So, sadly, Thanksgiving has come and gone for another year. And as I shed a single, gravy-laden tear at the passing of my favorite holiday I reflect upon the damage done to my stomach. I'm not going to lie - over the last 5 days I ate more food than any healthy and rational human being should and probably could for that matter. I know I talked a pretty big game before the holiday, but I think I was able to back it up. Here's how it went down:
Skyline - 4 cheese coneys, with. Plus 3 bowls of oyster crackers and half of my wife's 3-way.
White Castle - Unfortunately, I just did not have the intestinal fortitude to stomach sliders, although I did lobby for them on several occasions. In it's stead, I had a reuben and 2 potato pancakes at Izzy's, quite possibly the best corned beef in the world.
Turkey - Not one, not two, but THREE(3) turkeys were cooked and eaten this year. A Heffernan family record! For those keeping score at home, they were 23lbs, 21lbs, and 13lbs. That's almost 60lbs of turkey! Gobble, gobble, indeed. Kudos go to Rival® for their excellent countertop turkey roaster, without which none of this gluttony would have been possible.
Fixings - Mashed potatos, sweet potatos, stuffing, green bean casserole, succotash. Not only did I help make them all, I ate them all.
Apple Pie - ...and custard, and pumpkin, and cherry, and blueberry, and pecan. If I could give multiple, fruit-encrusted checks, I would.
Alcohol - It gets a check, but not as big a check as I would've expected. I think we were all so full of turkey there was practically no room for booze. Sad, but true.
All in all, a wonderful holiday. Got to see the newest Heffernan addition, little Ava. Got to chill with the entire family by the fireside. Got to excel in the turkey bowl for another year. And got to indulge in my favorite foods. Now begins the long, painful week of withdrawl and purging. I feel like a recovering heroin addict breaking out into occasional gravy-sweats and turkey-induced shaking fits. But so is life for a Thanksgiving dynamo such as myself. Until next year - Vini, Vidi, Voro...
The Royal HeffernansQuite possibly the best family ever |
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Monday, November 28, 2005
Are You Kidding Me!?
So Notre Dame played and beat (a fact obviously overlooked by sportswriters) a game Stanford team this weekend. There wasn't much shake-up elsewhere on the college football landscape so you'd assume the rankings would stay the same for the most part, right? Wrong. Somehow, Notre Dame dropped in all three(3) human polls - #6 to #7 in the AP and Coaches, #5 to #7 in the Harris. In all three polls Ohio State jumped Notre Dame even though Ohio State did not play this weekend! No other teams in the top 10 had any movement.
This, put simply, is a joke. It is a spineless and cowardly response by sportswriters and coaches to all the whining by Ohio State and Oregon fans over the past few weeks. How can you punish a team for winning a game on the road in which they had over 300 more yards of total offense than their opponent (663 to 335) and in which they held their opponent to -11 rushing yards? Did Notre Dame look ugly? Yes, they did. But Stanford's record belies their talent and ability - much like some of Notre Dame's other opponents this season (MSU, Michigan, Purdue, Tennessee). They have decent talent, a good coach, it was their final game and a shot to salvage a sub-par season, and they had an emotional boost as this was to be the final game ever played in Stanford stadium. But here's the thing - Notre Dame still won the game. And if their kicker hadn't been wearing a Forrest Gump-esque brace on an obviously still-injured kicking leg this game would have never been in question. Notre Dame's poor kicking game directly resulted in 7 lost points for Notre Dame and 7 points for Stanford from a kick return touchdown. That's a 14 point swing. That's a 45-24 Notre Dame victory and three years back on my expected lifespan.
I get it - everyone who's opinion matters (at least with regards to the collegiate rankings) hates Notre Dame. But Notre Dame is going to a BCS bowl whether you like it or not, so dropping them 1-2 places in the polls isn't going to make a difference... hopefully. Notre Dame should earn a BCS bid because they won 9 games and will most likely finish in the top 12 of the BCS rankings (unless the sportswriters keep this crap up). With the exception of the national title game (and even that one to an extent), the BCS bowls exist solely to make money and, love or hate them, Notre Dame makes lots of money. If you want to cry foul about BCS bids talk to the conferences, where there still exists the possibility that a 4-loss Florida St. team can "earn" a BCS bid by knocking off Va. Tech in the ACC title game, a 4-loss Colorado team can "earn" a BCS bid by upsetting Texas in the Big 12 title game, and West Virginia "earned" a BCS bid by winning a Big East conference so weak that it took UConn knocking off South Florida to secure WVA's title. You can say what you will about Notre Dame, but you can't say they aren't deserving.
This, put simply, is a joke. It is a spineless and cowardly response by sportswriters and coaches to all the whining by Ohio State and Oregon fans over the past few weeks. How can you punish a team for winning a game on the road in which they had over 300 more yards of total offense than their opponent (663 to 335) and in which they held their opponent to -11 rushing yards? Did Notre Dame look ugly? Yes, they did. But Stanford's record belies their talent and ability - much like some of Notre Dame's other opponents this season (MSU, Michigan, Purdue, Tennessee). They have decent talent, a good coach, it was their final game and a shot to salvage a sub-par season, and they had an emotional boost as this was to be the final game ever played in Stanford stadium. But here's the thing - Notre Dame still won the game. And if their kicker hadn't been wearing a Forrest Gump-esque brace on an obviously still-injured kicking leg this game would have never been in question. Notre Dame's poor kicking game directly resulted in 7 lost points for Notre Dame and 7 points for Stanford from a kick return touchdown. That's a 14 point swing. That's a 45-24 Notre Dame victory and three years back on my expected lifespan.
I get it - everyone who's opinion matters (at least with regards to the collegiate rankings) hates Notre Dame. But Notre Dame is going to a BCS bowl whether you like it or not, so dropping them 1-2 places in the polls isn't going to make a difference... hopefully. Notre Dame should earn a BCS bid because they won 9 games and will most likely finish in the top 12 of the BCS rankings (unless the sportswriters keep this crap up). With the exception of the national title game (and even that one to an extent), the BCS bowls exist solely to make money and, love or hate them, Notre Dame makes lots of money. If you want to cry foul about BCS bids talk to the conferences, where there still exists the possibility that a 4-loss Florida St. team can "earn" a BCS bid by knocking off Va. Tech in the ACC title game, a 4-loss Colorado team can "earn" a BCS bid by upsetting Texas in the Big 12 title game, and West Virginia "earned" a BCS bid by winning a Big East conference so weak that it took UConn knocking off South Florida to secure WVA's title. You can say what you will about Notre Dame, but you can't say they aren't deserving.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Mega-church melee
Have you seen all of these evangelical Christian mega-churches popping up everywhere? The ones that buy 20,000-seat stadiums to offer services. I'm sure you have, as the monstrosities spring up anywhere a large collection of disenfranchised worhippers live. These Churches apparently give meaning to the lives of their worshippers by letting them see the power of faith in JE-SUS.
Here in Cincinnati, we have a few mega-churches that bear mentioning. Solid Rock Church on I-75N near Traders World is a new mega-Baptist church that many might call beautiful. It is a stone and column structure built on a man-made lake near the interstate, with plenty of open space and green grass inviting the lonely and lost to come find "The Way." Also inviting those same people is a "Giant Jesus" rising out of the ground as if from the grave. Giant Jesus is truly giant, with arms nearly 65 feet in height and a span of 42 feet between hands. Though Solid Rock Church's congregation is not overly large, its grandiose King of Kings statue has left little doubt as to its pastor's dreams.
The Crossroads Community Church is another mega-church in Cincinnati that has expanded dramatically in the past year. It originally took over a HomeGoods store on Madison Ave. and Ridge Rd. Since that time, Crossroads has added on nearly 4 times, and from Kevin's meager opinion, it looks as if the facility (because it's no longer a single building) has probably quintupled in size. Crossroads now features helpful traffic directors on Sundays, no less than 50 staff members (as per their website), and a congregation of thousands that believe the non-denominational Church has brought back the meaning to their otherwise uneventful and dissatisfying lives.
Now, Kevin is obviously not a fan of the mega-church means of providing spiritual nourishment. Kevin enjoys his Catholic faith, instilled in him by his parents through many years waking up for 7:30AM mass. Kevin believes that mega-churches are large gatherings of suckers bent on giving money to a few people who call themselves "pastors" and in return receiving the love and peace of JE-SUS. Personally, Kevin feels that JE-SUS will love you whether you give money or not, but hey, Kevin is just a simple man.
However, over the weekend another simple man (that is not Kevin) took offense to the Pastor Billy Joe Daugherty of Tulsa, OK. The man, we'll call him Parishioner, approached Billy Joe and managed to get off a strong right jab before he was taken down by security. While no reports as yet tell why the pugnacious parishioner punched Daugherty, Kevin believes the reasons are threefold:
Here in Cincinnati, we have a few mega-churches that bear mentioning. Solid Rock Church on I-75N near Traders World is a new mega-Baptist church that many might call beautiful. It is a stone and column structure built on a man-made lake near the interstate, with plenty of open space and green grass inviting the lonely and lost to come find "The Way." Also inviting those same people is a "Giant Jesus" rising out of the ground as if from the grave. Giant Jesus is truly giant, with arms nearly 65 feet in height and a span of 42 feet between hands. Though Solid Rock Church's congregation is not overly large, its grandiose King of Kings statue has left little doubt as to its pastor's dreams.The Crossroads Community Church is another mega-church in Cincinnati that has expanded dramatically in the past year. It originally took over a HomeGoods store on Madison Ave. and Ridge Rd. Since that time, Crossroads has added on nearly 4 times, and from Kevin's meager opinion, it looks as if the facility (because it's no longer a single building) has probably quintupled in size. Crossroads now features helpful traffic directors on Sundays, no less than 50 staff members (as per their website), and a congregation of thousands that believe the non-denominational Church has brought back the meaning to their otherwise uneventful and dissatisfying lives.
Now, Kevin is obviously not a fan of the mega-church means of providing spiritual nourishment. Kevin enjoys his Catholic faith, instilled in him by his parents through many years waking up for 7:30AM mass. Kevin believes that mega-churches are large gatherings of suckers bent on giving money to a few people who call themselves "pastors" and in return receiving the love and peace of JE-SUS. Personally, Kevin feels that JE-SUS will love you whether you give money or not, but hey, Kevin is just a simple man.
However, over the weekend another simple man (that is not Kevin) took offense to the Pastor Billy Joe Daugherty of Tulsa, OK. The man, we'll call him Parishioner, approached Billy Joe and managed to get off a strong right jab before he was taken down by security. While no reports as yet tell why the pugnacious parishioner punched Daugherty, Kevin believes the reasons are threefold:- Daugherty refused to drive the evil spirits from Parishioner's body.
- Parishioner's wife and daughter had left him to enter Daugherty's personal harem.
- After thousands of dollars in donations to Daugherty's church, Parishioner was enraged that he had only achieved Operating Thetan level III.
Kevin says kudos to you, Parishioner! Kevin's only regret was that the left uppercut that was the second part of the combo never landed. Honestly, do these Churches really have the power of faith they claim to have? If Billy Joe Daugherty really had the power of JE-SUS beside him, do you think Parishioner could have landed that punch? Or if he had really been a follower of Christ, shouldn't Daugherty have let Parishioner hit him again? JE-SUS did tell his true followers to turn the other cheek! Mega-churches may be the new wave of religion, but Kevin believes that this recent episode just goes to show that Jesus doesn't like mega-churches any more than Parishioner.
Monday, November 21, 2005
'Tis the Season - Only 40 Days Left!!!
The following is an actual conversation between Father John I. Jenkins, president of the University of Notre Dame, and myself, Class of 1997.Jenkie: Well, it's that time of year for the Notre Dame family.
Ted: Holidays?
Jenkie: Of course, but that's not what I mean. I'm talking ND football.
Ted: Oh right! We're going to the Fiesta Bowl! Weis has us back in form for a BCS spot in only his first year. We are AWESOME!
Jenkie: Yes Ted, we rock - even more so than the one Peter built his Church on. But that's not the point.
Ted: So who is it going to be Padre? Are we going to get Penn State, Ohio State or Oregon? What word do you have from the big man upstairs?
Jenkie: Well, Father Hesburgh is recovering from a bad fall, so he isn't really thinking about football right now. Besides, all pious Notre Dame faculty are thinking of more important things.
Ted: I mean God! Any ideas about who we'll face?
Jenkie: Of course, God says that it doesn't matter. We should just be proud of playing our best football and look forward to any worthy rival in Tempe. But...
Ted: I knew it! What else are you getting?
Jenkie: Getting back to the point of my first statement...
Ted: Yeah, it's that time of year, I know. What is it!?
Jenkie: Well, only the most important thing. It's time to make your annual contribution to the Notre Dame Alumni Association!Ted: I should know better than to talk to a CSC priest.
Jenkie: Our football team is really good! I gave you your new coach - despite a public outcry!
Ted: But I have to pay $100 now since I graduated in 1997!
Jenkie: But think about the ticket lottery. You would be able to buy tickets for next years home games!
Ted: But I might not be able to make any. Besides, most people never get what they want anyway!
Jenkie: Think about the chance to go to the National Championship game next year. God says we're a lock! So does Hesburgh.
Ted: I would be there! Where is it?
Jenkie: The Fiesta Bowl - again.
Ted: Tempe, again! Can't we ever play anywhere else?
Jenkie: We have a pretty good track record there! Just go ahead. Click the link and donate. It's your obligation! Remember, donations must be received by December 31, 2005 to be eligible for next year.
Ted: Okay padre, you got me.
Jenkie: Can I interest you in a Sorin Society membership? It's only $1000.
Ted: Uh, no.
Reactionary Reporting
Gotta love how quickly sportwriters forget the past. Here's a quote from ESPN.com's Dan Shanoff,
"Fresno gave USC its toughest game of the season"
Ummm. I watched this game. USC was up by 2 touchdowns at several points in the game. Fresno St. fought back, sort of, but still would've needed a last gasp touchdown AND a 2 point conversion just to send this game into overtime. Reggie Bush alone but up over 500 yards of offense against Fresno. Here's a helpful formula for sportwriters at home:
Meanwhile, USC needed their own last-second heroics to beat Notre Dame just one month ago. If they don't convert a 4th and 9 from their own 30 and Matt Leinart doesn't intentionally fumble out of bounds with 3 seconds left and Reggie Bush doesn't illegally push Leinart in for the winning touchdown as time expires, no one cares that Fresno hung 42 on USC Saturday night. But whatever, I'm not bitter or anything...
"Fresno gave USC its toughest game of the season"
Ummm. I watched this game. USC was up by 2 touchdowns at several points in the game. Fresno St. fought back, sort of, but still would've needed a last gasp touchdown AND a 2 point conversion just to send this game into overtime. Reggie Bush alone but up over 500 yards of offense against Fresno. Here's a helpful formula for sportwriters at home:
Scoring 42 on USC ≠ Challenging USC
USC averages like 87 points per game (± 37 points). There's no doubt they can score. That's why all you forgetful sportwriters kept proclaiming them the best offensive college football team of all-time. Remember?
Meanwhile, USC needed their own last-second heroics to beat Notre Dame just one month ago. If they don't convert a 4th and 9 from their own 30 and Matt Leinart doesn't intentionally fumble out of bounds with 3 seconds left and Reggie Bush doesn't illegally push Leinart in for the winning touchdown as time expires, no one cares that Fresno hung 42 on USC Saturday night. But whatever, I'm not bitter or anything...
SLUUURP!
... that was the noise emanating from Jim Nantz and Phil Simms every time the camera focused on Peyton Manning in Sunday's game versus the Bengals. Seriously, can people please stop drooling over the reincarnation of Dan Marino, i.e. all stats, no rings. Yeah, great, Peyton calls all his plays no-huddle and changes them every time at the line. Awesome, Peyton can audible and make checks to keep the defense off-balance. We get it. Peyton's an above-average quarterback in the NFL.
I love how the announcers are always saying, "Look how winded the defense is! This no-hubble offense just doesn't let them make adjustments and substitutions!" when the Colts run that no-hubble offense. Don't you think the offense is pretty fucking tired too?! I mean, they're the ones having to concentrate as Peyton audibles through a half-dozen different plays signaled via some sort of epileptic mime song-and-dance that combines elements of Indian smoke signals, American Sign Langauge, and semiphore. Last I checked, the Colts aren't making any substitutions either. Are they on some sort of freak conditioning program that makes them impervious to fatigue during football games? What am I missing here? Ask Edge James is he's not tired after Peyton audibles 8 straight running plays up the gut.
The other thing I don't understand is Peyton's wanton disregard of his coaching staff. Phil Simms calls it respect and responsibility and leadership, I call it defiance and arrogance. He blatantly ignores his coaches' decisions and Simms proclaims his the reincarnation of Christ:
Exhibit A: Midway through the 2nd quarter, Colts up 21-17 and facing 4th down just inside Bengals territory. Colts head coach Tony Dungy began to send on the punt team. Peyton, with his giant head (both literally and figuratively), vehemently waived them off the field and went for it. RESULT: Colts 1st down (and eventual touchdown)
Exhibit B: 4th quarter, Colts up 42-34 and deep in Bengals territory, Dungy tries to send in some offensive substitutes and Manning disgustedly waives them back to the sidelines. RESULT: Bengals stuff Colts and force a field goal.
The consequences of Manning's decisions aren't as important as the fact that he got away with them and his utter contempt in doing so. NFL quarterbacks are, by nature, cocky. They must be in order to gain the respect of their team and handle the scrutiny that comes with the position. But on one side you have Tom Brady, who is a helluva quarterback, who listens to his coach, makes great play after great play, and has 3 super bowl rings and on the other you have Peyton, with his NFL records, making all his own calls, defying his coaches and owning 0 rings. You think Belichick or Parcells or Gruden would put up with Peyton ignoring their calls? He'd be sitting pine for a few plays just out of principle. The look on Mannings's face in both cases showed that he has no respect for the decisions of his coaches. Dungy, for his own sake, better tighten the reigns on Peyton or the Polians may begin to think he's expendable. I mean, who's running the show - Dungy or Peyton? Because by all appearances the Colts coaching staff has zero say in how their offense is managed.
So now we have another week of Manning ass-kissing now coupled with talk of a possible undefeated season by the Colts. Whoopee! Add to that the 9 million or so interviews that Nick Buonicotti is bound to give saying how great the '72 Dolphins were and I am officially in hell...
I love how the announcers are always saying, "Look how winded the defense is! This no-hubble offense just doesn't let them make adjustments and substitutions!" when the Colts run that no-hubble offense. Don't you think the offense is pretty fucking tired too?! I mean, they're the ones having to concentrate as Peyton audibles through a half-dozen different plays signaled via some sort of epileptic mime song-and-dance that combines elements of Indian smoke signals, American Sign Langauge, and semiphore. Last I checked, the Colts aren't making any substitutions either. Are they on some sort of freak conditioning program that makes them impervious to fatigue during football games? What am I missing here? Ask Edge James is he's not tired after Peyton audibles 8 straight running plays up the gut.
The other thing I don't understand is Peyton's wanton disregard of his coaching staff. Phil Simms calls it respect and responsibility and leadership, I call it defiance and arrogance. He blatantly ignores his coaches' decisions and Simms proclaims his the reincarnation of Christ:
Exhibit A: Midway through the 2nd quarter, Colts up 21-17 and facing 4th down just inside Bengals territory. Colts head coach Tony Dungy began to send on the punt team. Peyton, with his giant head (both literally and figuratively), vehemently waived them off the field and went for it. RESULT: Colts 1st down (and eventual touchdown)
Exhibit B: 4th quarter, Colts up 42-34 and deep in Bengals territory, Dungy tries to send in some offensive substitutes and Manning disgustedly waives them back to the sidelines. RESULT: Bengals stuff Colts and force a field goal.
The consequences of Manning's decisions aren't as important as the fact that he got away with them and his utter contempt in doing so. NFL quarterbacks are, by nature, cocky. They must be in order to gain the respect of their team and handle the scrutiny that comes with the position. But on one side you have Tom Brady, who is a helluva quarterback, who listens to his coach, makes great play after great play, and has 3 super bowl rings and on the other you have Peyton, with his NFL records, making all his own calls, defying his coaches and owning 0 rings. You think Belichick or Parcells or Gruden would put up with Peyton ignoring their calls? He'd be sitting pine for a few plays just out of principle. The look on Mannings's face in both cases showed that he has no respect for the decisions of his coaches. Dungy, for his own sake, better tighten the reigns on Peyton or the Polians may begin to think he's expendable. I mean, who's running the show - Dungy or Peyton? Because by all appearances the Colts coaching staff has zero say in how their offense is managed.
So now we have another week of Manning ass-kissing now coupled with talk of a possible undefeated season by the Colts. Whoopee! Add to that the 9 million or so interviews that Nick Buonicotti is bound to give saying how great the '72 Dolphins were and I am officially in hell...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Hollywood - Friend or Foe?
In recent years, Hollywood has become stuck in a rut. Following a pattern as formulaic as some of its sorry excuses for entertainment, the movie year begins in March. This is the preseason. The big studios release low budget action titles, romantic comedies just in time for Valentines Day, and long shots, hoping for lightning in a bottle. Without the imposing mega-budget hits to compete with, one stand-out could earn a bundle of cash. Recent examples of the springtime hit include action flop XXX: State of the Union, romantic comedy Hitch, and who could forget Constantine.
The next Hollywood season is summer. As everyone has now realized, summer is the time of year Hollywood throws a ton of "blockbuster" releases out. Each weekend, a new title is carefully wedged into release in a careful plan to be the #1 movie for that week. Of course, only 2 or 3 movies hold onto that spot because a bigger and badder blockbuster is always ready the following week. Of course, each movie comes complete with a fast food tie-in, action figures for sale at Toys-R-Us, and a video game. The goal of the studios is to create the Holy Grail of the film industry, "The Franchise." A big enough hit means sequels and more money! This list is long, but this summer offered us The Revenge of the Sith, Fantastic Four, War of the Worlds, and Jennifer Aniston's fav Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
After the summer season comes the worst time of the year, late summer. These are the pseudo-blockbusters that were so bad, the studios knew they couldn't compete in the summer. They usually were pushed back from an earlier release date and most should have been pushed back to NEVER! This year offered The Dukes of Hazzard, The Cave, and perhaps an all-time worst nominee Stealth.
A brief pause in the year ensues before 20 horror genre flicks are released leading up to Halloween. The big winner this year was Saw 2, but only because Freddy Kreuger, Jason Voorhies and Michael Myers have overstayed their welcome with 26 titles between them!
Finally, the winter movie season arrives with the "Oscar contenders." The studios rush to release the artsy hits critics drool over and swing their Oscar compaigns into high gear. This year the competition is tough with Munich, Syriana, Walk the Line, and The Producers all tying to be the next Million Dollar Baby. The season concludes with the Oscars in February hosted by either Billy Crystal or a complete boob.
However, every once in awhile we do get a surprise. One of the best movies ever shocked the world with a Spring release, The Matrix. Warner reimagined the Batman franchise in style with Batman Begins this year. Scream almost single handedly brought the horror genre back to life. Finally, winter is the season for Peter Jackson's annual release - King Kong this time around. That guy is golden.
So why do I bring this up? Every once in awhile, a movie captures the imagination. The build up makes you mark opening day on your calender. You brave the crowds to see the show that first night. Then, the movie actually delivers! In the upcoming year, some big releases are planned. Mission: Impossible 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, The Da Vinci Code, X-Men 3 and Transformers. However, I defy you to show me any trailer that makes your hair stand on end like the teaser for this one. Will it deliver? I don't know, but I'll be there June 30, 2006 to find out. Click the picture below to see this one. Yes, that's Brando. Yes that's John Williams score! AWESOME!
Monday, November 14, 2005
SEC - Chicken or the Egg?
So this past weekend was a big one for SEC football. Alabama, ranked #4, had its BCS title hopes on the line at home against 5th ranked LSU and 9th ranked Georgia was hoping to stay in the BCS picture against #15 Auburn. Being that I live it Virginia, albeit northern Virginia, I was subjected to both of these games on television and came to this conclusion - the SEC stinks.
Whenever the so-called college football experts speak of the SEC it's all about defense - tough defense, swarming defense, and my personal favorite "punch you in the mouth" defenses. And the statistics seem to back that up - the SEC has 5 teams in the top 20 for scoring defense in 2005 - Alabama (1), LSU (4), Auburn (7), Georgia (10), and Tennessee (19). In addition, the SEC also boasts 5 teams in the top 20 in total defense - Alabama (3), Florida (8), LSU (9), Tennessee (12), and Auburn (15).
Pretty impressive, right? Well, have you ever heard the old saying, "The best offense is a good defense"? In the case of the SEC it's more like "The best defense is an incredibly inept and floundering opposing offense quarterbacked by Helen Keller's less physically talented, blinder, and lesser known sister".
If one were to look at the 2005 offensive statistics (and believe me, in the case of the SEC they are offensive), the SEC has only 3 teams in the top 50 in scoring offense - Auburn (15), LSU (39), and Georgia (tie 48). In addition, they only have 3 teams in the top 50 in total offense - Auburn (23), Georgia (26), and Vanderbilt (48). There are 12 teams in the SEC, boasting such storied programs as Alabama, Georgia, LSU, Florida, Tennesse, and Auburn - and the 3rd most prolific offense belongs to Vanderbilt? Really? Vanderbilt? Seriously, the Commodores? Where's that high-flying offense of Urban Meyer's at Florida? What happened to pre-season #3 Tennessee?
My hypothesis - the SEC's defenses look better than advertised because they're playing against high school level offenses week-in, week-out. Do I have any proof to substantiate this hypothesis? Precious little besides my own well-honed college football eye and the results of one game pitting a highly rated SEC defense against a highly rated non-SEC offense, Tennessee v. Notre Dame. Now granted, Tennessee is having a down year (although they were ranked #3 in the pre-season so how bad could they really be? Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver? I hear someone choking...), but that's more due to the fact that Danny Ainge and Rick Clausen would both be backups on my flag football team and Gerald Riggs, Jr. lost his leg in a tragic tractor combine accident in week 4 (or he just sprained an ankle, the SEC injury reports are notoriously vague). So Tennessee comes in to South Bend needing a win to right their sinking ship and keep hope alive for a bowl bid and all Notre Dame does is hang 27 offense points on them (42 overall) and sends them home with their tails between their legs. An SEC-based (or -biased, take your pick) media member tried to bait Tennessee head coach Philip Fulmer after the game by asking how he thought Notre Dame would fair if it were a member of the SEC. Probably hoping for an answer along the lines of, "Hoo golly, Bobby John! They'd stink worse than a skunk dun got hit by momma's Chevy and served fer dinner!" Translation: Their fancy pants offense would get eaten alive by the SEC defenses. Instead he got, "I think they'd be one of the elite teams in the league every year". Translation: They'd probably kick the crap out of everyone else like they just kicked the crap out of us. Oops! That backfired...
There's a reason why the SEC team has been on the outside looking in for BCS title contention the past few years - Auburn, LSU, and Alabama this year (before losing to LSU) - it's because they voters aren't buying the whole "The games are low scoring because our defenses are so good... We swear!"-excuse. The voters (and computers for that matter) see the SEC for what it is - a passed by league that still hasn't adopted the forward pass as a viable offensive option and tries to live on its past laurels and reputation. Once they switch this thinking though (and shy away from quarterbacks name Brodie, Cody, Billy Joe, and Shane) they'll be a force to be reckoned with due to their ability to recruit talent based on reputation, idyllic campuses, and a willingness to look the other way when boosters buy athletes (and by athletes I mean male football players) new SUVs. Until then however, the USCs, Texas's, and Notre Dames of the world will hang 40+ on them any day of the week and twice on Sunday (just once on Sunday for Notre Dame - because they're at church). Enjoy the Outback Bowl, SEC!
Whenever the so-called college football experts speak of the SEC it's all about defense - tough defense, swarming defense, and my personal favorite "punch you in the mouth" defenses. And the statistics seem to back that up - the SEC has 5 teams in the top 20 for scoring defense in 2005 - Alabama (1), LSU (4), Auburn (7), Georgia (10), and Tennessee (19). In addition, the SEC also boasts 5 teams in the top 20 in total defense - Alabama (3), Florida (8), LSU (9), Tennessee (12), and Auburn (15).
Pretty impressive, right? Well, have you ever heard the old saying, "The best offense is a good defense"? In the case of the SEC it's more like "The best defense is an incredibly inept and floundering opposing offense quarterbacked by Helen Keller's less physically talented, blinder, and lesser known sister".
If one were to look at the 2005 offensive statistics (and believe me, in the case of the SEC they are offensive), the SEC has only 3 teams in the top 50 in scoring offense - Auburn (15), LSU (39), and Georgia (tie 48). In addition, they only have 3 teams in the top 50 in total offense - Auburn (23), Georgia (26), and Vanderbilt (48). There are 12 teams in the SEC, boasting such storied programs as Alabama, Georgia, LSU, Florida, Tennesse, and Auburn - and the 3rd most prolific offense belongs to Vanderbilt? Really? Vanderbilt? Seriously, the Commodores? Where's that high-flying offense of Urban Meyer's at Florida? What happened to pre-season #3 Tennessee?
My hypothesis - the SEC's defenses look better than advertised because they're playing against high school level offenses week-in, week-out. Do I have any proof to substantiate this hypothesis? Precious little besides my own well-honed college football eye and the results of one game pitting a highly rated SEC defense against a highly rated non-SEC offense, Tennessee v. Notre Dame. Now granted, Tennessee is having a down year (although they were ranked #3 in the pre-season so how bad could they really be? Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver? I hear someone choking...), but that's more due to the fact that Danny Ainge and Rick Clausen would both be backups on my flag football team and Gerald Riggs, Jr. lost his leg in a tragic tractor combine accident in week 4 (or he just sprained an ankle, the SEC injury reports are notoriously vague). So Tennessee comes in to South Bend needing a win to right their sinking ship and keep hope alive for a bowl bid and all Notre Dame does is hang 27 offense points on them (42 overall) and sends them home with their tails between their legs. An SEC-based (or -biased, take your pick) media member tried to bait Tennessee head coach Philip Fulmer after the game by asking how he thought Notre Dame would fair if it were a member of the SEC. Probably hoping for an answer along the lines of, "Hoo golly, Bobby John! They'd stink worse than a skunk dun got hit by momma's Chevy and served fer dinner!" Translation: Their fancy pants offense would get eaten alive by the SEC defenses. Instead he got, "I think they'd be one of the elite teams in the league every year". Translation: They'd probably kick the crap out of everyone else like they just kicked the crap out of us. Oops! That backfired...
There's a reason why the SEC team has been on the outside looking in for BCS title contention the past few years - Auburn, LSU, and Alabama this year (before losing to LSU) - it's because they voters aren't buying the whole "The games are low scoring because our defenses are so good... We swear!"-excuse. The voters (and computers for that matter) see the SEC for what it is - a passed by league that still hasn't adopted the forward pass as a viable offensive option and tries to live on its past laurels and reputation. Once they switch this thinking though (and shy away from quarterbacks name Brodie, Cody, Billy Joe, and Shane) they'll be a force to be reckoned with due to their ability to recruit talent based on reputation, idyllic campuses, and a willingness to look the other way when boosters buy athletes (and by athletes I mean male football players) new SUVs. Until then however, the USCs, Texas's, and Notre Dames of the world will hang 40+ on them any day of the week and twice on Sunday (just once on Sunday for Notre Dame - because they're at church). Enjoy the Outback Bowl, SEC!
Friday, November 11, 2005
Irish Emotion
As we arrive at the November portion of the ND football schedule, the Irish are looking good for a BCS bowl. Will it be Fiesta or Orange, Tempe or Miami? Tough call, but I for one am hoping for a Catholics vs Convicts IV matchup. Despite our turnaround, watching a Notre Dame game still is an experience. A series of emotions are evoked which are universally shared by those who love the Irish, and universally ridiculed by those who do not! Now that we have almost a complete season under our belt, and I felt it appropriate to summarize the Irish Emotions below.
Preseason Joy
Not to be confused with our matriarch, this is the feeling we all share beginning in the spring around the Blue Gold game. It continues on through the summer as we recieve our tickets won through the lottery, and builds to a frenzy as fall practice begins. This is the time when anything is possible; National Championship, Heisman Trophy, preseason rankings, top recruits signing up. It's one of the best times to be an Irish fan.
Emotion personified: Charlie Bucket
1989: We are defending National Champs, and have everyone returning, including Heisman candidate Tony Rice. It almost makes you want to sing, "I've got a golden ticket!"
Expectant Satisfaction
This is when we get those nice wins against Navy, Purdue, Washington and others. It feels good to watch the ga
me, but you can't be too happy because you were supposed to win it. Watching the game is a pleasant experience, and maybe you even flip around to check some other scores during commercials. Afterwards, you are able to carry on like any other normal day.
Emotion personified: Charles Montgomery Burns
1996: Navy game on Nov 2, my senior year. A nice 54-27 win on the road. Excellent Smithers, it's all going according to plan!
I Can't Watch This Anymore
This emotion, pioneered and perfected by Dad, occurs when the trainwreck seems imminent. You see the little mistakes, and they begin to add up. Something bad is coming and you just can't take it anymore. Not dissimilar to watching a bad horror movie, you yell at the screen, get up and walk away. For most Irish fans, this
occurs somewhere just after halftime. For Dad, 8 minutes into the first quarter.
Emotion personified: Gone fishing
2005: Tennessee game on Nov 5. After ND gets out to an early lead, Tennessee ties it at 21 in the third quarter. It was a great 4th quarter Dad!
Terrible Loss Rage
These are the losses that sting. Not your loss to Michigan at the Big House, or a tough loss on the road in West Lafayette. I'm talking just getting your hat handed to you. It's so bad, you just can't turn it off. Maybe the next few days you're embarrassed to wear any ND gear out in public. Eventually, the sting fades and anger builds up. These are the losses that usually lead to a coach getting the axe. They also lead to my former roommate throwing knives and breaking videos!
Emotion personified: The Incredible Hulk
1985: Miami game on Nov 30. Jimmy Johnson pours it on, scoring early and often at Miami. The final score is 58-7. Gerry Faust resigns after the season.
Glorious Victory High
These are those great games during which time stops, the stars align and the luck of the Irish leads to jubilation. Everything goes our way leading to pure joy. Typically dubbed The Game of the Century, ESPN Gameday is usually nearby. Very closely related to Terrible Loss Rage, the distinguishing factor is that we win! Post-game celebrations are the stuff of legends. Winning a Heisman also fall into this category.
Emotion personified: Wilbur "Shooter" Flatch
1992: JoePa and the Nittany Lions come to South Bend Nov 14 during a snowstorm. Trailing
late, Rick Mirer leads a 4th quarter comeback capped by a TD pass to Bettis and a two-point conversion to Reggie Brooks for a 17-16 win. Recovering alcoholic assistant coaches everywhere jump around on their beds like crazy men!
National Championship Ecstasy
Only occurring twice in my lifetime (only one of which I was old enough to be aware of), this is why we follow Notre Dame football. Ideally, any ND alum must drop everything and make a pilgrimage to the site of the title game. For those unable to attend, a HUGE party is thrown to watch the game. The party does not end until the next season begins. An unavoidable side-effect, this emotion causes all previously described emotions to intensify.
Emotion personified: General Zod
1988: ND beats Major Harris and the Mountaineers in the Fiesta Bowl on Jan 2 to win it's 11th consensus National Championship. Of course we were #1 in a final poll in 8 other seasons, but who's counting. All powerful and deserving of worship... Kneel Before the Irish!
Going Toonces
The most dreaded of all emotions, this is reserved for those losses that will live on in infamy. It starts with the highest of highs, always closely following Glorious Victory High detailed above. Usually, you are still celebrating. Everyone is all smiles, and it's just a beautiful day to be Irish.
Soon, it becomes painfully obvious that something is wrong. The party is over, but there is still a chance to salvage the day. The tantalizing National Championship Ecstasy is still within reach. With new resolve, every fiber of your being focuses on the task at hand even while realizing that it's going to end very badly. Usually prayers are begun.
Then it's all over. Crash and burn. Tears are unavoidable. All clothing and paraphanelia associated with the game must be destroyed. Those around you speak at their own risk. Usually, one unusual occurance associated with the game bears the irrational blame. The polar opposite of National Championship Ecstasy, all other emotions are subsequently tempered - at least until the voices in your head stop!
Emotion personified: Toonces the driving cat
1993: After winning the most recent Game of the Century against Florida State the previous week, the Irish are ranked #1 and headed for a 12th national title. It all ends on Nov 20 when BC beats us 41-39 on a last second field goal. Damn you Tracy Weaver - it's all your fault for coming to that game!
Preseason Joy
Not to be confused with our matriarch, this is the feeling we all share beginning in the spring around the Blue Gold game. It continues on through the summer as we recieve our tickets won through the lottery, and builds to a frenzy as fall practice begins. This is the time when anything is possible; National Championship, Heisman Trophy, preseason rankings, top recruits signing up. It's one of the best times to be an Irish fan.
Emotion personified: Charlie Bucket
1989: We are defending National Champs, and have everyone returning, including Heisman candidate Tony Rice. It almost makes you want to sing, "I've got a golden ticket!"
Expectant Satisfaction
This is when we get those nice wins against Navy, Purdue, Washington and others. It feels good to watch the ga
me, but you can't be too happy because you were supposed to win it. Watching the game is a pleasant experience, and maybe you even flip around to check some other scores during commercials. Afterwards, you are able to carry on like any other normal day.Emotion personified: Charles Montgomery Burns
1996: Navy game on Nov 2, my senior year. A nice 54-27 win on the road. Excellent Smithers, it's all going according to plan!
I Can't Watch This Anymore
This emotion, pioneered and perfected by Dad, occurs when the trainwreck seems imminent. You see the little mistakes, and they begin to add up. Something bad is coming and you just can't take it anymore. Not dissimilar to watching a bad horror movie, you yell at the screen, get up and walk away. For most Irish fans, this
occurs somewhere just after halftime. For Dad, 8 minutes into the first quarter.Emotion personified: Gone fishing
2005: Tennessee game on Nov 5. After ND gets out to an early lead, Tennessee ties it at 21 in the third quarter. It was a great 4th quarter Dad!
Terrible Loss Rage
These are the losses that sting. Not your loss to Michigan at the Big House, or a tough loss on the road in West Lafayette. I'm talking just getting your hat handed to you. It's so bad, you just can't turn it off. Maybe the next few days you're embarrassed to wear any ND gear out in public. Eventually, the sting fades and anger builds up. These are the losses that usually lead to a coach getting the axe. They also lead to my former roommate throwing knives and breaking videos!
Emotion personified: The Incredible Hulk1985: Miami game on Nov 30. Jimmy Johnson pours it on, scoring early and often at Miami. The final score is 58-7. Gerry Faust resigns after the season.
Glorious Victory High
These are those great games during which time stops, the stars align and the luck of the Irish leads to jubilation. Everything goes our way leading to pure joy. Typically dubbed The Game of the Century, ESPN Gameday is usually nearby. Very closely related to Terrible Loss Rage, the distinguishing factor is that we win! Post-game celebrations are the stuff of legends. Winning a Heisman also fall into this category.
Emotion personified: Wilbur "Shooter" Flatch
1992: JoePa and the Nittany Lions come to South Bend Nov 14 during a snowstorm. Trailing
late, Rick Mirer leads a 4th quarter comeback capped by a TD pass to Bettis and a two-point conversion to Reggie Brooks for a 17-16 win. Recovering alcoholic assistant coaches everywhere jump around on their beds like crazy men!National Championship Ecstasy
Only occurring twice in my lifetime (only one of which I was old enough to be aware of), this is why we follow Notre Dame football. Ideally, any ND alum must drop everything and make a pilgrimage to the site of the title game. For those unable to attend, a HUGE party is thrown to watch the game. The party does not end until the next season begins. An unavoidable side-effect, this emotion causes all previously described emotions to intensify.
Emotion personified: General Zod
1988: ND beats Major Harris and the Mountaineers in the Fiesta Bowl on Jan 2 to win it's 11th consensus National Championship. Of course we were #1 in a final poll in 8 other seasons, but who's counting. All powerful and deserving of worship... Kneel Before the Irish!
Going Toonces
The most dreaded of all emotions, this is reserved for those losses that will live on in infamy. It starts with the highest of highs, always closely following Glorious Victory High detailed above. Usually, you are still celebrating. Everyone is all smiles, and it's just a beautiful day to be Irish.
Soon, it becomes painfully obvious that something is wrong. The party is over, but there is still a chance to salvage the day. The tantalizing National Championship Ecstasy is still within reach. With new resolve, every fiber of your being focuses on the task at hand even while realizing that it's going to end very badly. Usually prayers are begun.
Then it's all over. Crash and burn. Tears are unavoidable. All clothing and paraphanelia associated with the game must be destroyed. Those around you speak at their own risk. Usually, one unusual occurance associated with the game bears the irrational blame. The polar opposite of National Championship Ecstasy, all other emotions are subsequently tempered - at least until the voices in your head stop!Emotion personified: Toonces the driving cat
1993: After winning the most recent Game of the Century against Florida State the previous week, the Irish are ranked #1 and headed for a 12th national title. It all ends on Nov 20 when BC beats us 41-39 on a last second field goal. Damn you Tracy Weaver - it's all your fault for coming to that game!
Intelligent Design Peaks in the Heffernans
Let's think about this intelligently: Heffernans are more intelligent than any other family. You may think that I'm making this up, or professing outrageous lies in saying that no family is better than the Heffernans, but truly, I'm not. A good measure of a family's intelligence is education. Here's the Heffernans' (apostrophe used correctly, as I'm showing plural possesion (another Heffernan skill, correct grammar)) educational background:
That's a total of 21 degrees for the 11 Heffernans with the ability to speak. If you don't understand what all those degrees stand for, it's just another reason why Heffernans are more intelligent than you!
- 4 BBA's
- 3 BA's
- 3 BS's
- 2 MD's
- 1 JD
- 1 M IS
- 1 M Eng.
- 1 M Hea. Adm.
- 1 M Nuc. Eng.
- 1 MMkt
- and we're currently working on: 1 JD, 1 MAcct. and 1 MBA
That's a total of 21 degrees for the 11 Heffernans with the ability to speak. If you don't understand what all those degrees stand for, it's just another reason why Heffernans are more intelligent than you!
Putting the World on Notice
I'm not to going to mince words here, our new blog is the best thing since sliced bread. After initially reviewing the page, I had a number of thoughts. First, I noticed the same error that Dad posted about below. That grammatical error had been bothering me since our fantasy league adopted the name two years ago. I was about to make a correction, but our fearless leader beat me to it.
However, I still feel homage must be paid to our namesake and his clan. For the non-fantasy sports initiated, The Royal Heffernans dates back to a fantasy baseball league 2 years ago which I formed along with Ian, Colin, Kevin and other friends. Of course the Heffernans dominated the standings before taking the title. The name has continued on in fantasy lore through one baseball and three football seasons. Needless to say, no league bearing the name has ever seen a non Heffernan win.
Next, I loved the content. The first few posts have been awesome, so hopefully we can keep up the good work. However, I felt the site needed a little sprucing up. I revised the formatting, updated the links, added our crest and gave us an address bar icon. It's all in the details!
Finally, what Heffernan website would be complete without a family portrait? 12 Tenenbaums, 12 Heffernans. Coincidence, I think not. It's obvious our blog is about to explode into the public consciousness. Are we ready for it? Of course, we're The Royal Heffernans!
Framed portraits available on request!
However, I still feel homage must be paid to our namesake and his clan. For the non-fantasy sports initiated, The Royal Heffernans dates back to a fantasy baseball league 2 years ago which I formed along with Ian, Colin, Kevin and other friends. Of course the Heffernans dominated the standings before taking the title. The name has continued on in fantasy lore through one baseball and three football seasons. Needless to say, no league bearing the name has ever seen a non Heffernan win.Next, I loved the content. The first few posts have been awesome, so hopefully we can keep up the good work. However, I felt the site needed a little sprucing up. I revised the formatting, updated the links, added our crest and gave us an address bar icon. It's all in the details!
Finally, what Heffernan website would be complete without a family portrait? 12 Tenenbaums, 12 Heffernans. Coincidence, I think not. It's obvious our blog is about to explode into the public consciousness. Are we ready for it? Of course, we're The Royal Heffernans!
Framed portraits available on request!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Grammar Heffernan
I must ask who is responsible for "The Royal Heffernan's" label? "Heffernan's" is a possessive adjective; "Heffernans" is a plural noun.
The current label begs the question, "The Royal Heffernan's... what?"
In contrast, "The Royal Heffernans" indicates a particular group of individuals distinguished by name, character, and accomplishment.
Grammatical fine points notwithstanding, I am pleased to be part of this illustrious band.
The current label begs the question, "The Royal Heffernan's... what?"
In contrast, "The Royal Heffernans" indicates a particular group of individuals distinguished by name, character, and accomplishment.
Grammatical fine points notwithstanding, I am pleased to be part of this illustrious band.
Thanksgiving Hit List
So Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and that means enough food will be prepped and eaten in the Copperglow compound to feed a 3rd world nation. Mom's always asking us if we want to switch up the menu - to which I always reply, "No". Thanksgiving has worked pretty well for 200+ years, and although if anyone were to change this American tradition it would be the Heffernan's, I say don't mess with a good thing. That being said, below is a list of items I will gorge myself on during that festive holiday weekend:
1. Skyline Chili. A Cincinnati staple. This will probably be consumed on multiple occasions. The only question is 3-way with a chaser or 4 cheese coneys with? I hate making the tough decisions...
2. White Castle. I grew up in Cincinnati and every place I've lived otherwise has lacked this outstanding fast food restaurant. A couple years back Colin, my buddy Shane, and I thought it would be a good idea to each eat a Crave Case® after a night of drinking. We were wrong. Apparently White Castle, much like alcohol and the movie Die Hard, is best done in moderation. White Castle burgers only come in one size. Indeed they do Adrock, indeed they do.
3. Turkey. Lots of turkey. The Heffernan Clan is rather extensive. I think last year's Thanksgiving brought in upwards of 26 people - most of them being in their respective eating primes between the ages of 16 - 30. As you can guess, we put away some white meat. We usually have some sort of freakazoid turkey with 6 legs that weighs 37 pounds, and we usually finish it. A couple years back Mom, being the genius that she is, took to cooking a second turkey for the immediate family. Did I mention that Mom is awesome?
5. Apple pie. Mom will cook about a dozen pies for Thanksgiving. I spend all day drooling over them then completely forget about them as I'm shoving turkey in my food hole. One time I overate and was not able to have pie on Thanksgiving. I made that mistake once. Once...
6. Alcohol. A few years back Dad woke me up at 7:30am Thanksgiving morning, mimosas in hand. Did I mention that Dad is awesome? I didn't even brush my teeth that day.
God bless Thanksgiving. I pity the countries that aren't America because they miss out on this eating bonanza (and on eating in general for the majority of them). I'm counting the days...
1. Skyline Chili. A Cincinnati staple. This will probably be consumed on multiple occasions. The only question is 3-way with a chaser or 4 cheese coneys with? I hate making the tough decisions...
2. White Castle. I grew up in Cincinnati and every place I've lived otherwise has lacked this outstanding fast food restaurant. A couple years back Colin, my buddy Shane, and I thought it would be a good idea to each eat a Crave Case® after a night of drinking. We were wrong. Apparently White Castle, much like alcohol and the movie Die Hard, is best done in moderation. White Castle burgers only come in one size. Indeed they do Adrock, indeed they do.
3. Turkey. Lots of turkey. The Heffernan Clan is rather extensive. I think last year's Thanksgiving brought in upwards of 26 people - most of them being in their respective eating primes between the ages of 16 - 30. As you can guess, we put away some white meat. We usually have some sort of freakazoid turkey with 6 legs that weighs 37 pounds, and we usually finish it. A couple years back Mom, being the genius that she is, took to cooking a second turkey for the immediate family. Did I mention that Mom is awesome?
5. Apple pie. Mom will cook about a dozen pies for Thanksgiving. I spend all day drooling over them then completely forget about them as I'm shoving turkey in my food hole. One time I overate and was not able to have pie on Thanksgiving. I made that mistake once. Once...
6. Alcohol. A few years back Dad woke me up at 7:30am Thanksgiving morning, mimosas in hand. Did I mention that Dad is awesome? I didn't even brush my teeth that day.
God bless Thanksgiving. I pity the countries that aren't America because they miss out on this eating bonanza (and on eating in general for the majority of them). I'm counting the days...
Our Fearless Leader
We would all follow him to the end of the earth. Just make sure when you leave the house to follow him you get to the top of the driveway before he grows impatient and drives away in the Maxima.
One Heffernan Who Needs to Go
I think we can all agree on this one, the Heffernan Family is one too many, and the superfluous member in none other than our furry friend, Lucifer, commonly known as Lucie. In fact, to call Lucie a "friend" is probably taking it a little too far. What has Lucie brought to this family? At her worst, annoyance, pain, and noise. At her best, well one time she killed a rabbit, which was pretty cool, but I have this deep rooted suspicion that she probably didn't even kill it, she probably just found it wounded.One time Lucie bite me, I didn't like it, not one bit. Also, she has puked, pooped, and shed over the majority of the Copperglow Compound. Cats are pooping in our basement and we're cleaning it up? Did we lose a war? That's not America, that's not even Mexico.
Let's all chip in, buy Mama Heffernan a hamster and nip this thing in the bud. 2006, a Lucie-less Heffernan Family is a better Heffernan Family.
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words
This ape just heard a nasty rumor that someone was rocking the boat of awesomeness otherwise known as the Heffernan Family. I think his subtle hand gesture speaks louder than words, which is quite appropriate seeing that apes cannot speak; except Koko, that chimp's all right.
Heffernan's Rock Hard
That's right folks, look to your left, look long and hard. Right there were two 64 oz. Porterhouse Steaks served at the fine Chicago Chop House to one Ian and one Colin Heffernan. Those were 2 $70 steaks; price was no object at the time as we were on the expense account of the wonderful Dr. Fred Rodriguez. Keep in mind that these steaks each represented 4 lbs. of meat, repeat 4 lbs! I keep using the past tense because you guessed it, those babies disappeared like France at the first sign of conflict. Oh, and did I mention that we also had 3 beers each, mashed potatoes, and a slice of cheesecake to top it all off? Heffernan's rock so hard they should be outlawed in all states east of the Mississippi.
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