Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

My good old Gillette Mach3 was on it's last legs. One too many drops, and the blades just don't stay secure anymore. I find that I need to get a new razor about every year or so. So imagine my surprise when I went to the grocery today and saw the new Gillette Fusion Phenom. I didn't even know they had 5 blades in a razor. Immediately, I recalled one of my all-time favorite Onion articles. I have reproduced the article below, as The Onion has 10 different article tools, but none for Blogger. I defy you not to CRY LAUGHING OUT LOUD as you read this! Notice the date of the article. One word comes to mind: PROPHETIC!

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

Frakking awesome!

The last ship in the fleet is no more.

In its spectacular 2-hour finale, BSG (as it's known to us die-hard fans/nerds) delivered. Not only did it answer the above questions, but it had arguably the best battle sequence since the original mini-series that started it all back in 2003. The series finale answered all the questions that I had about the show - a solution to the Cylon question, an answer for where the colonies originated, is Baltar crazy for seeing Caprica Six, is Starbuck alive or dead, and the greated question of all: where are the human survivors going to settle?

Too many shows fall victim to having a great premise with excellent pilot episodes, only to fail miserably once they try to extend things. Look at the Fox show Prison Break for an example of this. BSG had a great premise and the original mini-series was simply fantastic. But it followed up the original premise with 4 seasons running over a period of 6 years. It managed this great run because the writing of the show was extremely good, the acting was as good as the best dramas on TV (much better than David Caruso!), and the storyline kept me engrossed long after the original premise had been dulled by several seasons. But the producers were true to their word and said that the show would last only 4 season.

There have been many shows that simply don't know how to conclude. The X-files jumps out at me, as does The Sopranos. But Battlestar Galactica completed its run, and in such a way that I don't even have to think about sequels or spin-offs. I'm fully satisfied in the conclusion of this great show, and I love that I can say that. For those of you who are interested in renting or buying the past episodes, I suggest doing so. You won't regret it.

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!

Just keep watching and you'll keep laughing harder and harder at the ridiculousness that is David Caruso acting...

No Wonder We Lost

In case you were unaware (like most of the civilized world) the World Baseball Classic* is currently underway. Baseball proponents like to fancy this the World Cup of baseball - minus the excitement and attention. Anyway, it hasn't really caught on and people can't really seem to figure out why. My guess is it's a combination of trying to compete with the NCAA basketball tournament and the fact that the managers and players are more concerned about using this as a tune-up for the season than actually winning. Considering the latter, it should come as no surprise that the USA - the country that invented baseball - once again bombed out of the tournament. But I think the real travesty here are the USA uniforms. Just look at these monstrosities!

I think you may have spilled some of your spaghetti

Seriously, the country that leads the world in contrived sports merchandise can't come up with a jersey that doesn't look like the players have pitted them out and spilled food down the front? This is an affront to the United States of America. It's like they took the awful jerseys the Men's National Soccer Team wore during the 1994 World Cup (those terrible denim-esque nightmares) and repurposed them 15 years later for a baseball uniform. Really, get a uniform that people are proud to wear and we turn this thing around. What a disgrace...


* - Apparently something needs to exist for 4 years, or two iterations, in order to earn the moniker of "classic"...

Well, When You Put It That Way...

...it almost doesn't seem so bad - except for the fact that million dollar bonuses were awarded to the same people that helped drive their company and the global economy to collapse. Aside from that though...

p.s. Just another reason to hate mainstream media.

Good Bye, Productivity

Ahhh... Can you smell it? NCAA tournament is in the air! What I say now, I say in all seriousness - the first two days of the NCAA tournament may be my favorite two days of the entire year, rivaling even Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's (for the football), and my birthday.

Three things have me even more excited about this year's version than those in the past...

1. No Notre Dame. I love it when they make it, but they always end up breaking my heart, skewing my picks, and ruining my bracket. Which brings us to...
2. No money involved. I've stayed away from any brackets involving money this year. I did one with work and one with the family, and I couldn't tell you my final four in either. Which is just the way I like it because I just want to savor the tournament without having a loss of money hanging over my head with every game. You know how it is - you love to see the upsets, but you also don't want to see your bracket get busted. This year, I don't care.
   
3. As you can see from the image above, CBSSports.com will be streaming every single game live over the internet! It only took 20 years, but the internet is finally starting to make some small contributions to society.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll read the articles about how $4b is lost over the next two days because of the loss of workplace productivity. I prefer to think of it as a prolonged weekend where no money is lost because, basically, everyone is watching the games. Viva March Madness!

Zoe Hearts Chocolate

After this she knocked over a bank in order to fund her crippling chocolate addiction...

Our New License Plates

The Coolest Thing You Will See Today

NIN: 1,000,000 Live from on stage, Sydney 2.22.09 [HD] from Nine Inch Nails on Vimeo.

As I mentioned in a post last week, NIN is going on a sort of farewell tour this year. They've just released tour dates for the first leg here (I'll be buying up mine for June 9 in DC).

Anyway, aside from the music, obviously, there are two things that have always put NIN a cut above everyone else in my books...

1. Their accessibility to fans. Reznor has revolutionized this. From releasing complete tracks for fans to remix, to blogging, to giving away free music and albums.
2. Their live shows. I've seen a lot of really good bands live, and NIN beats them all. And that's saying a lot considering I've seen U2 live on multiple occasions.

Anyway, the clip above combines both of these elements (plus the music) into one, big awesome. NIN has put a bunch of these up on Vimeo, but I chose this because it's the first song in their set and you can feel the anticipation. You see the roadie counting down then waving them on stage, the band members slowly emerging and getting into routine. You hear the roar of the crowd as Trent finally arrives on stage. You see the guys psyching themselves up for the show, and finally rocking the s#$t out of Sydney, Australia. The unique thing is that it's all filmed from on stage with the band. Awesome.

It's things like this that really make me wish that this planned hiatus is fleeting...

Trailer Renaissance?

From time to time, we've had a post about a cool new trailer. I have to admit a good trailer still gets me pretty pumped up, but those are few and far between. As it turns out, a couple of upcoming flicks have perhaps the best use of music in a trailer I have ever seen.

First up is Terminator Salvation.I'll admit, I had little hope for this being any good when it was announced. When Christian Bale was signed as John Conner, it immediately shot to the top of my anticipated films! This trailer is AWESOME, and pushes it even higher. How perfect is the NIN song "The Day the Whole World Went Away" for a Terminator movie?



The other trailer is for the big release this weekend. I have to admit, I am not even remotely a comic book guy. I knew next to nothing about Watchmen, and when I heard they were making a movie about the graphic novel/series, I could have cared less. Then I heard Zach Snyder (300) was attached, and I was interested. When I saw this trailer a few months ago, I officially became a fan. How they dug up this Smashing Pumpkins song, I have no idea. It's literally track #71 on their Rarities and B-Sides album. For those keeping track, it's titled "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning." Maybe the most perfect song ever used for a movie trailer, based upon what I know about the Watchmen universe. I don't know how the movie can live up to this trailer!