The Royal Heffernans

Quite possibly the best family ever

Monday, June 17, 2013

Where the Hell Do I Aim???

Oh the horror!

I recently stumbled upon a horrifying truth, quite by accident... 

I rarely buy new clothes. In fact, were I not married, I would probably have the same exact clothes in my closet as I had 10 years ago. As it is, one item that I get a lot of wear out of is khaki shorts. I wear them constantly from April through October. Like most guys, I have several pairs in the rotation. After a year of wear, they are perfectly broken in. After 2 years, they start to show their age. After 3, discoloration starts and fraying is close behind. For whatever reason, all my shorts fell apart at the end of last summer. So I searched the stores for a new style of go to khaki shorts.

After much searching (these gotta last for a while) I found the Men's Ultimate ROC Short by Columbia. They are cotton, not the crazy nylon crap a lot of similar shorts are these days. They have a nicely-fitting 9" inseam, and don't extend below the knee. They have useful pockets, but are not cargo style meaning I can dress them up a bit too. They even offer UPF 50 protection from the sun, although most non-nudists don't have too much trouble with butt burns!

However, it's one feature of these shorts that led me to my inadvertent discovery:
  • Omni-Shield advanced repellency treatment wards off rain and stains
It's pretty self-explanatory. They are treated to be slightly water repellent. What actually happens is small amounts of water bead up on the fabric. Certainly not water proof. So imagine my surprise the first time I wore them and used a public urinal. I zipped up, walked over to the sink and noticed beads of water on the front of my shorts - urine! Thinking maybe it was an unusual occurrence (more water than usual in the urinal), I wiped them clean and moved on. However, I have come to realize this was not a one-time occurrence. Using a urinal splatters you with piss! 

So now questions are running through my head:
  • Is the shorty urinal better than the the taller adult one?
  • Is there a specific target I should be aiming for?
  • Should I shit-can the whole urinal and use the toilet?
  • What the hell happens if there aren't urinal dividers and someone is next to you?
  • Can I ever piss in a trough-style latrine at a stadium again?
38 years of life, and only now have I realized this! Damn you Columbia! (But the shorts still totally rock!)

1 comment:

infidel said...

Well Ted, you are an upper tier smart man, but I must say this is quite a significant gap in your knowledge. How have you never noticed/felt this before? Have you never looked down whilest peeing...or you must dutifully stare straight forward to the tile? Even TJ and Justin know, you pee on the side slope of the urinal! No splash and you get some cool whirlpool action going. Like I said, even TJ and Justin have perfected if I can just get Justin to quit pulling his pants all the way down below his knees at the urinal...