The Thetans Have Captured Suri

I'm sure by now that everyone is very concerned about the welfare of one very special superbaby, Suri Cruise. All the hoopla surrounding Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' pregnancy and new girl has now reached a fever pitch. Their unwillingness to allow friends or family to see the baby, let alone the all-powerful paparazzi has caused the rumors to go flying. Before we get to the jawdropping revelation, let's retrace some of the memorable events from the last year.

Tom Cruise Fires His Publicist
This was the catalyst for everything that has followed. He chose to replace this well-respected person (Pat Kingsley) who kept him a media darling for 2 decades with his Scientology sister, who had views closer to his own.

Tom Cruise Jumps on a Couch
Next came the whirlwind "romance" between Cruise and Holmes - known better by the paparazzi nickname TomKat. I won't even mention the number of starlets Cruise interviewed to be his girlfriend before Holmes agreed. This got off to a bang with Cruise's Oprah declaration of love. The media smells blood in the water. Endless punchlines and spoofs ensue.

Tom Cruise Gets Engaged
After dating for a month or 2, Cruise pulls the ultimate cliche proposal at the Eiffel Tower. Come on! He is the richest actor in Hollywood and the most romantic thing he can think of is the Eiffel Tower? What a loser! I bet the engagement ring is "fancy yellow" too! Tip for Tom: fancy yellow means the ring is impure and has poor coloring!

Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields
This implausable war was punctuated by yet another televised Cruise meltdown. Who will ever forget such one-liners as, "You're glib Matt," or my favorite, "Have you read about the history of psychology?" I can't belive Matt Lauer held it together. I would have been laughing my butt off as Cruise self-destructed on live television. Just a quick summary. Tom Cruise doesn't believe in anti-depressants. It is better for women suffering from post-partum depression to neglect their baby and committ suicide than to take a little prozac.

TomKat Get Pregnant
This one is just nuts. After a month or two of engagement, Holmes announces her pregnancy. The announcement is shocking in so many ways. First, I thought Tom Cruise was gay. He was supposed to be sterile too. How else could you explain the two adopted kids with Nicole Kidman. Why get pregnant when you are already engaged? Can Tom Cruise not afford condoms?

Suri is Born
The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard arrived on April 18, 2006. The delivery took place in secrecy with reportedly no sound. Sound is bad for Scientology babies. Cruise proudly announced to the world her name - Suri. Tom claims this means princess in Hebrew. Hebrew scholars argue otherwise. In Hebrew it actually means "go away." Alternate meanings include "pointy nose" in Indian and "pickpocket" in Japanese.

Suri Goes Missing
As the pregnancy progressed, various photos of Holmes show an ever changing belly size. Paparazzi started to wonder if the whole pregnancy was a sham. After the birth, Suri is not seen by any family or friends. Initially, Tom set up photo shoots, but they were cancelled. Now, 3 months after being born, nobody has seen the baby. The same Cruise who jumped on Oprah's couch has now become tight-lipped. The 22-year golden career has come crashing down in the last year, and this may be the final straw.

Bombshell
This series of bizarre events leads us to a shocking revelation. An internet news source uncovered Suri Cruise's birth certificate and put it online. Filed 20 days after the birth, this far exceeds the 10 day California limit. It also exceeds the actual filing date of every other baby born in the United States - the actual day of birth!!! Who leaves the hospital without filing birth certificate paperwork? Furthermore, the form was filed by a "Friend" and signed by someone who was not even present at the birth. Who was that person? None other than Anne Heffernan!

That's right, The Royal Heffernans strike again! Check out the actual document below! Our inside agent can exclusively reveal that this whole pregnancy is is sham. Cruise adopted another baby, and will soon seperate from Holmes. Just another PR stunt to hide his true Thetan self!