7 varieties of poop

(This post is PG-13, due to content and explicit language.)

Everyone poops - it's just a fact of life - except girls, girls don't poop. I've compiled a list of certain types of poops or pooping afflictions that have bedeviled mankind since the beginning of time. They are listed below, in no particular order.


Poopus athleticus - The requirement to poop whenever athletic activities are set to begin; not limited to participation in the athletic activity.
Occassion:
When physical acticity causes a reaction whereby the body wishes to purge itself of unnecessary weight. This variety can occur before, during, or after the physical activity, but is most succesfully dealt with if dealt with before the activity begins.
Harmful side effects: pooping of pants during activity; diarrhea; poor athletic performance due to inabilty to block out fears or pooping pants; missing activity altogether due to pooping.
How this affected Ian: Ian once missed the first half of a McNicholas High School soccer game in which he was supposed to start because he had to poop.

Poopus fauna - The need to poop when encountering a natural ecosystem dominated by plants and wild animals.
Occassions:
Often occurs when walking in parks or nature reserves. Most common in travelers on vacations to areas of pristine natural beauty. May be brought on by mankinds desire to befoul anything of natural beauty. Usually occurs early on in entrance to the ecosystem, and subsequently ruins the trip due to wanting to see the park before pooping.
Harmful side effects: constipation; due to insufficient facilities possible wiping of bottom with unacceptable natural material resulting in a rash.

Poopus maximus - A very large poop.
Occassions:
Usually brought on by either delayed pooping or by eating an exceptionally large meal high in protein and fiber. Leads directly to Poopus uncontrollabus, and possibly to Poopus afraidicus. Characterized as being of one of two varieties: 1) a poop large in volume that requires multiple flushes in order to properly dispose; or 2) a single pooping action producing a very large sample that is painful to pass (the "large log" variety).
Harmful side effects: Strong possiblity to burst an O-ring; toilet blockage and overflow (disastrous if plunger is not readily available); grunting heard by friends and/or family; inabilty to disguise size of poop due to multiple flushing actions (if person is courteous) or extreme odor (if no "courtesy flushes" provided).

Poopus carnivorous - The bodily response after having eaten meat.
Occassions:
Normally the size of the meat is directly proportional to the size of the poop and the speed at which the eater is affected. Most commonly this affliction arises as a result of eating beef, though turkey, pork, and chicken afflictions have been documented. Depending on the portion of meat, Poopus maximus can be involved.
Harmful side effects: Large portions of meat are directly corrollated toward the second variety of Poopus maximus; sometimes need to purge leads to Poopus uncontrollabus, and must be dealt with in public places or inopportune times.
How this affected Ian: After once consuming 64oz. Porterhouse steaks at Chicago's Chop House, Ian and Colin befouled the Hotel Intercontinental. Oddly, the poop was delayed, almost taunting them to leave the hotel or take a walk in the park. Ian and Colin did not fall victim to such chicanery.

Poopus uncontrollabus - The inability to control or delay bowel movements.
Occassions:
This variety affects most every person at some time or another. Can be brought on by diets high in fiber, or extreme binge eating, especially of meat. Those affected cannot stop a bowel movement through physical means and must always be within shouting distance of a toilet.
Harmful side effects: leads to purges in less accomodating locations, such as Port-O-Potties, gas stations, and friends' or relatives' homes; inability to enter areas without public restrooms; high possibility to poop pants or "touch cloth".
How this affected Ian: Ian has had too many of these to mention in this limited space, but the worst involved a Reds game and Lunken airport. Reluctant to use the facilities at Great American Ballpark with all the Kentuckians, Ian believed he could "hold it" from downtown (in Reds traffic) to the Copperglow Compound. Despite some reckless and amazing driving by Colin, Ian could not "hold it". An emergency stop was required at Lunken Airfield. A momentary flash of Poopus afraidicus (see below) overcame Ian when he believed the Port-O-Let could potentially be home to a hobo or a raccoon; however that (very) quickly passed. The Port-O-Let in question will never be the same - mainly because it was pitch black and Ian did not realize the seat was down until he noticed some unfortunate "splattering".

Poopus afraidicus - A fear to poop.
Occassions:
Usually brought on by a specific situation or issue regarding one's location, accomodations, or accompaniment, this variety is the only known method of delaying Poopus uncontrollabus. The fear of pooping causes a sort of mental block in the afflicted, which is more successful than willpower or and physical means (pinching cheeks, plugs, meditation) at stopping a looming bowel movement. Thus, fear is stronger than desire.
Harmful side effects: does not stop the need to poop, and usually results in both Poopus uncontrollabus and Poopus maximus; can result in severe constipation, diarrhea, and sweating; eating any food high in fiber will overcome even fear, and can lead to immediate, explosive evacuation.
How this affected Ian: During their now legendary Boundary Waters vacation, Ian did not poop for 6+ days for fear of being bitten by a snake, raccoon, or bear during such an act. This incredible staying power resulted in us nearly being banned for life from Pizza Hut (see below).

Poopus mythicus - A mythical poop.
Occassions:
A Poopus mythicus is a poo so amazing that it must be described and talked about. Such excretions pass into myth based on their size or volume, but can also become legendary based on other factors. Loss of life, demise of the toilet and/or bathroom, extreme duress suffered by the owner of the afflicted bathroom, water damage caused by backups, and other unusual, unfortunate, or amazing situations can all create the Poopus mythicus.
Commonly heard about in bars and dirty humor, this type of poop can either be an excessive exaggeration, or a truly remarkable excretory event. In the case of bars, it is normally a scenario of one-ups-manship, whereby one patron tells of a true Poopus mythicus, and several others must have something better. However, a true Poopus mythicus substatiates itself and the creator of the mythicus knows the truth. All Poopus mythicus are characterized by harmful side effects in some degree.
Harmful side effects: destruction of property; loss of money due to repair costs; personal injury directly or indirectly caused by the bowel movement.
How this affected Ian: After not pooping for 6+ days in the wild of the Boundary Waters, Ian unleashed a now fabled poop at a Minnesota Pizza Hut. We will not go into the gory details about this epic excretory moment (Heffernans are gentlemen, after all), but if you could have been present to see the sad look on that poor Pizza Hut employee's face as he slowly pushed that mop and bucket into the restroom you would have known right then that you were witnessing history.