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Thursday, June 29, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
World Cup Soup #8
The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.
Can a Catholic Order a Fatwa?
So now that it is officially over, I am wondering who it is to blame for our World Cup disaster. I have several candidates. I will leave it to you to vote on who deserves the full and mighty wrath of the United States of America. One or all of these candidates needs to pay. Let's see those comments.
Jorge Larrionda
This experienced international referee single handedly snatched victory and momentum from the USA against Italy. According to his FIFA bio, this humble clerk from Uraguay enjoys breeding animals, including parrots. Other interests include fixing matches, as evidenced by his suspension from international competition in 2002 for "irregularities" in Uraguay. I will never understand how he could issue a red card to Mastroeni for that tackle - except as a make-up call. The second yellow against Pope was a joke. This was an orchestrated effort by FIFA to hold the USA back.
Markus Merk
Another FIFA appointed referee. Can you see the pattern here? Obviously, referee pre-match instructions for games involving the USA include instructions to award a penalty kick in added time if at all possible. The header by Oneyu was absolutely clean. I didn't even see contact! I watch other matches where referees refuse to call a PK in the box for HARD tackles from behind. Instead they pretend the foul occurred outside the box, to avoid completely changing the game. Merk is a Dentist in Germany. I would like to see Oneyu punch his teeth out.
The Acting Troup from Ghana
Never have I been so incensed by injuries than in the game against Ghana. I used to think that South American teams dove and acted too much. It is now clear that Africa has taken the lead in this illustrious skill. Every time a Ghana player lost a ball, missed a tackle, or ran into his OWN teammate, he fell. Not only that, he would grab the most convenient body part, gasp and scream in pain. On replays, it was worse. You could clearly see players fall without contact. I remember a fall where the player even grabbed his head in mock pain. The worst part was USA kept kicking the ball out in a show of sportsmanship. After the 27th fake injury, we should have taken the ball upfield and scored to shut them up. That would end all faking. I know this is part of soccer, but it was elevated to a mockery in this game. Not even a single warning was issued for time-wasting. In a match of this importance, the referee knows the faking is gamesmanship. He needs to step in. Oh yeah, I forgot it was Merk the Jerk.
Bruce Arena
This guy has my vote. He is not equipped to be the national team coach anymore. Granted, he did a great job in 2002 when we surprised the world by making the quarterfinals. This year, he became a complacent, arrogant ass. First, he screws with his players heads by not telling them his starting lineup until gameday. Wouldn't it be helpful for the starters to practice together a day or two to get some rhythm? Next, it's obvious he is not a motivator. Every pregame interview asked, "What did you tell your players before the game?" His answer is always that this is a big game, the players know that, and nothing needs to be said. WHAT? Of course you need to say something. Motivate these guys! Finally, I disagree with his tactics against Czech Republic and Ghana. We were completely outplayed against the Czechs because of poor gameplan and uninspired play. We showed up against Italy, but the Ghana strategy is inexcusable. Needing help from Italy, we should have at least attempted to take more control of our destiny by making up some of the goal differential. I'm not saying we could have scored 4 goals, but we should have come out ATTACKING!!! We played safe, not to lose and paid the price. A more aggressive approach was paramount. We didn't seem to have the will to win.
In general, the 2006 World Cup leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I feel that FIFA and the world have it in for the USA. We are not a traditional soccer power, and they are doing everything possible to ensure that continues. It started with the seedings and poor group draw. Referee decisions put one foot in the grave, and uninspired coaching killed us. Arena needs to go, and the USA needs to play with a chip on its shoulder for 4 years. Africa 2010 should see us take chance out of the draw. We need to be seeded to avoid the uphill battle that we faced this year.
Can a Catholic Order a Fatwa?
So now that it is officially over, I am wondering who it is to blame for our World Cup disaster. I have several candidates. I will leave it to you to vote on who deserves the full and mighty wrath of the United States of America. One or all of these candidates needs to pay. Let's see those comments.
Jorge Larrionda
This experienced international referee single handedly snatched victory and momentum from the USA against Italy. According to his FIFA bio, this humble clerk from Uraguay enjoys breeding animals, including parrots. Other interests include fixing matches, as evidenced by his suspension from international competition in 2002 for "irregularities" in Uraguay. I will never understand how he could issue a red card to Mastroeni for that tackle - except as a make-up call. The second yellow against Pope was a joke. This was an orchestrated effort by FIFA to hold the USA back.Markus Merk
Another FIFA appointed referee. Can you see the pattern here? Obviously, referee pre-match instructions for games involving the USA include instructions to award a penalty kick in added time if at all possible. The header by Oneyu was absolutely clean. I didn't even see contact! I watch other matches where referees refuse to call a PK in the box for HARD tackles from behind. Instead they pretend the foul occurred outside the box, to avoid completely changing the game. Merk is a Dentist in Germany. I would like to see Oneyu punch his teeth out.The Acting Troup from Ghana
Never have I been so incensed by injuries than in the game against Ghana. I used to think that South American teams dove and acted too much. It is now clear that Africa has taken the lead in this illustrious skill. Every time a Ghana player lost a ball, missed a tackle, or ran into his OWN teammate, he fell. Not only that, he would grab the most convenient body part, gasp and scream in pain. On replays, it was worse. You could clearly see players fall without contact. I remember a fall where the player even grabbed his head in mock pain. The worst part was USA kept kicking the ball out in a show of sportsmanship. After the 27th fake injury, we should have taken the ball upfield and scored to shut them up. That would end all faking. I know this is part of soccer, but it was elevated to a mockery in this game. Not even a single warning was issued for time-wasting. In a match of this importance, the referee knows the faking is gamesmanship. He needs to step in. Oh yeah, I forgot it was Merk the Jerk.Bruce Arena
This guy has my vote. He is not equipped to be the national team coach anymore. Granted, he did a great job in 2002 when we surprised the world by making the quarterfinals. This year, he became a complacent, arrogant ass. First, he screws with his players heads by not telling them his starting lineup until gameday. Wouldn't it be helpful for the starters to practice together a day or two to get some rhythm? Next, it's obvious he is not a motivator. Every pregame interview asked, "What did you tell your players before the game?" His answer is always that this is a big game, the players know that, and nothing needs to be said. WHAT? Of course you need to say something. Motivate these guys! Finally, I disagree with his tactics against Czech Republic and Ghana. We were completely outplayed against the Czechs because of poor gameplan and uninspired play. We showed up against Italy, but the Ghana strategy is inexcusable. Needing help from Italy, we should have at least attempted to take more control of our destiny by making up some of the goal differential. I'm not saying we could have scored 4 goals, but we should have come out ATTACKING!!! We played safe, not to lose and paid the price. A more aggressive approach was paramount. We didn't seem to have the will to win.In general, the 2006 World Cup leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I feel that FIFA and the world have it in for the USA. We are not a traditional soccer power, and they are doing everything possible to ensure that continues. It started with the seedings and poor group draw. Referee decisions put one foot in the grave, and uninspired coaching killed us. Arena needs to go, and the USA needs to play with a chip on its shoulder for 4 years. Africa 2010 should see us take chance out of the draw. We need to be seeded to avoid the uphill battle that we faced this year.
Monday, June 19, 2006
It's So Not Over
I've never been more proud of US soccer than I was Saturday afternoon at around 5PM EST. Moments after the US had secured a 1-1 draw with Italy, after going down to nine men early in the second half, to keep their World Cup hopes alive I turned to my brother-in-law and said without a hint of hyperbole, "No doubt I'm somewhat biased, but that might be the greatest soccer game I've ever seen."
After a devastating loss to the Czech Republic 4 days earlier the US needed to secure points against the Italian side - something they had never before done in any World Cup on European soil. We came out of the gates hard, but slow-footed Eddie Pope (who gifted Jan Koller his early goal last Monday) watched as Gilardino stepped right in front of him to put Italy ahead in the 22nd minute. The US responded so quickly that by the time the ABC cameras were done showing replays the US had already kicked off and were moving the ball around Italy's penalty area. Less than 5 minutes later we had equalized on an own-goal by Zaccardo that McBride looked to be ready to tap home anyway. A few minutes after that it appeared that we had been handed the game when DeRossi invoked memories of Leonardo for Brazil in the '94 WC with a vicious elbow to McBride's head. Unfortunately, Pablo Mastroeni gave it right back with a nasty, two-footed, studs up tackle moments before half time. The Uruguayan referee then lost track of things and gave Pope his second yellow just moments into the second half. It was at that moment that I ordered a Guinness and a shot of Jack Daniels and conceded that our World Cup dreams were over...
But then something happened. The US didn't play like they had only 9 men on the field. They were still flying everywhere. Donovan was running right past people. And when coach Bruce Arena brought on an inspired DeMarcus Beasley it was the US who looked like they were playing a man up. Using the counter-attack to perfection in the 65th minute Beasley scored what appeared to be the first goal in World Cup history by a team reduced to 9 men. Alas, McBride was offside and the goal was negated. Sadly, it was the correct call. Still, the US persevered and with some late help by Ka-sey Kel-ler held on for the point.
So now the US is where they could only have dreamed they could be after last Monday's disgrace. Thanks to Ghana's shocking 2-0 defeat of the Czech Republic, we're still alive heading into our final group game. The US must win, win big, and hope for some help in order to qualify for the next round. But after Saturday's performance I think anything's possible...
After a devastating loss to the Czech Republic 4 days earlier the US needed to secure points against the Italian side - something they had never before done in any World Cup on European soil. We came out of the gates hard, but slow-footed Eddie Pope (who gifted Jan Koller his early goal last Monday) watched as Gilardino stepped right in front of him to put Italy ahead in the 22nd minute. The US responded so quickly that by the time the ABC cameras were done showing replays the US had already kicked off and were moving the ball around Italy's penalty area. Less than 5 minutes later we had equalized on an own-goal by Zaccardo that McBride looked to be ready to tap home anyway. A few minutes after that it appeared that we had been handed the game when DeRossi invoked memories of Leonardo for Brazil in the '94 WC with a vicious elbow to McBride's head. Unfortunately, Pablo Mastroeni gave it right back with a nasty, two-footed, studs up tackle moments before half time. The Uruguayan referee then lost track of things and gave Pope his second yellow just moments into the second half. It was at that moment that I ordered a Guinness and a shot of Jack Daniels and conceded that our World Cup dreams were over...
But then something happened. The US didn't play like they had only 9 men on the field. They were still flying everywhere. Donovan was running right past people. And when coach Bruce Arena brought on an inspired DeMarcus Beasley it was the US who looked like they were playing a man up. Using the counter-attack to perfection in the 65th minute Beasley scored what appeared to be the first goal in World Cup history by a team reduced to 9 men. Alas, McBride was offside and the goal was negated. Sadly, it was the correct call. Still, the US persevered and with some late help by Ka-sey Kel-ler held on for the point.
So now the US is where they could only have dreamed they could be after last Monday's disgrace. Thanks to Ghana's shocking 2-0 defeat of the Czech Republic, we're still alive heading into our final group game. The US must win, win big, and hope for some help in order to qualify for the next round. But after Saturday's performance I think anything's possible...
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
World Cup Soup #7
The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.
It's All Over
5 minutes into the World Cup opener for the USA, it was over. That 6'8" freek of nature headed the damn ball right into the net dashing all hopes at a respectable showing. Even worse, the final score put us in a severe deficit with goal differential. At this point, we have to beat Italy and Ghana, and hope that the Czechs beat Italy. If all that happens, we get to play Brazil in the second round. Yeah, great.
The worst thing is that the rest of the world has absolutely zero respect for us - rightfully so. Maybe even worse is the USA media laughing at how much we were overhyped. Who overhyped us? None other than that same USA media!!! Nobody else in the world hyped us! It absolutely makes me sick. We should boycott any future World Cups played in Europe. I think this will be my last World Cup Soup post.
It's All Over 5 minutes into the World Cup opener for the USA, it was over. That 6'8" freek of nature headed the damn ball right into the net dashing all hopes at a respectable showing. Even worse, the final score put us in a severe deficit with goal differential. At this point, we have to beat Italy and Ghana, and hope that the Czechs beat Italy. If all that happens, we get to play Brazil in the second round. Yeah, great.
The worst thing is that the rest of the world has absolutely zero respect for us - rightfully so. Maybe even worse is the USA media laughing at how much we were overhyped. Who overhyped us? None other than that same USA media!!! Nobody else in the world hyped us! It absolutely makes me sick. We should boycott any future World Cups played in Europe. I think this will be my last World Cup Soup post.
Friday, June 09, 2006
World Cup Soup #6
The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.
Don't Tread
It's 15 minutes before kickoff of the 2006 World Cup. This will be the last time I check the internet during the day today and for the rest of the month. I plan on using TiVo to record every game and watch them in the evening. There's nothing else on TV! It might get tough later in the first round when 4 games a day begin. I'll just have to pick the best 2 each day and rely on the ESPN World Cup Today wrap show every night.
So a few quick comments before the fun begins:
Don't Tread
It's 15 minutes before kickoff of the 2006 World Cup. This will be the last time I check the internet during the day today and for the rest of the month. I plan on using TiVo to record every game and watch them in the evening. There's nothing else on TV! It might get tough later in the first round when 4 games a day begin. I'll just have to pick the best 2 each day and rely on the ESPN World Cup Today wrap show every night.
So a few quick comments before the fun begins:
- Bridget and Bryan are currently on a plane flying to Germany. Damn them!
- The Ivory Coast has declared a truce to its civil war. No mass killings for a couple weeks.
- Commemorate your favorite World Cup ref with this beautiful souvenir.
- My prediction: USA 2-1 CZE, ITA 3-0 USA, USA 1-0 GHA. We lose to Brazil 2-0 in the second round.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
World Cup Soup #5
The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.
German Beer
So everyone knows all about Germany's claim to fame. No, not chocolate or cuckoo clocks. I'm talking about beer. Germany claims worlwide fame for producing some of the best beers known to man. Most of them are too difficult to spell or even pronounce, but they certainly do it right. Ever heard of Oktoberfest? I thought so!
With this in mind, it's not so surprising that Germans were up in arms about worldwide World Cup sponsers providing beer in their own nation. It was a national scandal that you might have to buy Budweiser at a Cup match. Of course, German pride won out and that won't be happening. The solution is the "Germany Cocktail" ...
Germany Cocktail: Black vodka, orange juice
mixed with grenadine, and plain orange juice all
mixed in German colors to provide a tasty treat!
Man, that looks sooooo much better than a nice cold Bud! Those Germans sure know their beer. As soon as you finish this "delicious" drink, you can run straight here and relieve yourself (preferably not from vomiting). This is an actual photo taken in a restroom at the international press center in Berlin!
German Beer
So everyone knows all about Germany's claim to fame. No, not chocolate or cuckoo clocks. I'm talking about beer. Germany claims worlwide fame for producing some of the best beers known to man. Most of them are too difficult to spell or even pronounce, but they certainly do it right. Ever heard of Oktoberfest? I thought so!
With this in mind, it's not so surprising that Germans were up in arms about worldwide World Cup sponsers providing beer in their own nation. It was a national scandal that you might have to buy Budweiser at a Cup match. Of course, German pride won out and that won't be happening. The solution is the "Germany Cocktail" ...
Germany Cocktail: Black vodka, orange juice mixed with grenadine, and plain orange juice all
mixed in German colors to provide a tasty treat!
Man, that looks sooooo much better than a nice cold Bud! Those Germans sure know their beer. As soon as you finish this "delicious" drink, you can run straight here and relieve yourself (preferably not from vomiting). This is an actual photo taken in a restroom at the international press center in Berlin!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
World Cup Soup #4
The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.
England Needs Roo
So just who is Wayne Rooney? Before April 29, I have to admit I only knew he was another hot young striker for England playing for Man U. After April 29, I suddenly realized that he is actually Pele, Eusebio, Maradona and Jesus Christ all wrapped into one body. It was a foregone conclusion that England with Rooney would win the 2006 World Cup.
So what happened to the 20 year old Man-God on April 29? While playing a league match against Chelsea, Rooney was tackled hard by defender Paulo Ferreira, fracturing his right 4th metatarsal along with another small bone in his foot. (Actual x-ray of a similar injury to yours truly last April) Disaster! With only 6 weeks before the World Cup, all hope was lost. To make matters worse, this was the second time Roo had suffered such a setback near a major tourney (Euro 2004). Surely, England need not even show up to Germany.
The British and European obsession with Rooney is hilarious! By attempting to read news on the upcoming World Cup (only 2 days away), all one can find are Rooney updates. Seriously, today was very bad as final word was expected as to whether Rooney would be able to play. Let's follow the headlines online today:
Roo Boards Private Jet in Germany
Roo Arrives in England for Scan
Roo Escorted to Private Hospital for Scan
Roo Leaves Hospital and Heads to Airport
Roo Arrives Back in Germany
Roo Cleared to Play for England
Whoopee F%$#ing Doo! I hope England goes down in flames in the opening round, and Rooney scores 10 goals despite the humiliating defeats. I can already see the headline:
Roo Scores 10 But Fails as Midfielder, Defender and Keeper
England Needs Roo
So just who is Wayne Rooney? Before April 29, I have to admit I only knew he was another hot young striker for England playing for Man U. After April 29, I suddenly realized that he is actually Pele, Eusebio, Maradona and Jesus Christ all wrapped into one body. It was a foregone conclusion that England with Rooney would win the 2006 World Cup.So what happened to the 20 year old Man-God on April 29? While playing a league match against Chelsea, Rooney was tackled hard by defender Paulo Ferreira, fracturing his right 4th metatarsal along with another small bone in his foot. (Actual x-ray of a similar injury to yours truly last April) Disaster! With only 6 weeks before the World Cup, all hope was lost. To make matters worse, this was the second time Roo had suffered such a setback near a major tourney (Euro 2004). Surely, England need not even show up to Germany.
The British and European obsession with Rooney is hilarious! By attempting to read news on the upcoming World Cup (only 2 days away), all one can find are Rooney updates. Seriously, today was very bad as final word was expected as to whether Rooney would be able to play. Let's follow the headlines online today:Roo Boards Private Jet in Germany
Roo Arrives in England for Scan
Roo Escorted to Private Hospital for Scan
Roo Leaves Hospital and Heads to Airport
Roo Arrives Back in Germany
Roo Cleared to Play for England
Whoopee F%$#ing Doo! I hope England goes down in flames in the opening round, and Rooney scores 10 goals despite the humiliating defeats. I can already see the headline:
Roo Scores 10 But Fails as Midfielder, Defender and Keeper
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Throw Us a Freaking Bone, Nike
As I mentioned in a previous posting, I recently took the plunge and purchased an official US MNT jersey made by Nike. During that process I took some time over at soccer.com to take a gander at the national team jerseys of other Nike-sponsored countries. To my dismay I found that all of them used the same fabrics and technologies. More to my dismay I found that many of them were cooler looking than the US jersey. So here's my question - why doesn't Nike make super-special, super-cool jerseys exclusively for the US MNT?
Look, I know that the US is not the best soccer-playing country that Nike sponsors (anyone heard of a place called Brazil?) and I know that we don't have any upper-echelon type players in our squad, but Nike's world headquarters are in Beaverton, Oregon. Not London or Rio de Janeiro or Paris. Nike made an international name for itself in the United States. Without the initial support of the US market Nike would have never become the worldwide sporting juggernaut that it is today.
When I see photos or video of the German national team, which is sponsored by Adidas (which is based in Germany), they are always wearing crazy gear that I have never seen available online, in stores, or worn by other, non-German players. Adidas gets it. They sponsor a bunch of other countries as well, including recent World Cup and Euro winner France, but they save a little something extra for the home team. Why can't Nike do that for the US?
The US team is getting better, but let's face it - they still have a long way to go. They need all the help they can get. Why can't Nike give a little more and help the home team? They must have technologies and fabrics in development that they could test in concert with the US program. Personally, I consider the current state of affairs tantamount to treason...
Look, I know that the US is not the best soccer-playing country that Nike sponsors (anyone heard of a place called Brazil?) and I know that we don't have any upper-echelon type players in our squad, but Nike's world headquarters are in Beaverton, Oregon. Not London or Rio de Janeiro or Paris. Nike made an international name for itself in the United States. Without the initial support of the US market Nike would have never become the worldwide sporting juggernaut that it is today.
When I see photos or video of the German national team, which is sponsored by Adidas (which is based in Germany), they are always wearing crazy gear that I have never seen available online, in stores, or worn by other, non-German players. Adidas gets it. They sponsor a bunch of other countries as well, including recent World Cup and Euro winner France, but they save a little something extra for the home team. Why can't Nike do that for the US?
The US team is getting better, but let's face it - they still have a long way to go. They need all the help they can get. Why can't Nike give a little more and help the home team? They must have technologies and fabrics in development that they could test in concert with the US program. Personally, I consider the current state of affairs tantamount to treason...
Friday, June 02, 2006
Ian's Quadrennial World Cup Preview
With just 1 week left until the 2006 World Cup kicks off in Germany I thought it an appropriate time to take a look at the teams and groups and make a few predictions - 60% of the time, I'm right all the time. Here goes...
GROUP A: Costa Rica, Ecuador, Germany, Poland
GROUP B: England, Paraguay, Sweden, Trinidad & Tobago
GROUP C: Argentina, Ivory Coast, Netherlands, Serbia & Montenegro
GROUP D: Angola, Iran, Mexico, Portugal
GROUP E: Czech Republic, Ghana, Italy, United States
GROUP F: Australia, Brazil, Croatia, Japan
GROUP G: France, South Korea, Switzerland, Togo
GROUP H: Saudi Arabia, Spain, Tunisia, Ukraine
We'll revisit these predictions after the qualifying round is over and the single-elimination portion of the tournament begins. If I didn't pick one of your favorites to make it out of the opening round, I wouldn't be too discouraged - if the NCAA basketball tournament has taught me anything it's that the only thing I can be certain of is that I'm probably spectacularly wrong...
GROUP A: Costa Rica, Ecuador, Germany, Poland
Wow! The host country was "randomly picked" into what is easily the least competitive group in the entire tournament. Luckily for Costa Rica, Ecuador, and Poland this year's German team is not very good. Still, expect Germany and Poland to qualify 1 and 2, but it'll be tighter than many think.
GROUP B: England, Paraguay, Sweden, Trinidad & Tobago
England is certainly less threatening without Wayne Rooney, but they're still the best team in this group; however, don't overlook Sweden. Sweden and England qualify 1 and 2.
GROUP C: Argentina, Ivory Coast, Netherlands, Serbia & Montenegro
Many are calling Group C the 'Group of Death'. I am calling those people morons. Let's see, an upstart African team, a country that will no longer exist at the time the World Cup begins on June 9, and two of the best teams in the world. Netherlands and Argentina qualify 1 and 2... easily.
GROUP D: Angola, Iran, Mexico, Portugal
The US shocked Portugal in its first game of World Cup 2002; don't expect them to get caught offguard again. In other news, the only chance Angola and Iran have of advancing is if it's done alphabetically. Mexico and Portugal qualify 1 and 2.
GROUP E: Czech Republic, Ghana, Italy, United States
This is your real 'Group of Death'. Even though the FIFA rankings are out of whack, the Czech, Italian, and American teams all all top-15 in the world and Ghana is an up-and-coming African squad. This one's going to come down to goal differential and, unfortunately for the US, the Czechs and Italians have more offensive firepower and steadier back lines. Czech Republic and Italy qualify 1 and 2, with Italy edging out the US on goal difference.
GROUP F: Australia, Brazil, Croatia, Japan
The question here isn't whether or not Brazil will advance to the second round, it's who will qualify in second place. In this case (shakes Magic 8-Ball)... Japan.
GROUP G: France, South Korea, Switzerland, Togo
I had to look Togo up on a map because I thought FIFA had made up a country so that France could advance more easily. Rest assured, Togo is a real country somewhere in Africa. Unfortunately for Togo (formerly French Togoland, no joke, look it up!), the only chance they have of advancing is if France reclaims them as a colony. Switzerland and France qualify 1 and 2.
GROUP H: Saudi Arabia, Spain, Tunisia, Ukraine
Ah, Spain, the Elmer Fudd of international soccer. Every time you think they're due to perform well in a tournament, someone sticks a carrot in their rifle barrel and they self-destruct. Fortunately for them, they've been handed a cakewalk. Spain and Ukraine qualify 1 and 2.
We'll revisit these predictions after the qualifying round is over and the single-elimination portion of the tournament begins. If I didn't pick one of your favorites to make it out of the opening round, I wouldn't be too discouraged - if the NCAA basketball tournament has taught me anything it's that the only thing I can be certain of is that I'm probably spectacularly wrong...
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