We're Not Detroit!

God, I hate Cleveland. That's why I love these awesome fake* Cleveland tourism ads so much. "Who the f#*k still uses a pay phone..." Classic...





* or are they? Dun dun dun...

Time To Get HBO

Looks like the Cincinnati Bengals will be featured on this season's edition of Hard Knocks, the HBO documentary series that follows one NFL team through training camp each year. It's a great show and extremely addicting. Even with the last two seasons featuring the Kansas City Chiefs and Dallas Cowboys - two teams I have zero interest in whatsoever - I still made it must watch TV. Now with them showing my Bengals, I'll have to block off an hour on either side for prep and cool down, respectively. Full article here.

P.S. Do you think they'll allow the camera crews to follow the players into the police stations and courthouse?

Vigilante Justice

Teresa sent me an article about "superheroes" taking to the streets in major areas of the country. I was stoked to see that one of the superheroes calls my hometown of Cincinnati his home. "Shadowhare", as he calls himself, is a masked 21-year-old from Milford who was abused as a child and grew up in foster homes. I still can't figure out where he got the name from - did he like bunnies as a kid? Wherever he thought up the name, he now fights crime - with a side-job as a legal expert. Apparently he's done his homework and knows exactly what he can and can't do within the law to criminals. What happened to the heroes like The Comedian and Batman who provided justice despite the law? That's what I want to see!

Strangely enough, I actually think there's a place in society these days for the masked vigilante. If they are willing to work for free, I'll just think of them as a really aggressive neighborhood watch. However, they are not real superheroes, and it's only a matter of time before one of them gets killed. These "superheroes" carry mace and handcuffs, and I'm thinking they have no training in hand-to-hand combat that they didn't pick up from a tae-bo class. Oh, and did I mention they can't dodge bullets? A .38 through the chest will slow any superheroe down do dead.

While I think it's an interesting and potentially useful concept, it's also only a matter of time before a law gets passed banning "masked figures who attempt to intervene to deter the performance of an illegal act." But until then, the Allegiance of Superheroes is going to kick some major a$$! Within the limit of the law, of course.

Now, if only they could fight the Swine Flu...

Reds: Good... Maybe?

Cautiously optimistic

That is my current sentiment regarding the 2009 outlook for the Reds. Before the season, I would have probably gone with Hoping for .500. However, this has been our best road trip in over a year. Okay, I have no actual evidence or proof to back that up, and I am too lazy too look it up, but I cannot remember the last time we won 3 straight road series. Can you? Not only that, we took 2 of 3 from historic Reds killer the Brewers, 3 of 4 from the hated, but now weak Astros and 2 of 3 from the now mighty Cubs.

The hot start isn't the only reason to be optimistic. Our pitching is finally there. We are STACKED! Harang is a legit #1 starter. He battled Zambrano today and came out on top. Volquez has had a rough start, but his stuff is there. He'll be fine. Arroyo is back and looks unstoppable as a #3 guy. Cueto has to be the best #4 starter in the MLB right now. He outpitched Oswalt in Houston this week. And at #5, we have Owings. A modern day Babe Ruth, he may end up in the field when Bailey gets straightened out in AAA.

On the hitting side, Votto is an absolute BEAST! Not only is he hitting for power and average, he gets clutch hits and RBI's when we need them most. I can't watch the games on TV yet, but everytime I check the Gamecast online, Votto smacks an RBI double off the wall. Taveras is finally a true leadoff hitter. He is a threat anytime he gets on base, which is about half the time right now. He got on base today and rattled Zambrano drawing a throw to first that was wild. He went to third and soon scored on another clutch Votto hit. As for the rest, they are awful right now. The fact that we are winning when Taveras and Votto are our only consistent offense has me encouraged. Eventually, the rest of these guys will hit a little better.

I can't wait to get to a few games this year. I finally see the Reds moving in the right direction. We are, of course, in the most unfair division in baseball, the only one with 6 teams. With the Cards and the Cubs, not to mention the Brewers to contend with, it may be tough to get to the post-season this year. However, I think 90 wins is within reach. If we keep the core together and add a big bat for next year, we may be back in the post-season.

I Hate You, ESPN

Last night I got a call from Colin around 8:30p. I assumed it had something to do with our soccer game the next day, our pending vacation, or Steph's birthday. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that ESPN was airing the Reds-Astros game with the Yankees game rained out. So I turn on the TV, only to find a Pirates-Marlins game with about 38 people in the stands. Apparently, ESPN just lost their s%&t completely without their beloved Yankees (or Red Sox) available and just started jumping between games willy-nilly. Anyway, the Reds game was on periodically so I was mollified and it allowed me to get some other things done while they switched around.

Cut to the 7th inning - Reds are batting, down 3-2 after Arroyo served up a couple solo homers to blow a 2-1 lead, with a man on second. A single puts runners on the corner. Then a walk loads the bases and Joey Votto - arguably the Reds best hitter thus far - comes to the plate. I'm glued to the screen. Pitcher gets the signs, and...

ESPN cuts to the motherf$%king studio and starts talking about the motherf@#king Yankees rain out...

Are you kidding me! The bases are loaded, 1 out, with one of the best young hitters in the game at the plate and you want to talk about a game that has been canceled!? Guess what, ESPN - there are actually sports fans that live outside of New York city and Boston. I know! I couldn't believe it either, but I looked at a map and everything and there it was, much to my surprise - an entire freaking country. Apparently, NYC and Boston are just cities, part of a larger nation with over 250m citizens.

This is why ESPN is quickly alienating viewers and customers. I actually no longer visit ESPN.com (in favor of FOX Sports and SI) and with the availability of league owned channels for NBA, MLB, and NFL rarely watch any of the studio shows ESPN puts together. Last week, ESPN was actually showing the movie 'Tin Cup' in primetime. Tin. Cup. There were probably about 20 different sporting events to choose from and they were showing a crappy Kevin Costner golf movie. They also recently lost rights to the UEFA Champions League to FOX Soccer Channel. I have no idea what's going on over there, but I'm done. D-O-N-E.

Oh, and that at bat with the bases loaded? Votto doubled to drive in 2 and the Reds won 4-3. Thanks a lot, a$$holes...

Rise and Suck

Lame. Totally lame. Notre Dame's annual tradition of making a clothing nightmare was announced with 'The Shirt 2009'. Here are photos...


...and here's a trashcan into which you can vomit. Really? "Defend Our Honor". Why not just, "Please don't embarrass the students and alumni again this year"?

These things seem to get uglier and uglier every year. On top of that, the huge silkscreened pattern on the back doubles as a f$%king solar panel in the September sun, fusing to your skin in the heat.

Why can't they just come up with a simple kelly green shirt with a shamrock on the left breast that says, "IRISH", across the back? Oh, that's right, because then the Notre Dame money-making machine can't steal your $25 year-after-year. God forbid we actually have some continuity as fans with a common color so we don't get drowned out by opposing fans for every home game because everyone is wearing a different 'Shirt'. What an annoyance. What an embarassment...

UPDATE: What are those, f#$king tiger stripes? I thought it was a bad picture, but upon further investigation it appears those wavy lines are intentional. Are they trying to cause motion sickness to our opponents? Is it some sort of topographical map? What's going on here? Who am I? Where is my pudding?

Bye Bye Sallie Mae

Today I made the last Sallie Mae loan payment on loans that were in Mom and Dad's name that they took out for us (their children). I don't know whether to say thank you to Sallie Mae, or tell them to suck it. I guess by typing that last sentence I did both.

Motherf@#ker

Reverse bicycle... for a goal... in a professional soccer league (albeit Mexico). Do you have any idea how many hours Rhett and I wasted in high school trying to successfully pull this s#*t off? Well, probably only like 3 or 4 in reality, but it seemed like many, many more. Anyway, hats off to this gentleman.

Abject Terror

This past Saturday we had the pleasure of attending an Easter party thrown by some friends of ours. There was going to be an Easter Bunny appearance, you know how these things play out - Ted throws a birthday party and you know there will be live elephants, an aircraft that simulates zero-gravity, and possibly cockfighting; friends throw a kid-friendly Easter party and you know there's going to be an Easter Bunny appearance. The question is when will the Easter Bunny appear and how will the kids react. Well let me tell you how Zoe reacted...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that's a pretty fair reproduction of her response - just mingle in tears, shaking, and a near fainting spell and you get the picture. That dude walked out of a room in the basement in a giant bunny outfit and Zoe completely fell apart. It's hard to put into words - although I made a noble attempt above - the transformation that occurred. She went from happy-go-lucky with a mouthful of jelly beans to looking like she might actually die from fright in a millisecond.

The guy in the bunny suit quickly took off his mask and gloves to show Zoe he was just a person and she seemed to relax - she gave him a fist bump anyway. Then he went back into the room to put his stuff back on, came back out, and Zoe nearly died again.

After he did his bunny thing the guy de-robed and Zoe wouldn't leave him alone. She kept following him around and staring at him. I honestly think she was trying to make sure that he didn't put the costume back on - a sort of pre-emptive sanity insurance policy.

The lesson learned here - never let Zoe watch Donnie Darko...

Our New House

Saw maybe the funniest commercial I've seen in a while today. Probably because it perfectly represents how Ali and I feel moving into our new house...

ND Football - BCS Lock!!!

There, I said it! All this talk about Reds, BSG, razor blades, books and babies is getting tiresome. We need to refocus this blog on what is really important - Notre Dame football!

I have been faithfully following all the coverage of ND during spring practice. There is a ton if info available. Videos, articles, ESPN specials and even a Twitter feed from Charlie Weis with multiple updates every day! The opinions that are coming from almost every source (including those that have routinely ripped the Irish over the last 2 years) point to a BIG TURNAROUND in 2009.

The biggest storylines so far have been the emergence of the offensive line, especially with our new and improved running game, and the rapid development of our young defensive line. I don't know about you guys, but these were the keys to the season in 2008. Both let us down. The special emphasis on these areas for 2009, highlighted by new coaches on both lines gets me very excited about the season.

No matter how you slice it, we were VERY YOUNG in 2007. In 2008, we had flashes of brilliance, but struggled to hold onto leads and close out games - another sign of inexperience. Everything seemed to come together for the Hawaii Bowl. IN 2009, we have a talented, upper class team with some star underclassmen as well. If we can establish a run game to compliment our already spectacular passing game, our offense will be putting 40 points up like the good old days of Holtz. If we can get a consistent pass rush out of our D-line, we are going to be scary. Our D-backs are already the strength of our D. I think teams could have trouble moving the ball on us.

Back to my original prediction. I look at the schedule and see a legit opportunity to run the table. Sure, there are plenty of tough games, highlighted by a home matchup with USC. All the stars are aligned for Weis to finally beat Carroll. However, we also have 3 quality opponents to finish the season forcing us to play hard and giving an opportunity to showcase our team at the end of the season when it matters most.

Do I think we go undefeated? No. I think we lose 1 or 2 along the way, but that is enough to return us to a BCS game. A BCS win will put us back at the elite level that we have fallen from in the past decade. Sure, if a few things fall our way, we could surprise and sneak into the National Title Game. But a strong season and a BCS win will put us right back on top. If we can keep enough players around for 2010, you have to think we would be one of the favorites to win a National Title.

Now can we figure out a game that we can plan to head to South BEnd for???

Opening Day

April 6. Big Day. Opening Day. Well, at least for most baseball teams, it is. We'll just ignore the Phillies game from yesterday. Yes, today marks the start of the long baseball season. It also makes me think of summer, which is nice. Unfortunately, it also means I all my false-hope from the offseason, all my thinking of "This is The Year!", will soon come crashing down on me. Because the Cincinnati Reds are going to stink again this year, just like they have the past 8 years.

None of these guys play for the Reds.

I like to think the Reds can be good again, but my hope has been proven wrong again and again, so I've decided not to try anymore. Sure, I'll still watch the Reds and root them on, but is it too much to ask that they go .500? Probably.

I've still got that inkling of hope, though, so the Reds haven't totally deserted my heart. I see potential in guys like Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, and picking up Wily Taveras was a good sign as well. Even Francisco Cordero is a good closer. Harang and Arroyo need to have good years, and maybe, just maybe, Homer Bailey will finally be good enough to play pro ball. Unfortunately, there are a lot of if's, maybe's, and hope's in this statement. Which I why I'll be hoping for a W-L of 82 and 80 this year. I don't need miracles, I just need production!

I'll probably be proven wrong again this year, we'll likely end up somewhere shy of 80 wins. But maybe, just maybe, we can sneak into the playoffs? Yeah, and I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

Opening Day in Cincinnati: Red vs. Mets
First Pitch: 1:10PM

More Royalty

Owen Thomas Labutta - 4/1/2009

Since Bridget and Bryan started a competitive blog, I figured I'd at least make a post on our site welcoming Owen Thomas Labutta to the family. And weighing in at 8lbs 14 oz, he's definitely a big part of the Royal family!

Does anyone want to take a bet on who Owen pees on first? Ted, make that a new blog poll!

Ian's Book Review - The Eight

In a word... trainwreck.

This was a pseudo-recommendation by Mom, who's usually spot-on. However, I can't say it was a full-on recommendation as she kind of hemmed-and-hawed when I pressed for details. It's a fairly intriguing concept, but the writing is simply horrible. Some of my issues with the book...

• I have no idea what 'The Eight' refers to. There were hints about this to start the book and references to figure eights throughout, but no fulfillment - and not in a cliff-hanger, come back for more type of way. It's like she just decided to ignore it or forgot what she had titled it.
• Over half the book is written from the first-person perspective of one of the main characters. As my sophomore year history teacher constantly reminded us on term papers, writing in first-person is an automatic 'F'.
• Freemasons! The f$%king nuevo-cliche of suspense novels. However, in The Eight, they are introduced ominously and with grandiose and then simply never mentioned again... which seems to be a recurring theme throughout.
• She ends over a dozen chapters with hack phrases like, "Little did I know things were about to get much worse" or "But I was about to find out just how dangerous this game really was" or "However, things were about to get much clearer". Worse still, she then fails to follow through on these teasers. I must've reread three chapters trying to figure out what the hell she was referring to.
• Constantly referring to 'The Game' - and actually capitalizing 'The Game' as if it's a proper noun. I blame Survivor and other lame-ass "reality" shows for this trend. "It's all part of The Game." "I'm just playing The Game." Shut the f$%k up already...
  
• The ending. Oh, god. The ending of this book makes a Michael Crichton ending look brilliant in comparison. It's lame, it doesn't makes sense given the context of the rest of the book, it's stupid, and worst of all, it's lazy. Imagine watching the movie 'Hoosiers', and rather than showing the final game against South Bend Central they just jump from the state semi-finals to the scene where they show the state champs picture back in Hickory's gymnasium - except in the picture Jimmy Chitwood is mooning the camera. That's the ending for The Eight...
  

I felt like Dad reading this book - I was continually annoyed and frustrated with Neville's inability to develop the story and characters and her horrible writing, but I still read the whole damn thing anyway. Damn you, Katherine Neville...