YouTube Awards

I don't know if anyone likes YouTube, but if you've never had the chance to check it out, now the time to do it. Follow this link to get to the YouTube award winning video posts. You don't need to sign up or anything, just view the videos.

I was a big fan of "Kiwi!" and of the Music Video by "OK Go".

Heffernanisms

Growing up in a family of seven very willful and opinionated people meant that a lot of times we would butt heads with one another. We all had different remedies for getting our way: body-slamming (Ted), punching through glass windows (Colin), breaking down doors (mom), calling collect (Bridget), throwing shoes (Kevin), boyish charms (Ian), and cursing like a sailor (dad).

Once we all got old enough (read: big enough) to injure one another, physical violence diminished as a threat and other means of compelling others to do your bidding became necessary. In the end, a very simple yet effective vocabulary was established to maintain a minimal level of hostility in the Heffernan house. These "Heffernanisms" as I have dubbed them, were sayings, words, and gestures established by the Heffernan children, or at the very least promulgated into our vernacular, to promote civility, reduce tension, but mostly to continue getting your own way without have to throw someone into a wall.

1. "Shotgun" – Riding in the front seat was always the goal of any trip. Except, of course, if mom had just gotten her hair cut at Supercuts on Five Mile. Normally, however, you wanted to ride up front because you could control the radio and see what was going on. However, sometimes multiple persons would tie during the "shotgun" call. The secondary test would then be whoever said "shotgun" again the fastest. If you tied a second time, you could attempt a third "shotgun" call, or you could proceed directly to the "Eric Davis" call, which overruled any shotgun call prior or current. Ian liked to cheat and simply yell out "shotgunericdavis". In this way, he was assured of the front seat – jerk.
2. The Finger – Most people give each other the finger as a sign of malcontent at another person’s actions, words, or mere existence. In the Heffernan house, the "finger" was a sign of affection and was routinely given to one another (when mom wasn’t looking). While I still can’t convince my wife that it really is a sign of affection, back when I was in college, this was the only way to greet Colin.
3. Second, Third, etc. – We weren’t rich growing up, and while this list may seem to tell otherwise, we actually did share some things. Of particular sharing was a can of pop (soda for you jackass east-coast people). As soon as a can of pop was opened, the order of drinking for the can was claimed by whoever said "second", "third" and so on. This may seem un-hygienic, but I firmly believe that sharing our germs from pop made us Heffernans less likely to get mild cold and flu viruses. Bridget did not usually enjoy this Heffernanism, and so would try to get her own pop, which I would usually steal for the rest of us. Think of a hyena stealing a gazelle carcass from a lion. Yeah, that was me.
4. "Doornob" – Because we couldn’t just randomly go around hitting each other, we invented reasons to do so. "Doornob" was a term taken from Joey Wolfer whereby you could continue to punch the living crap out of someone you were certain had passed gas. Either the gas needed to be heard or smelled, but until such time as the offender touched a doorknob, you could continue to punch them. Unfortunately, the prime offender in the Heffernan house was immune to this Heffernanism, as no one had the guts to punch dad even though the entire room smelled like a dead raccoon – especially after dad ate an entire Pizza Hut cheese pizza – but I digress.
5. "Dibs" – Dibs was a key part of every Heffernan meal. Mom usually made enough dinner for 10 people. This meant that only three persons could get seconds without having to "share" (NOTE: sharing in the Heffernan house meant that two persons would be unhappy instead of just one). Dibs could be performed in one of two ways at meals: 1) During a Heffernan dinner at the nook, whoever finished their first helping first could immediately go onto seconds without asking others; 2) If eating with a person known for not finishing their meal, "dibs" would be called on that persons food. Grandma Trinkley’s waffle at Cira’s was always a hotly contested "dibs" call.
6. "4th of July" – As Apu once said, "Celebrate the anniversary of your country by blowing up a small portion of it." Most Americans celebrate July 4th by exploding pyrotechnics into the air thus honoring the fighting of the American Revolution and this great nation that arose thereafter. Heffernan’s, on the other hand, explode pyrotechnics at ground level in order to cause pain, humor, and humiliation to those in the immediate vicinity. July 4th was a Heffernanism for "mom-and-dad-approved-stupidity-and-breaking-of-things." These things broken included fruit, cans, Aunt Debbie’s water, bottles, fingers, dirt, Ian’s eyes, and lots of similarly inconsequential items. Standing in the yard with a tennis racket trying to swat away incoming bottle rockets and/or roman candle "flaming balls" (I always laughed when I saw "shoots flaming balls" on roman candle warnings) is something only Heffernans could have thought fun and volunteered to do. We usually realized the danger only after someone took a "flaming ball" to the face, or had a bottle rocket skip off your head. Our neighbor Iya (who the hell knows how her name was spelled), sucked the soul out of July 4th by calling the cops on us. The only face that was sadder than the police officer shutting us down was Iya’s when she woke up the next morning to discover tired treads in her yard and her "No Trespassing" sign broken in her driveway.
7. "Cool" – The word "cool" was a Heffernanism for "Interesting-but-stupid-and-possibly-deadly-idea". Cool was uttered in the Heffernan house to another idea rarely, and usually was a means of determining how bad an idea was. The "cool" Heffernanism is directly proportional to the danger involved; thus, whenever I hear a Heffernan say "cool", I immediately say, "Let’s do it!" The following scale is an example of the Heffernanism "cool":
   · "Gay" – Roller-blade hockey in the driveway with Joey
   · "Stupid" – cardboard-box armor vs. sling-shot propelled cranberries
   · "OK" – Raccoon hunts at 2AM with BB gun, slingshot, and sharp sticks
   · "Cool" – Sledding down the side hill of Copperglow, through the trees, and ramping at the bottom into a chain-link fence
   · "Awesome!" – Jumping off the balcony into the pool after Ted’s wedding

March Madness on Demand

In case you're bored at work and want to watch the tourney games, NCAAsports.com is showing all the games live, for free. All you need to do is sign up with a valid email address, and your ready to go. Follow this link and it should get you there.

The quality of the video is spectacular for live streaming video on-line, and since this afternoon I haven't seen any buffering since I logged on. For you non-techies, that means that the video does crap out, get delayed, or kick you (except for inactivity). You can choose which games you watch, and only the games that are being televised in your region are unavailable. I suggest you try it for yourself!

High Definition DVD Is Really Here

We've had posts debating HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray before. I stand by my statement that Blu-Ray will win this one, and Sony will finally own a form of entertainment media! Blu-Ray is overwhelmingly outselling HD-DVD, and industry insiders say the only thing holding HD-DVD upright is Microsoft support. HD-DVD will probably hang on for awhile, but it will slowly fade away before the last holdout studios cave and release in Blu-Ray. I guess Sony was due after Beta lost to VHS, MD lost to CD, and the Whopper beat the Big Mac - but I digress.

The reason I know that standard DVD is over? I just bought a new DVD player for $120. Yes, you say, I could have gotten one for $30 at Wal-Mart. However, this bad boy is a 5-Disc progressive-scan monster WITH HD upconversion. Seriously, this is an awesome player for a dirt cheap price. When that's all they can charge for standard DVD, it's on the way out. Of course it's a Sony.

I finally had to put my original 1998 DVD player into retirement after numerous quirks arose with newer DVD formats. In retirement, it will play Disney, Sesame Street and Baby Einstein movies for Ava in her playroom. Mom and Dad could only be so lucky in retirement!

I Know It's Only Spring Training....

but I don't think the Reds are going to lose a game all year. Even when they start to count.

The Joys of Parenthood

I like to consider myself the picture of health. I have never missed a day of work for illness; never have had to go to the doctor for anything major; never had stitches; never had to get a cast for broken bones, never had to fill a prescription. I have awesome blood pressure, cholesterol levels and not a hint of elevated blood sugar. My BMI is even 27. My medical history can be summed up pretty quickly:

• I was born in West Virginia and chaos ensued (inguinal hernia repair and multiple ear infections).
• I got chicken pox in 3rd grade.
• I got a concussion and strained my MCL in 11th grade.
• I got the flu once in college.
  
• I got food poisoning once in medical school.
• I broke a metatarsal 2 years ago playing soccer.

So imagine my surprise Thursday when my slight cough of the past week started feeling better and suddenly... I couldn't hear out of my right ear!!! Since Ava is on ear infections #2 this year, Ali looked in my ear and found my very own ear infection! Awesome - just what I wanted! So being a good Heffernan, I fought it for a day before it got worse and started to hurt. Then, I promptly prescribed myself the first antibiotic I have taken since infancy - a Z-Pak. This is what my ear probably looked like.

I feel kind of like Seinfeld when he broke his vomit streak. It was a badge of honor that I could always fight through the cold and flu season with a little DayQuil at worst. Unfortunately, having kids (who inevitably tend to get sick a lot) changes things. Let this be a warning to future Heffernan parents. I caved in, and I am a much weaker man than I was last week. At least my ear feels better!