A Guilty Pleasure

Do you ever play the game where you imagine you've won the lottery and now you can spend all those imaginary millions to realize all your wildest dreams? (If you answered, "No", to this question then stop lying, you lying liar. Lies make baby Jesus cry. Go think about what you've done, in shame, for 15 minutes then you can come back to finish reading.) Of course, everyone has the basics - new cars, new houses, maybe something for the members of your family, maybe a domesticated tiger that could replace your car so you could be "greener", maybe a giant yacht that you can sail into international waters to wager on unsanctioned monkey knife fights. Basic fantasies all. A dime a dozen.

I think bigger. You know what I'd do? A new razor blade EVERYDAY!


Given their cost, I once thought razor blades must be made out of some rare, precious metal that can only be found by capturing asteroids from the Kuiper Belt. An entertaining, and informative, episode of How It's Made told me otherwise (and how lacrosse sticks are made), but the question remains. These are mass-produced, tiny strips of metal with some lotion on top, they weigh less than a feather, and they cost $10 each. WHY! And because they cost so much you use them until shaving just devolves into cutting off your top-most layer of skin, whiskers and all, with the same dull blade you've been using for the past 6 weeks*.

But now that I'm a make believe multi-millionaire that all ends! Shave, eject, new blade. Lather, rinse, repeat. I will be the most handsome and well-groomed millionaire the world has ever seen! The popular phrase "soft as a baby's behind" will be replaced with "soft as Ian's super awesome face". I will be a god among men, and I will look down with scorn upon those with razor burn.

And THAT'S how you spend your millions, suckers...

* = I don't want to hear any sass-mouth about just using an electric razor. Those things are worthless. They just move your skin around for 5 minutes and then you pull the razor back and it looks like someone was making crop circles in your beard. Just thinking about trying to shave using an electric razor - especially after an unusually hot and humid summer - makes me angry. I will use my fake millions to put Norelco, Remington, and Braun out of business!