So Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and that means enough food will be prepped and eaten in the Copperglow compound to feed a 3rd world nation. Mom's always asking us if we want to switch up the menu - to which I always reply, "No". Thanksgiving has worked pretty well for 200+ years, and although if anyone were to change this American tradition it would be the Heffernan's, I say don't mess with a good thing. That being said, below is a list of items I will gorge myself on during that festive holiday weekend:
1. Skyline Chili. A Cincinnati staple. This will probably be consumed on multiple occasions. The only question is 3-way with a chaser or 4 cheese coneys with? I hate making the tough decisions...
2. White Castle. I grew up in Cincinnati and every place I've lived otherwise has lacked this outstanding fast food restaurant. A couple years back Colin, my buddy Shane, and I thought it would be a good idea to each eat a Crave Case® after a night of drinking. We were wrong. Apparently White Castle, much like alcohol and the movie Die Hard, is best done in moderation. White Castle burgers only come in one size. Indeed they do Adrock, indeed they do.
3. Turkey. Lots of turkey. The Heffernan Clan is rather extensive. I think last year's Thanksgiving brought in upwards of 26 people - most of them being in their respective eating primes between the ages of 16 - 30. As you can guess, we put away some white meat. We usually have some sort of freakazoid turkey with 6 legs that weighs 37 pounds, and we usually finish it. A couple years back Mom, being the genius that she is, took to cooking a
second turkey for the immediate family. Did I mention that Mom is awesome?
4. Fixings. I don't mean to brag... but I make the best mashed potatos in the world. Period. I will pit my mashed potatos head to head against any other mashed potatos in the world. My mashed potatos are a gastronomical orgasm.
5. Apple pie. Mom will cook about a dozen pies for Thanksgiving. I spend all day drooling over them then completely forget about them as I'm shoving turkey in my food hole. One time I overate and was not able to have pie on Thanksgiving. I made that mistake once. Once...
6. Alcohol. A few years back Dad woke me up at 7:30am Thanksgiving morning, mimosas in hand. Did I mention that Dad is awesome? I didn't even brush my teeth that day.
God bless Thanksgiving. I pity the countries that aren't America because they miss out on this eating bonanza (and on eating in general for the majority of them). I'm counting the days...
However, I still feel homage must be paid to our namesake and his clan. For the non-fantasy sports initiated, The Royal Heffernans dates back to a fantasy baseball league 2 years ago which I formed along with Ian, Colin, Kevin and other friends. Of course the Heffernans dominated the standings before taking the title. The name has continued on in fantasy lore through one baseball and three football seasons. Needless to say, no league bearing the name has ever seen a non Heffernan win.
We would all follow him to the end of the earth. Just make sure when you leave the house to follow him you get to the top of the driveway before he grows impatient and drives away in the Maxima.
I think we can all agree on this one, the Heffernan Family is one too many, and the superfluous member in none other than our furry friend, Lucifer, commonly known as Lucie. In fact, to call Lucie a "friend" is probably taking it a little too far. What has Lucie brought to this family? At her worst, annoyance, pain, and noise. At her best, well one time she killed a rabbit, which was pretty cool, but I have this deep rooted suspicion that she probably didn't even kill it, she probably just found it wounded.
