Can't Wait for Saturday?

Here's a taste.

Game Week

The butterflies have officially started to flutter. Notre Dame is doing game-week practices for the season opener at Georgia Tech. That's right, the season is officially here! The quest for a National Title and Heisman Trophy begins Saturday. ESPN Gameday will kick things off at 10am. If Corso picks the Yellow Jackets, I will be a very happy man. I will be watching the game on foreign turf in Birmingham, AL with two 1 year-old girls. That doesn't mean I won't drop a few F-bombs!

If I Had 300 Million Dollars

The other day the missus told me she intended to have all holiday shopping accomplished by the end of September. After initially jumping back in fear thinking that my mom had somehow possessed my wife's body I started thinking about wish lists. Seeing as how my birthday is just 5 days before Christmas gift lists take on extra special meaning. As I went through my list I came to two sobering realizations:

1. I have expensive tastes.
2. My income is insufficient to satiate my expensive tastes.

That got me to thinking of what I would want if I did have the means. So here's the game - I win (solely) the next Powerball that hits the $300m barrier. What do I do with all that money? Here's how it plays out...

• Uncle Sam takes about 60% or $180m. Absolute shite, I should never have to pay taxes again so I sign up as a registered Republican to make sure this happens and purchase several politicians.
• I'd share the wealth with our immediate families. Parentals receive $5m/set, siblings receive $1m/family. Unfortunately we have two sets of parents and eight(8) siblings combined, setting me back a hefty $18m. You'd better appreciate it you ingrates...
• Real Estate. I'd buy a nice house on the leeward side of Maui and a good-sized house here in D.C. with ample yard. I'd also purchase 1000 or so acres in Montana abutting Ted Turner's ranch. I'd raise lions that would feed off Ted's bison and train them to accept a saddle.
  
• Rides. I've never been a fan of flashy cars (I aspire to one day one a Honda Accord), but if I had the money? Eh, why the hell not. The wife would get a top-of-the-line Range Rover decked out with every accoutrement possible, plus a machine gun turret. For me? An Audi A6 - sporty, yet luxurious - with a machine gun turret attached to match the wife's Range Rover. I'd also hire Ford to create a working version of 'The Homer' for my own personal enjoyment.
• Financial Services. No single financial institution would insure you for all that money, so I'd need to have diverse investments. I'd start by investing heavily in alpaca/llama farming (but far away from my lion ranch) - those things are a gold mine. I'd also buy a steel mine and work to perfect alchemy in order to chemically change the ordinary steel into gold. I'd also buy a gold mine... just in case.
• I'd setup a game park to hunt the most dangerous game of all - MAN! But I'd start by just hunting children. You don't just jump into hunting men - you have to work your way up...
• I'd pay Kevin Federline (in wife-beater t-shirts) to just go away.
• I'd found a hobo wrestling federation and make Crazy Hat Pete the president (he doesn't actually wear a hat, it's a beret). The show would be broadcast on the Oxygen channel.
• I'd hire an entourage to coat the ground before me with fresh rose petals so I never had to walk on common ground again.
• I'd purchase burial plots on the moon, with headstones visible from earth with the naked eye.
• I'd take up the most ostentatious hobby of them all - stamp collecting.
  

Who is...a SUPERSTAR?

This past Tuesday, I discovered that I'm better off relying on my brains and not my athletic prowess in contests from here on out. Gulp.

Formerly, I was a soccer SUPERSTAR (well, close to it, and I went to the World Cup), a basketball player (one season in fifth grade before all the kids got taller than me), a tee ball addict by age five (I cried until mom let me quit the team), a tennis pro consistently confused with Sharapova (I got a few cute outfits), a golfer (I got sun poisoning and refused to return to practice), a cheerleader (for the B team, and we were heckled by our own team. Seriously.), and an integral flag football team member (until it got too cold outside and I found I was just as happy eating leftover turkey from Thanksgiving). I also was a cross country runner and track SUPERSTAR in high school and college, and continued on to 5Ks and marathons as a young adult. Did I say SUPERSTAR yet?

I was so convinced of my athletic abilities up through the beginning of this summer that I organized and 'coached' a sand volleyball team consisting of associates from my office - a law firm. During the regular season, we played eight games...and lost eight games. No really. Out of 24 matches, we only came out on top in two and still lost those overall games 2-1. Most of us continued to play because we got free beer at a local pub after the games.

This past Tuesday, the local pub started a trivia contest which, of course, we entered. And won. SUPERSTARS! Who would have guessed that a bunch of lawyers would lose eight weeks' worth of volleyball games, yet come out on top in the first trivia contest they ever entered as a team? It was thrilling to win in trivia and know those years of watching Jeopardy! have paid off, but also disturbing to realize how badly we sucked at athletics these days.

I don't know if I'm ready yet to say goodbye to my years as an athletic SUPERSTAR. I keep telling myself that knowing the city in which 2/5 of Alaska's total population lives (Anchorage) is worth something at the end of the day.

Whatever Happened To My Hurricane?

Remember 2005 when we had a record number of hurricanes in the Atlantic, including the devastating Katrina in the New Orleans area? Remember all the media hype about how humans are influencing the environment which accelerates global warming which adversely affects global weather patterns which leads to disastrously frequent and large hurricanes? Whatever happened with all that?

Because as I sit here in Washington, D.C. on an unseasonably mild August morning (mid-70s), I can't recall hearing anything about any hurricanes this year, and we're already halfway through hurricane season. CNN has a special Hurricane Headquarters (hooray for alliteration) web site and you know they are just praying for another natural disaster, but so far mother nature isn't cooperating.

Could it be that, GASP!, human influence on the environment is less than we thought? Could it be that, GASP!, global warming isn't as severe as we thought? Could it be that, GASP!, we really have no f#$^ing clue about long-term weather cycles, what their frequencies and durations are, what affects them, and whether or not we are currently in the midst of one? Or could it just be that the Eastern seaboard and Gulf Coast are in for a rough couple of months?

I guess we'll find out over the remainder of the summer, but one thing is for certain - we know a lot less about (human influence on) global weather systems than we thought. So maybe before a bunch of ass-clowns like CNN host a web site about our impending doom during the 2006 hurricane season they should think twice...

Even More Serious...

Ian did highlight two very important news stories from the past week, but he neglected to discuss the two items that will have the most impact on our world.

The first is regarding a new movie release opening Friday - a little flick titled Snakes On A Plane. I predict this movie will open to packed houses making a run at Dead Man's Chest's opening weekend record of $135,634,554. No one can stop this movie. The internet support over the past year is unprecedented. The studio was wise and played up that support making the movie R-rated and including the now famous line, "I want these motherf%^$ snakes off this motherf&^$* plane!" after fans demanded it! I will be seeing it.

The next item is about a little bridge in Hungary. Budapest is in the process of building a bridge over the Danube in the northern part of the city. The government thought it would be a great idea to have an online contest allowing the public to nominate and vote for the bridge's name. As of last week, the #1 leading vote getter was... The Chuck Norris Bridge!!! This is awesome in so many ways. First, if you click on the link above, you'll see the site is entirely in Hungarian. No way stupid American internet geeks were voting for or even aware of the contest - it must have been Hungarians! Second, Chuck was beating all-comers by a wide margin, including the founder of Hungary! Finally, how awesome would it be for weary American travelers in Europe to come across Chuck Norris Hid (Hungarian for bridge) in the middle of Budapest! Alas, the widespread internet reporting of this phenomenon has rallied the people of Hungary to vote for Zrinyi Hid, a famous Hungarian historical family. Voting is still open, so get Chuck back on top!

On A More Serious Note...

There were a couple semi-serious news stories that surfaced over the last couple weeks that I wanted to address. But instead of a long-winded diatribe for each, I thought I'd combined them short and sweet to avoid getting all worked up and having my head explode.

The first story deals with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation donating over $287million for HIV research. I know, I know, how could I possibly see any wrong in this humanitarian gesture? Well, I wouldn't except for one little word - cancer. In the most recent statistics released by the CDC, cancer is the second leading cause for death among Americans with a staggering 22%. The top-10 leading causes for death account for over 83% of all deaths in the United States and HIV/AIDS is not among those top-10. Since the beginning of the AIDS epidemic (in 1981) an estimated 529,113 people have died from HIV/AIDS in the United States. That's slightly less than the number of cancer victims last year alone. All I'm saying is this - cancer is just as deadly, affects more people annually, kills more people annually, and is pretty much impossible to prevent. It's been around for ever and we're still no closer to a cure. By no means am I intending to belittle the HIV/AIDS epidemic, all I'm saying is couldn't some of that $287million gone to cancer research?

The second story just makes me sad - recent surveys show that less than 50% of Americans believe in evolution. That wouldn't be so troubling if those surveys were conducted in 1905, but these were done just last year! What is this, the middle ages? Are we going to excommunicate Galileo for suggesting that the Earth revolves around the sun? The line between government and religion is precariously thin and that is not a good sign, as I've stated on this blog previously; however, it is simply unconscionable to allow religious beliefs to interfere with science. Not only is it unconscionable it's simply ignorant and narrow-minded. Somewhere down the line your ancestor was a monkey (see the image in the post below). God didn't wiggle his nose and create you out of clay or an extra rib. The Genesis story is an allegory. Grow up and deal with it. Normally I wouldn't really care if people made a conscious decision to be morons, but since so many of these morons hold a seat in office I don't want to see science stagnate because these knuckleheads withhold funding based on theological beliefs. The only people who fear the advancement of science are those of little faith and, worse, those who have something to gain by keeping you in the dark...

The Fears of Colin

In Kevin's eloquent and touching best man's speech this past weekend at Colin's wedding he briefly touched on Colin's phobia of the singing, animatronic gorilla ringleader, named 'Fatz Geronimo', of the Showbiz Pizza Place band - The Rock-afire Explosion (and looking at that photo above, I can begin to understand why). Well, in an effort at brevity Kevin left out the majority of Colin's phobias which are now chronicled here, for your enjoyment.

• Ladybugs - No one is quite sure why, but these cute, tiny insects absolutely terrified Colin. Actually, if you were just to sing the song, 'Ladybuy Picnic' in Colin's vicinity he would break into tears.
• The Incredible Hulk (TV version) - It didn't take much, as soon as Bill Bixby, aka Bruce Banner, lost control of that tire iron and looked into the camera with those green eyes in the introductory sequence Colin was screaming. One can only guess if Colin ever saw the theatrical version released several years ago, but my guy says, 'No'.
• Thriller - Before Michael Jackson became a psychotic pedophile he was the coolest musician in the world, posing on the cover of the best-selling album of all-time in a white suit (sans shirt) with a white tiger cub. But Colin would never know this because as soon as that video started he vanished faster than Jacko's sanity in the mid-90's.
• Heights - Funny that Colin worked briefly as a roofer in college when he is severely acrophobic. The quintessential Colin roofing story begins with Colin beginning to slowly slide off the roof at one of his worksites. Colin became, quite literally, paralyzed with fear and was unable to even take the meager steps necessary to prevent himself from plummeting over the edge. It was not until a co-worker spotted Colin and reacted quickly by pulling him to safety that he was able to snap out of his trance. Colin spent the rest of that summer picking up discarded shingles from the ground.
• Girls - This, obviously, couldn't be mentioned at the wedding, but now that it's official and Liz can't get away (at least not without much legal hullaballoo) we should note that the coolest cat in town is also terrified of talking to girls. I once stumbled upon Colin writing out notes on 3x5 cards in high school. I assumed he was studying for a test and asked him what he was up to. He, rather sheepishly, responded that he was jotting down talking points as he was about call a girl and needed things about which to converse. That girl must've been puddy in his hands...

I'm sure I've overlooked several here, so feel free to chime in in the comments section with any phobias of Colin's that I've overlooked...

My First Blog

The Royal Heffernans
This is my first blog. I am just warming up. I hope to have more in the future. Ciao.