Opening Day

April 6. Big Day. Opening Day. Well, at least for most baseball teams, it is. We'll just ignore the Phillies game from yesterday. Yes, today marks the start of the long baseball season. It also makes me think of summer, which is nice. Unfortunately, it also means I all my false-hope from the offseason, all my thinking of "This is The Year!", will soon come crashing down on me. Because the Cincinnati Reds are going to stink again this year, just like they have the past 8 years.

None of these guys play for the Reds.

I like to think the Reds can be good again, but my hope has been proven wrong again and again, so I've decided not to try anymore. Sure, I'll still watch the Reds and root them on, but is it too much to ask that they go .500? Probably.

I've still got that inkling of hope, though, so the Reds haven't totally deserted my heart. I see potential in guys like Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, and picking up Wily Taveras was a good sign as well. Even Francisco Cordero is a good closer. Harang and Arroyo need to have good years, and maybe, just maybe, Homer Bailey will finally be good enough to play pro ball. Unfortunately, there are a lot of if's, maybe's, and hope's in this statement. Which I why I'll be hoping for a W-L of 82 and 80 this year. I don't need miracles, I just need production!

I'll probably be proven wrong again this year, we'll likely end up somewhere shy of 80 wins. But maybe, just maybe, we can sneak into the playoffs? Yeah, and I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

Opening Day in Cincinnati: Red vs. Mets
First Pitch: 1:10PM

More Royalty

Owen Thomas Labutta - 4/1/2009

Since Bridget and Bryan started a competitive blog, I figured I'd at least make a post on our site welcoming Owen Thomas Labutta to the family. And weighing in at 8lbs 14 oz, he's definitely a big part of the Royal family!

Does anyone want to take a bet on who Owen pees on first? Ted, make that a new blog poll!

Ian's Book Review - The Eight

In a word... trainwreck.

This was a pseudo-recommendation by Mom, who's usually spot-on. However, I can't say it was a full-on recommendation as she kind of hemmed-and-hawed when I pressed for details. It's a fairly intriguing concept, but the writing is simply horrible. Some of my issues with the book...

• I have no idea what 'The Eight' refers to. There were hints about this to start the book and references to figure eights throughout, but no fulfillment - and not in a cliff-hanger, come back for more type of way. It's like she just decided to ignore it or forgot what she had titled it.
• Over half the book is written from the first-person perspective of one of the main characters. As my sophomore year history teacher constantly reminded us on term papers, writing in first-person is an automatic 'F'.
• Freemasons! The f$%king nuevo-cliche of suspense novels. However, in The Eight, they are introduced ominously and with grandiose and then simply never mentioned again... which seems to be a recurring theme throughout.
• She ends over a dozen chapters with hack phrases like, "Little did I know things were about to get much worse" or "But I was about to find out just how dangerous this game really was" or "However, things were about to get much clearer". Worse still, she then fails to follow through on these teasers. I must've reread three chapters trying to figure out what the hell she was referring to.
• Constantly referring to 'The Game' - and actually capitalizing 'The Game' as if it's a proper noun. I blame Survivor and other lame-ass "reality" shows for this trend. "It's all part of The Game." "I'm just playing The Game." Shut the f$%k up already...
  
• The ending. Oh, god. The ending of this book makes a Michael Crichton ending look brilliant in comparison. It's lame, it doesn't makes sense given the context of the rest of the book, it's stupid, and worst of all, it's lazy. Imagine watching the movie 'Hoosiers', and rather than showing the final game against South Bend Central they just jump from the state semi-finals to the scene where they show the state champs picture back in Hickory's gymnasium - except in the picture Jimmy Chitwood is mooning the camera. That's the ending for The Eight...
  

I felt like Dad reading this book - I was continually annoyed and frustrated with Neville's inability to develop the story and characters and her horrible writing, but I still read the whole damn thing anyway. Damn you, Katherine Neville...

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

My good old Gillette Mach3 was on it's last legs. One too many drops, and the blades just don't stay secure anymore. I find that I need to get a new razor about every year or so. So imagine my surprise when I went to the grocery today and saw the new Gillette Fusion Phenom. I didn't even know they had 5 blades in a razor. Immediately, I recalled one of my all-time favorite Onion articles. I have reproduced the article below, as The Onion has 10 different article tools, but none for Blogger. I defy you not to CRY LAUGHING OUT LOUD as you read this! Notice the date of the article. One word comes to mind: PROPHETIC!

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

Frakking awesome!

The last ship in the fleet is no more.

In its spectacular 2-hour finale, BSG (as it's known to us die-hard fans/nerds) delivered. Not only did it answer the above questions, but it had arguably the best battle sequence since the original mini-series that started it all back in 2003. The series finale answered all the questions that I had about the show - a solution to the Cylon question, an answer for where the colonies originated, is Baltar crazy for seeing Caprica Six, is Starbuck alive or dead, and the greated question of all: where are the human survivors going to settle?

Too many shows fall victim to having a great premise with excellent pilot episodes, only to fail miserably once they try to extend things. Look at the Fox show Prison Break for an example of this. BSG had a great premise and the original mini-series was simply fantastic. But it followed up the original premise with 4 seasons running over a period of 6 years. It managed this great run because the writing of the show was extremely good, the acting was as good as the best dramas on TV (much better than David Caruso!), and the storyline kept me engrossed long after the original premise had been dulled by several seasons. But the producers were true to their word and said that the show would last only 4 season.

There have been many shows that simply don't know how to conclude. The X-files jumps out at me, as does The Sopranos. But Battlestar Galactica completed its run, and in such a way that I don't even have to think about sequels or spin-offs. I'm fully satisfied in the conclusion of this great show, and I love that I can say that. For those of you who are interested in renting or buying the past episodes, I suggest doing so. You won't regret it.

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!

Just keep watching and you'll keep laughing harder and harder at the ridiculousness that is David Caruso acting...

No Wonder We Lost

In case you were unaware (like most of the civilized world) the World Baseball Classic* is currently underway. Baseball proponents like to fancy this the World Cup of baseball - minus the excitement and attention. Anyway, it hasn't really caught on and people can't really seem to figure out why. My guess is it's a combination of trying to compete with the NCAA basketball tournament and the fact that the managers and players are more concerned about using this as a tune-up for the season than actually winning. Considering the latter, it should come as no surprise that the USA - the country that invented baseball - once again bombed out of the tournament. But I think the real travesty here are the USA uniforms. Just look at these monstrosities!

I think you may have spilled some of your spaghetti

Seriously, the country that leads the world in contrived sports merchandise can't come up with a jersey that doesn't look like the players have pitted them out and spilled food down the front? This is an affront to the United States of America. It's like they took the awful jerseys the Men's National Soccer Team wore during the 1994 World Cup (those terrible denim-esque nightmares) and repurposed them 15 years later for a baseball uniform. Really, get a uniform that people are proud to wear and we turn this thing around. What a disgrace...


* - Apparently something needs to exist for 4 years, or two iterations, in order to earn the moniker of "classic"...

Well, When You Put It That Way...

...it almost doesn't seem so bad - except for the fact that million dollar bonuses were awarded to the same people that helped drive their company and the global economy to collapse. Aside from that though...

p.s. Just another reason to hate mainstream media.

Good Bye, Productivity

Ahhh... Can you smell it? NCAA tournament is in the air! What I say now, I say in all seriousness - the first two days of the NCAA tournament may be my favorite two days of the entire year, rivaling even Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's (for the football), and my birthday.

Three things have me even more excited about this year's version than those in the past...

1. No Notre Dame. I love it when they make it, but they always end up breaking my heart, skewing my picks, and ruining my bracket. Which brings us to...
2. No money involved. I've stayed away from any brackets involving money this year. I did one with work and one with the family, and I couldn't tell you my final four in either. Which is just the way I like it because I just want to savor the tournament without having a loss of money hanging over my head with every game. You know how it is - you love to see the upsets, but you also don't want to see your bracket get busted. This year, I don't care.
   
3. As you can see from the image above, CBSSports.com will be streaming every single game live over the internet! It only took 20 years, but the internet is finally starting to make some small contributions to society.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll read the articles about how $4b is lost over the next two days because of the loss of workplace productivity. I prefer to think of it as a prolonged weekend where no money is lost because, basically, everyone is watching the games. Viva March Madness!

Zoe Hearts Chocolate

After this she knocked over a bank in order to fund her crippling chocolate addiction...