You Must Care!

Awhile back I wrote about my disgust for superlatives in the sporting world. Well, that horrible practice has been replaced on my shit-list with the new concept of forced sentimentality. It's the worst, and it's already reared it's head so many times this year it makes my head spin. A few examples...

• Headline: Above Average Quarterback Who Played For a Really Long Time Retires! I really thought John Madden was going to commit suicide when Brett Favre made this (now retracted) announcement. This was followed by a solid month of weeping over quarterback who almost single-handedly got his team bounced from the playoffs. Favre was/is a good quarterback, not the Messiah. He won 1 stinking Super Bowl. You know who else won a Super Bowl? Trent Dilfer, Brad Johnson, Mark Ryphen, et al. Boo fucking hoo. I hope he breaks a leg in his comeback.
• Headline: Golfer Can Walk! Amazing, Tiger Woods won the US Open with a bad knee. You could tell it was bad because of all the wincing. Yeah, he had a bum knee, but it's a golf tournament, folks. The extent of the activity is walking. But the way everyone gushed that weekend you would've thought Tiger was giving burn victims plasma transfusions after every hole. Move over Gandhi and Mother Teresa, Tiger has a limp.
• Headline: Junkie Gets His Shit Together! I have never seen a former heroin addict so praised. Let's retrace Josh Hamilton's steps... #1 draft pick in 1999, becomes a junkie, finds God, returns 8 years later, plays as expected. Geez, it almost makes me want to become a junkie just so I can kick it and be a hero to the entire world.
• Headline: Old Stadium With History (and asshole fans) Torn Down To Make More Money! If Yankee stadium is so special, has such a magical mystique, then why the hell are they tearing it down? Wrigley is still going strong, as is Fenway. Oh no, players won't be able to focus during the all-star game because they'll be overcome by the Yankee Stadium atmosphere. Piss off. Even worse, those classy Yankees fans really sent the house off right by booing every single player that stepped on the field that wasn't wearing a Yankees uniform. Nice show, New York!

Guesses for what's next?

• Peyton Manning gutting through training camp after bursa sac surgery on his knee.
• Some SEC football player getting a fourth shot at college ball after 17 felony arrest during high school. He still doesn't go to class and had a few minor run-ins with the law this season, but no convictions!
• Some gutsy Olympian just lost a family member and wants to win the gold for them.
• Ian finds the courage to buy a new TV after he destroyed his old one in a fit of rage listening to Joe Buck or Jim Nantz or Bob Costas.