The Royal Heffernans

Quite possibly the best family ever

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I've Got a Fever - Olympic Fever!

If you live on planet Earth, like me, you've probably be gleefully inundated with the Olympics the past few weeks. Personally, I've turned everything into a competition - how fast can I change Zoe's diaper, artistic merit rolling enchiladas, how many times I can lift that box of CDs still unpacked from the move. And through them all I make Steph chant, "USA! USA!" She's getting pretty annoyed, but I tear up every time. So although I've been glued to the TV every day and night, the following things must change...
  • Speed walking needs to go. It's retarded. It's like disqualifying Usain Bolt for running too fast.
  • Ditto for all swimming strokes aside from freestyle. To steal from Tim Keown, I know Michael Phelps is great and all, but I bet Michael Johnson would have won a few more medals in his day if track offered 200 and 400 side-shuffles and back pedals. Get in the pool and go this far as fast as you can, regardless of stroke.
  • Welcome to the Olympics, BMX! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. The X Games exist for a reason. That reason is keeping this sort of tripe out of legitimate events.
  • Sayonara, men's soccer! We already have a World Cup, European Championships, and Champions League. Women's can stay since they have no other venue, although I feel like the US women's team plays three international friendlies every week.
  • Drop any sports that are subjective. This could go for those other Olympics too. And if you must keep them, please, please, PLEASE get rid of the uber-lame "exhibitions" after the events are over. If I ever again have to watch a socially awkward, Chinese gymnast who's been bred and trained by the government to win gold medals since he exited the womb play like he's a cowboy on the pommel horse (Get it? It's a pommel 'horse'!) I will single-handedly tear down the Great Wall of China. Especially considering this delayed NBC from show the 200m final until 10pm. Ugh...
  • Add a "regular guy" pace runner to all track and field events. You really have no idea how fast those guys (and gals) are running. We need to add a lane and dedicate it to a fan from the stands to run next to the pros.
Oh, and I guess I should also mention the entire IOC needs to be disbanded after their disgraceful attitude towards China during these games. They'll hunt you down to the end of your days (maybe they'd even kill you themselves, who knows...) if you're suspected of doping, but forging official government IDs in order to make your athletes appear years older than they actually are is just honky-dorey. Sentence two seventy year old women to a year of re-education in a labor camp for requesting permission to protest (as in, not actually protesting, just asking if they could protest)? That's cool. Do a little celebrating after smashing the world records in a 100/200 sweep? We will break your legs, you son of a bitch! What a farce. The US contigent wasn't much better - handing out masks to their athletes to counter the effects of the crippling smog in Beijing, then publicly ripping them when they had the audacity to actually wear them.

But all-in-all, you've got to be pretty pleased with the Olympics (US track & field notwithstanding). I was honestly expecting at least 6000 dead at these games when the Bird's Nest collapsed (to be later determined it was actually a giant bird nest painted silver by the Chinese). So if anything, the small death toll is something to take away. Kudos to you, China! Job well done!


Kevin said...

I've never seen this before, but did anyone else notice that China's track had nine (9) lanes? No one ever ran in lane 1, so they could easily have the "Average Joe" (or "Average Li" since this is Beijing) running in that lane.

rhett said...

your idea of an "average joe" lane is new and intriguing to me and i wish to subscribe to your newsletter. as an aside, could any other locale in the world hosted a more bizarre olympics? surgical masks, stabbings, a giant bird nest, a "water cube", infant gymnasts, smog, bmx?

Teddy said...

Did anyone else see the NBC Office promo with Dwight last night? He did a segment standing in front of the water cooler just talking to the camera about alternate Olympic events, just like Ian described (hopefully Ian didn't plagiarize this)! He even had the official looking event logos (Beijing style) for each of his new events.

Pure genious!!!

ps: I watched all 20k of the women's walk. I was prepping fantasy draft, but I had it on. It was fun to see the judges run out there with a red card and eliminate them for running.