Ishtar on Mars

"Imagine you're at a picnic, and you have a paper plate. Not the rigid kind, but the flimsy kind where you have to double up, or it won't be strong enough, only you didn't double up, so you just have one. When you get to the head of the line, you're served a large dollop of oatmealy, sick person's poop, and then another dollop. Right onto the paper plate. Two servings is too much for the plate. Being paper, it buckles under the pressure and the moisture. Still, the soup spoon keeps serving—three, four, five, six—and the slop piles high. The soup spoon starts to bend and your paper plate begins to disintegrate. Eventually you back away and, in this bad dream, you have to somehow maneuver the paper plate, without spilling it, through a cramped room packed with psychotic monkeys. But, of course, you spill it. Right down your front. Now you're covered in shit.

That's Disney's John Carter in a nutshell."


Wow! That's the opening paragraph from Slant Magazine's review of John Carter. It has been a LONG time since I recall an epic failure of such proportions for a blockbuster of this size. The movie reportedly cost $250 million to make, and had HEAVY marketing estimated to bring the total tab up to $300 mill. It is now projected to LOSE $200 million!!! I haven't seen it, and have never had any desire to do so. The point of this post is not to pile on John Carter, but to ask a simple question:

Can a web site jump the shark?

I have been a huge fan of Harry Knowles web site, Ain't It Cool News, for years. I have always admired Harry and his crew for their unabashed enthusiasm for action, adventure, sci-fi and horror films. If there is a big movie you want to see, Ain't It Cool has got you covered. Sometimes, Harry goes against the grain and lets his emotions get the best of him in reviewing a film. That has always been a draw for me, as it seems he is just a big fan of movies - just like you or me.

In recent years, it seems Harry's reviews and opinions have been off-base quite a bit. Some in the media have questioned his credibility. His web site has millions of readers, and good publicity on it can lead to a big box office for a new movie. Harry and his staff attend events paid for by the movie studios, including visits to movie sets and premieres. One wonders if these events would be offered should a scathing review follow.

So it was very interesting when Harry posted his recent review of John Carter:

Harry's 145,002 word review of JOHN CARTER!!!

Don't worry, it isn't actually that long! Needless to say, he loved it. Not only that, but EVERYONE he has spoken to who has seen the movie loved it. That includes fans of the book, newcomers, other websites, AICN staffers, and AICN readers. Huh? Is he serious?

Fast forward to opening weekend. The movie is a critical and commercial disaster from the outset. Does Harry or AICN rethink their opinions? No way!

Mr. Beaks Takes Issue With The Coverage Of JOHN CARTER!

They go fullspeed ahead defending the movie taking the stance that the media has an axe to grind and is being unfair - WAH!

Think they would let it go after that, and with continued savaging of the film everywhere? Nope!

If you haven't seen JOHN CARTER, this fan trailer nails it! This is how the film could have been sold...

Seriously!?? Are they still trying to explain why they are right and THE ENTIRE WORLD IS WRONG? Now Harry blames Disney for bad marketing. Marketing which he has PRAISED effusively on his own web site for months!!!

I think I may have to drop Ain't It Cool News from the old web reading list. These guys have gone off the deep end. Anybody got any good upcoming movie sites they like to read?

This Could Be Really Interesting

Yesterday news broke that basically the entire Saints coaching staff, plus their general manager, would be suspended for the upcoming NFL season as a result of their bounty scandal. Today, people are already starting to write-off the Saints season, but for the wrong reasons entirely. It's true that if the actual players involved in the bounty program face similar punishment, the season would be in jeopardy. A good portion of the Saints defense, including star linebacker Jonathan Vilma, were involved and their losses would be devastating to the team's hopes. But the Saints have always been about offense. And they'll still have Drew Brees, one of the best quarterbacks in the league running the show.

What I would find very intriguing is if the Saints said, "F**k it. We're letting the players coach."

For the past several decades coaches in the NFL have taken on demigod status. They're constantly referred to as "gurus" or "geniuses". They're glorified for consistently putting in 16+ hour workdays the entire year round, sleeping at team facilities, and destroying their families in the pursuit of winning. What has been implied is that coaches drive the NFL, not the players, but there has always been the alternate theory that players make the coach. The list of NFL coaches that have excelled with future Hall of Famers leading their teams only to fall flat on their faces with another team with averages Joes is extensive - Shanahan, Parcells, and Jimmy Johnson, to name just a few. Coaches are saviors. "If we could just get a good coach he could coach up these guys and turn things around!"

So what if a team won without an established coaching staff? Brees already was a ringleader in pulling his team together and organizing workouts during last year's lockout. He's the undisputed team leader. Everyone on that team respects him and would follow his lead. I'd love it if Tom Benson just threw him the keys and said, "It's your team this year." If there's any team in the NFL that could pull this off, it'd be the Saints. Again, Brees is established and knows the organization, and they're going to have a huge us-against-them mentality to rally around. Besides, it's super late in the off-season already and you know Payton is coming back. What coach in his right mind would even want the gig?

Every pundit, announcer, and former player now on TV would shout that the Saints were throwing away the season by not hiring an experienced coach. And if the Saints defied expectations and actually won it would throw everything we've been told about the importance of a good coach right out the window. In short, it would be awesome.

Death of a Legend

I guess I can't say I'm surprised. The latest casualty of the digital age is the Encyclopedia Britannica. Following in the path of newspapers, DVDs, CDs and even books, Encyclopedia Britannica today announced they will no longer offer a printed edition of their vaunted set. First published in 1768, the latest edition, published in 2010, will be it's last.

I could go on and on about Encyclopedia Britannica and what the loss means as far as progress, but I think that is really just sentiment. In reality, no encyclopedia can keep up with the rapid pace of knowledge now available online - for free. However, I wanted to focus in a bit more on my own personal experiences with it. I remember when Mom and Dad bought our family set. I don't know how much it cost, but I'm sure it wasn't cheap! At first, I was just astounded by the details and knowledge that it offered. Prior to the internet, their were 3 ways to learn things: in school, from your parents, or at the library using card catalogs. Britannica offered me a better way.

This set sitting on the shelf in our living room had the answers to almost every question I had. I didn't have to ask someone, or get to the library, or wait until it came up in school. I could look myself. That was a great thing. I can't even begin to count the number of reports that I wrote based upon those books. I know I spent countless hours reading them just for fun as well. I will say without a doubt, that my education was vastly enhanced by this set. Who knows where I might be today without having Encyclopedia Britannica in our house when I was younger.

That same set stills sits on the shelf on Copperglow. Gathering dust, it is now officially a relic. It really only has worth for sentimental value now, but I say it was one of the best investments our parents ever made.

DIBBS!!!

The Onion

I mentioned to Steph last week that either Rick Santorum is the biggest phony in the Republican party - pandering to the far-right voters with his recents comments - or he is batshit crazy. Seems The Onion decided to run with the latter. I try not to get too political around these parts, but, geebus, this guy is f***ing nuts.

UPDATED: You'd think this was also an Onion satire piece, but sadly it's an actual bunch of scientists demonstrating that people are inherently too stupid for democracy to flourish.

/sigh

Things Could Always Be Worse!

This ones for you Bryan!

Can you tell I'm getting a little fired up for the Reds in 2012? Two consecutive béisbol posts!!! This one was just too good to pass up.

I was a little miffed when the Bengals were recently ranked as the worst sports franchise in America. They have been to 2 Super Bowls since 1980, won their division multiple times and have been in the playoffs 3 times in the past 6 years. How does that compare to the poor Pittsburgh Pirates?

The poor Pirates have had 19 consecutive losing seasons!!! That is a record for all 4 major sports leagues in America. Normally, I wouldn't pile it on. I don't hate the Pirates. They even tend to have the Reds number from time to time. However, this is just too damn unlucky not to post. The video is awesomely gruesome too!

The Pirates started off hot last year. They were the darlings of MLB for a couple months before fading away. This year, they pulled a pretty big trade getting AJ Burnett from the Yankees. Granted, he has severely dropped off in recent seasons, but he is a pretty big star and a surefire innings eater, right?

WRONG! Burnett will be out 2 to 3 months after his batting practice mishap. Damn designated hitter rule! I really do feel your pain Bryan.

FACT: Ryan Braun Used Steroids

I am totally fired up! Next week, I am attending a radiology conference in Arizona. I plan on learning some new things, getting my mandatory CME, and playing a little golf. One big thing I get to do is pretty exciting: I'm going to my first Spring Training game! The Reds moved into their Goodyear facility last year after decades in Sarasota. I hear it is an awesome place, and I can't wait to see the 2012 Reds in action. I'll see the March 7 game against the Padres.

That leads me into the topic of my post. The Reds are going for it this year. The Brewers and Cardinals stand in our way. Ryan Braun tested positive for a banned substance last year and received a 50 game ban for this season. The details slowly have emerged, and now it is clear that he was doping. These are all facts, although MLB or Braun will not verify them.

• Sometime late last season, Braun received a random urine test for drug screening.
• The test was collected late, and could not be immediately shipped by FedEx as per MLB protocol.
  
• The collection specialist, whose entire job is to maintain chain-of-custody of the sample, stored it overnight in a refrigerator. It was sealed and in his possession the entire time.
• The next morning, the sample was shipped.
• The sample was later tested and found to contain a 20:1 ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone (normal is 1:1).
  
• It was further tested and positive for synthetic testosterone.
• Braun received a 50 game ban.
• This ban should have been confidential, pending appeal, but it was leaked by an unknown source.
• Braun appealed.
• He was reinstated on a technicality that the sample was improperly stored.

My first impression was, "Crap, the Brewers are a joke without Braun and Fielder. Bad break for the Reds." Immediately thereafter, I thought, "Man, MLB screwed up the sample. Braun got lucky." Then, I read Braun's statement and I wanted to PUNCH HIM IN THE MOUTH!!!

"I am the victim of a process that completely broke down."

Is he actually playing the victim here? Sure, I have no problem with his suspension being repealed. MLB has a policy, and they broke it. Did the process completely break down? No. Is he a victim? HELL NO!

A little medical knowledge from the Big MD here: Testosterone is an androgen steroid produced naturally in the body. Other steroids are also produced, including epitestosterone. Epitestosterone is produced by the same pathway, but is an inactive form of testosterone. As a result, they exist in nearly identical ratios in the body. However, if exogenous testosterone (injected, not produced by the body) is injected, while testosterone levels increase the level of epitestosterone stays the same. This is the major way to determine if someone is injecting steroids.

For Braun to have a 20 to 1 ratio, there is only one possibility - he doped!!! Overnight storage (as alleged in the appeal) would not cause the ratio to magically increase. Furthermore, synthetic testosterone could not have magically appeared in the sample overnight. Could the sample have been tampered with? In theory, but it was in the custody of the collector. The chain-of-custody wasn't even argued. This was simply a technicality.

This is a joke. Ryan Braun is a joke. MLB and steroids is a joke. Guys are still doping, but they are just smarter about it, and using fancier stuff. Until they turn over their program to USADA or WADA, the steroid issue will NEVER go away.

The Claw!!!

Horror of horrors. Parents of 2 or more should avoid this at all costs!

One of my fondest memories of childhood was a trip to the mall with Mom or Dad. Not because I loved shopping at the mall, but because it afforded us the chance to go hang out in Aladdin's Castle! Yes, the good old-fashioned arcade was one of my favorite ways to spend an hour or two while Mom shopped from store to store. Punch-Out, Gauntlet, Pole Position, Afterburner, Spy Hunter, Galaga, Miss Pac-Man, I could go on and on! Those days are long gone, as computers, X-Box and Playstations have far surpassed anything that a stand-up arcade machine could accomplish. These days, you might see Golden Tee sitting in a bar, but that's about it. With one big exception...

THE CLAW! I hate this thing with all my heart. When I was younger, it had the coolest toys in it: switchblades, watches, cameras. I wasted many a last token trying to get a souvenir for the road. Today, it has become an even bigger nemesis. Filled with cuddly, plush dolls, The Claw is IRRESISTIBLE to little kids - especially girls. Pretty much every restaurant we walk into has one prominently displayed in the front lobby. Every time, Ava and Molly beg me to try, and I resist. It's a waste of money. Nobody wins that thing.

Well, today I cracked. We went to Red Robin for lunch and tired of their asking, I decided to teach them a lesson. I promised them each a turn at The Claw, but prepared them for the disappointment. My plan was to teach them a lesson and stop future begging. Let me just say - BAD BAD BAD IDEA!!!

Of course, they didn't really know how to work the controls, so I steered toward their chosen target while they pushed the red button to drop The Claw.

Molly went first. She singled out a cuddly, pink monkey. We popped in our 50 cents and The Claw was off. 20 seconds to position The Claw before it dropped regardless. I worked the controls like a crafty veteran. Molly cheered as I got The Claw directly over the monkey, which was laying flat on the top layer of toys. I told Molly to push the button. Down went The Claw toward it's target, and it clamped shut. To my shock and amazement, it grabbed the monkey! As it retracted, the monkey rose with it!! It returned to the shoot, and MADE IT!!! It released the monkey and there it was in the bin, waiting for Molly!!!!

I couldn't believe it. Molly was ecstatic. Ava was ecstatic. I was utterly terrified. Ava now basically expects a doll! Having never won The Claw before, I am literally sweating thinking of what will happen if I fail Ava.

So Ava puts in her 2 quarters. She had selected a cuddly pink dolphin. Again, I took the controls and maneuvered The Claw into position. I took an extra few seconds this time to position that bastard PERFECTLY over the dolphin. With my heart pounding, I told Ava to hit the button. Down went The Claw toward it's target, and it clamped shut. To my shock and amazement, it grabbed the dolphin! As it retracted, the dolphin rose - for a moment. Then to my horror, it fell. Ava cried. Molly smiled. I punched my fist through the glass wall and grabbed that damn dolphin - in my head!

We went back to the table for lunch as Ava continued to cry. I was somewhere between heartbroken and pissed off. I asked Ali for a dollar, and promised Ava I would get her the dolphin. Not wanting to get her upset, I told her to wait while I tried again. With my next attempt, I got the dolphin partially up. It fell again, but was now nicely positioned on the top layer of toys. With my last 2 quarters, I made one final effort - already planning on a stop at Toys R Us to get Ava something to balance this ridiculous situation out. I watched in amazement as that cute, cuddly piece of crap dolphin rose up and made it to the bin. I walked back to the table with it behind my back. I could already see the tears forming in Ava - and then I gave it to her!!!

She was ecstatic. Then Molly started to cry uncontrollably!!! She wanted the dolphin instead of the monkey!!!!!!! Moral of the story: NEVER CAVE IN TO THE CLAW IF YOU HAVE 2 OR MORE KIDS.

Holy Toledo!

I was actually planning a technology related post for tomorrow (can you say more android fragmentation) because I didn't want to bump Ian's nd post so soon (can you say low hopes for nd football), but if you haven't seen this already you must:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34x6m-ahGIo&feature=youtube_gdata_player



I hope this link works, but if it doesn't google the trailer for Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter. It is on YouTube and it is amazing. I suggest reading the book first, it obviously is a corny premise, but the book is done quite well. It weaves in actual historical fact with obvious vampire fiction, or is it?

The movie looks like it is going to be over the top, but come on, Abe Lincoln vampire hunter? It had to be over the top. I am hoping for the next army of darkness.

We're Due

It's mid-February, so just about the right time for our first Notre Dame football post of the year. Here are the big items that have happened since the Irish gave one away to Florida State.

1. Manti Te'o decided to return for his senior year, meaning Notre Dame will have it's most formidable front seven in decades.
2. An already solid recruiting class was lifted by a last minute gift enrollment of top QB recruit Gunnar Kiel, who only weeks before had committed to Louisiana State after previously decommitting from Indiana.
3. Tons of shake-up in the coaching staff, most notably on the offensive side of the ball where no coaches will be returning to the roles they had last season.

Item 1 is as much a blessing as Michael Floyd's decision to return last year. Te'o's return is vital to a defense that will be completely overhauling the secondary. The potential in that front seven with Lynch, Tuitt, and Nix compounded with Te'o's return will make things much easier on the young secondary.

Item 2 should provide 99% of the ND fodder through spring practice and into the summer. Do the Irish go with the 2-year starter with a 12-4 record as starter, but who has been wildly inconsistent and hasn't shown much growth (Rees)? Do they go with the guy who showed flashes at the end of the year, is mobile, and has the cannon arm (Hendrix)? Do they go with the red-shirt that Kelly intimates is the best fit for his offense and looked most polished of all QBs in last year's Blue-Gold game (Golson)? Or do they go with the hotshot recruit that has a family legacy at ND QB (Kiel)? The coaches seem to indicate this battle will be wide open, and it will be interesting as spring practice starts how they divvy up snaps to give each a fair chance. Less interesting? The repetitive storylines for the next 8 months if no one locks down the position.

Finally, the coaching shake-ups ensure that there will be competition at every spot, particularly on the offense. The biggest mover is unquestionably Chuck Martin, who goes from safeties coach to QB coach and offensive coordinator. It's not a new role for Martin, who filled the same for 5 years as head coach at Grand Valley State. He seems to be on the same page philosophically with what Kelly wants to do, so I'm optimistic. I also just really like the guy, so I hope he succeeds. He seems genuine and funny in the pressers he's done so far this spring, and I really love this quote:

Everybody knows how I feel about Notre Dame. Everybody knows how I feel about Brian Kelly. So he could tell me to coach any position on the team and I'd go to work the same way.

That guy's the tits. Go Irish!

Shameless Self-Promotion

I've created a new blog - Ian's Tech Blog. The purpose is to simply document any tech-related challenges I've encountered to which I was unable to find satisfactory solutions using internet searching.

I've posted the first few entries for reading MOBI books on mobile devices and working with digital media in your home network. Moving forward, volume and quality of entries will be directly proportional to my frustrations with Google. Enjoy.