Heffernanisms

Growing up in a family of seven very willful and opinionated people meant that a lot of times we would butt heads with one another. We all had different remedies for getting our way: body-slamming (Ted), punching through glass windows (Colin), breaking down doors (mom), calling collect (Bridget), throwing shoes (Kevin), boyish charms (Ian), and cursing like a sailor (dad).

Once we all got old enough (read: big enough) to injure one another, physical violence diminished as a threat and other means of compelling others to do your bidding became necessary. In the end, a very simple yet effective vocabulary was established to maintain a minimal level of hostility in the Heffernan house. These "Heffernanisms" as I have dubbed them, were sayings, words, and gestures established by the Heffernan children, or at the very least promulgated into our vernacular, to promote civility, reduce tension, but mostly to continue getting your own way without have to throw someone into a wall.

1. "Shotgun" – Riding in the front seat was always the goal of any trip. Except, of course, if mom had just gotten her hair cut at Supercuts on Five Mile. Normally, however, you wanted to ride up front because you could control the radio and see what was going on. However, sometimes multiple persons would tie during the "shotgun" call. The secondary test would then be whoever said "shotgun" again the fastest. If you tied a second time, you could attempt a third "shotgun" call, or you could proceed directly to the "Eric Davis" call, which overruled any shotgun call prior or current. Ian liked to cheat and simply yell out "shotgunericdavis". In this way, he was assured of the front seat – jerk.
2. The Finger – Most people give each other the finger as a sign of malcontent at another person’s actions, words, or mere existence. In the Heffernan house, the "finger" was a sign of affection and was routinely given to one another (when mom wasn’t looking). While I still can’t convince my wife that it really is a sign of affection, back when I was in college, this was the only way to greet Colin.
3. Second, Third, etc. – We weren’t rich growing up, and while this list may seem to tell otherwise, we actually did share some things. Of particular sharing was a can of pop (soda for you jackass east-coast people). As soon as a can of pop was opened, the order of drinking for the can was claimed by whoever said "second", "third" and so on. This may seem un-hygienic, but I firmly believe that sharing our germs from pop made us Heffernans less likely to get mild cold and flu viruses. Bridget did not usually enjoy this Heffernanism, and so would try to get her own pop, which I would usually steal for the rest of us. Think of a hyena stealing a gazelle carcass from a lion. Yeah, that was me.
4. "Doornob" – Because we couldn’t just randomly go around hitting each other, we invented reasons to do so. "Doornob" was a term taken from Joey Wolfer whereby you could continue to punch the living crap out of someone you were certain had passed gas. Either the gas needed to be heard or smelled, but until such time as the offender touched a doorknob, you could continue to punch them. Unfortunately, the prime offender in the Heffernan house was immune to this Heffernanism, as no one had the guts to punch dad even though the entire room smelled like a dead raccoon – especially after dad ate an entire Pizza Hut cheese pizza – but I digress.
5. "Dibs" – Dibs was a key part of every Heffernan meal. Mom usually made enough dinner for 10 people. This meant that only three persons could get seconds without having to "share" (NOTE: sharing in the Heffernan house meant that two persons would be unhappy instead of just one). Dibs could be performed in one of two ways at meals: 1) During a Heffernan dinner at the nook, whoever finished their first helping first could immediately go onto seconds without asking others; 2) If eating with a person known for not finishing their meal, "dibs" would be called on that persons food. Grandma Trinkley’s waffle at Cira’s was always a hotly contested "dibs" call.
6. "4th of July" – As Apu once said, "Celebrate the anniversary of your country by blowing up a small portion of it." Most Americans celebrate July 4th by exploding pyrotechnics into the air thus honoring the fighting of the American Revolution and this great nation that arose thereafter. Heffernan’s, on the other hand, explode pyrotechnics at ground level in order to cause pain, humor, and humiliation to those in the immediate vicinity. July 4th was a Heffernanism for "mom-and-dad-approved-stupidity-and-breaking-of-things." These things broken included fruit, cans, Aunt Debbie’s water, bottles, fingers, dirt, Ian’s eyes, and lots of similarly inconsequential items. Standing in the yard with a tennis racket trying to swat away incoming bottle rockets and/or roman candle "flaming balls" (I always laughed when I saw "shoots flaming balls" on roman candle warnings) is something only Heffernans could have thought fun and volunteered to do. We usually realized the danger only after someone took a "flaming ball" to the face, or had a bottle rocket skip off your head. Our neighbor Iya (who the hell knows how her name was spelled), sucked the soul out of July 4th by calling the cops on us. The only face that was sadder than the police officer shutting us down was Iya’s when she woke up the next morning to discover tired treads in her yard and her "No Trespassing" sign broken in her driveway.
7. "Cool" – The word "cool" was a Heffernanism for "Interesting-but-stupid-and-possibly-deadly-idea". Cool was uttered in the Heffernan house to another idea rarely, and usually was a means of determining how bad an idea was. The "cool" Heffernanism is directly proportional to the danger involved; thus, whenever I hear a Heffernan say "cool", I immediately say, "Let’s do it!" The following scale is an example of the Heffernanism "cool":
   · "Gay" – Roller-blade hockey in the driveway with Joey
   · "Stupid" – cardboard-box armor vs. sling-shot propelled cranberries
   · "OK" – Raccoon hunts at 2AM with BB gun, slingshot, and sharp sticks
   · "Cool" – Sledding down the side hill of Copperglow, through the trees, and ramping at the bottom into a chain-link fence
   · "Awesome!" – Jumping off the balcony into the pool after Ted’s wedding