FACT: Ryan Braun Used Steroids

I am totally fired up! Next week, I am attending a radiology conference in Arizona. I plan on learning some new things, getting my mandatory CME, and playing a little golf. One big thing I get to do is pretty exciting: I'm going to my first Spring Training game! The Reds moved into their Goodyear facility last year after decades in Sarasota. I hear it is an awesome place, and I can't wait to see the 2012 Reds in action. I'll see the March 7 game against the Padres.

That leads me into the topic of my post. The Reds are going for it this year. The Brewers and Cardinals stand in our way. Ryan Braun tested positive for a banned substance last year and received a 50 game ban for this season. The details slowly have emerged, and now it is clear that he was doping. These are all facts, although MLB or Braun will not verify them.

• Sometime late last season, Braun received a random urine test for drug screening.
• The test was collected late, and could not be immediately shipped by FedEx as per MLB protocol.
  
• The collection specialist, whose entire job is to maintain chain-of-custody of the sample, stored it overnight in a refrigerator. It was sealed and in his possession the entire time.
• The next morning, the sample was shipped.
• The sample was later tested and found to contain a 20:1 ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone (normal is 1:1).
  
• It was further tested and positive for synthetic testosterone.
• Braun received a 50 game ban.
• This ban should have been confidential, pending appeal, but it was leaked by an unknown source.
• Braun appealed.
• He was reinstated on a technicality that the sample was improperly stored.

My first impression was, "Crap, the Brewers are a joke without Braun and Fielder. Bad break for the Reds." Immediately thereafter, I thought, "Man, MLB screwed up the sample. Braun got lucky." Then, I read Braun's statement and I wanted to PUNCH HIM IN THE MOUTH!!!

"I am the victim of a process that completely broke down."

Is he actually playing the victim here? Sure, I have no problem with his suspension being repealed. MLB has a policy, and they broke it. Did the process completely break down? No. Is he a victim? HELL NO!

A little medical knowledge from the Big MD here: Testosterone is an androgen steroid produced naturally in the body. Other steroids are also produced, including epitestosterone. Epitestosterone is produced by the same pathway, but is an inactive form of testosterone. As a result, they exist in nearly identical ratios in the body. However, if exogenous testosterone (injected, not produced by the body) is injected, while testosterone levels increase the level of epitestosterone stays the same. This is the major way to determine if someone is injecting steroids.

For Braun to have a 20 to 1 ratio, there is only one possibility - he doped!!! Overnight storage (as alleged in the appeal) would not cause the ratio to magically increase. Furthermore, synthetic testosterone could not have magically appeared in the sample overnight. Could the sample have been tampered with? In theory, but it was in the custody of the collector. The chain-of-custody wasn't even argued. This was simply a technicality.

This is a joke. Ryan Braun is a joke. MLB and steroids is a joke. Guys are still doping, but they are just smarter about it, and using fancier stuff. Until they turn over their program to USADA or WADA, the steroid issue will NEVER go away.

The Claw!!!

Horror of horrors. Parents of 2 or more should avoid this at all costs!

One of my fondest memories of childhood was a trip to the mall with Mom or Dad. Not because I loved shopping at the mall, but because it afforded us the chance to go hang out in Aladdin's Castle! Yes, the good old-fashioned arcade was one of my favorite ways to spend an hour or two while Mom shopped from store to store. Punch-Out, Gauntlet, Pole Position, Afterburner, Spy Hunter, Galaga, Miss Pac-Man, I could go on and on! Those days are long gone, as computers, X-Box and Playstations have far surpassed anything that a stand-up arcade machine could accomplish. These days, you might see Golden Tee sitting in a bar, but that's about it. With one big exception...

THE CLAW! I hate this thing with all my heart. When I was younger, it had the coolest toys in it: switchblades, watches, cameras. I wasted many a last token trying to get a souvenir for the road. Today, it has become an even bigger nemesis. Filled with cuddly, plush dolls, The Claw is IRRESISTIBLE to little kids - especially girls. Pretty much every restaurant we walk into has one prominently displayed in the front lobby. Every time, Ava and Molly beg me to try, and I resist. It's a waste of money. Nobody wins that thing.

Well, today I cracked. We went to Red Robin for lunch and tired of their asking, I decided to teach them a lesson. I promised them each a turn at The Claw, but prepared them for the disappointment. My plan was to teach them a lesson and stop future begging. Let me just say - BAD BAD BAD IDEA!!!

Of course, they didn't really know how to work the controls, so I steered toward their chosen target while they pushed the red button to drop The Claw.

Molly went first. She singled out a cuddly, pink monkey. We popped in our 50 cents and The Claw was off. 20 seconds to position The Claw before it dropped regardless. I worked the controls like a crafty veteran. Molly cheered as I got The Claw directly over the monkey, which was laying flat on the top layer of toys. I told Molly to push the button. Down went The Claw toward it's target, and it clamped shut. To my shock and amazement, it grabbed the monkey! As it retracted, the monkey rose with it!! It returned to the shoot, and MADE IT!!! It released the monkey and there it was in the bin, waiting for Molly!!!!

I couldn't believe it. Molly was ecstatic. Ava was ecstatic. I was utterly terrified. Ava now basically expects a doll! Having never won The Claw before, I am literally sweating thinking of what will happen if I fail Ava.

So Ava puts in her 2 quarters. She had selected a cuddly pink dolphin. Again, I took the controls and maneuvered The Claw into position. I took an extra few seconds this time to position that bastard PERFECTLY over the dolphin. With my heart pounding, I told Ava to hit the button. Down went The Claw toward it's target, and it clamped shut. To my shock and amazement, it grabbed the dolphin! As it retracted, the dolphin rose - for a moment. Then to my horror, it fell. Ava cried. Molly smiled. I punched my fist through the glass wall and grabbed that damn dolphin - in my head!

We went back to the table for lunch as Ava continued to cry. I was somewhere between heartbroken and pissed off. I asked Ali for a dollar, and promised Ava I would get her the dolphin. Not wanting to get her upset, I told her to wait while I tried again. With my next attempt, I got the dolphin partially up. It fell again, but was now nicely positioned on the top layer of toys. With my last 2 quarters, I made one final effort - already planning on a stop at Toys R Us to get Ava something to balance this ridiculous situation out. I watched in amazement as that cute, cuddly piece of crap dolphin rose up and made it to the bin. I walked back to the table with it behind my back. I could already see the tears forming in Ava - and then I gave it to her!!!

She was ecstatic. Then Molly started to cry uncontrollably!!! She wanted the dolphin instead of the monkey!!!!!!! Moral of the story: NEVER CAVE IN TO THE CLAW IF YOU HAVE 2 OR MORE KIDS.

Holy Toledo!

I was actually planning a technology related post for tomorrow (can you say more android fragmentation) because I didn't want to bump Ian's nd post so soon (can you say low hopes for nd football), but if you haven't seen this already you must:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34x6m-ahGIo&feature=youtube_gdata_player



I hope this link works, but if it doesn't google the trailer for Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter. It is on YouTube and it is amazing. I suggest reading the book first, it obviously is a corny premise, but the book is done quite well. It weaves in actual historical fact with obvious vampire fiction, or is it?

The movie looks like it is going to be over the top, but come on, Abe Lincoln vampire hunter? It had to be over the top. I am hoping for the next army of darkness.

We're Due

It's mid-February, so just about the right time for our first Notre Dame football post of the year. Here are the big items that have happened since the Irish gave one away to Florida State.

1. Manti Te'o decided to return for his senior year, meaning Notre Dame will have it's most formidable front seven in decades.
2. An already solid recruiting class was lifted by a last minute gift enrollment of top QB recruit Gunnar Kiel, who only weeks before had committed to Louisiana State after previously decommitting from Indiana.
3. Tons of shake-up in the coaching staff, most notably on the offensive side of the ball where no coaches will be returning to the roles they had last season.

Item 1 is as much a blessing as Michael Floyd's decision to return last year. Te'o's return is vital to a defense that will be completely overhauling the secondary. The potential in that front seven with Lynch, Tuitt, and Nix compounded with Te'o's return will make things much easier on the young secondary.

Item 2 should provide 99% of the ND fodder through spring practice and into the summer. Do the Irish go with the 2-year starter with a 12-4 record as starter, but who has been wildly inconsistent and hasn't shown much growth (Rees)? Do they go with the guy who showed flashes at the end of the year, is mobile, and has the cannon arm (Hendrix)? Do they go with the red-shirt that Kelly intimates is the best fit for his offense and looked most polished of all QBs in last year's Blue-Gold game (Golson)? Or do they go with the hotshot recruit that has a family legacy at ND QB (Kiel)? The coaches seem to indicate this battle will be wide open, and it will be interesting as spring practice starts how they divvy up snaps to give each a fair chance. Less interesting? The repetitive storylines for the next 8 months if no one locks down the position.

Finally, the coaching shake-ups ensure that there will be competition at every spot, particularly on the offense. The biggest mover is unquestionably Chuck Martin, who goes from safeties coach to QB coach and offensive coordinator. It's not a new role for Martin, who filled the same for 5 years as head coach at Grand Valley State. He seems to be on the same page philosophically with what Kelly wants to do, so I'm optimistic. I also just really like the guy, so I hope he succeeds. He seems genuine and funny in the pressers he's done so far this spring, and I really love this quote:

Everybody knows how I feel about Notre Dame. Everybody knows how I feel about Brian Kelly. So he could tell me to coach any position on the team and I'd go to work the same way.

That guy's the tits. Go Irish!

Shameless Self-Promotion

I've created a new blog - Ian's Tech Blog. The purpose is to simply document any tech-related challenges I've encountered to which I was unable to find satisfactory solutions using internet searching.

I've posted the first few entries for reading MOBI books on mobile devices and working with digital media in your home network. Moving forward, volume and quality of entries will be directly proportional to my frustrations with Google. Enjoy.

The Future of the NBA

Another Heffernan blog first... A post about the NBA!!!!!!

I heard about this on the radio this morning, and the second I got to work, I looked up this video. If you haven't already seen it, here you go. Watch and enjoy.

You may know that every NBA team has an elaborate laser, light, multimedia, fog, video intro production for their teams. I've seen a few and they are pretty crazy. The Hornets have one too. However, Will Ferrell was in town filming a movie and was asked to do the player intros for the Hornets Bulls game. What transpired will surely become the next greatest thing in the NBA. I would imagine all other teams will be copying this within the week. I would also be surprised if Will Ferrell is NOT doing the intros at the All-Star game.

If I could buy stock in pop culture trends, this would be one to invest in. Will Ferrell is pure comedy gold!

Why I Need to Move

This was posted today on our neighborhood email list-serve:

"An extra special thanks for whomever tried to dispose of a used condom in
my trashcan at the curb but missed and just left it there on my lawn. No
really...thank you so much."

The saddest part, this has happened to me as well.

Well That's Depressing

Baseball seems to be the sport where a player's career can extend longer than in most other professional sports. It seems that baseball players, if above average, can regularly extend a career well into their mid 30s - mainly because baseball players just stand around and hope they don't throw their back sneezing (which I have done - horrible!). So it was with dismay that as I looked over the Reds' spring training roster I noticed that I am older than all but two(2) of the invited players. The good news? Colin and Kevin are also older than 95% of these guys. So I've got that going for me, which is nice...