I Am The Smartest Man Alive!

Ian posted a blog entry before last Thanksgiving worrying about the new airport security measures with the "full body scanners."

So Very, Very Tempted

I laughed out loud when I read this article today on CNN.com

Cancer risk is low, but possible in airport scanners

If you read my comment from the blog post 5 months ago, you will see that my conclusion mirrors that of the Archives of Internal Medicine, a very well respected journal in medicine. Or is it the other way around??? I think our little blog here is getting very, very powerful!!! Next, I'm just waiting for the NFL and NFLPA to click on, and they can see my simple solution and end this stupid lockout.

By the way, I must mention the total douche in the CNN article that was quoted as an "expert," David Brenner, the director of the Center for Radiological Research at the Columbia University Medical Center.

“The bottom line is that both my paper and this suggest that there will be some cancers produced in the long run from mass screening with X-rays.

Notice how he quickly refers to his own paper. I guess he subscribes to the linear no-threshold dose model (LNT). Unfortunately, he is wrong. There is scientific debate over this topic, which I will not bore you with, but every radiological society agrees the LNT model is incorrect. The only people that believe it are government groups run by politicians that don't understand and are too scared of radiation and nuclear power to base their decisions on reasonable facts. But this a-hole goes even further.

“The analogy I usually give is with someone buying a lottery ticket. Your individual chance of winning is extremely small, but we do know that some people will indeed win. There is considerable uncertainty about just how many cancers that will be.”

No there f-ing isn't! It is nothing like a lottery ticket! Lottery odds are based on actual stats. This risk is based on a false assumption! Furthermore, his statement shows his ignorance. If he actually does believe in the LNT model, then HE CAN CALCULATE THE NUMBER OF ADDITIONAL CANCERS! THAT'S WHAT THAT MODEL DOES!!!! Very convenient that he leaves that important fact out. You also notice how the premise of the article is not mentioned again: If you are worried about getting cancer from a backscatter machine, then what the hell are you doing getting on a plane? You are over 100 times more likely to get cancer from the actual flight!!!

This is classic cover-you-butt politics. It makes me sick.

NFL Labor Dispute is a Joke!

So we all wait with baited breath as the media-proclaimed "Armageddon" approaches, 5pm Friday when the NFL CBA officially expires (after 2 extensions).

As we wait, it is clear that the only issue that really matters is that the owners need more money, and are debating about just how much. Increasing to 18 games will do that. A rookie wage scale will also do that. The NFLPA is willing to discuss those terms. The NFLPA, of course, wants better pension and healthcare for retired players. Seems they should be able to save for their healthcare like everyone else in America, but fine. That's peanuts.

The big issue is the revenue sharing plan. The media would have you believe the players and owners are $1 billion apart. Currently, the owners get $1 billion off the top before players get 59.6% of the rest. The owners have made a firm proposal of what they want with regards to revenue sharing: they want $2 billion off the top. The players have countered that they want to see the books, which will never happen. In lieu of that, the NFLPA proposed a 50% split of ALL revenue without taking anything off the top. Apparently, the NFL walked out at the mere thought of that.

So, are we really $1 billion apart? I prepared a little Excel table to calculate it all out. I have not seen this presented anywhere online, but I think it is 100% sound. You can see the numbers for yourself. The owners want an additional $18.625 million per team. The players are offering $8.375 million per team. In total, the actual difference between actual proposals that have been reported is $328 million.

So I, the great arbiter, have determined that a compromise will take the following form:

1) Get rid of any money off the top
As revenue grows (as it did since the last CBA), anything off the top becomes less valuable.

2) Split the difference in the two "on record" proposals:

• Owner share of revenue is 51.8% (an increase of $432 million or $13.5 million per team)
• Player share of revenue is 48.2 % (a decrease of the same amount)

3) Implement a simple rookie wage scale
This helps owners and veteran players. If less of the players' 48.2% is tied up for unproven rookie contracts, veterans get paid more! Owners will have more flexibility in the draft and holdouts will be over.

4) Implement a fund for player pension and healthcare
It is the right thing to do. These players get brutalized, and last on average 3 years in the league. The owners still make money when they are walking corpses (see Al Davis).

5) If that isn't enough, go ahead and add 2 more games
More money, but reduce the preseason and limit off-season OTA's. Nobody really thinks the NFL needs 2 more games, but fine.

This is a victory for owners who increase revenue. And the increased revenue is now protected from future increases to the total pot. They can also increase revenue for both sides by increasing games which increases the $9 billion pot. The players take a hit, but veteran salaries will increase with a rookie wage scale, and they get healthcare and pension.

GET IT DONE!!! I NEED TO START PLANNING A FANTASY SEASON!!!

CBA... WINNING!!!

Best (Video Game) Trailer Ever?

From time to time, we discuss movies on this blog, but this may be a first. CNN had an article this week about a new internet phenomenon - Dead Island.

Dead Island is an upcoming video game, in what I think is the funniest genre name of all, "horror survival." Horror survival is just what it sounds like. Some monsters are trying to kill you, and you must survive and solve the mystery. The first game I know of in this genre was Resident Evil. I remember many hours we all wasted in the basement on Copperglow playing Playstation and trying to win that one. Anyway, there are countless sequels, knock-offs, spin-offs and even movies that now fill this niche. Dead Island would just be another in a long list, right?

Wrong. Seeking to avoid being another face in the crowd, the developer, Deep Silver, created a pretty amazing trailer to release online. How amazing, watch for yourself above. It has instantly become an internet sensation. Many are calling it the best game trailer ever released. It is essentially guaranteed to become a blockbuster when it is released. There is even talk of an actual movie - and there isn't even a release date yet on the game!

Is it the best video game trailer ever? I have no idea. Have you ever even seen a video game trailer? I haven't. But I watched it, and agree. It is phenomenal. If actual movie trailers were this good, Hollywood could guarantee a #1 opening weekend. I'll never buy this or any other computer game, but I am definitely rooting for Dead Island to do well. Deep Silver should be rewarded for their awesome preview. Plus, I want some sequels so I can see more awesome trailers like this!

ps: Great, now I have to start planning for another end-of-the-world scenario. I thought I had my bases covered with plans set for foreign invasion (Red Dawn), global pandemic (The Stand), vampire takeover (Salem's Lot), asteroid impact (Deep Impact) and alien invasion (Independence Day). Guess I'll start working on a plan for zombie invasion while on vacation. In fact, I now must have a plan B for each of the above scenarios should they occur while away from home on vacation!!!

(Tell me you don't have plans for the above. You know you do too!!!)

Ultimate Media Bias

Top: Photo as published in Spanish daily, AS
Bottom: Screen grab of the same moment from the actual broadcast

We here in America are pretty used to the fact that the news is basically propaganda. Depending on the source, you get selective, slanted facts to reinforce whatever opinion that particular outlet holds. We all know the usual suspects: conservative FoxNews, liberal MSNBC, etc.

I think we need to add AS to that list. AS is a daily sports publication in Madrid, Spain. Apparently, their bias is toward their beloved local team, Real Madrid. So last week, Real arch-rival Barcelona FC was playing Athletic Bilbao in a match in La Liga. Barcelona scored first, before Bilbao evened it up. Then Lionel Messi scored late to seal the match, much to the dismay of all Madrid as Real Madrid is now 5 points back in the standings.

So above is the picture that AS ran following the match. They claimed Barcelona's victory was a joke as the first goal was clearly scored by an offside attacker. Looks pretty obvious, right? Well, Barcelona fans didn't remember it that way. They pulled up their DVRs and did a screen grab of the play in question, pictured below the newspaper pic. Low and behold - the picture published in the paper had DIGITALLY REMOVED AN ENTIRE DEFENDER!!!

AS ran a half-hearted apology the next day:

"We apologise for the error in the computer graphics in the 1-0 incident."

Yeah, anyone could have made such a careless mistake! I am always digitally subtracting Ava or Molly out of our pics by accident!

Here's The Thing...

Apple is in the news again this week, this time for their new in-app subscription service. A lot of content providers, i.e. newspapers and magazines, and developers are complaining.

A lot of people like to complain about Apple's practices. Hell, I've bitched myself about them plenty of times on this very site! But over time, and after using multiple Apple products for years, I've come to realize something - everything Apple does is with the consumer or end-user in mind.

• You know who wins with Apple's new subscription service? People who own iOS devices who are now guaranteed the same or better price when subscribing through the app.
• You know who wins with Apple's closed* iOS ecosystem? People who own iOS devices and get regular updates and one-stop shopping for apps.
• You know who wins with Apple's design and interface guidelines? Device owners who get intuitive, easy to use and see (ed: High-five, Mom and Dad!) UIs.
• You know who wins with Apple's somewhat crazy AppStore approval system? Consumers who want solid apps that don't try to rip them off.

What I've come to realize is that if people are bitching about Apple it's for one of two reasons:

1. They are a content provider or developer and Apple has chosen to protect consumers over them.
2. They are Android or Windows Phone proponents and are directly competing with Apple.

You know who I don't ever hear complaining about Apple's products or decisions? People who actually own Apple products. Just sayin'...

* - "Closed" is an extremely ambiguous term almost exclusively used by Android developers in reference to iOS. Anything - anything - I've need to do on iOS I've been able to do through an app or the OS directly.

Roll Damn Tide

Oh my God. I just was listening to the radio at lunch time and heard the most amazing, pathetic story concerning college football in a very long time.

Suspect arrested in Auburn tree poisoning

So a sports talk radio show in Birmingham hosted by Paul Finebaum received a call on January 27th. An Alabama fan, obviously bitter that Auburn won the BCS Title, called in to relay the story that when legendary coach Bear Bryant died in 1983, Auburn students celebrated and rolled the trees in Toomer's Corner. As you have heard after this season, Toomer's Corner is the traditional celebration spot for Auburn for decades. He was disgusted with this display, and had saved articles to prove it, even thought the host didn't believe him.

So for revenge, after Auburn's amazing comeback victory against Alabama in their annual rivalry game, the Iron Bowl, he drove to Toomer's Corner and poisoned the 130 year-old oak trees in Toomer's Corner with Spike 80DF. This is a highly toxic herbicide. He hung up saying, "Roll Damn Tide."

Apparently, Auburn officials were not amused. They immediately heard this and tested the soil around the trees. Sure enough, there is greater than 60 times lethal dose, and the trees will inevitably die. They called the radio station immediately and with the help of the FBI, U.S. Marshals Service, State of Alabama Department of Agriculture and Industries, Tallapoosa County Sheriff's Office, Dadeville Police Department, and Auburn University, tracked down Al from Dadeville. He is currently in jail and will likely stay for awhile.

The SEC is just sick.

Beer Me!

After a long day of fighting the Imperial Empire with my good buddies R2, Han, and Leia nothing helps me relax like an ice cold Rebellion Light. It's smooth, with no bitter aftertaste - unlike that shit swill they sell in the cantina back home on Mos Eisley.

So the next time you're planning a raid on the Death Star, crack a Rebellion Light - the beer for X-Wing fighters!

$2trillion

That's how much of Obama's new $3.7trillion budget is devoted to Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.

Gimme back my money!

In case you're too lazy to click that link, that's almost $17k/household/year.

Stupid old people and poor people. You're ruining it for everyone!

Mom and Dad - you better stay healthy and die suddenly and tragically rescuing a family from the remains of a destroyed sinking battleship so I don't have mixed emotions about paying your healthcare in your twilight years.

Boys Are Not Girls

First came the girl. She was a pretty easy kid. Rarely cried for no reason. Slept well. Developed ahead of her friends, e.g. crawling, walking, talking, etc. All in all, she made me think I was a pretty awesome parent. This shit be easy!

So we decided to go for a second. We found out it was going to be a boy and we were super excited because now we had a matching set. The girl was pretty easy, how hard can this guy be, right?

Famous last words...

Let me tell you something - boys are not girls. Boys are fucking cavemen. And not like the sophisticated Geico cavemen - real cavemen. The kind that pull girls' hair and would shiv you with a sharpened bone if you took their food. Their idea of playing and investigating involves banging the shit out of things and then throwing them across the room. Here is a small sampling of things I did not experience the first time around.

• Vomit: The boy throws up. A lot. And not just, "Oh, he spit up a little!" I'm talking Exorcist-like, projectile vomiting green pea soup across the room. And half the time he does it by gagging himself with his own stupid hand! "Durrr... what's this hangy thing in the back of my throat? HURRRRR!!" Wait 2 hours. Repeat. At least with his weak gag reflex I know a career in adult film is out of the question. When he gets through this stage (please, God, let him get through this stage) I will be burning his glider and carpet in a bonfire because at this point they're more puke than anything else.
• Poop: Holy mother of God... the poop. Wet poops. Solid poops. Firm poops. Regardless, none can be contained by his diaper. Since Saturday he has pooped out at least a dozen outfits. And these are serious just-put-him-in-the-bathtub-clothes-and-all-so-we-can-think-about-how-to-handle-this blowouts. Yesterday at school they had to give him a bath because he had poop in his hair. Poop in his hair! Well, at least it proves he's my son.
• Snot: At this point, the boy's nose has been running since, oh... October. You know how you sometimes see kids blowing snot bubbles on America's Funniest Home Videos? My kid has snot bubbles so often I'm afraid he'll float away. He will wake up in the morning and it's like someone shoved green Play-Doh up his nose while he was sleeping. I've had to pull boogers out with tweezers!

The list goes on, but needless to say I have been humbled. I've gone from World's Greatest Dad to World's Least Patient Human in seven months. My only hope is it gets better at some point. Either that or the girl continues maturing and I can rely on her to do a majority of the tasks. We'll make it a game - "Ooops! Looks like someone needs a diaper change!"

Seriously, I don't know how mom did it. She had four of us retards within five years (I'm just assuming that Bridget was a saint). The only thing that I can surmise saved us was we were too poor to buy formula so mom couldn't drink because she had to breast feed.

Buying Indulgences? There's An App For That!

Am I actually playing Sudoku right now? CHECK!

In a move that's sure to have Martin Luther laughing in his grave, the Roman Catholic Church has approved an iOS app to augment traditional confession.

Confession: A Roman Catholic App is "Designed to be used in the confessional" and is "...the perfect aid for every penitent." By "perfect aid" they mean it's a brilliant excuse for Catholic school kids to play Worms 2: Armageddon in a confessional.

The app is not meant to take the place of face-to-face confession with an ordained priest because confessions by electronic media are invalid, as declared by the Congregation on Divine Worship and the Sacraments - DUH!

I can only assume the next app approved by the Church will document all Mass responses plus when to stand, sit, and kneel for all us Easter/Christmas Catholics. On second thought, excuse me while I go start making that right now. I'll use my millions to buy us spots in heaven...