This One's For You, Kevin!

We all remember the Lego masterpieces that Kevin loved to make back in the day. I'm sure he is just biding his time until he can buy a set of Legos for a child of his own - mostly so that he can play with them again! Well, the wait is over. In the ultimate time wasting program I have seen since the pointless Sims series, Lego has released the Lego Digital Designer!!!

That's right, this 100% free program allows you to create virtual Lego masterpieces. No small parts strewn around the house, no big boxes of odd Legos cluttering up the closet, and no lame creations displayed on the shelf. Don't worry, the complete waste of time is intact! This program is like a graphical interface that allows you to select Legos, drag-and-drop them together, and even use preset basic templates. Lego was even sneaky enough to provide direct links to order real Lego components to duplicate your virtual creation.

Come on Kevin, you know you want it. Download it HERE and kiss the office productivity goodbye!

Jimmy Kimmel Is Slowly Taking Over

I have been starting to watch more and more Jimmy Kimmel Live, and I have to say he is starting to grow on me. I have always loved Letterman, but he really is showing his age. Conan is also hilarious, and his sketches continue to be the funniest things on late night TV. If you missed the battle royal with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, then check it out on YouTube. Leno and the rest all suck. But I really think Jimmy Kimmel may be taking control.

As evidence of the power of Jimmy, he somehow is able to make Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Robin Williams, Brad Pitt, Huey Lewis and Josh Groban all look cool! I can't figure it out - I hate those people!

In this first sketch, Jimmy's real-life girlfriend Sarah Silverman sings a special song in honor of his shows 5th anniversary. Although there is no language, I would recommend headphones if you are at work. I would also recommend not drinking any beverages while watching, as they will end up spit out all over your computer screen!


In retaliation, Jimmy sings a very special song as a response to Sarah's tribute. Of course he could never top the original, but he sure as hell gives it a run!

Shoot 'Em Up

I don't want to turn The Royal Heffernans into a movie blog, but I feel an obligation to make you all aware of totally awesome movies that you may not otherwise watch. Classics such as Roadhouse, Abominable, and now... Shoot 'Em Up.

Simply put, if you don't love this movie after the opening 5 minutes just stop reading now and go back to combing the hair on your My Little Ponies®. The opening 5 minutes of this movie are like the opening 50 seconds on Prodigy's Fat of the Land album. In other words, possibly the best opening 5 minutes in movie history. The most appropriate description I've heard for this movie is it's a live-action version of a McBane script - over the top violence, farcical action sequences, cheesy lines, the whole nine yards. But unlike Abominable, the production values are excellent and the acting top-notch. Go watch it now! I rate it 4 exclamation points!!!!

The Güt Returns!

Hot of the presses, I have just been informed that the 2nd hardest working actor in the 1980's is making a triumphant return. That's right folks, Steve Guttenberg will be performing on this season's Dancing With The Stars!!!

Many of you may recall The Güt from such memorable roles as Officer Mahoney in Police Academy 1 through 4, Newton Crosby in Short Circuit, or the sensitive Michael in 3 Men and a Baby / Little Lady. But I like to remember The Güt for telling it like it is. Here are a couple recent memorable quotes courtesy of The Güt. They are from interviews that I strongly suggest you read here and here.

You had a string of hits in the 1980s. What have you been up to lately?
There are 100,000 actors in the Screen Actors Guild. Only 2,000 of them make more than $75,000 a year. That means 98,000 actors make less than $75,000 a year. From 1980 to 1990, I shot more films than any other actor in the Screen Actors Guild apart from Gene Hackman. Everyone keeps asking me that stupid question: "What are you doing?" I say: "Why do I need to do anything? I'm rich." Do you want me to be poor again? Do you want me to go back to making tomato soup out of ketchup and water? Or would you like me to be a multimillionaire and be rewarded for all the entertainment I gave you for all those years? I'm enjoying life now. If I was a plumber and I'd done the most plumbing jobs between 1980 and 1990, everyone would be saying: "What a great plumber" - he says "f**k you to the world and he's enjoying himself." But for some reason, as an actor, you're not allowed to say: "I'm f**king rich, bro."

Guttenberg on keeping the common touch:
I think about the little people. Not often. I spend most of my time with the people who work with me -- the woman who brushes my teeth, the man who puts on my shoes, my bedwarmers -- I have four or five women who sleep in my bed from 7 until 9 and then at 9:05 I ask them to leave and I go right in bed and it's snuggly.

God bless Steve F^%$ing Guttenberg.

The Perry Bible Fellowship

I don't know where I first came across this strip, but these comics are hilarious. Probably a bit too off-the-wall for most, but the money frame always gets me. Anyway, I wanted to post something so Ted didn't have to see the Abominable poster any longer. Check out many more at pbfcomics.com.

Abominable!

Boom! I just got done watching this "abomination" (yup, I just did that) on SciFi and what can I say? It was so bad I couldn't pull my eyes away. Picture a cheap Rear Window knock-off, but with Bigfoot instead of Jimmy Stewart and a third grader directing instead of Hitchcock. And the fact that the movie is titled Abominable, hinting at the Abominable Snowman or Yeti, when this is so clearly about Bigfoot is simply icing on the cake. But if the subway poster above isn't enough to convince you to watch this jewel of American cinema, check out the star-studded cast!

• Matt McCoy - the "serenity now" guy from Seinfeld
• Paul Gleason - Deputy Dwayne Robinson from Die Hard
• The Indomitable Lance Henrikson
• Dee Wallace - the mom from ET

I can't say enough - continuity errors, horrible dialog, implausible scenarios, and overly graphic violence. The monster kinda looks like Wilford Brimley if he was really angry (maybe you took his Quaker Oats or hid his diabetes medication) and covered in hair. And if he ate people! Which he may, I don't really know. It's everything you'd expect from a direct-to-video movie showing on SciFi. So if you happen to stumble across this disaster, for God's sake, watch it! You will not be disappointed.

For Your Enjoyment

This movie is going to be great.

Clemens Is Guilty

For those of you smart enough to not try to listen to the Congressional Hearing today regarding the Mitchell Report on performance enhancing drugs in baseball, let me give you the executive summary: Roger Clemens used steroids and HGH, and he is lying about it.

The entire hearing boiled down to the story told by McNamara versus the story told by Clemens. They are in direct opposition, so one of them is lying. There is no middle ground. So let me explain why I think the hearing blew Clemens version out of the water. Let me preface this by saying this is 100% my own opinion from listening to and watching the hearing during the morning while studying. I have not heard any spin or opinions about the hearing, and it is still going on. I had heard enough.

McNamara accused 3 players of using steroids/HGH. Chuck Knoblach, Andy Pettite and Roger Clemens. Two of them admitted it under oath and corroborated McNamara's story. Pettite even gave testimony, including follow-up affidavits, saying that Clemens admitted using steroids/HGH to him. Clemens denied it. Clemens approach was to attack McNamara and his shady history. Granted, McNamara has lied in the past, which weakens his credibility as a witness, but what did he lie about? He lied to cover up steroid/HGH use by players he knew!!! So the lie they are calling him out on actually proves the point that he gave injections to players!

Furthermore, in the most telling part of the hearings for me... One huge issue in which McNamara and Clemen's testimony differs is regarding Clemens presence at a party at Jose Canseco's house. Clemens absolutely denies he was ever there and several congressman hammered McNamara trying to show he lied about Clemens being there. I find it comical that their big piece of evidence was an affadavit by Jose Canseco! So now Canseco is the credible source in steroids? But the highlight was when one of the congressman asked about Clemens nanny. McNamara says he knows Clemens was at the meeting because he remembers seeing Clemens kid and nanny there. When Congress tried to talk to the nanny, on a Friday they requested her contact info. Clemens did not give them the info, despite repeated requests, until Monday. In the meantime, Clemens called her himself and had her to his house to question her. He then had his lawyers question her. Only after they had questioned her did they give Congress her info. Sounds like tampering to me! Then came the bombshell... The nanny swore that she, Clemens kids and wife all stayed at Canseco's house for a couple days during the time in question! So how was Roger Clemens not there now? His own former nanny says he was. I also cannot do justice to what was happening on TV while this was going on. Clemens lawyers went crazy, wouldn't let Clemens speak, grabbed the microphone and started talking - strictly prohibited in this forum. This frantic reaction was all the confirmation I needed.

So in the game of who is telling the truth, all evidence points to McNamara. Every fact he made was confirmed by other sources. The apparent lies McNamara made were also proven to be true, further strengthening his statements. It is clear that Clemens lied. The sickening part of the hearings is how several of the Congressmen were just kissing Clemens butt. They railed on McNamara while praising Clemens. Despite all the evidence, and with McNamara having nothing to gain, they chose to believe Clemens. At that point with all the grandstanding, I turned it off.

F#$%ing Mexico

Well, the US must've played Mexico last night because I went to bed cursing, angry, and a little drunk. The result was a 2-2 draw that elicited more yawns than yells. A few comments:

• Once again the game was played on US soil. Once again US Soccer chose a Mexican-friendly location in Houston. And, once again, the crowd was about 80% pro-Mexico. I know they're trying to make a buck, but can't we just agree to always play Mexico in Columbus, Kansas City, Denver, or Juneau?
• If I didn't know better, I would've thought that everyone on the Mexican team was suffering some sort of major head trauma. What's the deal with the sleeves over your head down there? Guys with hair shorter than mine were wearing sleeves over their heads.
• The Mexican national team is this close to becoming a latino soap opera. You just look at these guys cross and they crumple into a heap of sheer agony, painfully grabbing the nearest appendage regardless of whether or not there was any contact in that vicinity. Oh, the drama!
• Was the reffing team related to the Mexican coach? One horrible call cost Clint Dempsey a goal and it felt like the vast majority of the calls went against the US.
• This one's on the US. I get it. You want to develop homegrown talent. But when the weakest link on the team is your defense and you trot out Ramiro Corrales, Oguchi Onyewu, and Drew Moore, what do you really expect? Poor Carlos Bocanegra was basically left to do everything on his own. Corrales looked and played like he was about 57. Moore was single-handedly responsible for both Mexican goals due to laissez-faire marking. Onyewu. I don't even know what to say about this guy anymore. Sure, he scored the US's first goal. But his lack of body control (and skill in general) leads to so many needless turnovers and penalties that I just can't watch him anymore. Where is Jonathan Spector? Where is Frankie Simek? Where is Jay Demerit? These guys start and play very well in the English leagues. When they all played in last summer's Gold Cup they dominated. Strong marking, excellent offensive support. I don't understand why these guys aren't automatic, I really don't.
• And don't think I've forgotten about you, Landon Donovan. I honestly don't know how this kid became the all-time assists and scoring leader for the US national team, because it seems to me like he's terrified of moving forward. More likely, he's terrified of people realizing his game hasn't improved in about 6 years. I've got his MO down pat: get the ball in the defensive half of the field, sprint forward with it to just over midfield, stop, pull back, drop it to the outside back on your side. Lando has become complacent, assured of his spot in the lineup. Until he feels that spot is threatened, he's never going to get back the aggressiveness that showed so much promise in the 2002 World Cup.

A Classy Finish by a Classy Guy

Nothing says "poor sportsmanship" more than the sight of Bill Belichick running off the field with seconds still on the clock in Super Bowl XLII. A last second loss to steal away a perfect season couldn't happen to a better guy.

On a personal note, as much as it pained me to do so I was pulling hard for the Giants. Mainly for Charlie Weis. Since he left the Patriots, everyone has been almost too eager to point out how much better their offense has been without him in charge. Well, I don't know much, but I know that New England won three(3) Super Bowls with Weis running the offense and they've won zero(0) since his departure.

Why Sean, Why?

Disturbing news from the baseball front, apparently Sean Casey, aka "The Mayor" has agreed to terms with the Boston Red Sox.

My favorite baseball player signs a contract with the team I despise the most in all of baseball? I don't know what to make of all of this, I just hope people don't mistake me for a Red Sox fan when I wear my Sean Casey shirt, which I wear quite often.