Show Me The Money!

I am sick and tired of all the stories about the "poor college athlete." Not a month goes by that I don't hear some story about Johnny Linebacker. Poor Johnny can't get a job because he has a scholarship. He is forced to eat mac and cheese, drive a broken down old car and cannot afford new clothes. The issue is whether college athletes should be paid. Of course, the undertone provided by the media is that the greedy NCAA money machine should share a piece of the pie with it's athletes. A recent series of events has really brought new perspective to this issue.

First up is A.J. Hawk, star linebacker for Ohio State, our upcoming opponent in the Fiesta Bowl. Of course, everyone by now has heard that he is dating Brady Quinn's sister. So how does this poor schlob get our QB's sister to go out with him? A recent incident in Columbus may shed some light on this issue. Hawk, center Nick Mangold and another roommate lost $3000 and other items worth thousands of dollars when their rented campus-area house was burglarized last month. The stolen items included two laptop computers worth $3500, DVD movies worth $1425, video games worth $750 and a $500 watch. Not to mention they had $3000 CASH sitting around! Must be tough to be a football player for the Bucks!

Next is a story about Section 8 housing. We all know it as "the projects." A recent law was passed closing a loophole by which college athletes qualified. You see, these poor athletes can't get jobs, so they have no money. Of course they qualified for Section 8. So why in heaven would they want to live in the projects? Because they still got paid a stipend for room and board by their university! I don't know what room and board costs these days, but when I went to school, it was upward of $12000. That's a nice little paycheck! You might ask, why is this so wrong? Well, when players from such schools as Virginia Tech and Nebraska applied for housing, local poor families were put out on the street! Good work guys.

Another good story revolves around college Bowl season. Remember when we were in school (ND) and the players came back after the Holidays sporting all their awesome Bowl gear? I used to be so jealous of the awesome sweatshirts, hats and gear with the Bowl logo on them. Well, the NCAA upped the ante. Bowls are now allowed to give $500 worth of gifts to each player. PSP, iPod and DVD players are now standard gifts. Wondering about the Fiesta Bowl gift package: Sony PSP, Bulova watch, commemorative football, Fiesta Bowl dart board and snack-filled duffel bag.

Finally, the main issue for me is that these athletes get a free education! Do you know what I would do to not have student loans? I still rememeber working at least 40 hours every week during the summer in college, sometimes 16 hour shifts. At the end of the summer, I would write Mom and Dad a big fat check for school. They then took that check and wrote an even bigger check to pay for the rest! These athletes have it made! Some of them get it, and take advantage of their opportunity. But if I have to listen to one more media talking head say that college athletes should be paid...

Heffernan Family Events - Vol. 2

The Heffernan Family is defined by its history together and apart. Well-known to us, but maybe not to everyone are the family members and all those other people, places, and events that serve to make up our own unique family identity. This post if an effort to detail the people and events that make us the Royal Heffernans.

Mom's Sunday Tirades

Sunday’s were a time of relative ease at the Royal Heffernan home. An early mass time, usually 7:30 or 8AM was the norm. It wasn’t unpleasant, and afterwards there would be breakfast at a nice restaurant or someone would cook the eggs, biscuits, and sausage patties at home. Then, depending on the time of year, it would be a leisurely morning of Dutch First division soccer, and a quick nap.
Well, those were the very rare Sundays. Usually, once mass was over (literally), mom would begin planning the chores and tasks. The car ride home from mass would be defined by the jobs laid out by mom for all of us to do. It wasn’t as if mom was really congenial about this; things were done her way, or the screaming began. Dusting, laundry, stripping beds, cleaning bathrooms, putting away clothes, and on and on. By 9:30AM, you would have thought you stepped into the workhouse of Oliver Twist. I really don’t recall a Sunday before I was 15 years old where mom wasn’t pissed off at one of us for something.
A lot of time it was Bridget and Colin who inspired the most violent responses from mom. Usually not Ted or Ian, as Ian always did his chores well, and Ted, well, we all learned not to yell at Ted. And even though Bridget and Colin inspired the ire of mom, they were so damn good at disappearing that it usually fell on Ian and I. To this day Ian and I are the “best cleaners” of mom’s children. I don’t know if that’s a good title or not, but man can I clean a bathroom!
Mom’s tirades were fact for nearly 15 years, but have since moved more into the realm of legend and memory. It’s tough to image mom, sweet Mrs. Heffernan, the leading lady of the Royal Heffernans as anything but a kind, loving, compassionate woman. Six days of the week you’d be right. But there was always Sunday. And mom just wasn’t the same on Sunday.

Heffernan Family Events - Vol. 1

The Heffernan Family is defined by its history together and apart. Well-known to us, but maybe not to everyone are the family members and all those other people, places, and events that serve to make up our own unique family identity. This post if an effort to detail the people and events that make us the Royal Heffernans.

Dad teaches us all to curse through do-it-yourself home repair jobs

We all remember those wonderful weekends when, at mom’s request, dad would try and fix something around the house. Almost never did things go as planned, and most of the time they went horribly wrong. It was during those times that Heffernan children learned the fine art of cursing.
Mom would usually require at least one of us kids to help out dad, and usually we were eager to help. The prospect of putting in a new sink, or building a deck, or rewiring an outlet, all for the benefit of house, home, and family, were attractive. However, the attraction was quickly lost when we heard the first grumblings of dad. A few deep breaths, a muttered word or two, and then… a tirade at which Ralphie himself would have covered his ears.
Those were usually the points when any “extra” help vanished. Obviously Colin was long gone, and unless you were directly involved, you left as well. Sometimes mom would make us go back, and when we objected, she’d just say “Cover your ears, he needs help.” Help he did need, but usually it was help from himself. In the end dad usually made things work. He built two decks, redid the majority of cable and phone lines in Copperglow, did a significant bit of plumbing in his time, and even managed to chop up the oak tree without dying (though it was touch and go there for the two guys holding the ladder).
Dad always kept up a steady string of “colorful” language once the first problem was found in any project. And it was usually at that point that mistakes were made: making the seal too tight, hitting every finger on his left hand with the hammer, cutting the wire a hair too short, and countless runs to the hardware store for supplies ex post facto. It didn’t help that the hardware stores never had the necessary supplies, so a second trip was required – as it was required for God to damn the required item not in stock, the store to which we went to obtain the item, anyone in any way responsible for the store not having the item, and dad himself for needing the item in the first place.
Dad, of course, never forgot to include himself in his tirades. In that he taught his children humility. “Blame the idiot holding the hammer,” I heard him say once after he couldn’t hammer a nail in straight. He always remembered to include himself when telling God that something (or someone) needed damning. I learned a valuable lesson from him: you can yell and scream and curse at people and inanimate objects all you want, but you have to include yourself, too.
Dad is the reason why Heffernan’s love doing home projects. If you happened to marry a Heffernan male, dad is also the reason we’re so creative in our solutions when something goes wrong. Dad is also the reason why when a mistake comes up, you can tell the severity of the problem by the expression. The following is the severity level by expression, per Dad:

Crap – minor problem, easily solved with a little extra time
Damn – unforeseen problem that can be easily solved with extra time and supplies
God damnit – any problem caused due to your own mistake
Shit – major problem, only moments before catastrophic failure of some jerry-rigged contraption
Fuck – major setback; the plan has gone terribly wrong due to poor planning

That being said, dad’s desire to always do things himself (attributable to lack of money and/or lack of common sense) made do-it-yourself men out of all of his sons. We’ve all learned valuable lessons of what and what not to do for home repair jobs. We also learned the fact that a little extra money spent up front, yields large dividends in the end. And lastly, we learned that do-it-yourself projects require planning, organization, and a steady stream of cursing that provides valuable information to our spouses and children about the current status of the project.

Who Dey?!!!!

On November 4th, 2005 members of the Cincinnati Bengals and famed musical artist Bootsy Collins collaborated to create one of this year's great music videos, Fear Da Tiger. The song, released in October, features players Duane Clemons, Ben Wilkerson and Stacy Andrews rapping lyrics they penned themselves. "The Bengals are doing their part," Collins said. "I'm just trying to do mine." Collins' wife and business manager, Patti Collins - who was a Ben-Gal in 1984 - says they hope to make "Fear Da Tiger" available in stores and give a portion of the proceeds to the FreeStore/FoodBank. This video is freaking sweet. Thank you Cincinnati Bengals for not sucking this year, and thank you Bootsy Collins for giving me something to do at work today.

Fun with Federline

In case you were wondering, Mr. Britney Spears' brake calipers are worth more than your life. Yes, this chooch had the audacity to purchase (well, he didn't purchase anything... ever... in his entire life) custom, personalized brake calipers for "his" Ferrari. But the best is saved for the second photo - read the fine print on Mr. Spears' collar. You may need to read it several times to verify, but it does indeed say "Holla @ Yo Damn Self". This is only topped by the fact that Mr. Spears is apparently going golfing (note the golf bag) in this apparel. First, who made this shirt and why? Second, I'd commit ritual suicide before wearing that shirt and camouflage pants anywhere, much less a golf course. Third, can someone please tell this guy YOU ARE NOT BLACK!!! Finally, I've been trying to think of a word that best describes Federline and I think I've found it - douchebag. Doesn't he just ooze "douchebag" whenever you see that cornrowed head of his? Maybe it's just me...

Matt Leinart Consumes Alcohol

As the photographic evidence below shockingly illustrates, Matt Leinart has, on at least 1 occasion, overconsumed. Apparently, this is a big deal. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I guess it's supposed to be embarrassing or something, but if you ask me - if a 32 year old former Heisman-winning college quarterback wants to drink a few beers and hook up with semi-attractive 19 year olds... more power to him. That's not embarrassing. Embarrassing would be if that girl was really Reggie Bush wearing a wig and the jealous girl in the background was actually LenDale White. That's embarrassing. Fortunately for Leinart, Bush, and White USC has made sure all those pictures were destroyed...

16-0: Should They or Shouldn't They?

That's the question everyone is asking now that the Colts, at 13-0, have clinched home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs. However, the question really should be - Should the Colts give up on the rest of the regular season? Because there is no guarantee that even if the Colts play all their starters from here out they go 3-0 against San Diego, @Seattle, and against Arizona. Ok, so Arizona is a sure thing, but San Diego is fighting for a playoff spot and Seattle will be looking to wrap up home field advantage in the NFC. Bottom line, I don't think the Colts make it through the next two weekends regardless of whom they start.

You can equate this situation to condoms, abstinence, and STDs. In this scenario, an injury is your chlamydia and the theory of resting your players down the stretch is the condom of the NFL - it will reduce the odds of players getting hurt, but it's not fool proof. The only 100% proven method for players not getting injured/chlamydia is abstinence, i.e. not playing them at all. And there is no way Dungy would do that because they'd all be rusty going into the playoffs. And that doesn't even take into consideration practice, which we'll call fellatio for our purposes here - often overlooked, but just as dangerous. Who's to say Manning, Edge, or Harrison won't go down on a Wednesday?

No, the question here is whether or not the Colts should keep doing what they've been doing for the past 14 weeks, which is win - and win convincingly for the most part. If you ask me (or Ozzie Guillen), you don't change a thing over these next 3 weeks. Your team is playing better than anyone else in the league right now and they're on one helluva roll. Why mess with that mojo? Of course the ultimate goal is always the Super Bowl, but the NFL can be a bitter mistress. If it ain't broke don't fix it...

Dan O'Brien, You Broke My Heart

I am not quite ready to discuss the Sean Casey trade, but here is a picture which clearly shows my love for The Mayor. You can see above Liz napping on my bed in college (or is she upset over hearing the news that The Mayor was traded?), and above the bed is my poster of The Mayor. I loved that poster. Edit - I beat Liz severely for having shoes on the bed.

Say It Ain't So, Mayor

I think a little piece of Colin just died. Sean Casey, the heart and soul of the Reds was just traded to the Pirates! It's a sad state of affairs when we have 4 starting OF players and end up trading our 1B and captain, the Mayor. So who did we get? A southpaw starter named Dave Williams. 3 years removed from shoulder surgery and boasting a red-hot 4.41 ERA last year, Williams biggest claim to fame is that Tony Larussa thinks he's good!

Somehow, I don't think this guy is the answer. I also don't think we're done dealing. Either Griffey or Dunn will be gone for another lackluster starter soon. Sorry Colin. If you end up boycotting MLB and the Reds, I'll take your satellite radio!

Playoffs, Schmayoffs

So now that the BCS bowls have been decided comes the inevitable crying about the BCS system. Boo hoo, Oregon didn't get in. Waaah, Florida St. got in with 4 losses. Here's the fundamental problem with any playoff scenario (and the NCAA bowl logic, in general) - biased rankings. You can never have an honest playoff without someone crying about getting left out. Even in the NCAA Basketball tournament you have "bubble teams" that get bounced to the NIT and feel ripped off.

The common thinking approach is to have a playoff with the top 8 teams. You think choosing the top 2 is difficult? Things get a lot messier and you move further down in the rankings. The final BCS standings this year are as follows:

1. USC 12-0
   
2. Texas 12-0
   
3. Penn State 10-1
   
4. Ohio State 9-2
   
5. Oregon 10-1
   
6. Notre Dame 9-2
   
7. Georgia 10-2
   
8. Miami 9-2
   
9. Auburn 9-2
   
10. Va. Tech 10-2
    
11. West Virginia 10-1
    
12. LSU 10-2
    

As you can see USC and Texas are the clear cut #'s 1 and 2, but things get pretty ugly fighting for that #8 spot. Go with the BCS standings and the Big East has no representatives and the SEC, whom many (but not me) consider the toughest college football division, gets only 1 representative in Georgia. Put simply, the super conferences - Big 10, Pac-10, SEC, ACC, Big 12, and Big East - would never agree to a playoff system in college football without guaranteed representation, i.e. money.

The current system of deriving these rankings is also ridiculous in light of the coaches poll voting results being released today. Listen, I know I'm a little biased towards Notre Dame, but you'd have to be a fool to not have them ranked in your top 6 or 7. Steve Spurrier had Notre Dame ranked 14th! Ty Willingham and Mike Bellotti both had them ranked 9th (not that they had hidden agendas or anything). In last week's coaches poll Notre Dame was ranked higher than Oregon by 26 points. Neither team played this past weekend, but somehow Oregon leap-frogged Notre Dame in this week's coaches poll by 15 points! Huh? So let me get this straight - last week you thought Notre Dame was better, neither team played this weekend, and now, after you've had a chance to sleep on it, you think Oregon is better? Have I got that correct? People will never allow a completely unbiased, all-computer ranking system because they feel, with justification I think, that the computers can't properly account for a team's ability. And they'll never dump the computers because you have yahoos like Steve Spurrier ranking Notre Dame 14th because Charlie Weis ripped on him before the season started.

So until you can create a reliable ranking system that determines which teams are included in the playoff and until you can get the conferences to accept the fact that they may miss out on guaranteed money every year you'll never have a playoff. Personally, I'm fine with the current system. It gives us the game we want to see 8 out of 10 times. And if a team gets gypped? That's why the AP broke free - they'll automatically anoint the left-out team the co-national champion out of spite. Short of that, the best option would be to dump the BCS "series" and just have the title game which would rotate every year like it currently does. All the other bowls can go back to their previous affiliations and there's no crying about being left out of the so-called "big money" bowls. Oh, but then the actual Bowl Committees will get mad... You just can't win.