So we decided to go for a second. We found out it was going to be a boy and we were super excited because now we had a matching set. The girl was pretty easy, how hard can this guy be, right?
Famous last words...
Let me tell you something - boys are not girls. Boys are fucking cavemen. And not like the sophisticated Geico cavemen - real cavemen. The kind that pull girls' hair and would shiv you with a sharpened bone if you took their food. Their idea of playing and investigating involves banging the shit out of things and then throwing them across the room. Here is a small sampling of things I did not experience the first time around.
- Vomit: The boy throws up. A lot. And not just, "Oh, he spit up a little!" I'm talking Exorcist-like, projectile vomiting green pea soup across the room. And half the time he does it by gagging himself with his own stupid hand! "Durrr... what's this hangy thing in the back of my throat? HURRRRR!!" Wait 2 hours. Repeat. At least with his weak gag reflex I know a career in adult film is out of the question. When he gets through this stage (please, God, let him get through this stage) I will be burning his glider and carpet in a bonfire because at this point they're more puke than anything else.
- Poop: Holy mother of God... the poop. Wet poops. Solid poops. Firm poops. Regardless, none can be contained by his diaper. Since Saturday he has pooped out at least a dozen outfits. And these are serious just-put-him-in-the-bathtub-clothes-and-all-so-we-can-think-about-how-to-handle-this blowouts. Yesterday at school they had to give him a bath because he had poop in his hair. Poop in his hair! Well, at least it proves he's my son.
- Snot: At this point, the boy's nose has been running since, oh... October. You know how you sometimes see kids blowing snot bubbles on America's Funniest Home Videos? My kid has snot bubbles so often I'm afraid he'll float away. He will wake up in the morning and it's like someone shoved green Play-Doh up his nose while he was sleeping. I've had to pull boogers out with tweezers!
The list goes on, but needless to say I have been humbled. I've gone from World's Greatest Dad to World's Least Patient Human in seven months. My only hope is it gets better at some point. Either that or the girl continues maturing and I can rely on her to do a majority of the tasks. We'll make it a game - "Ooops! Looks like someone needs a diaper change!"
Seriously, I don't know how mom did it. She had four of us retards within five years (I'm just assuming that Bridget was a saint). The only thing that I can surmise saved us was we were too poor to buy formula so mom couldn't drink because she had to breast feed.
4 comments:
OK, so I almost had to go into a conference room after reading this - I was laughing that hard! Why are poop stories always so funny?
If I don't laugh, I may just cry. Thank goodness for an awesome husband and paper towels.
Kevin is only laughing because he never had the job of cleaning Samantha's clothes every day after for school for several months. Yes, he dealt with the blow outs at home in the evening and weekends. I had the pleasure of the daily cleaning of 1 or 2 or 3 poop-covered outfits that would come home from school in a bag. I hope, for your sakes Ian and Steph, that this is merely a 2-3 month phase like it was for Sam. As for vomit and snot, thank goodness I don't know much about those!
I guess I'm fortunate that my first-born was a boy. If he had blow-outs, projectile vomiting and/or solid green snot, I don't even remember it! I do remember Owen's first year as being very difficult for various other reasons, but I figured it was just new parenthood. No one told me a girl would be easier!
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