the photos to confirm their authenticity, but I'm still trying to matchup landmarks between the two and I see some inconsistencies, e.g. no sign of that tree nearest the intersection and missing the concrete corner on the intersection where it meets the asphalt.

If this is legit, it's just incredible. Tornados are bad. Who knew?

The Rest of the World is F%^$ed Up

"Movies can use transgressive topics and imagery toward great artistic resonance. They can also just use them for pure shock/novelty/boundary-pushing."

Every few years, some artistic work comes under attack by the public for pushing boundaries a bit too far. Some famous works of art or exhibitions come to mind. Music is also another frequent method of artistic expression that frequently looks to push the boundaries. So it is no surprise that movies attempt to do the same. This isn't a new phenomenon in cinema, but something tells me we have turned some awful corner.

Two recent movies were released that were met with a high level of controversy. Not interested in seeing either, I read the plot synopsis to see what all the fuss was about. On both occasions, I was horrified. I have included the SAFE plot synopsis of each. Click the link to read the plot summary at your own risk.

Antichrist

This enormously controversial psychodrama-cum-horror film from Danish enfant terrible Lars von Trier charts the degeneration of a marriage into apocalyptic violence, chaos, and insanity following an unthinkable domestic tragedy. The film opens with a prologue. While they make love in their apartment on a snowy winter afternoon, a husband and wife known only as "He" and "She" (Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg) fail to keep an eye on their young toddler. In a horrific turn of events, the child wanders over to an open window, entranced by the snow cascading down, and falls two stories to his death. Von Trier then divides the remainder of the film into four chapters, beginning with "Grief." In that segment, the woman finishes a month's hospitalization, and accuses her husband of apathy over the child's death, but proceeds to take responsibility for it herself; he calmly and rationally guides her through this process. In the second segment, "Pain," she confesses to him that she's most terrified of their property in the forest, because she spent time with her son there over the preceding summer; as a form of therapy, he takes her to that locale on a wilderness retreat. She appears to grow more calm and rational over their first days in that milieu. Yet the recovery, it seems, was only illusory, and the subsequent two chapters, "Despair (Gynocide)" and "The Three Beggars," depict the woman's shocking and abrupt regression into unbridled insanity, culminating with grotesque sexual violence against herself, gruesome acts of destruction against her husband, and an apocalyptic climax.

A Serbian Film

Milos, a retired porn star, leads a normal family life with his wife Maria and six-year old son Petar in tumultuous Serbia, trying to make ends meet. A sudden call from his former colleague Layla will change everything. Aware of his financial problems, Layla introduces Milos to Vukmir - a mysterious, menacing and politically powerful figure in the pornographic business. A leading role in Vukmir's production will provide financial support to Milos and his family for the rest of their lives. A contract insists on his absolute unawareness of a script they will shoot. From then on, Milos is drawn into a maelstrom of unbelievable cruelty and mayhem devised by his employer, "the director" of his destiny. Vukmir and his cohorts will stop at nothing to complete his vision. In order to escape the living cinematic hell he's put into, and save his family's life, Milos will have to sacrifice everything - his pride, his morality, his sanity, and maybe even his own life.

This week in Cannes, another movie premiered with clear intention to shock it's audience.

The Skin I Live In

The film, which stars Antonio Banderas and budding actress Spanish actress Elena Anaya, focuses on a mad but brilliant surgeon (Banderas) who kidnaps a man who raped his daughter. The doctor's daughter killed herself from the grief and it drives him to take very drastic measures. This is where it gets complicated and disturbing. Banderas then gives the rapist a sex change and transplants his deceased daughter's face onto his body. He later has sex with the man he has brutally experimented on and turned into a woman. The movie also contained several disturbing rape scenes and nudity.

That half the the theater walked out (AT CANNES!!!) should tell you something. That the other half who stayed gave the director a 5-minute standing ovation should tell you more. This is getting out of control. What are these people thinking? What message requires a plot in which you rape a transgender, plastic surgery created, image of your own dead daughter. How do people even think of this crap?

The quote at the top is from Alison Willmore in reviewing A Serbian Film. She is 100% right when she says that movie falls into the latter category - as do the other examples above. Good luck as the favorite to win the Palme d'or, the highest honor at Cannes.

Official Preparaton Doctrine for Zombie Apocalypse

The CDC has put out some information on what to do if their is a zombie apocalypse. Pretty good stuff, and it can also be used if there's hurricanes, flooding, or other natural disasters. Just something to keep in mind.