I Probably Should Have Died Then

Ever had one of those experiences that, while enjoyable at the time, makes you break out in cold sweats 12 hours (or 12 minutes) later upon reflection of the shear stupidity of the acts involved? These are those experiences.
Episode 4: RACCOON HUNT!
RACCOON HUNT! is in all caps and contains an exclamation point because that's the way it was always said. For example:

Mom: I think I hear something out in the garbage.
Ted, Colin, Kevin, and I (simultaneously): RACCOON HUNT!

or

Rhett: Dude, if I play another game of FIFA '95 I'm going to kill myself. You guys want to do anything else?
Colin, Kevin, and I: RACCOON HUNT!

There were several incarnations of the RACCOON HUNT!, but one in particular sticks out in my mind. Wrote a song about it. Here it go...

It happened in the Summer of Drunk - a forgotten (quite literally) June during which Shane worked at a wings joint in Batavia. I'd close shop with him and get drunk every night. Every night for an entire month. It was fun. It was cheap. It was 30 days I'll never remember and 30,000,000 brain cells I'm never getting back. Anywho... after a normal night of binge drinking, Rhett, my trusty and, more importantly, always sober sidekick (and therefore de facto designated driver) was taking me back to the Copperglow Compound at around 1am. As I told Rhett he was my best friend for driving me home he said, "Dude, why are your little brothers running around the house?"

RACCOON HUNT!

And so it begins.

I should mention that up to this point, a RACCOON HUNT! had never actually yielded a RACCOON KILL! Tonight that would change.

I reconnoitered with Colin and Kevin and was dismayed to discover they had already claimed dibs on all the best weaponry available in the Heffernan household. By "best weaponry" I mean a sawed-off BB gun (yes, I said a sawed-off BB gun) that required at least 30 pumps to even be noticeable and an old modified suction-cup crossbow that we had received one year from Santa and that within 10 minutes of being unwrapped had been retrofitted to shoot darts from our dartboard. Seeing that our usual cache of slingshots had been lost at sea (see Chapter 1 of these sagas), I was left with 2 options:

1. An old and unwieldy bow and arrow set my sister had gotten one Christmas
2. A sharp stick and some rocks

I opted for the stick and rocks.

This night fortune was on our side. I ran into the woods to flush out the raccoon. Colin peppered me with BBs while Kevin kept his crossbow at the ready. Surprisingly, the sticks and rocks were less effective than one would imagine. Go figure. So I flush the raccoon out into the open, and, to spare you the gory details, we didn't have any problems with raccoons in the garbage after that night.

Yeah, it was kind of anticlimatic and yeah, I guess I was never really in mortal peril - unless you don't consider RABIES to be serious... but no one got rabies. I was pretty drunk, but on a drunkenness richter scale this was probably only around a 6.5 out of 10. For reference I have raced (and won) the Indianapolis 500 at 7 and delivered triplets via Caesarian section at an 8. So this really wasn't too bad, I just wanted to type RACCOON HUNT! 3 or 4 times. Suck it...

Sweet New Website

Leave it to a beer manufacturer to create the next coolest website:

Click here


I took the liberty of giving the site a test run: Click here


Have fun wasting hours of your life, trust me, you will.

My glorious Rocket past

OK, so I was really bored at work today and wandered onto the McNicholas HS website (www.mcnhs.org). I actually enjoy looking at the track pages because they are very well kept up by the current coach - Dan Rosembaum. He also has all the old records back up - of which 2 Heffernans are there (Colin is 50.5 for the 400, and Colin and I are still on the best 4x400 team at 3:25.2).

But anywho, I was looking at last seasons performance of McNick soccer. Led by the sagacious head coach - Chris Kanis - and his excellent assistants - Padre and Chris Steuer, the Rockets achieved a stellar record of 2-14 on the pitch, with victories over Roger Bacon and Withrow. Unfortunately, on the season the Rockets were outscored to 68 to 11, with 9-0 blowouts to both St. X and Moeller. Just about every other game was a blowout, as can be told by the total score on the season. And there's no hope in site, what with the wondrous Jeff Hutchinson leading the reserve team to ignominous defeat as well.

I remember Ted's and Ian's years at McNick, where the soccer team was a power to be reckoned with. And I remember how even with Berning as coach, we managed to win a district title. However, McNick is now terrible, and for some reason I'm happy about that. Maybe it's because I know my junior year team was the last great team before the death spiral that began senior year. I just like to know that after I left McNick soccer, it was never as good again as it was under my watch.

Countdown to Opening Day

The Reds drive to the pennant begins Monday as we trounce the lame Cubs. I am actually pretty optimistic about the season with a servicable rotation for the first time in 10 years. Yeah, we didn't get the #1 starter that we really needed, but it should be a competative team.

The best part is that Griffey has had a LIGHTS OUT spring. He hit over .500 in the World Baseball Classic - clearly the best player for the USA. He has been close to .500 with the team since then and is hitting the ball all over the park.

My prediction is simple. If Griffey stays healthy and plays 130 games, and we have 3 starters who can put together 200 innings a piece, we will be in the Wild Card race in September. I'm not saying we'll win it, just be in it!

Matt Doherty on Michigan Avenue

This weekend Liz, me , Mom, and Dad were walking down Michigan Avenue in Chicago when who do we see, none other than ex-ND head basketball coach Matt Doherty. I was excited to see him walking by and was going to say something to him when I suddenly realized, what the heck could I ever say to this guy? Here are some possible opening lines:

1. Wow, nice to meet you again Coach (he once addressed the men of Knott Hall so I feel we have already been properly introduced), you should have never left Notre Dame.

2. Wow, nice to meet you again Coach, that really sucks how you almost ran North Carolina's program into the ground, and then have to see them win it all shortly thereafter. How did that feel?

3. Hello coach, how are things at Florida Atlantic?

As you can see this man definitely made some poor life choices.

George Mason is my hero

So I have no idea who George Mason the person is/was, but my guess is that he's celebrating along with the rest of us at the providence of his namesake basketball team.

Yeah, I had UConn winning it all, and it would have given me a much better chance of winning the bracket pool if they had beat the Patriots, but I just couldn't help but root for the men in green. Yeah, I'm done in my bracket, but I've got a solid 4th place finish. I almost had no no team left that I could really get behind and root for in the Final Four - I hate Florida and UCLA, UConn is only OK (since they're Big East), and I've gotten sick of hearing about "Big Baby" and LSU. But now I have George Mason Partiots, the biggest Cinderella to make the Final Four since 1986's LSU team (also an 11 seed).

Can George Mason win? I don't know. I never gave them them a chance again UConn. And when it went into overtime, I considered it over. UConn had squashed Albany and Washington in similar finishes - George Mason would just be the next victim. But after watching them dominate inside on the big UConn players, I think this George Mason team has got something going. They've survived some big, tough opponents, and I think they have a shot against Florida.

Also, I'd like to point out that Jim Nance and Billy Packer were rude, unprofessional jerks to the NCAA Selection Committee chairman for not including more power conference schools. George Mason was a team they grilled the guy on - saying that league rival Hofstra, or Cincinnati should have made the tournament rather than the Patriots. Nance and Packer made no mention of their open hostility towards the chairman during Sunday's games, something which I distinctly noticed. They are able to accuse and berate, but neither can be apologetic and humble when proven wrong. George Mason, keep making Nance and Packer look stupid!

South Park is the Best Show Ever

For me, tv shows seem to lose their luster the longer they're around. And if you try to go back and watch old episodes they don't seem as entertaining as they originally did. But South Park? That show is the real deal.

I once said that the South Park Scientology send-up from last November was the best television show I have ever seen. Well, I think Matt Stone and Trey Parker may have trumped that with last night's 'The Return of Chef!' season premiere. If you haven't seen it, you MUST catch a re-run either tonight or over the next week. If you have TiVo or a DVR, record it and set it to 'Never Delete' status. It is that good.

Here's the thing that sets South Park apart - their social satire is scathing and ruthless and no one is spared, but it is absolutely spot on. As a Catholic, I've been on the receiving end of many a South Park episode, but I've never taken offense. I can't. They are so on-target that any objective, logical person would be hard-pressed to disagree. Plus, whenever someone dies on the show they crap their pants... explosively. If these two ran on a ticket for President and Vice President I would vote for them. I'm serious...

Screwed by AOL

So today I made another phone call to AOL-Time Warner. Awhile back, I needed a cheap dial-up service. I foolishly resorted to AOL because I had a handy AOL install CD lying around. I installed the dial-up service and have been in Hell ever since.

Today marked the fifth time in six months I've called about the same issue with my account. Apparently, when you have an AOL account and high-speed Internet with Warner Cable, you get your AOL account free. Now, I almost never use the AOL account after the initial need for the dial-up service, but since it was bundled free with my high-speed Internet, I decided not to make a big deal by canceling my account. First mistake.

I first noticed the charge on my account in October. I promptly called and asked why I was being charged. AOL said "don't worry, we'll credit your account and we've made changes so this charge won't appear on your next statement." OK, I said. Second mistake.

I noticed I was being charged again in December. I called and asked to have my account cancelled and my money credited. AOL said "there was an error last month and our billing cycle was reset. We promise there won't be any more charges." OK, I said. Third mistake.

I called and was told similar lies in January and February, though the lie was told to me by the AOL manager in February. Still haven't had my account cancelled, but I got the manager's name (Mark) and email address. I still haven't gotten my account cancelled, though I tried both anger, and niceties to do so. Fourth mistake.

So now we're in March, and I get another bill. I call, and after waiting on hold for nearly 20 minutes because their voice recognition software can't understand I'm saying "M-A-R" as the first three letters of my account name. I finally get to the cancellations department ("Hi, this is Mary") and ask for Mark. Mary says, "Mark was transferred last week, but I can help you with your problem." I then begin explaining my problem again. I'm cool, calm, and collected, and don't lose my patience with Mary, the poor lemming on the other end of the phone who lives and dies by the paper script of lies she is allowed to tell customers. Again I am promised that the problem is escalated and there will not be another issue with my account. When I insist on my account being cancelled, Mary puts me on hold to speak with her manager. She returns momentarily saying that she can cancel my account due to the documented problems with it. I sigh in relief. However, Mary tells me "We can only credit your account for the charge if you maintain your AOL account." Translation, I'm out $25 bucks if I cancel my account. WHAT THE F*%#!!!

So I calmly (I know, my temper didn't explode and I didn't lose control!) responded, "Please escalate the issue to your new manager, don't cancel my account, and credit me the charge on my account." Meanwhile I'm seething mad and, though unusual for me these days, I want to punch Mary right in the face.

OK, so AOL is the most corrupt excuse for a company in America, and I actually am hoping for an Enron-esque debacle to befall them (Terrorists reading this blog, please feel free to target AOL). Apparently the state of Ohio had similar problems, as in June 2005, Ohio settled with AOL in a lawsuit charging AOL with failure to honor customers’ requests to cancel their accounts. Dammit! I'm 9 months too late!

Obviously I should never have contracted in any way with AOL to provide any service. That is the root of this evil. But I am so pissed off that I can't cancel my account without losing my money. Once I get my credit back on my credit card, I am going to call and do anything necessary to cancel my account. What will most likely end up happening is I'll lose my high-speed Internet service and my TV (both provided by Time Warner). Fortunately, AOL is always ready to get their claws into the next sucker.

I'm Tired Of Baseball and Steroids

Since the Barry Bonds Revelation dropped a few weeks ago steroids in baseball have been a pretty hot topic. The consensus of sportswriters and fans alike is that Bonds is guilty, guilty as hell. But lately I've been seeing a very odd argument in defense of Bonds. Namely, that although the unprescribed use of steroids is a federal crime they've never been banned by MLB; ergo, as far as baseball is concerned steroids are, and what Bonds did is, just fine.

This, sirs and madams, is asinine. Is MLB required to add every state and federal law into their rules and regulations? No, because it is pretty much common sense. MLB should be able to strike Bonds and his records from the books because he was committing a federal crime for several years that was directly accountable for his statistics and play. Imagine if Bonds' home runs occurred because every time he got a hit he just pulled out a gun and shot the opposing team's players as he ran around the bases. I'm fairly certain that pulling out a gun and shooting people isn't in the MLB by-laws, but I think his records probably wouldn't last - call it a hunch.

There are a lot of things that aren't explicitly written down as rules. You do not kick the umpire in the sack. You cannot take a dump on second base. You should not sexually molest the Philly Phanatic. But these things are still wrong, either legally (in a don't-drop-the-soap sense of the word, not the MLB sense) or morally. Bonds shouldn't be excused because of a glitch in the system. He shouldn't be let off the hook because what he did was, technically (again, in the eyes of MLB only), legal.

This will make it simple. Arrest Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa on steroid and tax-evasion charges. I think everyone can agree that although what they did was okay with baseball, it isn't with the federal government. Then, as they sit out their prison sentences and re-enact scenes from Oz we can decide whether or not they are worthy of records and recognition by baseball and its fans. That should help to uncloud our judgement on the matter.

The Basketball Gods Hate Me

Less than 24 hours after the basketball gods dropped a collective deuce on my NCAA bracket they did it again, this time in the form a double OT Notre Dame loss to Michigan in the NIT.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - this loss falls squarely on the shoulders of Mike Brey. Notre Dame had 14 losses this season by a combined 54 points. Factor out the 14-point loss to NC State and that's 13 losses by just 40 points, or just over 3 points/loss. Six overtime games (3 in double OT), six losses. His line-ups have no rhyme or reason. One night McAlarney will play 20 minutes and Ayers will DNP-CD, the next Ayers plays 20 minutes and McAlarney is DNP-CD. Rob Kurz continues the trend of unathletic big men who think they are point guards and 3-point specialists without repurcussions. Colin Falls has custom shoes made out of lead. We are wearing hideous black uniforms. And now we lose one of the best players to come through the program in a long time, Chris Quinn.

This program is in shambles, and for some reason it appears Notre Dame is sticking by Brey. If he doesn't take Notre Dame to the Sweet 16 next year, I'm starting firemikebrey.com and buying billboard space on Grape Rd. We could totally rehire Matt Doherty from Florida Atlantic...