I Have Brought Great Dishonor To Our Family

For a long time I have been known as the Heffernan that can eat any and every thing put in front of me. I had my first hot dog at age 6 months. My brother and I once ate 64-oz Porterhouse steaks at the Chop House in Chicago and washed them down with apple pie. The old cliche' uttered by moms around the world at the dinner table of, "Take your time - nobody's going to steal your food." did not apply in our household because, invariably, someone would steal your food if you weren't paying attention. So this weekend I had a chance to put my mouth where my mouth is when I was unknowingly entered in a pie-eating contest by my wife and sister-in-law.

Mmmmm... pie

Upon being notified of said registration I felt somewhat hesitant to oblige. It's not that I wasn't hungry - I had eaten a fairly modest lunch of two cheeseburgers, two brats, and some sliced tomatoes and cucumbers - it's that I wasn't sure that I was in the mood for gorging myself on pie that evening. My original intention was to get drunk and gorge myself on crab cakes at the Taste of Cambridge (DE), but it would seem those plans were irrevocably altered. Further complicating things was the fact that I was not dressed for pie-eating, wearing a nice polo and khaki dress shorts. Finally, and possibly most importantly, was the fact that I didn't know what kind of pie I'd be eating. I prayed that it wasn't blueberry - the pie-eating contest standard, but awful-tasting variety.

That first bite is a doozy

Long story short - I did not win. I finished second in a field of 8. After the contest I felt fine physically, but shamed. I had failed. Upon reflection I committed several tactical errors which I will enumerate for you, the reader, in case you should ever find yourself in a pie-eating contest:

1. I opted for apple pie instead of cherry. I had 1 of 2 apple pies in the contest and I did this for two reasons. One - I didn't want to ruin my shirt or shorts. Two - I don't like cherry pie. This was a big mistake. These were homemade apple pies with big slices of apples. I would estimate that I had to chew 4x more than the winner (who went with cherry pie) for each mouthful of pie. In addition, I couldn't get as much in my mouth per bite because the apples just take up more room than cherries.
2. I started the contest with a mouthful of crust. This set me back considerably because the crust, although delicious, was somewhat dry. It pretty much dried my whole mouth up (it was a big bite) and took considerable effort to swallow. I would say that first mouthful of crust took me 3x times longer to swallow than any other mouthful during the contest. On the plus side it allowed me to develop my strategy early, which was to separate the guts of the pie, so to speak, from the crust and ensure that each mouthful consisted of plenty of apples and crust. This way the apples would provide natural moisture to help break down the crust in my mouth.
3. I didn't pay attention to my competition. My goal was to not concern myself with others' pace, but you can't help but look to see what's going on when 500 people are yelling about someone that isn't you. Unfortunately whenever I took a moment to size up the other eaters I only looked to my left since I was seated right of center and the eventual winner was seated to the far right, out of my peripheral vision.
4. I wasn't dressed for it. I was aware of the contest's existence and had joked about entering, but really didn't think I would thus my terribly inappropriate choice of clothing. Had I been wearing clothing I was less concerned with I would have opted for the cherry pie which, as unpalatable as it might be, would have been much easier to devour. More appropriate attire might have included a red t-shirt and soccer shorts which, in addition to being inexpensively replaced, would have afforded me the luxury of an elastic waistband.

The real kicker was that that scarfed-down apple pie was my dinner, in addition to about 14 Miller High Lifes (it's the Champagne of Beers, baby!), so, needless to say, my stomach was not in great shape the following morning.

Maybe next year

So all-in-all it was a disappointing outing, but also a great learning experience. Hopefully the next time I find myself in a situation where the speed in which I can consume an entire pie is the difference between fame and infamy I will be better prepared.