Ishtar on Mars

"Imagine you're at a picnic, and you have a paper plate. Not the rigid kind, but the flimsy kind where you have to double up, or it won't be strong enough, only you didn't double up, so you just have one. When you get to the head of the line, you're served a large dollop of oatmealy, sick person's poop, and then another dollop. Right onto the paper plate. Two servings is too much for the plate. Being paper, it buckles under the pressure and the moisture. Still, the soup spoon keeps serving—three, four, five, six—and the slop piles high. The soup spoon starts to bend and your paper plate begins to disintegrate. Eventually you back away and, in this bad dream, you have to somehow maneuver the paper plate, without spilling it, through a cramped room packed with psychotic monkeys. But, of course, you spill it. Right down your front. Now you're covered in shit.

That's Disney's John Carter in a nutshell."


Wow! That's the opening paragraph from Slant Magazine's review of John Carter. It has been a LONG time since I recall an epic failure of such proportions for a blockbuster of this size. The movie reportedly cost $250 million to make, and had HEAVY marketing estimated to bring the total tab up to $300 mill. It is now projected to LOSE $200 million!!! I haven't seen it, and have never had any desire to do so. The point of this post is not to pile on John Carter, but to ask a simple question:

Can a web site jump the shark?

I have been a huge fan of Harry Knowles web site, Ain't It Cool News, for years. I have always admired Harry and his crew for their unabashed enthusiasm for action, adventure, sci-fi and horror films. If there is a big movie you want to see, Ain't It Cool has got you covered. Sometimes, Harry goes against the grain and lets his emotions get the best of him in reviewing a film. That has always been a draw for me, as it seems he is just a big fan of movies - just like you or me.

In recent years, it seems Harry's reviews and opinions have been off-base quite a bit. Some in the media have questioned his credibility. His web site has millions of readers, and good publicity on it can lead to a big box office for a new movie. Harry and his staff attend events paid for by the movie studios, including visits to movie sets and premieres. One wonders if these events would be offered should a scathing review follow.

So it was very interesting when Harry posted his recent review of John Carter:

Harry's 145,002 word review of JOHN CARTER!!!

Don't worry, it isn't actually that long! Needless to say, he loved it. Not only that, but EVERYONE he has spoken to who has seen the movie loved it. That includes fans of the book, newcomers, other websites, AICN staffers, and AICN readers. Huh? Is he serious?

Fast forward to opening weekend. The movie is a critical and commercial disaster from the outset. Does Harry or AICN rethink their opinions? No way!

Mr. Beaks Takes Issue With The Coverage Of JOHN CARTER!

They go fullspeed ahead defending the movie taking the stance that the media has an axe to grind and is being unfair - WAH!

Think they would let it go after that, and with continued savaging of the film everywhere? Nope!

If you haven't seen JOHN CARTER, this fan trailer nails it! This is how the film could have been sold...

Seriously!?? Are they still trying to explain why they are right and THE ENTIRE WORLD IS WRONG? Now Harry blames Disney for bad marketing. Marketing which he has PRAISED effusively on his own web site for months!!!

I think I may have to drop Ain't It Cool News from the old web reading list. These guys have gone off the deep end. Anybody got any good upcoming movie sites they like to read?

This Could Be Really Interesting

Yesterday news broke that basically the entire Saints coaching staff, plus their general manager, would be suspended for the upcoming NFL season as a result of their bounty scandal. Today, people are already starting to write-off the Saints season, but for the wrong reasons entirely. It's true that if the actual players involved in the bounty program face similar punishment, the season would be in jeopardy. A good portion of the Saints defense, including star linebacker Jonathan Vilma, were involved and their losses would be devastating to the team's hopes. But the Saints have always been about offense. And they'll still have Drew Brees, one of the best quarterbacks in the league running the show.

What I would find very intriguing is if the Saints said, "F**k it. We're letting the players coach."

For the past several decades coaches in the NFL have taken on demigod status. They're constantly referred to as "gurus" or "geniuses". They're glorified for consistently putting in 16+ hour workdays the entire year round, sleeping at team facilities, and destroying their families in the pursuit of winning. What has been implied is that coaches drive the NFL, not the players, but there has always been the alternate theory that players make the coach. The list of NFL coaches that have excelled with future Hall of Famers leading their teams only to fall flat on their faces with another team with averages Joes is extensive - Shanahan, Parcells, and Jimmy Johnson, to name just a few. Coaches are saviors. "If we could just get a good coach he could coach up these guys and turn things around!"

So what if a team won without an established coaching staff? Brees already was a ringleader in pulling his team together and organizing workouts during last year's lockout. He's the undisputed team leader. Everyone on that team respects him and would follow his lead. I'd love it if Tom Benson just threw him the keys and said, "It's your team this year." If there's any team in the NFL that could pull this off, it'd be the Saints. Again, Brees is established and knows the organization, and they're going to have a huge us-against-them mentality to rally around. Besides, it's super late in the off-season already and you know Payton is coming back. What coach in his right mind would even want the gig?

Every pundit, announcer, and former player now on TV would shout that the Saints were throwing away the season by not hiring an experienced coach. And if the Saints defied expectations and actually won it would throw everything we've been told about the importance of a good coach right out the window. In short, it would be awesome.

Death of a Legend

I guess I can't say I'm surprised. The latest casualty of the digital age is the Encyclopedia Britannica. Following in the path of newspapers, DVDs, CDs and even books, Encyclopedia Britannica today announced they will no longer offer a printed edition of their vaunted set. First published in 1768, the latest edition, published in 2010, will be it's last.

I could go on and on about Encyclopedia Britannica and what the loss means as far as progress, but I think that is really just sentiment. In reality, no encyclopedia can keep up with the rapid pace of knowledge now available online - for free. However, I wanted to focus in a bit more on my own personal experiences with it. I remember when Mom and Dad bought our family set. I don't know how much it cost, but I'm sure it wasn't cheap! At first, I was just astounded by the details and knowledge that it offered. Prior to the internet, their were 3 ways to learn things: in school, from your parents, or at the library using card catalogs. Britannica offered me a better way.

This set sitting on the shelf in our living room had the answers to almost every question I had. I didn't have to ask someone, or get to the library, or wait until it came up in school. I could look myself. That was a great thing. I can't even begin to count the number of reports that I wrote based upon those books. I know I spent countless hours reading them just for fun as well. I will say without a doubt, that my education was vastly enhanced by this set. Who knows where I might be today without having Encyclopedia Britannica in our house when I was younger.

That same set stills sits on the shelf on Copperglow. Gathering dust, it is now officially a relic. It really only has worth for sentimental value now, but I say it was one of the best investments our parents ever made.

DIBBS!!!

The Onion

I mentioned to Steph last week that either Rick Santorum is the biggest phony in the Republican party - pandering to the far-right voters with his recents comments - or he is batshit crazy. Seems The Onion decided to run with the latter. I try not to get too political around these parts, but, geebus, this guy is f***ing nuts.

UPDATED: You'd think this was also an Onion satire piece, but sadly it's an actual bunch of scientists demonstrating that people are inherently too stupid for democracy to flourish.

/sigh

Things Could Always Be Worse!

This ones for you Bryan!

Can you tell I'm getting a little fired up for the Reds in 2012? Two consecutive béisbol posts!!! This one was just too good to pass up.

I was a little miffed when the Bengals were recently ranked as the worst sports franchise in America. They have been to 2 Super Bowls since 1980, won their division multiple times and have been in the playoffs 3 times in the past 6 years. How does that compare to the poor Pittsburgh Pirates?

The poor Pirates have had 19 consecutive losing seasons!!! That is a record for all 4 major sports leagues in America. Normally, I wouldn't pile it on. I don't hate the Pirates. They even tend to have the Reds number from time to time. However, this is just too damn unlucky not to post. The video is awesomely gruesome too!

The Pirates started off hot last year. They were the darlings of MLB for a couple months before fading away. This year, they pulled a pretty big trade getting AJ Burnett from the Yankees. Granted, he has severely dropped off in recent seasons, but he is a pretty big star and a surefire innings eater, right?

WRONG! Burnett will be out 2 to 3 months after his batting practice mishap. Damn designated hitter rule! I really do feel your pain Bryan.