Monorail

In response to Ian's bleak outlook on the options available to all of us in light of increasing gas prices, I would like to present an option on behalf of our old friend Lyle Lanley...

Monorail
Monorail
Monorail
Monorail
MONORAIL!

Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?

MONORAIL!

I hear those things are awfully loud...
It glides as softly as a cloud.

Is there a chance the track could bend?
Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

What about us brain-dead slobs?
You'll be given cushy jobs.

Were you sent here by the devil?
No good sir, I'm on the level.

The ring came off my pudding can.
Take my pen knife, my good man.

I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

MONORAIL!

Petroleconomics

Gas prices have hit record highs as we approach the summer "driving season". Averages around the country hover around $3/gallon and, according to the media, if the prices continue to rise the Earth will suddenly, inexplicably explode.

I listened to a piece on NPR this morning about how some poor, small business owner was going to have to rethink having his 3/4-ton Silverado as his daily commuting vehicle. I'm supposed to feel sorry for this knucklehead? I've heard people say we must go hybrid or take public transportation. Here are some facts:

Hybrids:
Hybrids are the new rage. As such, customers usually pay a significant markup on the sticker price for these vehichles. Hybrids, on average, sell for a $5000-$6000 premium over their combustion engine counterparts. EPA mileage estimates for the Honda Civic Hybrid sedan are 49/51 compared to 30/38 for the standard Civic sedan. Even though EPA mileage estimates are wildly innaccurate for hybrids (EPA estimates are not based on actual miles driven, but instead on emissions! Given that hybrids naturally have fewer emissions due to the very nature of the vehicle it is only logical that their EPA estimates are erroneously high. Hybrid owners ofter complain of such after purchase and mileage estimates are more in the 33-35/37-39 range.), assuming a 13-gallon fuel tank and $3/gallon, a full hybrid tank would net you 637 city miles, or $0.06/mile, and the regular civic 390 city miles, or $0.10/mile. That's a net savings of $0.04/mile. Assuming you drive 400 miles/week (a high average), that works out to a savings of $832/year in gasoline costs. Given the premium you pay, you would need to own the vehicle for ~7 years to offset the price premium with your fuel savings. Futhermore, I would wager that about 40% of hybrid owners purchased their vehicles solely to use the HOV lanes for commuting with only 1 person in the car. I'm pretty sure I'd rather see 2 or 3 people in a regular Civic than 1 jackass is his hybrid, and I'm pretty sure it would be much more economical.

Public Transportation:
Homer Simpson once famously said, "Public transportation is for suckers." He may have been on to something there. When I took a job downtown 2 summers ago we crunched some numbers to determine whether we'd save money by taking the metro to work as opposed to driving. This assumed 1 fill-up per week and $200/month for parking when driving. Given that metro gouges you for an extra 30% to ride during rush hour (which, shockingly, is when we both leave for and from work), we determined that gasoline prices would have to reach ~$5.40/gallon before the metro became less costly. This doesn't even take into consideration the convenience factor, e.g. missed trains and/or buses, controlling your own schedule, etc... I figure these are worth at least another $1-$2/gallon. So maybe once gas hits $6/gallon, I'll rethink my current driving habits.

Here's the bottom line: America is spread out. Most cities don't have viable public transportation systems. People live in suburbs. Cars are a necessary tool in the American lifestyle. Yeah, gas prices are high, but hybrid alternatives are more expensive in the short- to mid-term and unproven in the long-term. Public transportation can be just as costly and is usually at a loss of convenience.

I think I'll just wait it out. Once all the damn hippies start buying hybrids, the demand on gas will lessen and I'll be a viking...

Television Characters I Would Like in Office Instead of Actual Politicians

If you've read this blog even sparingly since its inception, you are already well aware of my thorough disdain for politicians, the media, hobos, and rattlesnakes (in that order). As I attempt to escape from the reality that is my life through television, I've become increasingly aware that I would feel much more comfortable with some of these fictitious characters leading our country over their actual, office-holding dopplegangers. Here are those characters, with their appropriate office:

David Palmer (24), President of the United States of America: Was there any doubt? Unquestionably the best television president of all-time, with the potential to be the best real president of all-time. Intelligent (book), intelligent (sneaky), unemotional, able to make the tough decisions, over 6-ft tall.

Dr. Jack Shephard (Lost), Vice President (alternately, Surgeon General): Not quite president material (a bit too emotional), but smart, crafty, trustworthy, over 6-ft tall.

John Locke (Lost), Secretary of State: A bit too wacky and philosophical to hold any real office, but he's smart and saavy and can be engaging when necessary in a way that influences others in a positive manner. Plus, he has a lot of knives.

Jack Bauer (24), Secretary of Defense: Two Jacks are better than one, especially if both are over 6-ft tall.

Asst. D.A. Jack McCoy (Law & Order), Attorney General: If possible, I would have him amend the constitution such that only people named "Jack" were lawfully able to hold public office.

Joe Swanson (Family Guy), Director of FBI/CIA:Who says cripples, ahem, leg-challenged cannot lead meaningful, productive lives? Who? That guy over there? Consider him dead...

Gil Grissom (CSI), National Science Advisor: A fantastic logician and analytical mind. Bonus points for working with dead people which would put him at ease with the likes of Arlen Spector and Strom Thurmon.

Eric Cartman (South Park), Senator: There are way too many hippies and religious nutjobs holding political office. Eric Cartman would be a breath of fresh air.

Marge Simpson (The Simpsons), Congress: Just the right amount of humility and honest-to-goodness skepticism. Huge, blue, beehive haircut would give her clout as everyone knows Congressmen with larger hair are given more regard. Plus, it puts her over 6-ft tall.

Other options for Congress: Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Arthur Fonzarrelli (aka The Fonze or Fonzie), Michael Knight, Bo and/or Luke Duke, Matlock, Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith, Captain "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, Lieutenant Templeton "Face" Peck, Sergeant Bosco "B.A." Baracus, Gumby, Popeye, Morticia Addams

Young Reds win again!

So the Reds are hot right now - winners of their last 4. I watched the game on ESPN GameCast today during work, and watched both Tuesday night and Sunday's games on FSN and was pleased at the team's performance in their last games. Keeping in mind, the Nationals aren't the best team out there, but they aren't the worst either. The Reds have been beating up on the teams that they should beat - Marlins, Pirates, Nationals, Brewers, Cubs. They went 1-2 against the Cards, but then you can' expect them to sweep St. Louis.

The young talent on this team has really impressed me. Brandon Phillips (.360) was a HUGE pickup, Felipe Lopez (.294) has made most Reds fans say Barry who?, and the Ryan Freel (.274) is consistently on base and stealing a few (8 SB). Adam Dunn (.234) doesn't have the hottest bat, but his 22 walks gives him the highest on-base percentage (.419) on the team. And then there's Edwin Encarnivore (.279) , named for how he's eaten up the opposing pitching in April. 22 RBI's and 8 doubles has made him a force.

The Reds can always hit, that's never been in question. But with the addition of so-far stud Bronson Arroyo, even the loss of Eric Milton has gone mostly unnoticed. Arroyo and Harang are pitching deep into games, giving the bullpen lots of rest and making sure when they're needed there won't be any excuses of "overuse". Even a new guy from Triple-A, Ramirez, came up and pitch a 7-inning gem the other night. We've even converted 8-of-10 save opportunities.

Again, I say it's only April. There's a lot of time for the Reds to crash and burn. But there's a few differences this year. 1) The Reds pitching is getting them wins, not just the hitting. 2) Junior has taken his injury early this year, and the Reds continued to win even while he was gone. (Hopefully his injuries are done now) 3) The Reds are winning at home and away. 4) I want the Reds to do good.

I love the Reds and hope they contend this year and every year. But in staying with my realistic thinking, I believe the most I can hope for is a .500 finish and no firestorm sell-offs of talent. I see the core of a very good, very young team (Encarnacion, Lopez, Phillips, Dunn, Kearns, Junior, Arroyo, Harang) and I hope the new Reds owners see it too.

The Iceman Cometh

Sorry, I've been on vacation. So when I got home yesterday and heard high school junior Jimmy Clausen had verbally committed to Notre Dame I was ecstatic. But before I allowed myself to get too crazy and buy plane tickets for the next 5 years to the BCS title game locale, I remembered one haunting name...


Ron Powlus


Clausen is supposed to be the greatest thing since sliced bread and his brothers were all pretty decent college QBs. Over the past 2 years he's thrown 88 TDs to only 11 INTs while leading his team to a 27-0 record. But people forget Powlus's hype. He was supposedly the best high school quarterback ever! Some predicted he might win 3 Heisman's while at Notre Dame.

Weis is shaping up to be a pretty good college coach, is recruiting well, and has a strong history with QBs - Tom Brady, Brady Quinn (possibly premature). But Lou Holtz already had 1 national championship under his belt when Powlus arrived, perennial top-5 recruiting classes, and was no slouch with QBs himself - Tony Rice, Rick Mirer, Kevin McDougal.

All I'm saying is this - the kid's still in high school! It certainly bodes well, but let's not count our chickens before they've hatched. High school "prodigies" flame out more often than they live up to the hype. My guess: Clausen will be average, but his big name will allow Notre Dame to recruit the other stud athletes that will put them over the top.

World Cup Soup #3

The 2006 FIFA World Cup Final takes place this summer in Germany. Bridget and Bryan are going, and the rest of the Heffernan family is jealous. As this is the greatest spectacle in sports, there will be no shortage of unique tidbits surrounding the event. World Cup Soup will be there to document these items.

Romeo wore Adidas...
and Juliet wore Puma!

Today's entry concerns the age-long feud between Adi and Rudi Dassler. Both were brothers growing up in Herzogenaurach, Germany in the 1920s. They worked at the family shoe factory as expert cobblers before WWII tore their country apart. Somewhere along theat road, they became bitter enemies. After the war, Adi founded Adidas and Rudi founded Puma.

Thus began one of the most bitter rivalries in the business world. Two global shoe companies on opposite sides of the river in the same small German town. The feud spawns many hilarious tales. Adidas families will not marry Puma families. Puma bars refuse drinks to those wearing Adidas. Local gangs fight for turf in their gear. The stories are endless.

Perhaps the biggest battle will be fought this summer as each company fights to kit the World Cup champion in their home country of Germany. Adidas seems to have the advantage with Germany, Argentina, France, Spain, Japan and Trinidad & Tobago. But Puma has the numbers supplying 12 nations as opposed to Adidas' 6. Sponsering Italy and the Czech Republic, Puma may not have a winner, but they do have all of the African teams locked up - an eye to the future. Personally, my money is on Nike supplying the champ. Of course, my heart is still with Adidas.

Safe Happens

Have you had a chance to see these new Volkswagen Jetta commercials?



Let me just say wow, these bad-boys are intense. There was a movie a few years back called Adaptation that had a scene similar to these commercials; a grotesque car accident that occurred out of nowhere. I don't know whether I should go and buy a Jetta, or just never drive again. Also, I love how they cut everyone off right before they finish saying, "Holy ....".

Further Evidence

Still The One

I was recently forwarded a picture that shook me to the core. Apparently, through some freek of nature I was formerly a member of 70's soft rock supergroup Orleans. How could this happen? I'm not sure. Perhaps I was drugged, forced to grow a long beard and transported through time before being brought back to the present with retrograde amnesia. I think that's the only possible explanation for this album cover!


Who is Orleans? Orleans is a 1970s soft rock band, best known today for such hits as "Dance With Me" and "Still The One". The band was founded in January 1972 in Ulster County, New York by Wells Kelly, John Hall, and me Ted Heffernan (aka Larry Hoppen). The band took their name "Orleans" because they needed a name for the band at a show and didn't know what else to use. The name has nothing to do with New Orleans, so history tells us. But is it a coincidence that I now live in New Orleans? The way I see it, after recently emerging through the time portal, all I could coherently think of was my city of origin. Presto – a band is named!

So look closely at this photo and ask yourself, "Does that guy on the left really look like Ted with a full beard?" I think you'll come to the same conclusion that I have. You might also ask yourself, "Are these guys naked?" The answer is NO, we had pants on! By the way, this album was nominated as one of the 10 worst album covers of all time. What did this site have to say about my former bands' album cover? Here you go:

If I ever ‘wake up into a dream’ where I am surrounded by a bunch of naked male hippies, it had better be the result of a toxic snakebite and/or a fever-induced coma. Again, I have to ask the obvious question; who decided that an album cover featuring hairy naked dudes would sell music? Especially when some of the guys look way too happy, while a couple are noticeably uncomfortable. They snapped the picture when the guy in the middle was saying, “Hey, Julian, we aren’t all like you and Viceroy. Where is your other hand? I need to see them both. That was the deal.” I have no idea what this music is like, but at least we know where boy bands came from.

Big Weekend for ND Football

The rumor mills are churning regarding a "major recruit" having a press conference tomorrow at the college football hall of fame in glorious South Bend, IN. All signs point to Mr. Jimmy Clausen committing to ND. What does this mean for ND? Well, put it this way, after Jimmy commits he is going to bring some of his friends as well, ie the best high schoolers in the nation. If you aren't excited you should be. Oh yes, it is also the annual Blue-Gold spring game. And lastly, I present to you, The Shirt 2006: