Utterly, Completely Busted

Let's just state a fact for the record - I totally suck at predicting the outcome of the NCAA men's basketball tournament. As evidenced by my standings in two(2) separate bracket polls this month, it would be difficult for me to perform much worse.

Woof! 40%...


12.5%? Is that a joke?

Every year I lament this public proclamation of ignorance. I devise radical selection strategies - always pick the high seed, always pick the low seed, pick the team with better uniforms, pick the team a better mascot. They all fail. I scratch my head as participants who watch zero college basketball all season and who typically don't pay attention to sports in the least crush me. It's truly agonizing. I like to think myself pretty competent when it comes to college athletics. I could probably tell you the better players on each team with a 10 seed or higher and potential sleepers from mid-major conferences. Yet when it comes to predicting which of those teams will actually advance, I fold faster than Superman on laundry day. At this point I'm almost starting to believe my picks actually influence the outcome of the tournament.

Next year, instead of talking myself into thinking I have any real chance of winning anything (never in almost 20 years of bracket picking have I ever won), I'll consider myself a public service to family and friends. I'll be completing my bracket the night of the tournament selection and making it available to all comers. Use it for reference. Learn from my mistakes and inaccurate prognostications. Your best bet will likely be looking at my picks and picking the exact opposite across the board. I'm the George Costanza of NCAA brackets...

Photography Tips

I think everyone knows the benefit of having a good digital camera. However, sometimes it's tough getting good indoor photos. Here is just a little comparison to show the value of a good flash...

Without Flash

With Flash

Wii Would Like to Play

This past Christmas I didn't really need anything, so when Steph's family asked what I wanted I defaulted to my good old standby - BestBuy gift cards. Later that day at Steph's aunt and uncle's I was introduced to the Nintendo Wii for the first time. I just played Wii Sports, but was instantly hooked. I vowed the gift cards would go towards the purchase of my very own Wii. Unfortunately, the were out of stock everywhere and repeated trips to BestBuy left me empty handed... until yesterday. I headed over early, waited in line for about 40 minutes and got my Wii. Fortuitously, on this same day BestBuy had also received a shipment of the very-hard-to-get Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii. So I also picked up a copy of that along with an extra controller.

Let me just say, WOW! I've never been a very big fan of video games, mainly because I lacked the dexterity to be any good at it once they added more than two buttons to the controllers, but Colin, Steph, and I must've played Wii for about 6 hours yesterday. It's the coolest toy I've purchased in years. My arms and back are actually sore from repeated boxing and tennis matches. It's super simple to play and you don't feel bad for playing for a few hours because it's a full-body workout. I also like it because it's so inclusive, i.e. it wouldn't be fun playing by yourself like a Halo-type game.

I know Kevin and Ted, die-hard Xbox and PlayStation proponents, will give me hell for this purchase because it's simply a game system and doesn't have any additional features like HD-DVD or Blu-Ray, but what can I say? I'm man of simple pleasures. Plus, I can purchase and play the original Zelda and Super Mario trilogy (and Metroid and Kid Icarus and Castlevania and Excitebike and every other awesome NES, Super NES, N-64 (including Starfox) and Sega Genesis game out there) through the online store. I can even get Donkey Kong and film my own documentary (see post below).

Anyway, I'm sure it'll get some heavy use when everyone is in town next month. And for anyone who's in the market for a new game system, I highly recommend it.

The King of Kong

Okay, last movie post I do for awhile. I had been wanting to check this flick out for a long time. I had heard amazing reviews, and I loved the other documentaries in the genre: Spellbound and Word Wars. If any of you haven't seen these other two, go out and rent them too. All I can say is one of them features a MUSICAL ROBOT! You will cry laughing. I also recommend a few friends and a 12 pack of beer to increase enjoyment.

Anyway, back to The King of Kong. The subtitle of this movie is A Fistfull of Quarters, so you know it's going to rock! This movie is essentially about two guys competing to become the best in the world at Donkey Kong. It pits lovable loser Steve Weibe against video game legend Billy Mitchell. If you have never heard of these guys, you probably have had sex at some point in your life. Mitchell is the all-time record holder with an untouchable score that he set in 1982. Weibe decides he can beat it and sets out to do so. What follows is one of the most compelling documentaries, no movies I have seen in a long time. You will find yourself cheering.

I also love the look at competitive video games. It focuses on the old school games and not this crazy Halo/Warcraft stuff that dominates today. This is one that EVERYONE MUST SEE! If you have Netflix, you can watch it instantly online. Otherwise, go out and rent it. You won't regret it.

Holy Poop!

I've been out of touch for the last week, in England on business. So what a unbelievably awesome surprise I was treated to this morning when I was checking my usual web sites and discovered Nine Inch Nails had released 36 new instrumental tracks for FREE on the internet. You also have the option to pre-order actual discs and paraphernalia, which I did since I'm such an NIN uber-dork, but even that only costs $10. Anyway, if you're any sort of a fan of music you need to a) give Trent some money for this effort and b) download the CDs immediately! Whether you're a fan or not, you have to admit Trent Reznor continues to push the envelop on music in all ways and shapes. Whether it's his actual music, his disdain for the record companies, or now his approach to delivery he's an innovator. You can find all you need to know here: http://ghosts.nin.com

Sanders and jigsaws and drills! Oh My!

Teresa and I "inherited" Uncle Harry's living room furniture, and while most of it is beautiful and in pretty good shape, the chairs were in serious need of repair. Namely, the seats of the chairs. They seats were supported by what appeared to be some sort of sack-cloth, very old metal springs, and various other things (e.g. random pieces of wood, 1987 "Sailing World" magazines) because the cloth and metal springs had begun to give way. In addition, the padding for the chair seats, upon removal, felt more like fiberglass insulation than padding (my boogers are still very gross from breathing too much of it).

So I endeavored over the weekend to fix the problematic chair seats. In lieu of the metal springs and sack-cloth supports, I was going to cut a 1/4-inch-thick piece of MDF-board to size for each of the chair seats. In order to cut the MDF-board, I needed a new jigsaw. Grandpa Trinkley had given me a jigsaw, but the base had come detached, and I was as like to cut myself as I was the MDF-board. So Teresa and I took a trip to the Home Depot after Church on Sunday (we had a nice little Sunday planned) and picked up some supplies. I bought a Ryobi jigsaw, 5.5 amp, because it was $20 cheaper than anything else (all of which were either 5.5 amp or heavy-duty items), and its features were much better (laser-line site, base swivels 60-degrees, the blade rotates 45-degrees, and it had a great case!). With the new jigsaw, the job was easily accomplished in the afternoon and the chair seats are ready for Teresa to cover with new padding and fabric.

When I was putting away my new jigsaw, I looked at my power-tool collection and smiled. I finally feel that I have the tools for nearly any home-improvement job. But almost all are of different brands. However, after using Ryobi, DeWalt and Black & Decker products, I can happily say that so far each has performed the job I required from it, and I've not had a problem with any of them. Also, with the exception of the details sander, all have come with a case which helps with storage and preservation of each of my power tools. I can still see dad's pile of power tools on the basement shelves. Oh, and dad, just let me know if you need to borrow something.

Ryobi Jigsaw - extremely useful

Ryobi detail sander - not very useful, but only $20

Black & Decker cordless drill - the best tool I've got

Craftsman circular saw - I haven't gotten to use it yet, but am impatiently waiting

DeWalt power sander - power sanders rock!

This One's For You, Kevin!

We all remember the Lego masterpieces that Kevin loved to make back in the day. I'm sure he is just biding his time until he can buy a set of Legos for a child of his own - mostly so that he can play with them again! Well, the wait is over. In the ultimate time wasting program I have seen since the pointless Sims series, Lego has released the Lego Digital Designer!!!

That's right, this 100% free program allows you to create virtual Lego masterpieces. No small parts strewn around the house, no big boxes of odd Legos cluttering up the closet, and no lame creations displayed on the shelf. Don't worry, the complete waste of time is intact! This program is like a graphical interface that allows you to select Legos, drag-and-drop them together, and even use preset basic templates. Lego was even sneaky enough to provide direct links to order real Lego components to duplicate your virtual creation.

Come on Kevin, you know you want it. Download it HERE and kiss the office productivity goodbye!

Jimmy Kimmel Is Slowly Taking Over

I have been starting to watch more and more Jimmy Kimmel Live, and I have to say he is starting to grow on me. I have always loved Letterman, but he really is showing his age. Conan is also hilarious, and his sketches continue to be the funniest things on late night TV. If you missed the battle royal with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, then check it out on YouTube. Leno and the rest all suck. But I really think Jimmy Kimmel may be taking control.

As evidence of the power of Jimmy, he somehow is able to make Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Robin Williams, Brad Pitt, Huey Lewis and Josh Groban all look cool! I can't figure it out - I hate those people!

In this first sketch, Jimmy's real-life girlfriend Sarah Silverman sings a special song in honor of his shows 5th anniversary. Although there is no language, I would recommend headphones if you are at work. I would also recommend not drinking any beverages while watching, as they will end up spit out all over your computer screen!


In retaliation, Jimmy sings a very special song as a response to Sarah's tribute. Of course he could never top the original, but he sure as hell gives it a run!

Shoot 'Em Up

I don't want to turn The Royal Heffernans into a movie blog, but I feel an obligation to make you all aware of totally awesome movies that you may not otherwise watch. Classics such as Roadhouse, Abominable, and now... Shoot 'Em Up.

Simply put, if you don't love this movie after the opening 5 minutes just stop reading now and go back to combing the hair on your My Little Ponies®. The opening 5 minutes of this movie are like the opening 50 seconds on Prodigy's Fat of the Land album. In other words, possibly the best opening 5 minutes in movie history. The most appropriate description I've heard for this movie is it's a live-action version of a McBane script - over the top violence, farcical action sequences, cheesy lines, the whole nine yards. But unlike Abominable, the production values are excellent and the acting top-notch. Go watch it now! I rate it 4 exclamation points!!!!

The Güt Returns!

Hot of the presses, I have just been informed that the 2nd hardest working actor in the 1980's is making a triumphant return. That's right folks, Steve Guttenberg will be performing on this season's Dancing With The Stars!!!

Many of you may recall The Güt from such memorable roles as Officer Mahoney in Police Academy 1 through 4, Newton Crosby in Short Circuit, or the sensitive Michael in 3 Men and a Baby / Little Lady. But I like to remember The Güt for telling it like it is. Here are a couple recent memorable quotes courtesy of The Güt. They are from interviews that I strongly suggest you read here and here.

You had a string of hits in the 1980s. What have you been up to lately?
There are 100,000 actors in the Screen Actors Guild. Only 2,000 of them make more than $75,000 a year. That means 98,000 actors make less than $75,000 a year. From 1980 to 1990, I shot more films than any other actor in the Screen Actors Guild apart from Gene Hackman. Everyone keeps asking me that stupid question: "What are you doing?" I say: "Why do I need to do anything? I'm rich." Do you want me to be poor again? Do you want me to go back to making tomato soup out of ketchup and water? Or would you like me to be a multimillionaire and be rewarded for all the entertainment I gave you for all those years? I'm enjoying life now. If I was a plumber and I'd done the most plumbing jobs between 1980 and 1990, everyone would be saying: "What a great plumber" - he says "f**k you to the world and he's enjoying himself." But for some reason, as an actor, you're not allowed to say: "I'm f**king rich, bro."

Guttenberg on keeping the common touch:
I think about the little people. Not often. I spend most of my time with the people who work with me -- the woman who brushes my teeth, the man who puts on my shoes, my bedwarmers -- I have four or five women who sleep in my bed from 7 until 9 and then at 9:05 I ask them to leave and I go right in bed and it's snuggly.

God bless Steve F^%$ing Guttenberg.