Reds Going For It!!!

The Reds lead the NL Wild Card race by 1.5 games. We are 3.5 back of the mighty Cards in the NL Central. Is it May, with a pre-injury Griffey in the line-up? HELL NO!!! It's July 31st!!!

How long has it been since the Reds were actually adding players at the trading deadline? Krivsky has thrown his cards down on the table and called "All-In" in the playoff race. I agree with his actions 100% so far. Picking up Guardado, Bray, Majewski, and now Cormier and Lohse at the deadline has completely flipped our dreadful bullpen. Lohse may have starter stuff, but that remains to be seen. We gave up a few prospects for these guys as well as Kearns and Lopez. a lot of people said we gave up too much. I think we gave what we had to in order to improve the club. In case you hadn't noticed, there aren't a lot of great pitchers on the market right now. These moves will make a difference.

Will we get into the playoffs? Not the way our starters have been pitching right now. We also need Griffey to start hitting the ball - AND STAY HEALTHY! I think Krivsky is still trying to work on a starter. Who knows if he'll pull it off. In the end, if we are in it until September, it will be a major leap for a team predicted universally to finish last in the NL Central.

PS: That photo is for karma!!! 44

More Like 1 in 1,000,000... So You're Telling Me I've Got A Chance

The Cincinnati Reds making the playoffs this year may have seemed a ridiculous notion 4 months ago, but they're still fighting. New management refuses to give up hope and offload players to other playoff contenders and is instead loading up on pitching for a playoff run. The latest acquisition is Twins right-handed pitcher Kyle Lohse who, although he is only 2-5 with a 7.12 ERA this year, has won 45 games over the past 4 seasons.

The Reds aren't misguided - they know they are a small-market team. They aren't going to be in the discussions for Alfonso Soriano and Bobby Abreu and Greg Maddux. What they have done, though, is quitely go out and shore up their relief pitching corps which were quite possibly the worst in the majors. With a potent offense and a more stable bullpen which will hopefully not blow all the 5-run leads it's handed moving into the 7th inning, the Reds have a fighting chance.

Who Dey! Wait... that's not for another month. Sorry...

RIP Lucie the cat

Lucie the cat has gone MIAPER

This past July 1st, a long-time member of The Royal Heffernans was declared as missing. Lucie (aka Lucifer and Lucie Cat) lived a long and fruitless life of nearly 10 years. As a young kitten, she fell into a window well and, though rescued, was scarred for life. Tortured relentlessly by Kevin, Colin, and Ian, and at best tolerated by Dad, Lucie was 15 lbs of pure hatred covered with fur. She whined and begged at every opportunity, and attacked anyone with little or no provocation. Had it not been for Mom, she would have been thrown out long ago by her arch-nemesis, Dad.

Lucie tirelessly worked not only to be the fattest, laziest cat in Provincial Point, but also the most stupid. Oftentimes she would attempt to corner and attack full-grown deer. When she did manage to attack an animal her own size (i.e. a rabbit), she was not intelligent enough to actually perform the coup de grace. Instead she played with her rabbit and let it get away. Moments later she would be observed pining at the back door for her 3:15PM feeding.

The demise of Lucie is of somewhat dubious occurrences. She was let outside by this author while Mom and Dad were visiting Ava in NOLA. Lucie did not return to the house later that day or the next, and her current whereabouts are unknown. The last time Lucie was seen was July 1, 2006 at approximately 12:15PM EST. While she is not confirmed as dead, she is officially listed as MIAPER (Missing in Action and Presumed Eaten by a Raccoon).

We will not miss Lucie. We will not leave any memorial in her honor, as she had none. In the roll call of Heffernan pets she is somewhat better than Rascal, but lagging far behind the gold standard of Oscar. (Oh Oscar, you who were taken from us so young!) We will always remember Lucie for her famous statement "meow", uttered numerous times whilst she chased the red laser pointer in circles until she was ready to vomit. Her random attacks, gobs of shedded hair, untrimmed claws, and all-around ill-tempered-ness is taken from us forever. There will only ever be one Lucie, and for that I am profoundly thankful.

The Thetans Have Captured Suri

I'm sure by now that everyone is very concerned about the welfare of one very special superbaby, Suri Cruise. All the hoopla surrounding Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' pregnancy and new girl has now reached a fever pitch. Their unwillingness to allow friends or family to see the baby, let alone the all-powerful paparazzi has caused the rumors to go flying. Before we get to the jawdropping revelation, let's retrace some of the memorable events from the last year.

Tom Cruise Fires His Publicist
This was the catalyst for everything that has followed. He chose to replace this well-respected person (Pat Kingsley) who kept him a media darling for 2 decades with his Scientology sister, who had views closer to his own.

Tom Cruise Jumps on a Couch
Next came the whirlwind "romance" between Cruise and Holmes - known better by the paparazzi nickname TomKat. I won't even mention the number of starlets Cruise interviewed to be his girlfriend before Holmes agreed. This got off to a bang with Cruise's Oprah declaration of love. The media smells blood in the water. Endless punchlines and spoofs ensue.

Tom Cruise Gets Engaged
After dating for a month or 2, Cruise pulls the ultimate cliche proposal at the Eiffel Tower. Come on! He is the richest actor in Hollywood and the most romantic thing he can think of is the Eiffel Tower? What a loser! I bet the engagement ring is "fancy yellow" too! Tip for Tom: fancy yellow means the ring is impure and has poor coloring!

Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields
This implausable war was punctuated by yet another televised Cruise meltdown. Who will ever forget such one-liners as, "You're glib Matt," or my favorite, "Have you read about the history of psychology?" I can't belive Matt Lauer held it together. I would have been laughing my butt off as Cruise self-destructed on live television. Just a quick summary. Tom Cruise doesn't believe in anti-depressants. It is better for women suffering from post-partum depression to neglect their baby and committ suicide than to take a little prozac.

TomKat Get Pregnant
This one is just nuts. After a month or two of engagement, Holmes announces her pregnancy. The announcement is shocking in so many ways. First, I thought Tom Cruise was gay. He was supposed to be sterile too. How else could you explain the two adopted kids with Nicole Kidman. Why get pregnant when you are already engaged? Can Tom Cruise not afford condoms?

Suri is Born
The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard arrived on April 18, 2006. The delivery took place in secrecy with reportedly no sound. Sound is bad for Scientology babies. Cruise proudly announced to the world her name - Suri. Tom claims this means princess in Hebrew. Hebrew scholars argue otherwise. In Hebrew it actually means "go away." Alternate meanings include "pointy nose" in Indian and "pickpocket" in Japanese.

Suri Goes Missing
As the pregnancy progressed, various photos of Holmes show an ever changing belly size. Paparazzi started to wonder if the whole pregnancy was a sham. After the birth, Suri is not seen by any family or friends. Initially, Tom set up photo shoots, but they were cancelled. Now, 3 months after being born, nobody has seen the baby. The same Cruise who jumped on Oprah's couch has now become tight-lipped. The 22-year golden career has come crashing down in the last year, and this may be the final straw.

Bombshell
This series of bizarre events leads us to a shocking revelation. An internet news source uncovered Suri Cruise's birth certificate and put it online. Filed 20 days after the birth, this far exceeds the 10 day California limit. It also exceeds the actual filing date of every other baby born in the United States - the actual day of birth!!! Who leaves the hospital without filing birth certificate paperwork? Furthermore, the form was filed by a "Friend" and signed by someone who was not even present at the birth. Who was that person? None other than Anne Heffernan!

That's right, The Royal Heffernans strike again! Check out the actual document below! Our inside agent can exclusively reveal that this whole pregnancy is is sham. Cruise adopted another baby, and will soon seperate from Holmes. Just another PR stunt to hide his true Thetan self!

World Cup Soup #9

The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.

Insane Zidane

The World Cup is all over. But you know what else is finished? French hopes of a 2nd World Cup, the integrity of the Golden Ball award and Zinedine Zidane's career. Oh yeah, he also lost his sanity, integrity, reputation and ruined his legacy.

What a complete moron. He is the captain of his team in the final game of the World Cup and his career. He has to know the stakes. It was 2nd OT and only minutes away from a shootout. Zidane is the best PK man for his team, having already scored one earlier in the game. Of course, Italy won in the shootout. Who was the only man to miss a France PK? Zidane's replacement!

This incident is a perfectly appropriate conclusion to a flawed World Cup. It clearly illustrates the HUGE problem that plagued Germany 2006. Referees call fouls for every dive a player makes, leading to even more dives to induce a foul. If a player makes an especially dramatic dive, its a card. The cards plagued the Cup like never before. Meanwhile, off-the-ball mugging continues. Unfortunately for Zidane, it took approximately 6 games, 110 minutes before he could take it no more. Apparently, he was being assaulted at all times during the game, but the additional comments made by Materazzi must have done it. Several reports state it was a racist comment (dirty terrorist), but Zidane will probably never comment. In any case, Zidane is the goat. Hopefully, an upcoming FIFA summit proposed by Franz Beckenbauer will address some of the issues we have discussed ad nauseum on this blog.

I Have Brought Great Dishonor To Our Family

For a long time I have been known as the Heffernan that can eat any and every thing put in front of me. I had my first hot dog at age 6 months. My brother and I once ate 64-oz Porterhouse steaks at the Chop House in Chicago and washed them down with apple pie. The old cliche' uttered by moms around the world at the dinner table of, "Take your time - nobody's going to steal your food." did not apply in our household because, invariably, someone would steal your food if you weren't paying attention. So this weekend I had a chance to put my mouth where my mouth is when I was unknowingly entered in a pie-eating contest by my wife and sister-in-law.

Mmmmm... pie

Upon being notified of said registration I felt somewhat hesitant to oblige. It's not that I wasn't hungry - I had eaten a fairly modest lunch of two cheeseburgers, two brats, and some sliced tomatoes and cucumbers - it's that I wasn't sure that I was in the mood for gorging myself on pie that evening. My original intention was to get drunk and gorge myself on crab cakes at the Taste of Cambridge (DE), but it would seem those plans were irrevocably altered. Further complicating things was the fact that I was not dressed for pie-eating, wearing a nice polo and khaki dress shorts. Finally, and possibly most importantly, was the fact that I didn't know what kind of pie I'd be eating. I prayed that it wasn't blueberry - the pie-eating contest standard, but awful-tasting variety.

That first bite is a doozy

Long story short - I did not win. I finished second in a field of 8. After the contest I felt fine physically, but shamed. I had failed. Upon reflection I committed several tactical errors which I will enumerate for you, the reader, in case you should ever find yourself in a pie-eating contest:

1. I opted for apple pie instead of cherry. I had 1 of 2 apple pies in the contest and I did this for two reasons. One - I didn't want to ruin my shirt or shorts. Two - I don't like cherry pie. This was a big mistake. These were homemade apple pies with big slices of apples. I would estimate that I had to chew 4x more than the winner (who went with cherry pie) for each mouthful of pie. In addition, I couldn't get as much in my mouth per bite because the apples just take up more room than cherries.
2. I started the contest with a mouthful of crust. This set me back considerably because the crust, although delicious, was somewhat dry. It pretty much dried my whole mouth up (it was a big bite) and took considerable effort to swallow. I would say that first mouthful of crust took me 3x times longer to swallow than any other mouthful during the contest. On the plus side it allowed me to develop my strategy early, which was to separate the guts of the pie, so to speak, from the crust and ensure that each mouthful consisted of plenty of apples and crust. This way the apples would provide natural moisture to help break down the crust in my mouth.
3. I didn't pay attention to my competition. My goal was to not concern myself with others' pace, but you can't help but look to see what's going on when 500 people are yelling about someone that isn't you. Unfortunately whenever I took a moment to size up the other eaters I only looked to my left since I was seated right of center and the eventual winner was seated to the far right, out of my peripheral vision.
4. I wasn't dressed for it. I was aware of the contest's existence and had joked about entering, but really didn't think I would thus my terribly inappropriate choice of clothing. Had I been wearing clothing I was less concerned with I would have opted for the cherry pie which, as unpalatable as it might be, would have been much easier to devour. More appropriate attire might have included a red t-shirt and soccer shorts which, in addition to being inexpensively replaced, would have afforded me the luxury of an elastic waistband.

The real kicker was that that scarfed-down apple pie was my dinner, in addition to about 14 Miller High Lifes (it's the Champagne of Beers, baby!), so, needless to say, my stomach was not in great shape the following morning.

Maybe next year

So all-in-all it was a disappointing outing, but also a great learning experience. Hopefully the next time I find myself in a situation where the speed in which I can consume an entire pie is the difference between fame and infamy I will be better prepared.

So Who's Forcing You To Watch What Now?

Yesterday espn.com ran not one, but two articles that were pseudo-soccer bashing (here and here). The difference between these and the normal "I hate soccer, soccer is for sissies, American football - now that's a sport, blah, blah, blah"-type article was that these authors, Jim Caple and Bill Simmons, both claimed to enjoy soccer but still did some discreet bashing by saying they are tired of people shoving it down their throats and forcing them to watch it.

So my question is who exactly is forcing you to watch anything? Is it ESPN who, prior to this World Cup, would show maybe 1 MLS game per week? Was it Fox Soccer Channel, a channel so obscure I had to order a special sports package from my cable company to get it? No, it was these same jackass sportswriters who, years ago, noticed that every kid in the United States was playing soccer instead of Little League or pee-wee football. They saw this and realized, "Gee, every kid in America is playing this sport. It's probably only a matter of time before it becomes popular, maybe even dominant. I guess I better start to get used to it."

Fast forward a few years. Soccer is doing okay, but obviously will never be the biggest sport in America for numerous reasons - diving, revenue system, league structure, etc... ABC and ESPN decide to show every World Cup game in HD and now these guys are hypocritically complaining about people forcing it upon them, when the ones who did the forcing were themselves.

Listen, not everyone loves, or even likes, soccer. That's fine. Not everyone likes hockey either or NBA basketball or (gasp!) baseball. But why do these knuckleheads feel the need to continually go out of their way to bash soccer? If you don't like it, just don't watch it. There's no need to get on your pulpit and tell everyone how boring and soft soccer is and try to force your opinion on us. The media won't (and can't) kill soccer in the United States - not with the ratings this (and the last) World Cup has received. Not with ESPN and ABC finally paying MLS for television rights for the first time this year (as opposed to MLS having to pay them, which has always been the case previously). Not with MLS owners building soccer-only stadiums across the country. Face it, soccer is likely here to stay, but will be at best the number 4 pro league (behind NFL, MLB, and NBA, but possibly in front of NHL). So save you're breath and your bashing and just enjoy the beautiful game. Who knows, you may even come to enjoy it...

USA, USA, USA

Happy Birthday America!

Shows You Should Be Watching That You May Not Even Know Exist

So summertime is here and aside from stroke-inducing heat it also brings us an utter lack of television options as network stalwarts such as Lost, 24, and Family Guy are all repeats, if that. So to help you through those long, hot nights here are some television programs that you might want to catch up on:

Deadwood, Sundays @ 9pm EST on HBO - I know, I know the cost of HBO isn't worth the few decent shows it has, but I got 6 months free when I got my HD box and this show is the best they have. The Sopranos? Absolutely awful. Entourage? Pretty entertaining. But Deadwood is the balls. It took me about three episodes to understand the language - never have I heard the words 'motherfucker' and 'cocksucker' used in such formal and eloquent manner. If you don't have HBO, seasons 1 and 2 are now available on DVD. Just a great all-around show worth a weekly viewing.

The Venture Bros., Sundays @ 10:30pm on Cartoon Network - Remember those cheesy, old Jonny Quest cartoons? Well, The Venture Bros. is a knock-off that is absolutely hilarious. Great characters, hilarious plot lines. Season 1 is also available on DVD.

Dirty Jobs, Tuesdays @ 9pm on Discovery - Absolutely hilarious. I'm so glad Discovery is finally moving aware from all that motorcycle and metal shop crap and getting back to their roots. Dirty Jobs follows the outstanding Mike Rowe as he helps those who have arguably the nastiest jobs in the world. Pig farmers, sewage inspector, horse breeder - Rowe has done it all and makes me laugh out load 3-4 times per show.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Thursday @ 10pm on FX - I just stumbled across It's Always Sunny a couple weeks ago and I am hooked. Unfortunately, this season they've added the terrifically unfunny Danny Devito to the cast so I'm hoping he doesn't ruin a good thing with his shitty schtick.

Psych, Friday @ 10pm on USA - Ok, so this doesn't premiere until this Friday, July 7, but it looks very promising. In the same vein as the fantastic Monk, Psych follows a phony psychic as he solves crimes using basic skills of deduction. I have my fingers crossed.

The beauty of all of these shows is that they're on cable, so they are in the midst of new episodes right now because the don't want to compete with the networks. So quit enjoying the weather and return to you sweet friend television - the only one who really loves you...

FIFA Needs to Change Some Rules

As a foul-plagued World Cup 2006 comes to a close I find myself looking back on what could have (and what should have) been. The biggest story of the World Cup by far has been the terrible job done by referees. Whether they've been goaded into awarding penalties by classless diving or just plain inconsistent they've been a blemish on this tournament. Here's some changes that FIFA should consider in order to increase appeal for the best sporting event in the world.

• Revisit their "tackles from behind, shirt tugging, and diving" crackdown attempt. Yellow cards are now meaningless, which should not be. What's the difference between Cristiano Ronaldo getting viciously spiked in the inner thigh by a Dutch defender and Deco taking two steps with the ball after a foul? Well, apparently nothing in the eyes of the referee because both offenses merited yellow cards. In the case of Deco, it was his second of the game and resulted in red. FIFA needs to tell refs to a) be more consistent and b) use better judgement. Is carrying the ball a bookable offense? Sure, but not when it's going to affect the outcome of the game. Use some common-sense.
  
• Harsher penalties for diving. Diving, put simply, is the biggest blight on the game today. Ask any American who doesn't follow soccer why and invariably they will say all the sissies falling down and faking. Not only does it give the sport a bad name, it ruins the flow of the game. Worse still are players who dive and fake injuries specifically to get others thrown out of the game. If refs are not going to call a foul in diving situations then they must card the diver.
• Injury penalties should be introduced. In international soccer each team is only allowed 3 substitutions per game, no exceptions. So you will often see injured players treated on the field or just off it only to return to play moments later - the trade off is that the team must play a man down while the injured player is being treated until he returns or is substituted. Unfortunately, this has resulted in players faking injuries to stop play. They'll be stretchered off, but miraculously recover within seconds and return to the game. FIFA should impose a time penalty for players that need to be treated for injuries. These penalties would force players to think twice before staying down as they would be hurting their entire team. More importantly, they would be hurting themselves as managers may opt to sub them out rather than wait out the time penalty. I would suggest the following:
• 10 minutes - player needs treatment on the field
• 15 minutes - player is stretchered off the field
• Introduce limited, television replay for near-goal disputes and dives. FIFA has been reluctant to take advantage of this technology because they feel it would interrupt the flow of the game. In the case of goal disputes, the play has likely halted anyway so what does it matter. In the case of dives, FIFA could take a page from the NFL and award coaches two(2) "challenges" per game. If they think a player faked a foul and/or injury to halt the game submit a challenge to the fourth official. The fourth official and head referee can check the replay. If it was a dive or fake, the diver/faker is given a yellow card, if it was legit the manager is given a yellow card. Players would think twice about diving as they may be called on it and penalized and coaches wouldn't abuse the system and stop play willy-nilly as they could potentially be ejected as well.
• Change the accumulated yellow card rule for all major tournaments. As Dave O'Brien and Marcelo Balboa have hammered into our heads over the last 3 weeks - two accumulated yellow cards in group or elimination play results in players missing the next game. This is an incredibly unfair/stupid rule as some of the game's best players often miss out on very important matches because of the stupidity and inconsistency of the horrible referees. FIFA can keep it for group play, but players should have carte blanche once they get to the tournament's last 4. This would ensure that all the best players are eligible to play in the finals as no one could pick up some ticky-tack card that, in concert with a card 3 games ago, would force them to sit out.
  

These changes are probably too drastic for FIFA, but they make sense for the good of the game. And unless FIFA wants international soccer to be dominated by a bunch of diving sissies who can only win by faking injuries until the other team has no players left (I'm looking at you, Portugal) they need to make drastic changes. The technology is there, the resources are there, they just need to get off their duffs and make it happen.