A car that will live in infamy...

Today my iGoogle RSS news feed delivered a story about a mugging near Lizs' moms condo in Chicago. I wanted to see exactly where the mugging occurred so I went to trusty old Google maps. After seeing where the crime took place, I decided to wander a bit and use Google maps street view to look at Lizs' moms condo. While poking around I saw something that brought a little tear to my eye, my old '95 Ford Taurus parked out front. Here's a final look at my former sweet ride:


View Larger Map

She was a good car...

The Rules of Attraction

As most of you know, the new Heffernan Compound came with a hot tub that we're looking to rid ourselves of. So last night I was digging through some paperwork to find information on the spa that we could post on Craigslist when I saw a warning sticker that read:

WARNING: CHILDREN ARE ATTRACTED TO WATER

Really? They are? Like bees are attracted to pollen, squirrels to nuts, bears to honey, Ian to chili dogs, type of attraction? Is it genetic? Can it skip generations? To test this statement I filled a bucket of water, placed it in the middle of the kitchen, spun Zoe in furious circles, and then turned her loose. Not only did she not move towards the water, she fell down, yelled, "lkajsdfoijasdf!" at me, stabbed violently with her wooden knife, then combed her hair with it. However, Bear did stroll over and lap a little up. So I suppose the statement needs to be modified to read:

WARNING: CHILDREN DOGS (AND MER-MEN*) ARE ATTRACTED TO WATER

*I forgot to mention, later in the evening a Mer-Man stabbed me with a trident and knocked over the bucket.

Class Voting Grid

Oh no! Political party conventions are already underway and you have no idea who you'll be voting for come November! McCain has always been a great senator, but he's been a life-long senator, never a leader (and he's older than Methuselah). Obama has charisma in spades and is one of the most inspirational candidates in ages, but he lacks in experience. Well, I'm here to help - by throwing emotions and "gut-feelings" out the window and basing your decision solely on income level. Just use this handy grid based on your annual income and vote with a clean conscience*!

Income	Candidate	Explanation
<$30k	Obama	Because you'll actually benefit from his social services programs
<$30k (south of Mason-Dixon line)	McCain	Because 'Obama' sounds like a terrorist's name... and he's black
$30k - $150k (average joe)	McCain	Because you make too much to benefit from any social services programs and can't afford to support those who would
$30k - $150k (idealist)	Obama	Because you've never done the math to realize how much more you'll pay in taxes with a Democratic president or you have and you don't care
$150k - $1m	McCain	Because you earned your money and would like to keep it
>$1m (celebrity)	Obama	You can afford to pay a little extra in taxes annually in order to appear righteous, and tell everyone how much better you are than them
>$1m (non-celebrity)	McCain	Paying over $400k in taxes per year is a little off-putting, and you don't care about your public image

* - If you actually want a clean conscience, just flip a freaking coin. Politicians are megalomaniacal egomaniacs and come a dime-a-dozen...

100 Things To Do Before You... WHOOPS!!!

I apologize in advance for this tasteless post, but it was just too damn interesting not to mention. Dave Freeman, author of the famous (and often copied) book pictured at left died last week. He was 47 years old.

Dave had an unfortunate accident at his home in California, falling and sustaining a head injury. His untimely demise and the title of his most famous book leads to the most obvious question in the history of this blog...

Did Dave do all 100 things on his list?

Alas, the answer is no. He had visited about half the places. His co-author had visited many of them as well, but there were a few places neither had made it to yet. Let this be a lesson to all of us - don't tempt fate! I will never make a 100 list, bucket list or any other list of things to do before I die. It almost assures you of an unfortunate accident!

Let's Improvise

As the college football season kicks-off this weekend, the idolization of coaches intensifies. Everyone is a genius (offensive or defensive, never both) or a guru (positional only) or has some other exaggerated, ridiculous title. As I was reading through an interview with Notre Dame offensive coordinator Mike Haywood, I read this snippet...

But as gameday draws near the gameplan begins to take a more solid form. The staff has already started working on its opening script of plays, but it won’t be completely done until after the staff evaluates the Aztecs in their matchup against Cal Poly on Saturday.

This, scripting the first series or X number of plays, is typical of offenses at both the college and pro levels, and I'm not really sure why people think this is a good idea. Rather than have a fluid offensive scheme that adapts to what the defense presents, you're basically saying, "Here's what we're doing and we're sticking with it come hell or high water." In almost any other setting, saying something was "scripted" usually carries a negative connotation. Why is it different in football?

Take last year's Notre Dame season opener for example. We had X scripted plays to start, and then Georgia Tech proceeded to blitz the living daylights out of Demetrious Jones. The offensive line couldn't handle the assault, and common-sense would dictate you adapt by running the ball or throwing quick outs to keep the defense honest. Yet we continued to get drilled, fell behind early, and never recovered (for the entire season). Why not simply have a pass-first or run-first philosophy going into the game and adapt from there? It seems like we're lauding coaches for being obstinate in light of blatantly obvious information and results. If something isn't working why continue? Why finish out those final 7 scripted plays that were based on old game film when you could instead counter what you're actually seeing live?

Anyway, I don't see this trend going away quickly. The glorification of coaches and their "systems" will never cease, and pundits will continue to exaggerate the complexity of the game to the point that you would think it's quantum physics. I'm simply hoping that whatever script Haywood devises for the season opener and ensuing games proves wise.

Centathalon

Somebody else has Olympic fever too!!! Sign me up!


I've probably watched this a hundred times and I'm still crying. I can't decide if my favorite is Knuckle Chuck or Turkish Luge. I compiled the logos for your amusement.

I've Got a Fever - Olympic Fever!

If you live on planet Earth, like me, you've probably be gleefully inundated with the Olympics the past few weeks. Personally, I've turned everything into a competition - how fast can I change Zoe's diaper, artistic merit rolling enchiladas, how many times I can lift that box of CDs still unpacked from the move. And through them all I make Steph chant, "USA! USA!" She's getting pretty annoyed, but I tear up every time. So although I've been glued to the TV every day and night, the following things must change...

• Speed walking needs to go. It's retarded. It's like disqualifying Usain Bolt for running too fast.
• Ditto for all swimming strokes aside from freestyle. To steal from Tim Keown, I know Michael Phelps is great and all, but I bet Michael Johnson would have won a few more medals in his day if track offered 200 and 400 side-shuffles and back pedals. Get in the pool and go this far as fast as you can, regardless of stroke.
• Welcome to the Olympics, BMX! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. The X Games exist for a reason. That reason is keeping this sort of tripe out of legitimate events.
• Sayonara, men's soccer! We already have a World Cup, European Championships, and Champions League. Women's can stay since they have no other venue, although I feel like the US women's team plays three international friendlies every week.
• Drop any sports that are subjective. This could go for those other Olympics too. And if you must keep them, please, please, PLEASE get rid of the uber-lame "exhibitions" after the events are over. If I ever again have to watch a socially awkward, Chinese gymnast who's been bred and trained by the government to win gold medals since he exited the womb play like he's a cowboy on the pommel horse (Get it? It's a pommel 'horse'!) I will single-handedly tear down the Great Wall of China. Especially considering this delayed NBC from show the 200m final until 10pm. Ugh...
  
• Add a "regular guy" pace runner to all track and field events. You really have no idea how fast those guys (and gals) are running. We need to add a lane and dedicate it to a fan from the stands to run next to the pros.

Oh, and I guess I should also mention the entire IOC needs to be disbanded after their disgraceful attitude towards China during these games. They'll hunt you down to the end of your days (maybe they'd even kill you themselves, who knows...) if you're suspected of doping, but forging official government IDs in order to make your athletes appear years older than they actually are is just honky-dorey. Sentence two seventy year old women to a year of re-education in a labor camp for requesting permission to protest (as in, not actually protesting, just asking if they could protest)? That's cool. Do a little celebrating after smashing the world records in a 100/200 sweep? We will break your legs, you son of a bitch! What a farce. The US contigent wasn't much better - handing out masks to their athletes to counter the effects of the crippling smog in Beijing, then publicly ripping them when they had the audacity to actually wear them.

But all-in-all, you've got to be pretty pleased with the Olympics (US track & field notwithstanding). I was honestly expecting at least 6000 dead at these games when the Bird's Nest collapsed (to be later determined it was actually a giant bird nest painted silver by the Chinese). So if anything, the small death toll is something to take away. Kudos to you, China! Job well done!

That's a Fun Figure

Everyone remember how bad Notre Dame's rushing figures were last year? Well, in case you forgot, it was a lousy 2.1 yds/carry average. The college football experts, i.e. those guys that hate Notre Dame, love to throw that figure around - 2.1 yds/carry. Well, I dug a little deeper and here's how the numbers breakdown...

Total Attempts: 437
Total Yards Gained: 1513
Total Yards Lost: 610
Net: 903

Which yields an average of 2.1 yds/carry (903/437) or 75 yds/game.

BUT, if you remove Clausen and Sharpley and Jones from the equation the numbers look like this...

Total Attempts: 325
Total Yards Gained: 1309
Total Yards Lost: 152
Net: 1157

Which yields an average of 3.6 yds/carry (1157/325) or 96 yds/game.

If you want to know what accounts for that shocking difference of 1.5 yds/carry, and over 20 yds/game, it's Clausen's 284 lost yards and Sharpley's 163. That's right - Notre Dame quarterbacks were sacked so many times they single-handedly brought down the team rushing average 1.5 yds/carry!

If you look at individual statistics, Aldridge averaged 3.8 yds/carry, Allen 4.0 yds/carry, and Hughes 5.5 yds/carry. So it appears that when Notre Dame wanted to run, they could run. The problem was Weis' pass-happy offense combined with little experience on that side of the ball often left Notre Dame trailing early and they couldn't stick with the run.

So here's hoping that a new signal caller on the offensive side of the ball and a year of experience under the belt will make a difference this year. God knows my heart, and Zoe's rapid grasp of the English language, cannot take another losing season...

Holy Ghost!

Awesome. Simply awesome. A Christian gathering where the Holy Spirit fills the souls of these folks, shoving out all rhythm and self-respect in the process, set to techno. It could only be better if they had glow sticks. Trust me when I tell you to watch the entire video. Things really heat up around the 1:00 mark...

Swimming: Love It, Don't Get It

I watch the summer Olympics for two sports really, swimming and track & field. I think I like these above all others because they're individual sports with a very simple concept - whoever goes the fastest wins. But here's the thing, I just can't get my head around the evolution and progress of professional swimming.

Example: Two nights ago I watched Michael Phelps, Aaron Piersol, and Natalie Coughlin win back-to-back-to-back gold medals for the USA with each one of them not only breaking, but smashing the previous world record.

Example 2: Michael Phelps has won 5 gold medals and in each of those gold medal races he has absolutely smashed the previous world record. Let me say that again because it really is a phenomenal performance - 5 gold medals, 5 world records.

Granted, using Phelps as an example is probably not the best way to plead my case since the conspicuous absence of his father in the stands leads me to believe he must be a porpoise and can't handle the Beijing smog, but world records have been dropping in the "Water Cube" at an alarming rate this past week. It seems like every race - prelim, final, whatever - sees another record fall. Is it their fancy swimsuits? Can one pool or water be "faster" than another? Are they lathering up with Crisco? Track is a different animal. With the exception of the 100m, records typically stay in place for years. This is more along the lines of what you'd expect - once a generation a freak comes along and eclipses the old. Then those records hold until the next freak (Usain Bolt) arrives.

I can only arrive at three guesses...

1. We're witnessing the greatest crop of swimmers in the history of the sport.
2. Advances in the sport are just starting to make an impact (Hey, Mark Spitz's mustache had to have cost him at least a second from drag, right?)
3. Swimmers are the best athletes in the world at masking doping.

I hope it's option 1, although it would be cool to see Phelps shatter his 400 IM record sporting a fu manchu...

Bye Bye Adam

So I know most of you guys have given up on the Reds, but today another big trade occurred for our Cincinnati ex-sluggers. Adam Dunn was traded today to the Arizona Diamondbacks for a minor-league pitcher and two players to be named later. This trade followed pretty closely on the heels of the Griffey, Jr. trade to the Chicago White Sox.

All in all, I was pretty pleased with the trade of Griffey, Jr. He was well past his prime and was not putting up the kinds of numbers that he was once capable of. Also, next season was the last of his contract, and the Reds would almost certainly have had to pick up his option and pay him $16.5 million for being a has-been. Getting rid of Griffey, Jr. also cleared up a log jam in the outfield and allows some younger players to come up and get some time. I would have liked to see him pass Sammy Sosa on the career HR list as a Red, but to get out from under his contract was pretty lucky.

The trade of Adam Dunn, however, has left me a little puzzled. The minor-league pitcher - Dallas Buck - was a top-prospect, but has already undergone Tommy John surgery. He's never been in the majors, and while he's still quite young, there's no telling when or if he might be able to produce at a major-league level (or if his arm will be as good as it once was). Adam Dunn, for all his strike-outs and defensive liabilities, was always a long-ball threat and did get quite a few walks in recent years. I've cursed and praised Adam Dunn in the same sentence, so I'm still on the fence on this one, but I think with the recent trade of Griffey, Jr., I don't like this trade so much.

Also to be considered is that the Reds currently have 2 aactive outfielders listed on the 40-man roster (Patterson, Bruce) and we're now sticking guys like Jerry Hairston to fill in the holes. I know it's easy to make a player an outfielder, but seriously! 2 outfielders?

At the end of the day, the Griffey, Jr. trade, along with the Dunn trade, were both money-savers. Dunn was a free agent after this year and if the Reds weren't planning on keeping him (rumor has it that Dunn was not a favorite of Dusty Baker or the new GM), then getting something for him might be a good thing. I think it was more dropping some salary now than anything else. Oh, and the fact that the Reds suck and have no chance at the playoffs.

Achtung Baby

While on vacation this past week we stopped by the house of some family friends that were coincidentally vacationing in the same town at the same time. They hadn't really met Zoe, so they got her a gift of velcro fruit blocks that came with - wait for it - a giant wooden knife. Zoe thinks anything with a rounded handle is a brush so in between violent, frenetic, Chucky-esque stabbing motions she would gently try to comb her hair with the blade. She's the cutest.

The episode got me to thinking how she has this innate sense for finding the most dangerous thing in the room and wanting to play with it. Some examples...

• The plastic grocery bags we use to do poop patrol for Bear.
• Banging her wooden blocks against the glass front of our media stand.
• Finding ways to make her baby-designed toys extremely unsafe, e.g. getting her arm stuck in one of those drop-the-square-shaped-block-in-the-right-hole toys.

We're not negligent parents, the house has been "baby proofed". It's just that I'm just now coming to realize that for a house to be truly baby proof it needs to be a single, padded room devoid of any objects. If it contained just an oversized stuffed animal Zoe would gut it and try to eat the stuffing. A ball? She'd sit on it, roll off and bonk her melon. A pair of pants? She'd put both legs through one opening, try to walk and fall. The list goes on and on.

If we have another child, I'm quite seriously entertaining the idea of making his/her middle name "Danger". Not only is it awesome, it's also apropos...